“Don’t rush on my account. I can always come back sometime
after you get it ready. It’s just three hours up here. At least that’s
what I keep telling myself.” She shook her head and mumbled,
“Who knows? After last weekend, I might even be closer than
that.”
Until that confirming remark, Leo had wondered whether
Claudia was still bothered about her weekend at home. “Want to
talk about it?”
“I’ve been thinking I might apply for that position at Melrose
after all, especially now that Sandy’s job will be open too. If I go
back to Cambria, my mother will pressure me to get married. I
should never have told her what Mike said about wanting me to
come to Taiwan.” She had slowed to barely a stroll, as though
she wanted to make their walk last longer. “He was impossible. I
swear if I had spent one more day with him, I would have given
his ring back.”
Leo’s heart leapt at the news, until she scolded herself for
feeling good about something that was clearly upsetting for
Claudia. Besides, breaking up with Mike didn’t make her any less
straight. “I figured you would have used the time to work things
out.”“I thought so too, but we barely saw each other. That was
part of the problem.”
They waited for traffic to clear on Lighthouse Avenue and
hurried across to the wharf. The cold weather was keeping
tourists inside, unusual for a Sunday afternoon.
“First he asked me to take Friday off because he was getting
in on Thursday night, so I did. I should have realized he wasn’t
thinking about us when he told me not to book a room at the guest
house. That’s where we usually stay when we want privacy.”
Leo didn’t want to think about their privacy. From a
purely selfish standpoint, she wanted to hear more about their
problems.
“So I picked him up at the airport and all he wanted to do
was to go to his parents’ house and sack out. We barely got a half
hour together before he went upstairs to bed and I went home
by myself. Then he worked until seven o’clock on Friday night—
which meant I could have been at school all day and still gotten
down there in time to see him.” Claudia’s pace quickened as the
ire peaked in her voice. “We didn’t even get a whole night alone.
We got twenty minutes in his bedroom, going at it like teenagers
while his mother talked on the phone. Pretty romantic, huh?”
Her stomach clenched at the mental image of Claudia having
heated sex with Mike.
“I shouldn’t be bothering you with this. I feel like all I ever
do is complain about him.”
“You aren’t bothering me, Claudia. Friends listen to each
other.” They reached the end of the marina’s public access and
draped their arms over the rail. The sun had begun to disappear
behind the bare masts of sailboats in the harbor. “But I don’t like
hearing that you’re not happy.”
“I was so mad at him by Sunday morning I wanted to scream,
but before he left he asked me to sit down and talk.” Claudia
wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “He really believes the
answer to everything is for me to move to Taiwan and stay there
until he finishes this job. He said we could either get married this
spring or wait until we get back, whichever I want.”
“And what do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to just set my diploma on the shelf. I worked
hard for it and now I want to use it.”
“Did you explain that to him?”
“I’ve told him before, but he promises it’ll only be a year. He
even said if it took longer than that I could come back and go to
work, and that we’d buy a house and he’d join me as soon as he
finished. He says he loves me and he can’t stand being separated
for so long.”
Leo’s natural inclination was to offer a shoulder, but she
didn’t want a repeat of two weeks ago when Claudia had bolted
from her embrace.
“I don’t want to move, but it’s more than that. Ever since
we talked about it, I’ve been trying to imagine actually getting
married…and I’m not so sure I want to do it anymore.”
“You mean now? Or ever?”
“I don’t know,” Claudia said, and buried her face in her hands.
Her diamond ring glinted in the sun. “When we were at Sandy
and Maria’s the other day…that’s what families ought to feel like.
It felt so natural to be there with all those women. It made me ask
myself if it was because I was…you know, gay.”
Her heart hammered as she weighed the significance of what
Claudia had said. “Are you saying you have doubts?”
“I don’t know what the hell I’m saying.” Claudia shook her
head, staring out onto the water as if too embarrassed to make
eye contact. “Don’t take me seriously. It’s probably just one of
those moments where the grass looks greener on the other side.
You guys know how to relax and have fun, and of course that’s
going to feel better than holding my hands in my lap while a
servant in a white coat pours my soup.”
Leo dug her fists into her jacket pockets and turned her face
into the cool wind. With Claudia under such pressure, it was
impossible to tell if she was genuinely having doubts about her
sexuality, or just doubts about Mike. “Whatever you’re feeling,
I’m here if you need to talk about it. And I don’t care what anyone
else thinks you ought to do, I’m on your side.”
“I appreciate that.” Claudia turned and signaled her readiness
to head back to the studio. “Mike wants me to meet him in
Honolulu the week after Christmas. Maybe we’ll get things
sorted out once we get away from all the distractions.”
Leo’s heart sank to hear Claudia back away from her words
so fast. As far as she was concerned, it was Mike who was the real
distraction.
Chapter 19
Leo arranged the photos on her bed, enormously satisfied
with the array. She couldn’t have hired a better model than
Claudia, whose angular face accentuated the shadows and light,
the perfect display of contrast for the workshop judges. All she
needed now was the application, and with it her final selection.
These were gorgeous photos, possibly her best work ever.
The simple ones evoked memories of their first session when
they had barely known each other. As she played back their
conversation that day, it dawned on her what had triggered the
worried wrinkle in Claudia’s forehead. It was when Claudia had
bemoaned the size of her engagement ring as ostentatious, saying
it was more about Mike than her.
The natural light photos also confirmed her displeasure with
Mike, as those had been taken on the heels of his childish behavior
over the phone. The second of those, the one taken through the
nylon filter, still bore traces of the tears she had wiped away and
Leo was glad to have them. Though it recalled Claudia’s sadness,
it made for dr
amatic photography, exactly what she had meant
when she described it as soul-stealing.
Her favorite by far was the three-quarter body shot she had
taken with the spotlight above. Claudia’s bare back stirred a wave
of lust like she hadn’t felt in years. If that weren’t enough, the brief
allusion to the lesbian grass being greener had set off a fantasy
that ended that night in a self-pleasuring session in her bed,
something she rarely did, and never with such a specific vision
in her head. Her dream, in fact, went further than her sexual
climax, with Claudia breaking her engagement and moving into
her house in Monterey. Of course it was unrealistic, but wasn’t
that what made it a fantasy?
She was miserable to be facing their last day together. Her only
solace, ironically, was that Maria and Sandy were moving away
also, because it meant she would have a built-in excuse to show
up in San Luis Obispo and keep their friendship alive—provided
Claudia moved back to Cambria and not Taiwan. It wouldn’t be
enough to ease her longing, though. Claudia’s plan to meet Mike
in Hawaii was proof she wasn’t seriously considering breaking
up. It was more likely they would work things out and solidify
their wedding plans once and for all. Once Claudia married and
started a family, the fantasy would be lost forever.
One by one she slid the photos into plastic covers for
preservation and display. Another set was already tucked inside a
manila envelope awaiting her application to the workshop, and
the negatives were wrapped safely in a cellophane sleeve and
stored in the cedar chest at the foot of her bed. These photographs
signaled a new phase in her life and career, the beginning of what
she expected to be the intense pursuit of her professional dreams.
It saddened her to think Claudia wouldn’t have copies, though
she was glad there was no chance Mike would ever see them.
She was bursting with pride to share the photos, but liked
the idea of having Claudia come back for a visit once she had the
whole package ready. Instead of the portfolio, she had chosen a
simple gift to commemorate their friendship, and it was tucked
inside the pocket of her bomber jacket.
Claudia held the phone underneath her chin so she could
pull on her boots.
“…and Bill Hanover has a Ford Bronco. I’m sure he’d let me
borrow it to bring your things back next weekend.”
“It’s okay, Dad. I brought a lot of it home before Thanksgiving.
I bet I can get the rest in my car. It’s mostly just some clothes
and books.” She wasn’t emotionally ready to return to Cambria,
but there was no way to justify staying longer. Her degree was
finished and since her parents had declined her tepid invitation
to attend the small commencement ceremony, she had decided
to skip it too.
“You deserve some time off. Think you’ll head over to
Taiwan?”
“I don’t know.” Actually she did know, but she wasn’t ready
yet to have that debate. Up until recently, the plan had been for
her to move back into her parents’ house and work while Mike
finished up his job overseas. Now that Mike was pressuring her to
join him, both mothers would probably join the chorus. “I have
my application in at all the school districts in San Luis Obispo
County. If I can get something to fill out the school year, I’d like
to find an apartment.”
“I know you’re not looking forward to coming back home
after being on your own for so long. I can slip you some rent
money if you want your own place.”
“I appreciate it, Dad. Believe me, I’d take you up on it if I
knew for sure I’d be going to work somewhere in the fall, but it
doesn’t make sense to do that if it’s only for a few months. If you
can stand having me around again, I can stand it too.”
Having things up in the air with Mike made it impossible to
plan, even for the short term. It would be so easy if she could just
stay put in Monterey for the next year and a half and table all the
marriage talk until Mike was ready to commit to coming back
to the States for good. But she couldn’t bring herself to ask her
father to subsidize something that might not pan out.
“I promise I won’t make you support me until I’m thirty.”
He laughed. “I’ll always support you, honey, no matter where
you live.”
“You always know the perfect thing to say.” It was almost
verbatim what Leo had said a week earlier when they were
walking on the wharf. At the thought of Leo, she checked the
clock. “On that note, I need to run. I’m meeting a friend for
lunch today. We’re supposed to be celebrating, but I guess we’ll
be saying goodbye too, at least until I can get back up here for a
visit.”
“Make sure all your friends know they’re welcome here
too.”She smiled to think of Leo meeting her mother, who would
make her as a lesbian the second she walked through the door.
That was another reason to get her own apartment, for privacy.
She was sure to see Leo at Maria and Sandy’s new house, but that
meant sharing her with everyone else and being alone together
had become one of her favorite ways to pass the time.
The December sky was brilliant blue, and in a moment of
hatchback. “One last hurrah,” she said aloud, twisting a knitted
scarf around her neck and tucking it into her blazer. With the
heater on full blast, she set out for the familiar Victorian on Van
Buren. Leo had mentioned another walk to the wharf again, but
today’s weather was perfect for a coastal drive, and Claudia had
just the place in mind for lunch—Nepenthe in Big Sur.
She had ruminated all week over her comments to Leo
about feeling at home with the women on Thanksgiving Day
and alluding to the fact that she might actually be a lesbian. As
soon as the words had left her lips, she had felt a small surge of
panic. It was perfectly natural to prefer the relaxed company of
friends to her stiff in-laws or neurotic mother, but the idea that
she might actually be gay was absurd. Women didn’t interest her,
at least not in general. It was only Leo, who just happened to
be a woman. “The fact that I find Leo attractive does not make
0
me a lesbian,” she said, nodding to an imaginary therapist in the
passenger seat.
Whatever it made her, her relationship with Leo was unlike
any she had ever known. She felt special to have broken down
some of the boundaries Sandy had described, such as being one
of the few people Leo welcomed into her home. Hearing Leo talk
about her father, her dreams for the studio, and even a handful
of snippets from what sounded like a disastrous first experience
with love, gave her glimpses into a person probably no one else
saw. Each time she had sensed Leo’s shyness, she had pressed to
overcome it with probing questions
, reveling in the reward of
seeing her open up. All of it had stoked her growing affection
and interest.
If Mike hadn’t been in the picture—she gulped at the
admission—she almost certainly would have experimented with
Leo, if only to find a way to express her feelings. There was no
denying she was the whole package—kind, caring, independent…
and alluring. Saying goodbye was out of the question today or
any day. They had too much invested in one another to surrender
their friendship just because they lived three hours away from
each other. That was only a day trip on any Sunday for a walk
down the wharf, or even a weekend if Leo didn’t mind the
overnight company.
She should have picked up a gift, something for Leo to
remember her by. It was too late now. There were always the
photos, but no matter what Leo said, those belonged as much to
the workshop judges as they did to her. They would be studied
and passed around, discussed by total strangers more interested
in lights and angles than in her. Besides, once the application
was finished, Leo might not even care about them. If Maria’s
experience was any indication, Leo’s best work was ahead of her
after the workshop and these photos would be only a reminder
of her novice days.
Leo reached across the table and poured the last of their
wine split into Claudia’s glass. The afternoon so far had been
idyllic, a mixture of laughing over shivering in the sports car and
reminiscing about the fun they’d had over the past few weeks.
Not far from the surface was a palpable sadness that their time
together was coming to an end.
“This was a great idea, Claudia. I haven’t been down here in
years.”
“It’s pathetic to think we live so close to places like this and
don’t take the time to appreciate them.”
Their outdoor table overlooked one of the most beautiful
scenes in California, the mighty Pacific rising up to meet the
rugged coastline. Scores of diners shared their space on the
veranda of the famed restaurant, yet the atmosphere was private,
since the view commanded everyone’s attention.
Leo was captivated by another view, the pretty woman before
her. With her long hair dancing in the breeze, Claudia looked