i run,
for ever it seems.
i think i’m even running in my dreams.
(running from
exams and
school
and
grades
and the fear that i won’t get
even half of what i need
to build a future
that will see me
up and out of here.)
rosie doesn’t seem to need to try.
everything comes so easy,
and even though
i can’t hate her for that,
i don’t like it when she swings
and
shouts
chicken
when i don’t hit back.
“come on, lily,
chicken, licken,” she calls,
darting ahead of me
towards the main road
like a kid, playing tag,
fooling around as if it doesn’t matter.
hair still damp from the shower,
slicked back off my face,
clumsy in my joggers, backpack on my shoulders
i’m nobody’s dream.
enough, i decide.
if she wants to be caught,
i’ll catch.
we chase,
and then,
i stop her.
i hold on tight,
and we laugh,
her face is bright and smiling,
and her joy
is as delicious as anything,
so i catch it,
swallow it,
a spoonful of sweetness
that burns in my chest,
and right there
in the street
before i can wonder
what i’m doing,
i kiss her.
SHE LAUGHS
and i step away,
put my hand to my mouth
want to run.
“god, i wasn’t expecting that,”
rosie says,
reaching out an arm.
but,
i step back again,
and try to gather myself.
i hear a hurry of sorries
spilling into the street
but don’t hear
rosie speak,
although she keeps talking
her mouth moving, her words are far away.
i step back.
before she can tell me
that wasn’t okay.
OH
“you want to come home with me?”
she says,
and i think i must have misheard,
shake my head, try to dislodge the glue in my ears.
she takes my hand,
the air crackles, electric around us –
and this time
i’m
the
one
being
kissed.
I’M WAKING UP
everything that’s been asleep.
i don’t know where to put my eyes,
my hands,
my mouth.
but rosie is sure enough
for both of us.
ANOTHER NIGHT
she takes off her clothes
and mine
and we lie
beside one another.
she takes my hand
and holds it.
she is soft
and i let myself touch her,
so, we lie like that
until
everything
is dark
and clear.
and in the morning
she’s still there.
DON’T ANSWER
the world goes quiet.
if someone calls my name
i don’t hear it,
if someone gives me grief –
whatever.
miss keeps me back at break,
“what’s wrong, lily?”
i nearly laugh –
now, she notices.
i could make her a list,
but actually, all she’s bothered about
is the homework i haven’t done
(again).
“i’ll have to ring home if this carries on,”
she says.
i shrug and walk away.
none of it matters.
there’s just
rosie.
MESSAGE
I like to win you know
it says,
and then rosie sends
a smiley face,
blowing a kiss.
THIS IS ME, MAYBE
i’ve been thrown into space,
and i don’t care if there’s
no way back to earth.
i think
i’m finding my feet here
out in the atmosphere,
the pavements are clouds
and the sky burns,
ignited by the sun,
as hot blood licks
through my veins.
everything is
on fire,
and light
streams
into the far beyond.
i glow.
PUNCH DRUNK
what’s happened?
that’s mum.
lil, where’s your head?
that’s dad.
concentrate!
that’s jane.
WAKE UP!
miss says.
but it’s better here,
inside myself
working out
things
i never
thought i’d
need to understand.
MIRROR, MIRROR
i look at myself
and wonder what rosie sees.
i try to make my hair
sit flat
and straight.
i try to
like the shape of my face.
i try to
see myself
in a new light.
and maybe, in the corner of my eye
i catch a glimpse of
something special.
DON’T LET ME DOWN
but,
it’s my fight,
i tell mum.
had i really been expecting her to come?
“i’m sorry,
she says,
“i don’t think i can bear
to see you get hurt.
i can’t stand blood
you know that, lil.”
you’ve got to come,
why didn’t you tell me before?
“i did,”
she says.
mum is hiding in her sewing room,
dad’s waiting for me
downstairs.
if i’m late jane will go spare.
mum pins the material she’s working on
and holds it up to the light,
not looking at me,
pretending
it’s all right
for her to let me down.
i don’t say again.
i don’t say for the millionth time
i don’t say
For All My Life.
“you don’t really
want me
there,
and that’s fine.
aunty clare will come.
and your uncle ray.”
i pull a face.
great
“just you take care tonight,
that’s all,
and do yourself proud.”
(proud is what
i’d like
her to be.
of herself,
and me.)
BERNADETTE (19)
Here are the cupboards full of
Things you’ll never wear.
Dreams you’ve stitched for yourself,
A rag doll happiness
That sits and waits behind these wooden doors.
You could sew something better.
Bernadette –
I see you
Bright
And
Fine –
In
Gold.
THE BIG FIGHT
i can’t watch the others.
sit, head down, waiting,
nerves jangling,
legs shaking,
feel like something’s
trapped
inside,
that monstrous pain,
that tide of rage.
i can’t breathe.
i see rosie
inside my mind,
on the ropes, hurting.
i won’t do it.
“lil, are you all right?”
jane waits for an answer
and silence bounces between us.
how can i tell her that it feels
like something’s
already
over?
SOMEONE IS SCREAMING
my name.
it’s dad and
aunty clare.
even ray.
their mouths
open and shut
but I don’t hear the
cheers.
i’m wearing the shorts
mum sewed for me –
bright red.
like i’m a champ.
Lily Lionheart dad called me,
just joking around.
inside
i have my own roar
just
NO.
STRONG
where’s the girl
i’m supposed to smash?
she’s jumping,
nimble and fast,
feinting,
ready and
waiting.
we bump fists.
she’s the girl i kissed last night
and the night before.
she told me i was pretty,
that she likes the way i smell,
and she likes the dimples in my cheeks when
i smile.
she’s
smaller than me
but tough –
has muscles like rock,
and she likes to win.
i like that girl
more than i like myself.
but i could knock her down
with one hot blow.
because i’m stronger than her now.
IT’S TIME
to prove myself.
the gym flashes
and crashes with noise.
i taste sweat on my lip,
bitter and salty.
i’m standing in my corner
wanting to run.
rosie’s opposite.
on the tips of her toes
bobbing up and down
ready
and bold
in blue.
i’m already sinking,
already done.
dad’s waiting and watching,
the bell rings
he’s cheering me
loud
his voice breaks through
fists pumping
shoulders twitching
egging me on.
rosie’s approaching,
the look in her eye says
Come on, Lily
You’ve got to TRY,
Don’t make this too easy
Don’t just let me win.
Make me look good here.
she nods.
we begin.
OFF GUARD
i’m watching for her right hand,
she’s circling,
waiting,
but here come the jabs,
as she takes first swing
it’s a glancing blow,
i move away
want her to know
that i won’t fight back.
i don’t want to lose her,
not over this.
i move
we spar
the crowd is waiting
shouting,
i can’t not start.
’cos when you’re down
you’re a loser
you’re in the gutter
you’re done.
when you’re down
you’re nothing
you’re finished
they’ve won.
“LILY!”
dad’s voice
that yell.
i look at him
his eyes are full,
he’s waiting for me
to show them
what i can do.
he waves and points
and i see that
mum is here,
after all.
shouting for me.
and while i’m not looking,
rosie takes her chance.
oh.
i shake my head.
taste blood
pure and raw –
stagger
back
and
find
my
feet –
duck
another
and then
it’s time.
I
hold up my gloves
and
begin
to paint the ring with blood.
it’s easy.
mum’s wearing red
and orange
and pink
and the blur of her standing and cheering
for me
is all that i see.
it goes on.
like that.
a trumpet blast, a fanfare
lifts me –
i’m gonna fly now
simple –
as if i’ve always known
the steps of
this particular dance.
like i learned it
in years
of ducking
of waiting
of striking
out
at myself.
i know what i have to do.
to
batter
rosie
d
o
w
n
drop my hips.
breathe,
pivot,
force her back,
with a barrage of blows,
double-jab,
right cross,
roll under the left hook,
follow up
right cross
left uppercut,
right cross –
don’t feel it if she hits me back.
i smother and fall
into rosie –
so she has to hold me up,
and then
she’s on the ropes.
how many rounds?
it’s done.
the bell rings.
and jane holds up my arm.
winner
i take off my gloves,
spit out blood,
and my mouthguard,
pull off my headguard,
and shake the sweat from my hair
let the cheers chill me.
gloves off,
am i still good enough?
BITTERSWEET
“you bloody little belter, lil,”
dad says,
he grabs me, spins me round, lifts me and whirls me,
in front of all those people,
in that ring.
“i knew you could,
i knew you would,
i’m so proud, girl!”
it’s just one fight, dad, nothing much,
i say, and pull away and clamber down,
into the crowd.
my family are embarrassing.
ray’s filling the place up with his gob,
“she’s my niece, that’s our lil,
she’s a legend, did you see?”
i tell him to shut it,
but don’t pull out of his hug.
“oh, lil,” mum says,
waiting – right there.
�
�are you all right?”
she’s crying,
but grinning
and she holds me tight,
i think maybe
her smile is worth
that fight.
THANK YOU
for coming, mum,
i manage to croak.
she nods
and i wipe
the blood and sweat and tears away.
NO REPLY
rosie has her back to me.
when finally she turns
so i can see what i’ve done
i suck in my breath.
“congratulations, lil,
good fight,
i guess the best girl won.”
her swollen eye is already glowing
with bruises
that i recognize – i’ve worn them too
and feel the throb and stab as if it is my own;
smashed nose,
the blood still smeared around her face,
but it’s the look in her eyes that hurts the most.
i think i screwed up,
i think i really hurt her
in a way that wasn’t right.
i didn’t mean it,
is all i have the guts to say.
she shrugs, as if it’s nothing, forces a smile
and i don’t dare touch her,
as a million miles open up between us.
suddenly the world is very large
and i am very small.
it spins,
as rosie picks up her things,
this doesn’t change things, does it?
i call,
and listen to her answer me,
by saying nothing
at all.
LEAVING
“are you going to prom?”
mollie asks
finding herself beside me.
word got round –
someone saw me
in the ring
and all the blood that
i left there,
rosie’s blood,
which i never meant to spill,