Muted screaming and burning – shut off.
SARAH
No.
ROB
Want to see a streaming file of your boss’s wife in the Electric Blue video she made before getting that comedy show?
Muted porn-funk music and sexy giggles – shut off.
SARAH
No. Good God, no.
ROB
Want a list of the countries in which the Ursin Organisation is under investigation for unethical, illegal and antisocial activities?
SARAH
Give it a rest.
ROB
Just trying to help.
SARAH
Well, don’t. This job is really good for me. Have I told you about the compensation package? And, hey, I’m living in a mansion… and you’re in your mum’s shed.
ROB
I call it a power bunker.
SARAH
Shed. Just help me out here, and I’ll get you on salary. You can come over to the Dark Side and google stuff for Ursin. Unless you’ve left digital tracks finding out about him and are on his enemies list.
ROB
He has an enemies list?
SARAH
You tell me. I don’t think people stay on it very long. Keep refreshing it, and the names disappear.
ROB
Ha ha. I have an inside woman.
SARAH
Don’t count on it, Rob. Old ties only go so far in this cutthroat business. And throats actually do get cut, according to you, at least…
ROB (weakly)
Pony club forever?
SARAH
Don’t go white. I’ve been telling you, Mr Ursin isn’t like that at all. He hasn’t killed anyone in my presence… just a little light mutilation, and all’s forgiven, hugs and kisses…
A phone reminder signal beeps.
SARAH
Uh-oh, walkies! I’m off now, love… got to walk the Dynamo…
ROB
Illegal in Poland!
SARAH
Shush…
Computer noise to signify ROB being shut off. SARAH goes downstairs. Kitchen – footsteps on linoleum, not carpet. Very weak slobbery, leaking sounds – a ghost being given up.
SARAH
Dynamo, walkies! Let’s get those legs working… let’s… [concerned] Dynamo! You do not look well…
Faint growl of death rattle.
SARAH
Dynamo… Good gravy, don’t make that sound… No, do make that sound, any sound… because if you’re making a sound you’re not… dead. Dynamo, do not be dead. Get up, boy! Have a bone! Chase a cat! Lassie’s on television – you must fancy her! You can tell she’s panting for it! Come on, Dynamo… you don’t want to die!
Noise of heavy sacklike dog being turned over as SARAH puts her hands on him.
SARAH
Where’s your heartbeat? Here? Up and at ’em, Dynamo! How does CPR work? Apply pressure over the ribs in even, regular pulses… unh unh unh unh…
Sound of CPR on dog…
SARAH
Be alive! Come on… for Auntie Sarah, live… breathe… beat…
SARAH gives up CPR and tries thumping, fists on ribs…
SARAH
Now, punch to the heart… clear… one, two, THREE… one, two, THREE…
DYNAMO splutters and whines, briefly to life…
SARAH
Thank God, it’s alive! You’re alive! Don’t give up. One, two, THREE… one, two, THREE…
Solid punches… dog noises… then ribs breaking, a final gurgle, and quiet.
SARAH
No, Dynamo… you were alive… you were… God, no, Dynamo… all you had to do was stay alive for three bloody weeks! Why did you do this to me, you wretched hound? Take that…
SARAH kicks the dog – which is just a dead lump. More bones break.
SARAH
Sorry, I didn’t mean it. Come on, chum, don’t be like that. It was for your own good. The kick. It was a kick of life. A kick of love. A… what’s the use, you’re dead… and so am I.
Dead air – background fridge noise, slight dripping, gases escaping from dead dog. Fade down. Fade up…
SARAH (in mid-flow)
…you don’t get it, Rob. I tried CPR. I hammered away at his chest. I heard bones breaking. It looks like I killed the bloody dog!
ROB
Come on, at least you didn’t kick him…
SARAH
…well, not while he was alive!
ROB
You kicked the dog!
SARAH
Don’t say it like that.
ROB
How is Ursin going to say it?
SARAH
Not like that… He’ll understand, I’m sure… Dynamo was ancient, in dog years… this can’t be unexpected…
Sarah, here’s a clip I found…
Slight distortion…
URSIN
Most precious to me in world is… Dynamo. From when I was nothing, dog was by me. Dog save life. Dog mean more than business… than family… than anything…
ROB (doing accent)
…if English bitch kill dog, I sell her to sex traffickers. I find all her friends and cut them up for spare parts.
SARAH
He’s not like that… oh, what’s the use, he is like that.
ROB
I’m glad you’re finally listening. Look, get out of there now… I’ll start work on changing your identity online. You’ll need to dye your hair. Change your shape. Get on a pork pie and doughnut diet – put some pounds on. Lose the contacts and get granny glasses.
SARAH (shocked)
That’s not going to happen, Rob.
ROB
Then I’ll just google ‘please don’t rape me violently’ in fifteen Central and Eastern European languages… and Japanese. It’ll come in handy.
SARAH
You’re panicking worse than I am.
ROB
Am not.
SARAH
Are too.
Pause.
ROB
Look, you know what you always say about London… that you can get anything in three hours.
SARAH
Yes. So?
ROB
Get a new dog.
SARAH
What?
ROB
A ringer… a lookalike… a doppeldog. Dynamo II. You’ve got three weeks, right? You can train the thing, get it used to Dynamo’s routine. When Mr and Mrs Ursin get back, it’ll be perfect…
SARAH
There’s Gary…
ROB
Who never leaves his room, right?
SARAH
Yes.
ROB
Google ‘dogs for sale – London’…
Typing.
SARAH
Too many listings to count…
ROB
Narrow it down. ‘Rottweilers for sale – London’.
SARAH
That’s better. Battersea Dogs Home comes up first…
ROB
No, no, not them… scroll down… ignore the first three pages of results… go to page four or five…
SARAH
Why?
ROB
You don’t want an ethical source.
SARAH
I don’t want a dodgy dog dealer!
ROB
Yes, you do. Battersea or any of the reputable outlets will want you to fill in forms and deal with vets and injections and breeds… You want a ‘no questions asked’ doggery.
SARAH
Fair enough.
Mouse clicks.
ROB
Okay, I’m looking at the same set of results. Page five. Rottweiler Rescue… sounds too ethical to me… Pick-up-a-Pet… ugh…
SARAH
Rehomed Rotts? Surplus Canines? Oh Jesus, this one exports dogs that don’t sell within the month to countries where they’re gourmet delicacies. Debbie Does Dogs? Tell me that’s not an animal porn s
ite, Rob.
ROB
If I did, I’d be lying.
SARAH
I don’t want to know how you know this. Desperate Dogs? What about that one?
ROB
Promising… look, a really crap website. That’s what you need. They can’t afford to be choosy.
SARAH
Should I email them?
ROB
And leave a data trace? No… look at the address… Enfield. Know where that is?
SARAH
Uh, yes. Most people who don’t live in sheds know where Enfield is.
ROB
Then pay a call. First off, have you got any pictures of Dynamo?
SARAH
Me personally, no. But they’re all over the place. Framed portraits. None of his parents, but plenty of his dog.
ROB
Take some good recent ones. For matching…
SARAH
I’m not sure about this. There must be a better way.
ROB
Do you need to know the Serbian for ‘I’d prefer it if you didn’t cut my face further’?
SARAH
I have an Oyster card. I’m on my way to Enfield…
A snatch of song – ‘How Much is That Doggie In the Window?’, the 1953 British cover of the Patti Page hit by Lita Roza. This can be used throughout to cover transitions.
Fade up. Subdued street sounds. SARAH is talking into a mobile.
SARAH
…it’s all lock-ups and junkyards round here. This place must be hidden.
ROB (tinny, on phone)
Can’t you hear howling?
SARAH
Ha ha…
Muffled barking, howling, cage-rattling…
SARAH
Hang on a mo, I can hear dogs… Here it is… Desperate Dogs, painted on a gate… I’m putting you away…
ROB
Leave the line open…
SARAH
Do not record this and put it on YouTube…
ROB
I think we both know how inadvisable that would be. [Does URSIN] You break dog, I break you!
Gate being hauled open. Dog sounds louder as SARAH enters yard.
SARAH
Hello… anyone home?
Vicious barking and cage-chewing…
SARAH (rattled)
Ugh. Dogs…
DECLAN (Irish tinker)
Don’t mind Buttercup there, missy… he’s a lovely boy, aren’t you, Buttercup? Sure to be an asset to any home. Loyal as a Queen’s Guard… see off any intruders…
SARAH
Or relatives… You’re Desperate Dogs?
DECLAN
I’m Declan. Desperate Declan, they say… as a joke, like. It’s the name of the business. You are…?
SARAH
Would it be all right if I didn’t give my name?
DECLAN
Cash customer?
SARAH
Yes. Indeed.
DECLAN
No need to trouble Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise, then?
SARAH
No. Quite.
DECLAN
So, how can Desperate Dogs help you?
SARAH
Ah. I need a dog…
DECLAN
Fair enough. We’ve heard that before here, that being the nature of our business and all. Now, you’re not one of those perverts, are you?
SARAH
Good grief, no.
DECLAN
Not that we judge our dog-lovers here. I’m sure some of those perverts treat their dogs like princesses…
SARAH
Seriously, Declan… I’m not a pervert. I’m… ah… in distress…
DECLAN
A damsel in distress? Our specialty…
SARAH
I need a very special dog.
DECLAN
All dogs are special, darlin’.
SARAH
Special and specific… Look, I know this is… extremely unusual… but, well, do you have any dogs that look like this?
Bit of fuss as she gets out a framed picture and lets him look at it.
DECLAN
That’s a fine-looking animal. Plainly a much-loved member of the family…
SARAH
Yes.
DECLAN
And that’s a fine-looking owner, too. Bit of a hard man, I’d say. Those tattoos. A Russian gentleman?
SARAH
Yes, as it happens.
DECLAN
Great dog-lovers, the Russians. Not perverts. Lovers.
SARAH
Yes. Now, you see… this dog, Dynamo, he’s been part of the family for so long… he’s irreplaceable, really… but…
DECLAN
You want him replaced?
SARAH (surprised)
Yes.
DECLAN
And matched?
Pause.
SARAH (suspicious)
Yes.
DECLAN
Well, why didn’t you say so? That’s easy…
SARAH
Easy?
DECLAN
Sure. We get this all the time… one dog out, another in… no one ever the wiser. Can’t bear to tell the kiddies, eh? What was it? Run over by a lorry?
SARAH
Natural causes.
DECLAN
That’s more peaceful, then. Glad to hear it. Let’s have a look at this Dynamo. Black coat, with a bit of tan about the mouth. Little nick out of the ear. So, once a fighter, then? You have his measurements?
SARAH
I wrote them down… here… Excuse me, but does this happen often? You’re asked to match a dog?
DECLAN
Oh yes. Spare the kiddies distress. A dog’s a dog, after all. And dogs need homes.
SARAH (encouraged)
People get away with this?
DECLAN
Mostly. I’d be lying if I said it was always a smooth transition… but if the match is good, and I think we’ve a perfect match for your Dynamo… then no one need be any the wiser.
SARAH
You’d be saving my life. I might actually mean that.
They walk. Different dogs in different cages make sounds.
DECLAN
Think nothing of it. Now here… this is… well, it don’t matter what his name was, does it? This is… Dynamo.
Keys rattle as cage is opened. Ferocious barking, which calms down.
DECLAN
None of that, lad. Be nice to the lady. She’s bringing you to a new home… Here, give him a treat…
SARAH
Hello, Dynamo II. Who’s a big boy then?
Ferocious but happy chewing.
DECLAN
Is that the size you need?
SARAH
Looks about right. He’s got more… spirit.
DECLAN
Probably younger. That means he’ll live longer.
SARAH
Good. I mean… excellent. Just what’s needed. A not-dying dog. The brown mouth is a perfect match. But… the ear… Can I say that the old wound got better? Does that happen?
DECLAN
Ah, that’s easily taken care of. I’ve a pair of needle-nose pliers here…
Dog resists – growling and snarling. A snip sound! Angry howl.
DECLAN
Now, you take your medicine, lad. No use raising a racket about it.
SARAH
It’s bleeding.
DECLAN
It’ll scab over soon. A few days, and it’ll look like it was always like that. Now, you take his lead…
Growling, barking and straining.
SARAH
He’s a bit of a handful.
DECLAN
Just frisky. Treat him with love and respect and practise no perversions on him and he’ll be just the dog you need. One thousand pounds.
SARAH
What?
DECLAN
Oh, it’s only three hundred for the dog. The rest was for the o
peration.
SARAH
The operation?
DECLAN
The ear-snip. Cost you a lot more at a vet’s, if you could find a vet to do it.
SARAH
Um…
DECLAN