“Can you tell me at least a few of them? Even if you don’t think they’ll make any sense to me … Don’t stop to explain or self-edit. Just say whatever questions come to the forefront of your mind.”
“Who was that guy? Why did he choose me? Did he first see me that day at the beach? Or was it before that?” Is there something else I’m not remembering?
“Very good,” she says. “What else do you want to know?”
“How I could possibly have been so blind—unable to see what had clearly been all around me.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes.” I nod. “I want to know what happened while I was unconscious.” Was it holding and cuddling, or something more? Does the distinction even matter? “Would the violation be any less?”
“Violation?”
“Sorry.” I pluck another tissue. “I’m making no sense.”
“Don’t apologize. Your thoughts are coming out, probably quicker than you’re able to process them. This is a safe space for that to happen.”
A safe space? I peer around the room, making sure the windows are still there: one, two, three. Why didn’t I think to check the door lock? Would it be weird to get up and check it now—to make sure the knob turns?
“Jane?”
I scratch my palm—raw, cracked skin—weighing the effects of my unspoken words.
“Jane.”
“I have half memories.”
“Half, not whole?”
“Snippets,” I explain. “And I guess I’m scared I may never have enough of them to piece the truth together.”
“You may never have all the snippets. Or you may. There are no certainties. Sometimes we simply don’t get the answers we want. Other times, we get them, but not until we’re ready.”
“So maybe I’m just not ready?”
“Maybe not.”
“Because of how broken I feel?”
“You won’t always feel this way.”
“But what if I do?”
“We’re all broken in some way; it’s part of that being-human thing I was talking about before. The key is to learn how to carry your broken pieces as you move forward day by day.”
“And when the pieces get too heavy?”
“I hope to make them lighter, but try not to think of them as solely negative. Our broken pieces are what make us whole.”
I take a deep breath, suddenly realizing I’m sitting on the floor. Dr. Molly is squatted in front of me holding the box of tissues. I’ve plucked most of them out. The floor is littered with cotton-candy pink.
“So what do you say?” she asks. “Shall we get started?”
I nod. “I’m ready.”
NOW
EPILOGUE
Dear Reader(s),
Last night I dreamed Tiger crawled inside my ear and weaved a web of shimmering pink. And as he worked, he told me things, like that Mason had loved me for years.
“And all he wanted was for you to love him back,” Tiger said. “He just didn’t know how to make that happen. But that’s no surprise, right? I mean, you pretty much had that part figured out already, hadn’t you? And as for that other question—the one that’s been gnawing away inside your mind … The answer is yes.”
Yes?
“He intentionally made you sick. Another dumb idea. But he wanted to be the one to nurse you back to health. So you’d feel reliant on him. But you suspected that too, didn’t you?”
I suppose I did.
“I knew it.” Tiger laughed; it sounded like wind chimes—the copper kind like my neighbors have.
“Lastly,” Tiger continued, “the haziest part—the question about what happened after you passed out … Rest assured, I was there and saw the whole thing.”
And?
“And he came into your room to put you to bed, but he couldn’t resist the chance to hold you, and smell you, and lie with you in his arms. He cleaned you up too. Don’t you remember? When you woke up? You were wearing fresh clothes. Your face was washed. The room no longer smelled like puke … I don’t really recall anything else—and neither do you, right? At least, I don’t see any other memories inside your brain. I’ve got a nice view from your ear canal, and I’ve lit things up pretty well with my glowing spinnerets. I can see all the way to your … Oh, wait. There is one more thing. Are you aware that you talk in your sleep?”
Agent Thomas had said the same.
“Okay, well, it’s true. You talked in your sleep after you went unconscious.”
What did I say?
“Just that you love-love-love me … unless you were talking to Mason, in which case I don’t want to know. I’d prefer that it’s me you love-love-love.”
In my dream, Tiger continued to weave a web that stretched across my brain and lit it up like stars. When I finally awoke, I checked inside my ear, not fully conscious, half expecting to find a shimmering web.
Before I went missing, I wouldn’t have given the dream a second thought, but it’s all I can think about now. The mind, like the heart, is an amazingly powerful thing. One day, I hope that both can be open again. Until then …
Thanks for “listening,”
Jane
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Many thanks to the talented team at Wednesday Books who embraced Jane Anonymous from the very beginning and whose critical questions challenged me to dig deeper and search harder in my quest to find Jane’s truth. A special thanks to my acquiring editor, Tiffany Shelton. It’s been such a pleasure working with you.
Thanks, as always, to my amazing agent, Kathy Green, for believing in my work, cheering me on when I need it, and offering much-needed literary guidance. I am forever grateful for all you do.
Thanks to friends and family members who’ve read pieces and/or drafts of Jane along the way: Ed, Ryan, Shawn, Kathy, Susan, Julianna, Kate, Deb, and Emily. Your time, questions, suggestions, and offers to get me coffee (black, no sugar) are truly invaluable to me.
A very special thanks goes to my friend Susan O., who sat with me for hours on end discussing such topics as trauma, brokenness, and loss. Our conversations helped me get to the core of Jane’s story and enabled me to tell it in the most honest way I could.
Thanks to my amazing copy editor, Sara Ensey, for her careful eye, and to Kerri Resnick for creating the most beautiful cover for my work.
And last, huge thanks go to my readers, who’ve been asking when my next book is coming out. At last, it’s here. Thank you so much for reading it!
ALSO BY LAURIE FARIA STOLARZ
Blue is for Nightmares
White is for Magic
Silver is for Secrets
Red is for Remembrance
Black is for Beginnings
Bleed
Project 17
Deadly Little Secret
Deadly Little Lies
Deadly Little Games
Deadly Little Voices
Deadly Little Lessons
Welcome to the Dark House
Return to the Dark House
Shutter
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
LAURIE FARIA STOLARZ is the author of several popular young adult novels including the Dark House series, the Touch series, Project 17, Shutter, and Bleed, as well as the bestselling Blue is for Nightmares series. With over a million books sold worldwide, Stolarz’s titles have been translated into thirty languages and have been named on numerous award lists, including the Quick Pick for Reluctant Readers list and the Top Ten Teen Pick list, both through the American Library Association. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Prologue: Now
Chapter 1: Then
Chapter 2: Now
Chapter 3: Then
Chapter 4: Now
Chapter 5: Then
Chapter 6: Then
Chapter 7: Then
Chapter 8: Then
Chapter 9: Then
Chapter 10: Now
Chapter 11: Then
Chapter 12: Then
Chapter 13: Then
Chapter 14: Then
Chapter 15: Now
Chapter 16: Now
Chapter 17: Now
Chapter 18: Now
Chapter 19: Then
Chapter 20: Then
Chapter 21: Then
Chapter 22: Then
Chapter 23: Then
Chapter 24: Now
Chapter 25: Now
Chapter 26: Now
Chapter 27: Then
Chapter 28: Then
Chapter 29: Then
Chapter 30: Then
Chapter 31: Then
Chapter 32: Then
Chapter 33: Now
Chapter 34: Now
Chapter 35: Then
Chapter 36: Then
Chapter 37: Then
Chapter 38: Then
Chapter 39: Then
Chapter 40: Then
Chapter 41: Now
Chapter 42: Now
Chapter 43: Then
Chapter 44: Now
Chapter 45: Now
Chapter 46: Then
Chapter 47: Then
Chapter 49: Now
Chapter 50: Now
Chapter 51: Then
Chapter 52: Then
Chapter 53: Then
Chapter 54: Now
Chapter 55: Then
Chapter 56: Then
Chapter 57: Then
Chapter 58: Then
Chapter 59: Now
Chapter 60: Now
Chapter 61: Then
Chapter 62: Now
Chapter 63: Now
Chapter 64: Now
Chapter 65: Now
Chapter 66: Now
Chapter 67: Now
Chapter 68: Now
Chapter 69: Now
Epilogue: Now
Acknowledgments
Also by Laurie Faria Stolarz
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
First published in the United States by Wednesday Books, an imprint of St. Martin’s Publishing Group
JANE ANONYMOUS. Copyright © 2019 by Laurie Faria Stolarz. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Publishing Group, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
www.wednesdaybooks.com
Cover design by Kerri Resnick
Cover Photograph © Lyuba Burakova / Stocksy
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-30370-7 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-250-30372-1 (ebook)
eISBN 9781250303721
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: January 2020