And something more. I lifted my head and was startled. There was no happiness, however absent, in his face. There was resignation, and steeled resolution, and an acceptance of approaching grief.
<I suppose,> he said, without protest, <this is where we do say good-bye.>
My horror and disbelief emerged as one wild thought-yell. He jerked his head away as from a shout, I grabbed a handful of hair and yanked it back. “You want me to go? You really want it—”
“Oh, imsar Math!” That was horror too. Then the rest came in one straight and for-once-lucid streak of thought. <Of course I don’t want you to go I never want you to go but you must because of Everran and I thought this was just a kinder way to say good-bye—>
I thumped him with my fists this time, vehement with relief. How could you think I’d do something so—so—I may be a bitch, but not such a bitch as that!
His eyes were open, joy held back as he dared not believe in it.
<’Thar . . . ?> Even in mindspeech, he sounded short of breath.
I took a deep breath for myself. Now it was my turn to cast off defense.
“I do not,” I said firmly, “want to go away. I love Hethria. And I love you, in case it escaped your notice. I think I only told you ten or fifteen times, but you’re so benightedly slow. . . . I want to stay here. At Eskan Helken. Or in Hethria. Or wherever your funny twisted mind takes a fancy to go.”
The sun was rising in his face. He put out a hand, carefully, delicately, cupping my head through the fall of hair as if it were too fragile for the touch. Then he said doubtfully, “But Everran—”
“Forget Everran! I don’t want Everran, I want you.”
“But they need you—independence—the crown—”
“Sazan or Haskar can take the crown. And don’t say they’re too young for it. Mama can be their Regent. She was made for the job.”
He shuddered and shut his eyes. <Poor Everran,> he said.
Don’t be impertinent. And don’t start to fall apart because I’ve misunderstood you again, you know I know what you mean.
He opened his eyes and studied me uncertainly. <But to give up a kingdom—to live in a desert. . . .>
I want to live in a desert. How often do you have to be told?
Evidently more than this, for the doubt deepened to anxiety, almost to dread. <’Thar . . . I’ll say this all wrong, I know I will. . . .>
Say it anyhow.
<You see, I—you—your mother said we would live on grubs and lizards. She wasn’t so far wrong. I know you say that doesn’t matter now, but. . . . You deserve a palace, and I don’t have one. I have a few horses and some gear and Hethria, and. . . .>
He dried up altogether. Then he went on desperately, <I never will have any more and I don’t want any more. And ’Thar, if in ten years time it wasn’t enough, I—> A jib. A despairing plunge. <I belong to Hethria, ’Thar. I wouldn’t—I couldn’t live anywhere else.>
There was something like terror in his look. I rubbed my cheek on his chest. I know that. I’ve always known it. As for having nothing . . . isn’t Hethria enough?
“Mm?”
I struggled to capture my feelings for Hethria, the harshness that was paradoxically precious because it made the rare beauty so much more beautiful, the spell of that capricious bounty whose charm was in its very caprice, the impulse to preserve its desolation solely for that desolation’s sake, the way it had taught me what “respect reality” truly means. The ability to see and live with what is, not what it could or ought to be. As concepts eluded me I found myself shuffling memories, storm and sunset and wet firelit moonlight, grubbing for roots and lizards, a vale full of ephemeral, impossible flowers. But as I gave up in despair I heard him exclaim, <You do know. I thought no one could, except—>
Except you? I tweaked his hair. You don’t imagine I’m here for your sake, do you? I just couldn’t get Hethria any other way.
The imps peeped out of that woven gray. Then they vanished. He was not only reading my eyes, he was reading my mind, and I thought suddenly, Pity the woman with an aedric lover who tries to tell a lie—
He was looking hurt. <I only wanted to be sure. For your sake.>
Did you? Then you should be sure now.
<Yes.> He smiled suddenly, fully, and hugged me to him with both arms.
As the kiss ended, faintly teasing, he answered what I had not yet put into thought. <Naturally I’ve improved. I told you I knew nothing about girls. That was always Zem’s field, not mine.>
I recalled that half-serious, “It’s just as well you’re married and I’m virtuous. . . .”
<He must have had a girl in every dassyk, and half the towns of Assharral.> Zam was smiling at the memory, with nostalgia, and wistfulness, but no longer with present grief. <I never knew how he kept them all in peace, not to mention their relations. But I don’t think one ever ended grieving, let alone after his blood. Just the way he handled it, I suppose.>
In a last mourning for that gay, teasing, accomplished trifler, gone so finally, so irredeemably, I shut my eyes, and felt the lids prick with tears.
Zam had gone tense. But whatever he felt in my mind, however disorderly, it made him relax. When I looked up he said, half-smiling, <You did say anywhere?>
I said, I answered firmly, anywhere.
<Then perhaps . . . now it’s all over . . . we could bring him home.>
Looking into his eyes, hearing the patter of sand on scarlet fabric in the darkness, I answered, Yes. I think we should.
His eyes grew faraway. <And then we might go east. Beryx says the murrain has eased. I’d like to show you Assharral.>
I twitched. Do they know yet—about us?
He nodded. The imps were positively capering.
<Moriana said to tell you we grow more infuriating with age. Beryx reckoned that if my taste ran to spitfires I’d best fireproof my hide.>
Ohhh! Then I saw my revenge. We haven’t, I pointed out smugly, told my mother yet.
<Imsar Math!>
And I won’t do it alone.
<’Thar, you, you—fiend!>
Then the imps rallied. <But then. . . . What will she say about this?>
Whatever she says to me about it, rockface, won’t be half as embarrassing as what she thinks about it will be to you!
He covered his eyes. <I suppose,> he said at last, taking a fresh grip on me to encourage himself, <we’d best go and have it over with.>
* * * * * *
When we were dressed, and ready to go, I lingered another moment to look at Fengthira’s grave. The morrethans were dancing there now, oddly muted without their sleeves of fire, a little wilted from the torrid sun. On a sudden impulse I bent to pat the mound and say, not feeling a complete fool, “We’ll be back.” And I swear that from somewhere, far over the mind’s threshold, I caught a whisper of assenting, ribald mirth.
Zam held out his hand to me, and the imps lurked in his eyes. “Are you,” he inquired demurely, “going down now?”
The look told me it was a quotation. It took a moment to place it. Then I said, “Oh, you . . . I thought you were the most pompous, patronizing, ill-mannered, thick-skinned prig alive.”
“And I thought you were the most spoilt, shrewish, opinionated, fire-spitting termagant that ever walked the earth.”
We grinned at each other. Then I quoted back to him, “Are you ready to leave yourself?”
He took my hand. We turned from the grave and went slowly down the hill, past the saeveryrs who had been there when we came and would remain when we were finally gone, down to the last confrontation, and to the red country that was waiting for us beyond.
THE END
Glossary
Proper names given with capitals.
Coll., collective noun
Imp., imperative
Neg., negative particle
- - -
aedr (pl. aedryx), in common sense, wizard. In aedric usage, practition
er of Ruanbrarx, q.v.
ahltar, sun
aivrifel, (now) antique musical instrument. From aivre, seven (strings), wrifel, honey
alsyr, peace. From ax, neg., syre, to weep
Ammath, evil. From ax, neg., math, good
anor, song, tale
arskan, V., third sing. Lit. It is forbidden
as, Everran prefix, village
Asleax, Everran village. From leax, barley
a’sparre, aedric art. From ax, neg., yn-ynx, hands, sparthe, to kill
aspnor, hemlock. Lit. white killer, from sparthe, to kill, nur-nor, white
Assharral, empire. From asshar, roof-tree
asterne, watch-tower, outpost, lookout post
Asthyn, pl. of axthir, dead. From ax, neg., thire, to be, with play on thira, light
Astil, Everran village. From ilien, water
axos, aedric art. To blind. From ax, neg., os, eye
axvyr, infinity. From ax, neg., vyrne, last, end
axvystar, everlasting daisy. From ax, neg., vyrne, end, tar, flower
Axynbrarve, aedric art. Telekinesis. Lit. to act without hands, from ax, neg. particle, yn-ynx, hands, briarve, to act or have power to act
az, blue
azian, sapphire. Also Hethrian flower, prob. Leschenaultia biloba, from az, blue, iahn, fire, flame
Azilien, Everran river. Lit. Blue-water
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ber, sea
Berheage, first Everran royal dynasty, from ber, sea, heage, family
Berrian, Aedric personal name. Lit. Sea-fire or flame
brenx, peak
breve, pass
Breve Tirien, pass between Everran and Estar. Lit. South-pass
briarve, to act, with sense of having power/competency to do so
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cerisval, galah. From cerisk, pink, val, wing
Chake, aedric art. To command by compulsion
Climbros, Assharran province. Lit. Grain-walls, from climbar, grain, os, wall
Coesterne, Everran northern garrison town. From coed, farm, asterne, lookout post
Cruin Los. Lit. Sometime-spring, from los, lios, spring, cruir, occasional
culphan, cape
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Darrior, Assharran province. From darrith, room, space
dassyk, Hethrian caravan halt. Sathellin (q.v.) dialect. From dassyre, to halt
del, gold
Deltyr, Everran mining town. Lit. Narrow-gold
- - -
el-ela, tree. Coll.
elond, ironbark tree
emsparyx, lizard. From yrk, yrx, legs and emspar, snake (from ema, poison, sparthe, to kill)
end, apple
Eskan Helken, Lit. Red Castle. Aedric fastness in Hethria, q.v.
Estar, Confederate republic. From tar, flower, ais, sweet
Etalveth, Assharran town. From etal, sunset, veth, first, i.e. westernmost
Everran, Confederate kingdom. Possible corruption of Berrian, q.v.
eygnor, magpie. Lit. black-white, sweet, from eygja, black, nor, white, with play on anor, song
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fanx (pl. fann), dog
femaere, demon. Lit. cruel-shadow, from feng, moon, fell, cruel, with supernatural overtones
femaerel, ghost-gum. From femaere, demon, el-ela, tree
feng, moon
fengthir, aedric art. To command imperceptibly. Lit. to draw like the moon
Fengthira, Aedric personal name. Lit. Moonlight, from feng, moon, thira, light
feox, derogatory aedric term for humans
fimbravos, desert spider lily. From fimber, lily, havos, spider
fimbrethal, fringed desert lily. From fimber, lily, ethal, hair, beard
fing-fyng, green
finghend, emerald. Lit. green stone
finlythe, water-loving tree. Lit. green-leaf
Frimmor, Assharran province. From ferim, dairy-herd
fyr-x, kelpie sheep-dog
- - -
gar, skin, hide
Gebasterne, Everran town. From geber, east, asterne, lookout point
geber, east
Gebria, Everran province. Lit. East-land
Gebros, Lit. East-wall, from geber, east, os, wall
ghend, stone
Gjerven, Assharran province. From gjer, grass, ven, way, road
gweldryx, parrots. Lit. tapestry
gyar, foot (Gjerven dialect)
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Haskar, Lit. Harran’s child, from iskar, child
hasselian, swamp. From haz, earth, ilien, water
Haz. Sky-lord worshipped in Everran. Lit. Earth
Hazghend, aedric line and Confederate nation. Lit. Earthstone, from haz, earth, ghend, stone
hazian, ruby. Lit. earth-fire, from haz, earth, iahn, fire, flame
Hazyk, inhabitant of Hazghend, q.v.
heage, branch (tree) family (sentient beings)
Heagian, aedric line. Lit. Fire-branch, often called Flametree
Helkents, range in the Confederacy. Untranslateable term for red of earth or rock
hellien, eucalyptus. Coll. From ilien, water, el-ela, tree
helve, V. imp., to go
helymfet, echidna. From helym, barb, fetha, hat
heshnor, Hethrian desert flower. Lit. white-sheep, from huesh, sheep, nur-nor, white
hethel, olive (both fruit and tree). Lit. desert-tree
Hethmel, region of western Hethria. From heth, desert, meldene, west
Hethox, indigenous Hethrian inhabitant
Hethria, country. Lit. Desert-land
hisgal, box tree. From his, gray, gar, skin, el-ela, tree
Histhira, Confederate range, aedric line. Lit. Gray-light, from histh (pronounced hiss), gray, thira, light
Holym, Confederate country. Coll., cattle
hyrne, fang
- - -
Iahn, Sky-lord worshipped in Everran. Lit. Fire, Flame
idrigg, cold
Ilien, Sky-lord worshipped in Everran. Lit. Water
ilienlythe, parakeelya, Hethrian desert plant. From ilien, water, lythe, leaf
imlann, prized type of wood. Possible “dead finish” tree
imsar Math, invocation. In the name of Math, q.v.
istarel, saltbush. Lit. salt-tree, from istar, salt, el-ela, tree
- - -
keerphar, wild bauhinia tree
keld, mine
Kelf, river. Possibly connected with helkent, q.v., and keld, mine
Kelflase, Everran town. Lit. Kelf-crossing, from lase, lash, q.v.
Kemrestan, Assharran province. From kemres, border, march
Kemreswash, Everran River. Lit. Border-water, from kemres, border, wash, river
ker, house, in sense of dynastic dwelling place
kerrothar, Hethrian desert yam. From quorroth, yams, tar, flower
Kerym Iswyre, Hethrian salt-lake. Lit. Great Salt-lake, from kerym, lake, istar, salt, wyre, great
keva, orange fruit
- - -
langu, python. Assharran semi-mythical being
lase-lash, suffix, meeting, crossroad, junction
lathare, aedric art. “Mindspeech,” verbal telepathic transmission
lethar, dream
letharthir, aedric art. To mesmerise. Lit. to make dream, from lethar, dream, thire, to be
los, spring, or contraction of lios, face
Lossian, aedric personal name. Lit. The Well or Face of Flame
Los Velandryxe Thira, aedric artifact used for wreve-lethar, the supreme art. From los, well, velandryxe, wisdom, thira, light
lydel, possum. Lit. tree-hopper, from el-ela, tree, lyde, to hop
lydsith, kangaroo-paw flower, staghorn ferns. From sith, paw, lydwyr, kangaroo, q.v.
lydwyr, kangaroo. From lyde, to leap, hop, wyre, great
lydyr, hopper. Coll. Small marsupials, bandicoot, paddy melon, kangaroo rat, etc. From lyde, to hop
ly’ffanx, kangaroo dog. From lydwyr, kangaroo, fanx, dog
lyng, morning
Lynghyrne, Confederate mountain. Lit. Fang of the Morning
Lynglos, Everran town. Lit. Morning Face or Spring
Lyngthira, country. Lit. Morning Light, from lyng, morning, thira, light
lythian, poinsettia. From lythe, leaf, iahn, fire, flame
- - -
maer, shadow
Maerdrigg, aedric personal name. Lit. Cold Shadow, from maer, shadow, idrigg, cold
Maerheage, aedric line. From maer, shadow, heage, family
maerian, opal. From maer, shadow, iahn, fire, flame
Maer Selloth, Everran town. Lit. Shadow of the Stars
mallavos, Hethrian desert plant. From mallar, orchid, havos, spider
math, good
Math, abstraction. Aedric equivalent of god
Meldene, west. Region of Everran
morg, black
morgar, “Moreton Bay ash.” From morg, black, gar, hide, skin
morglin, coolabah. From morg, black, gar, hide, bark, el, tree, ilien, water
morglis, Hazghend cape, or black kite. Lit. black-nose, from morg, black, perraglis, hawk
Morheage, aedric line. From morg, black, heage, family
Moriana, aedric personal name. Lit. Black Fire
morrethan, Sturt’s desert pea. From morg, black, rien, crimson, iahn, fire, flame
Morrya, Assharran province. Lit. Black-land, ref. to volcanic soil
morval, crow. From morg, black, val, wing
- - -
nerrys, ocean
Nerrysyr, Lit. Peaceful Ocean, from nerrys, ocean, alsyr, peace (from ax, not, syre, to weep)
Nerthor, Lit. Inheritor
ningu, Hethox dialect. Nardoo seed
norgal, ti-tree, paperbark. Coll. From nor, white, gar, skin, el, tree
nullik, Hethox dialect. Edible seeds
- - -
os, wall
Ozym, personal name. Lit. Subtlety
- - -
Pellathir, aedric art. To cause illusion. From pelere, to bear, carry, lethar, dream
pen, Everran prefix, town
Penhazad, town. Lit. Flat-town, from hazad, plain
perraglis, hawk. From perra, eagle, aglis, small
pharaon, Lit. maker, creator. Loose aedric usage for “god”
pharaone, aedric art. Telepathic vision. From phare, to see
Pharaon Lethar, Lit. maker’s dream. Aedric term for (1.) the physical universe and (2.) the Other World of ghosts and shamans. Cf. Hindu concept of Brahm who creates by “dreaming” the world