“Is that a show?”
“On Broadway, at the Helen Hayes. Very hot ticket. I got a pair from a scalper and it cost me perilously close to two hundred bucks.”
“All in the interests of getting him out of the house,” she guessed. “But who the hell is he, and what house do you want to get him out of? Oh, wait a minute. The people downstairs from Candlemas, but I forget their names.”
“The Lehrmans.”
“And he’s in their place on an exchange program. Right?”
I nodded. “And they’ll be gone for another month, and their place is absolutely overflowing with good stuff, and you couldn’t ask for a better setup. The security is nothing, the locks are child’s play, and the guy who’s living there won’t have a clue that anything’s missing, because it’s not his stuff. He’ll go on being careful not to look in their closets or poke around in their drawers, and everything I take will be converted into cash long before they’re even back in the country.”
I went on, telling her about some of the items I’d noticed on my brief passage through the Lehrman apartment. When I stopped she said, “I’ll tell you something, Bern. I’m relieved.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re your old self again. Bogart’s great on the screen, but all that Noble Loser stuff is no way to go through life. I’m glad you’re getting ready to steal something. It’s tough on the Lehrmans—”
“Oh, I’m sure they’re insured.”
“Even if they’re not, I’m happy for you.” She frowned. “That’s tomorrow, right? Not tonight?”
“No, why? Oh.” I brandished my glass. “No, it’s tomorrow. You know I don’t drink when I’m working.”
“That’s what I was wondering.”
“Anyway,” I said, “I’ve got something else planned for tonight. In fact, you might want to come along, but we’ll have to go straight from here.”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I’m about halfway into the new Sue Grafton and I’m kind of anxious to get back to it. It’s really something.”
“Well, you always like her work.”
“One of the things I like is she never repeats herself, and this one’s kind of shocking.”
“Really?”
She nodded. “Sadism and perversion,” she said. “Roman orgies, incest. Toga parties. I’ve got to tell you, it’s a whole lot kinkier than what Kinsey usually gets herself mixed up in.”
“Gee, maybe you were right about Kinsey.”
“I know I’m right, but she doesn’t do anything wild herself. Everybody else does, though.”
“What’s it called, anyway?”
“‘I’ Is for Claudius.”
“Catchy,” I said. “But you can stay home and read anytime. Come on and keep me company.”
“Where, Bern?”
“A movie.”
“The Bogart festival’s over, Bernie. Isn’t it?”
“Over and done with. But down at the Sardonique in Tribeca they’re starting an Ida Lupino film festival.”
“Bern, I got a question. Who cares?”
“What have you got against Ida Lupino?”
“Nothing, but I never knew you were such a big fan. What’s the big deal about Ida Lupino?”
“I always liked her,” I said. “But tonight’s movies are kind of special. They Drive by Night and High Sierra.”
“I’m sure they’re both terrific, but…wait a minute, Bern. I know High Sierra. It’s not an Ida Lupino movie.”
“It most certainly is.”
“She may be in it, but that doesn’t make it her movie. It’s a Humphrey Bogart movie. He’s trapped on a mountain peak with a rifle, and they kill him.”
“Why’d you have to ruin the ending for me?”
“Come on, Bern, you know the ending. You’ve seen the movie.”
“Not recently.”
“What’s the other one? They Drive by Night? Who’s in that, if you don’t mind my asking? Besides Ida Lupino.”
“George Raft,” I said. “And I think Ann Sheridan.”
“And?”
“And Bogart. He plays a one-armed truck driver. They showed High Sierra at the Musette, but on a night I couldn’t go. I was stuck at that auction. And They Drive by Night never played the Musette.”
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “I’m sure it’s great. What do you say? Do you want to go? I’ll buy the popcorn.”
“Oh, what the hell,” she said. “But one thing, Bern. Can we get one thing straight?”
“What’s that?”
“This is entertainment,” she said. “These are not training films. Is that understood?”
“Of course.”
“Good,” she said. “Don’t forget, sweetheart.”
Acknowledgments
The author is pleased to acknowledge the contributions of the Ragdale Foundation, in Lake Forest, Illinois, where some of the preliminary work on this book was done, and of the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, in Sweet Briar, Virginia, where it was written.
About the Author
A Mystery Writers of America Grand Master, LAWRENCE BLOCK is a four-time winner of the Edgar® and Shamus awards, as well as a recipient of prizes in France, Germany, and Japan. He also received the British Crime Writers’ Association’s prestigious Cartier Diamond Dagger for lifetime achievement in crime writing. The author of more than fifty books and numerous short stories, he is a devout New Yorker and enthusiastic world traveler. Readers can visit his website at www.lawrenceblock.com.
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Praise for New York Times bestselling
Grand Master
LAWRENCE BLOCK’s
BERNIE RHODENBARR
and
The Burglar who thought
he was Bogart
“Notre Dame at dusk. Pepy’s account of the great fire of London. A really good cashmere coat. SOME TREASURES ARE TIMELESS…I feel like putting Bernie Rhodenbarr on that list.”
New York Times Book Review
“Lawrence Block has been at the top of his game for quite a while now. In his delicious whodunit The Burglar Who Thought He Was Bogart, he brings back master burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr and places him directly in the path of history…BLOCK HAS GREAT FUN WEAVING THE BOGART-ISMS INTO HIS STORYLINE, which is full of the usual Rhodenbarr touches and settings.”
Chicago Tribune
“THE WIT RUNS FAST AND PLOT TWISTS ARE QUICK AS A CAT BURGLAR.”
USA Today
“BERNIE RHODENBARR IS ONE OF THE MOST CHARMING AND WITTIEST CHARACTERS IN THE BURGLAR BUSINESS… The Burglar Who Thought He Was Bogart [is] a scream.”
Denver Rocky Mountain News
“ANOTHER COMPLEX, FASCINATING MISADVENTURE OF BOOKSELLER AND SECOND-STORY MAN BERNIE RHODENBARR… Here’s a chance to test your sense of humor, recall old Bogart films and try to figure out how Block will conceal the malefactor’s identity until the last possible moment.”
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
“A MYSTERY THAT’LL HAVE YOU DYING FOR MORE. Lawrence Block is keeping his hot streak alive with a classic whodunit in the comic mode…. Block sustains the vitality of this series by keeping his plots puzzling and his literary playfulness in top form. In Bogart, he plays comic variations on the characters, dialogues and situations of Bogart movies, while Rhodenbarr lives out the romantic fantasy of Casablanca…. Block’s touch is light, his creations literary soufflés that both please and leave you hungry for more.”
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“It’s the mark of an innovative storyteller to turn a normally reprehensible character into a hero—of sorts. Author Lawrence Block’s Bernie the burglar series aren’t just good mysteries, they are supreme escapism…. Block manages to weave a send-up of the old gathering-all-the-suspects-into-one-room ploy with plot twists that are reminiscent of Bogart’s detective movies…. BERNIE IS SHEER AMUSE
MENT.”
Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
“ALL OF BLOCK’S BERNIE BOOKS ARE OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY. This one is, if possible, even more so.”
Associated Press
“Murder, treasures and international intrigue mix easily in the funny and sharp The Burglar Who Thought He Was Bogart, ANOTHER WINNER IN THE LAWRENCE BLOCK SERIES.”
New York Daily News
“Block…has come up aces again…Like its predecessors, The Burglar Who Thought He Was Bogart is both a good mystery and a good comedy, mined from the same vein Dashiell Hammett tapped for his Thin Man novels. BLOCK’S ‘BURGLAR WHO’ SERIES IS ONE OF CRIME FICTION’S BEST, and this entry more than holds its own.”
South Bend Tribune
“HILARIOUS…ZANY…MADCAP STUFF. Block peoples his tomfoolery with bits of movie scenarios, dialogue and characters from Bogie’s filmography. Good-natured, sly fun for all, even if readers’ memories are hazy about such epics as The Maltese Falconand Casablanca.”
Buffalo News
“Hysterical, [The Burglar Who Thought He Was Bogart] made me laugh out loud on the bus…. THE JOY…IS BERNIE’S SHARP TONGUE AND WIT.”
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
“Block has great fun with this Rhodenbarr mystery—BREEZY STYLE, ENTERTAINING DIALOGUE AND SHARP ONE-LINERS…. Block sprinkles Bogart-isms throughout. It makes you want to go back and read earlier Rhodenbarr adventures.”
Charlotte Observer
Books by Lawrence Block
The Bernie Rhodenbarr Mysteries
BURGLARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS • THE BURGLAR IN THE CLOSET • THE BURGLAR WHO LIKED TO QUOTE KIPLING • THE BURGLAR WHO STUDIED SPINOZA • THE BURGLAR WHO PAINTED LIKE MONDRIAN • THE BURGLAR WHO TRADED TED WILLIAMS • THE BURGLAR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BOGART • THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY • THE BURGLAR IN THE RYE • THE BURGLAR ON THE PROWL
The Matthew Scudder Novels
THE SINS OF THE FATHERS • TIME TO MURDER AND CREATE • IN THE MIDST OF DEATH • A STAB IN THE DARK • EIGHT MILLION WAYS TO DIE • WHEN THE SACRED GINMILL CLOSES • OUT ON THE CUTTING EDGE • A TICKET TO THE BONEYARD • A DANCE AT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE • A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES • THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD • A LONG LINE OF DEAD MEN • EVEN THE WICKED • EVERYBODY DIES • HOPE TO DIE • ALL THE FLOWERS ARE DYING
Keller’s Greatest Hits
HIT MAN • HIT LIST
SMALL TOWN
Collected Short Stories
ENOUGH ROPE
Copyright
THE BURGLAR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BOGART. Copyright © 1995 by Lawrence Block. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub Edition © OCTOBER 2006 ISBN: 9780061839993
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Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-two
Chapter Twenty-three
Chapter Twenty-four
Chapter Twenty-five
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Praise
Other Books by Elmore Leonard
Copyright
About the Publisher