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    Far From You

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      confused

      I’m not ready

      for Blaze to leave,

      but he says

      he needs to run an errand

      for his mom.

      I tell him

      to hurry back.

      He’s only gone

      for a minute.

      I laugh.

      “I knew you couldn’t stay away long.”

      He smiles.

      “Claire’s here.

      She brought you doughnuts.”

      I think of her

      standing there,

      doughnuts in hand.

      I want to be happy,

      but instead

      I feel my heart

      droop like a daisy

      at night.

      She didn’t

      want to make up

      before.

      She didn’t want

      to talk it out.

      She didn’t want

      to be my friend.

      I broke my phone

      because of her.

      A phone that could have

      saved us

      from all

      that we endured.

      I don’t get

      why she’s here.

      She thought I was dead,

      so now she loves me again?

      “I’m not ready to see her,” I tell him.

      Because it’s the truth.

      I’m not.

      time to start stitching

      A little while later,

      Dad walks in

      carrying Ivy.

      I squeal

      when I see her.

      He places her

      in my arms,

      and I can’t believe

      how good

      and strong

      and healthy

      she looks.

      “Ali,” he says, “I need to tell you how sorry I am.”

      My eyes move

      from the baby

      to him.

      I can tell

      it’s hard for him.

      “I pushed you away,” he continues.

      “You remind me so much of your mom.

      And it hurt, I guess.”

      “I didn’t exactly make it easy for you.”

      It’s not all your fault.”

      Ivy is kicking her legs,

      waving her arms,

      and looking at me with her

      big, beautiful eyes.

      Thankfulness

      oozes from my pores.

      She is here.

      She is strong.

      She is fine.

      “It’s so weird how much I love her now,” I say.

      “I guess something good did come out of being lost.

      I’m just sorry it took a stupid crisis.”

      “I don’t think it matters how hearts are mended, Al.

      Just that they are, you know?”

      I think of Claire,

      going home,

      an expert mender

      when it comes to clothes,

      but unable to mend

      her broken heart

      without my help.

      She has the needle,

      but I have the thread.

      “Can I borrow your phone, Dad?”

      the best medicine

      Blaze and Claire

      walk in

      at the same time.

      Claire is still holding

      the bag of doughnuts.

      And Blaze is holding

      a brand-new,

      supersweet

      guitar.

      “Blaze! Seriously?”

      He puts it in my lap

      and gives me a kiss.

      “Figured you’d want to start writing.

      And playing.

      I know that’s how you deal with stuff.”

      I look at Claire.

      “I’m sorry, Ali,” she says.

      “You can write whatever songs you want.”

      I smile at her.

      “No.

      You were right.

      People don’t want to feel sad all the time.

      I’ve learned I sure as hell don’t.”

      She comes over,

      gives me a hug,

      kisses my cheek,

      and hands me my

      doughnuts.

      “I’ve missed you so much,” she says

      with tears in her eyes.

      “Me too,” I tell her.

      “And I’m sorry too.

      For everything.”

      She hugs me again,

      and when she stands up,

      she says, “So come on.

      Pass out the doughnuts!

      I’m starving.”

      I strum on my guitar,

      then hand it to Blaze

      so I can eat.

      Doughnuts

      Music.

      Love.

      It doesn’t get

      any better

      than this.

      clear skies

      Ivy and I

      are both released.

      Vic has to stay

      a little longer

      because she lost some toes

      and needs to start

      rehabilitation.

      When I visit her

      before we go,

      she’s holding

      her sleeping baby,

      and the picture

      of the two of them

      is just how it should be.

      She pats the edge

      of her bed

      and asks me

      to sit with her.

      “I don’t know how you did it,” I tell her.

      “Me neither,” she says.

      “I just walked and walked,

      even when I didn’t think I could go any further.

      It’s a miracle the search team found me.

      I think an angel was looking out for me.”

      When she says that,

      I can only nod

      because I know

      it’s true for all of us.

      Outside the window

      there is blue sky,

      sunshine,

      and fluffy white clouds.

      In a few minutes

      I’ll be out there

      again.

      Will I ever

      think of the world

      the same

      again?

      Will I ever

      squeal in delight

      at the sight of snow

      again?

      Her voice jars me

      from my thoughts.

      “Thank you, Ali.

      For taking care of her.”

      I reach over

      and grab Ivy’s

      little hand.

      I don’t want to worry.

      I don’t want to be sad.

      I have so much to be happy about.

      So I smile and say,

      “Next time I baby-sit,

      can we have a pizza delivered?”

      helicopter dog

      Cobain

      is there

      as I open the door,

      and I think

      he might lift himself

      off the ground,

      his tail

      is wagging

      so hard.

      discoveries

      It’s dinnertime,

      and Dad asks me

      if I want to

      help him make enchiladas.

      I see the can of sauce

      on the kitchen counter,

      and I remember the jingle

      we made up

      together.

      As soon as I

      start singing,

      he joins in.

      “Sweet Fiesta Verde Sauce,

      Verde Sauce,

      Verde Sauce.

      Sweet Fiesta Verde Sauce,

      Frankenstein’s lip gloss!”

      We laugh when we get

      to the final line,

      and I tell him

      enchiladas sound great.

      But then Ivy cries

      and I instinctively

      reach down


      and pick her up

      to comfort her.

      After a few seconds,

      her mouth curves into

      a big grin.

      “Dad, she smiled!

      She smiled at me!”

      I talk

      baby talk to her

      and she keeps smiling.

      “That grin’s bigger than the Cheshire-Cat’s,” Dad says.

      And then I remember.

      “Did the car make it back here?

      Or the stuff in the car?”

      He shakes his head.

      “Not yet.

      Why?”

      My brain is thinking,

      trying to remember

      if I have another copy.

      “Can you make dinner by yourself?

      Ivy and I want to look for something.”

      “Of course,” he says.

      When I find the book

      on my bookcase,

      I flip through the pages,

      wondering how

      I will ever know

      which part is

      Mom’s favorite.

      Something about

      yesterday.

      Flipping

      skimming

      flipping

      skimming.

      And then

      a mark in the book

      catches my eye.

      It’s underlined.

      Did she do that?

      Has it been there this whole time,

      and I never noticed?

      I read the line out loud.

      “‘…it’s no use going back to yesterday,

      because I was a different person then.’”

      “I guess it means

      everything’s always changing,” I tell Ivy.

      “Nothing’s ever the same.”

      I stop and grab

      a piece of paper,

      lyrics coming at me

      faster than my hand

      can write them down.

      Inspired.

      As I write,

      it’s as if Mom is there

      next to me.

      She understands.

      She always did.

      And suddenly

      I feel the need

      to go to my closet,

      get the painting she gave me,

      and place it on my desk.

      “You know what?” I say to Ivy

      as I think about our time in the snow.

      “The more you can share,

      the less lost you feel.”

      flying through the rabbit hole

      a song

      by Alice Andreeson

      Everything’s always changing.

      Nothing stays the same.

      Yesterday’s gone forever,

      I’ve got memories and my name.

      But like Alice I grow bigger,

      and I shrink back, yes, it’s true.

      It’s the ebbs and flows of life,

      it’s the rabbit hole we go through.

      But with angels we will make it.

      And with angels we will fly.

      We will keep on going forward.

      We will fly, yes, we will fly.

      We will fly, yes, we will fly.

      Friends will keep us happy.

      Our family keeps us warm.

      We’ll party through the good times

      and hold tight through the storms.

      Because with angels we will make it.

      And with angels we will fly.

      We will keep on going forward.

      We will fly, yes, we will fly.

      We will fly, yes, we will fly.

      Wonderland is here now.

      Don’t know what we might see.

      Yesterday’s gone forever.

      But my future’s up to me.

      What a future it will be….

     

     

     



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