pocket it,
lock it
up safe,
is the shape of a heart.
she has
chocolate eyes
and soft skin,
rosy cheeks.
and the way she looks at me
as she holds the bag
and i punch
makes me sometimes forget
my own name.
my partner,
rosie,
who calls goodbye
and walks away
with a spring in her stride.
i’m glad
we don’t get in the ring.
“not yet,”
jane says,
“you get out what you put in.”
she means work harder
don’t give up,
teaches me how to wrap my hands
watches as i lift the weights
and punch my arms out straight,
twist at the waist.
“you’re strong,” she says,
“but footwork –
watch the mirror.”
(i look everywhere but
at the girl who’s waiting for me
who looks like me
but who isn’t me.
and jane sighs
and i see
the questions in her eyes.)
weight on your back foot
baby steps,
be ready to push
to throw your weight
behind your punch
her voice follows me
around school,
as i walk home,
and i try.
BERNADETTE (12)
Clare says she’ll take me,
The baby bawling in the back.
“Come on!” she says
“Or you’ll be late!”
I get my bag and keys and stand
On the front step.
The path to the gate has never been longer –
How long has it been?
Years,
I think,
I’ve been standing here
Weighing up
My life.
It takes for ever
But then
I struggle into the seat, with the belt,
Leave it in the end,
And my sister pretends not to notice.
“I think you’re doing the right thing,” she says.
People look up as I walk in,
And I have to pretend to smile.
Easier to look as if you do not understand
Why their eyes
Come out on stalks,
To act as if
You are not a sideshow,
A circus act.
Try not to let them hear you breathe.
I think I might just go home.
Don’t think this can be done.
The doctor listens to my
Silence
Before she listens to my heart.
She is waiting for me to explain
What I want from her,
Why I’m taking up her time.
And I can’t find my
First line.
READY?
she knocks me down –
holds out her hand
and pulls me up.
we try again.
she knocks me down,
holds out her hand.
i hold on,
perhaps too long.
she pulls me up.
“not bad,”
she says,
and i see her smile
as she knocks me down
and pulls me up.
“you’ve got to try
at least,”
laughs rosie.
jane is watching.
“come on, girls, let’s move.”
and rosie grins again,
lifts her glove to her head
pushes sweat from her face.
“this time don’t let me win,”
she says.
and
so,
i
give
it
all
i’ve
got.
rosie ducks.
she knocks me down –
and pulls me up.
NORMAL
“pizza,” rosie says, drying her hair
staring in the mirror
and i wonder what she sees
when she looks there.
no one would dare
to mess with rosie.
“you wanna come?”
i turn my back,
struggle into clean clothes.
“a group of us are going,
it’ll be fun?”
when we get to the place
people
smile.
and it’s a shock,
because i’m waiting for them to do that thing –
sneers and sniggers, snide smirks that trigger
my desire to hide.
because i’m watching their reactions
as i lift the food into my mouth
the looks that say:
pig
(just leaves and greens, but still, i can smell
the pepperoni, and my mouth waters,
and i
would
kill
for a slice.)
“here,” rosie says,
“take some.”
as she helps herself to a mouthful from my plate.
no,
i shake my head,
and sip water instead.
because i’m waiting for the chair to break
for the girls to laugh and run away.
but
nothing happens.
no one even looks my way.
rosie shrugs,
“aren’t you starving?”
i’m on a diet,
i say out of the corner of my mouth, so the others
don’t hear –
like it’s a confession,
like i’m asking someone to forgive me –
her,
especially.
she rolls her eyes –
“eat the frigging pizza,”
she says
and puts it on my plate.
“it’s good! and you’re fine, lil,
i swear!”
BERNADETTE (13)
Blood pressure
BMI
Inches
Stones
Pounds
Kilos
Grams
Heart Rate
Pulse
Waist and Thighs.
Numbers which
Are all too high.
Highest marks I’ve ever had,
I joke,
But this isn’t funny,
The doctor frowns
Reminding me that
I am indeed a fool.
She takes my blood pressure.
The first time a stranger has touched me in years,
And I don’t look at my body
In her manicured hands,
But my blood races and pounds
I can hear it,
Rushing
Plummeting
Waterfalls of fear.
Scales next.
I shake my head.
All of me is trembling now.
She doesn’t need to read a number to know the
situation.
The walls I’ve built around my life
Are crashing to the ground
Bricks and stones and rocks are flying, glass is shattering
Everything is being stripped away
Leaving me exposed.
“There’s no judgement,” the doctor says,
But I don’t believe her.
And feel I should apologize.
Instead I tell her what I want.
Dr Grice tells me,
In a voice that’s stern,
That surgery’s no magic wand.
It’s a big decision.
&
nbsp; To put your heart under such pressure,
It’s no simple solution,
And there are risks involved.
There will have to be further
Consultations
And there are other ways,
You know.
Does she think I haven’t tried?
Help me, please, I say.
And she looks at me,
With eyes that show
She knows
I’m human after all
And nods,
Okay.
GO!
next session
rosie isn’t there,
and i train with kezia
who is new too.
except kezia
is one of those girls
who looks like she was born
wearing trainers,
and who can’t stand still.
whose body just knows
how to move
without
s
t
u
m
bl
ing.
“come on,”
she says,
“it’s not hard,”
and i throw my punch again.
she ducks
and dives
runs circles
around me
and
i realize
how patient rosie’s been.
how maybe she feels sorry
for the loser
and laughs about me later,
will soon move on
when she gets bored.
i don’t want her pity,
i don’t want my own.
too late.
kezia walks away,
doesn’t look back.
then, just as i’m about to slink off,
jane asks me to stay behind,
i wait for what it is that’s on her mind.
“look,” she starts, then sighs,
and i know she’s going to tell me
i’m wasting my time.
“do you really want to be here, lil?
i see potential,
you’re strong
you’re bright.
but –
it’s time to bring it,
if you want to fight.
i mean, it’s no fun
to get knocked down
over and over and over,
right?”
she puts her arm around my shoulder,
leads me to the mirror,
holds my chin
in her fingers,
i shut my eyes.
“you have the right,”
she says,
“to win.”
SO PROVE IT
jane’s pushing me,
but i don’t feel like
taking it today.
her face is set
like marble, carved
to show no sympathy.
it’s pouring outside
and i’m dripping,
hot and sour, drenched vinegar by the sky,
i’ve walked here –
miles –
so now i just can’t begin to try.
“don’t sulk, lil, get ready, let’s go,”
jane says, pulling on her own gloves,
so,slowlyistepup,
and duck into the ring
already heavy with defeat,
bricks in my boots.
i guess this is a test,
got to prove
that i mean it
that i’m for real
that i want this,
no matter how crappy i feel.
the others gather
again.
the trainers, the girls,
would-be boxers –
seems people like
to watch me fail.
and
something
lodges
in my throat,
a desperate
swell
of words
that want to
splurge, that make me choke –
can’t cough it up
can’t spit it out
can’t swear or shout.
we spar.
jane sets the pace,
too good,
she’s fast
and strong –
relentless.
ten,
fifteen,
twenty
minutes
pass.
time
is
a weight,
swinging
around my neck,
a heavy bell
that never rings.
IT HURTS
let me stop.
i’m crying
panting
doubled over
wheezing
on the floor
heaving
goingthrow
likei’mtoup.
please, i can’t.
i look at jane, asking for help,
but she shakes her head,
“you can,” jane says,
not one bit out of breath,
“get up,
come on,
let’s go.”
no.
my audience stirs,
and i will them gone,
almost lift my head to swear,
but then
something happens.
i hear it first
as if from miles away
a whisper, a murmur,
my name –
“Li ly,”
it begins,
and then,
“Li ly,”
again
and again
“Li ly,
Li ly,”
they roar.
and i peer up
through the mess of my tears,
but no one is laughing
or taking the piss,
urging
stirring
telling me that i’m better than this –
pushing me up
with the power of their words
so
i crawl to my knees,
and
jane holds out her hand.
i stand
all by myself,
and fill up my lungs,
take another step forward, back into the pain.
PAIN
wrists sore
knuckles bloody,
shaking hands.
only the moon can see
me work myself
into a sweat,
collapse
and
start again.
BERNADETTE (14)
If you don’t take care
Of things they spoil.
Milk left out in the warm
Will curdle.
Flies will colonize
Meat, bleeding on a plate in the sun.
Gardens left to grow wild
Will become nothing but weeds.
And bodies,
Unloved,
May, for all you know,
House hearts
That have dried
Like leaves on a plant
Unwatered.
COURAGE
white mornings,
the sky like broken glass
and i’m running in the dark
and wondering how long
my heart will last.
and then i remember
that i
will
not
give
up.
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
i stay late
homework holding me back –
i’ve let things slip,
so it’s dark
when i make my way out of school,
doors slamming behind me.
“stay safe,” miss calls,
“take care, lily, is someone coming
to pick you up?”
i pretend not to hear.
; the wind sneaks inside my clothes,
the cold weaves around my legs
mottling my thighs
pinching my toes.
my skirt is too short –
though mum’s let it out as far as it will go –
everything has its limits,
and there’s no money
to buy new things,
not right now
with Christmas round the corner.
i wander into town
to stare at the lights
and peer into the shops
full of stuff
that might make you happy.
even our town looks
better
at this time of year,
and i catch the sound
of Christmas songs
as doors open into other worlds.
heat
leaks out
and pulls me inside,
warm with thoughts of what i might find.
saved bus money buys
perfume for mum
that smells of roses
and the pink that she loves.
i get dad gloves
and remember
holding his hand
when i was small.
stuff to say thanks,
and sorry too,
for all
of this aggro,
this whole ugly mess
a daughter who couldn’t stand up for herself.
it’s late
when i take a shortcut
down the old railway track
towards home.
there’s no one else about
as street lights fade behind me,
pitching me into the dark,
and i hum a song
about last Christmas.
but the shove in my back
knocks the tune from my head,
batters the wind out of my lungs,
it sends me down flat
and i don’t even
have a second to scream
before
there’s a boot in my
belly
a foot in my face.
my arms over my head,
i try to curl
into a ball, like a snail in its shell,
but they’re fast
and i’m winded
and
b r e a k i n g u p a l l o v e r a g a i n
fucking fat lez bitch
someone says
and something,
piss,