shakes and quivers moving aside for the big event.
When I was a fumbling teenager with my first love, we had no idea what
we were doing. I can’t say I like thinking how he learned to move his body
like this, but Theo is a man. He knows exactly what he’s doing, so I’ll enjoy
the repercussions of all that work he put in.
I’m gripping onto him like he’s the only thing keeping me from
drowning. He pauses for a minute, buried deep inside of me, taking time to
kiss me and reaffirm how beautiful he thinks I am, all the little things I do
that amaze him. I can’t hear it really, but his lips…his lips do the job of
convincing me what his voice can’t quite touch. He really wants me.
I feel a hot, salty tear start running down my face as I feel worthy for the
first time since everything went to hell. I’ve had moments, pockets of
happiness, but they always ended with me alone. Theo rolls us again so I’m
fully underneath him, his body pushing me into the mattress but making me
feel safe and protected.
A strange whimpering noise passes through my lips as he senses my
impending demise, his hips snapping against me faster and faster until I’m
sure my body will break. But then everything gets washed in golden light as
he sends me over the edge, and I can’t help the thick way my voice calls his
name, half mourning, half rejoicing at what I just found with him.
“Fuck, baby, don’t cry, don’t cry. I’ve got you. You make me feel so
good.”
He leans down to kiss my tears away, fine tremors throughout my entire
nervous system. There’s a moment of slight awkward just then where I’m
not sure he found his release or not. He’s not moving his hips anymore, but
I can feel the tension in his body still. I shift slightly and he snaps into me a
few more times, then we’re both leaking tears.
“I know why I’m crying, but why are you crying?”
“Amelia, I’ve just wanted this for so long. I didn’t think you’d ever see
me as someone who could do this for you. Touch you like this. I’ve seen
how much you’ve struggled with since you came into my life, and so many
times I wanted to just wrap you up until everything got easier.”
He kisses me again and everything settles around us, making peace with
the moment and what we just did with our bodies. There’s a thrum of
satisfaction in every one of my limbs, my near-useless legs feeling
pleasantly well-used. I feel alive for maybe the first time in a long, long
while.
Constantine
I know I should be with Amelia right now, but yard work just seems like
a good idea. I had to exercise my demons before I attempted to move
forward with her, and luckily my Mom’s place needed some work.
She looked at me a little funny when I showed up, no doubt wondering
why my face looks so unhappy when the love of my life just showed back
up. I want to be happy. Would love to be happy. Cameron…Cameron was
happy. He’d been downright obnoxious with his excitement and jumping on
the everything-Amelia bandwagon. Already talking about getting her a ring.
Alex, the one that always held out on her previously, the one that had the
hardest time admitting to himself that Amelia had enough heart to share it
with all of us, he wouldn’t leave her side. He was Mr. Domesticity- cooking
for her, doing dishes, watching her paint…
So why couldn’t I let go of all this anger? I knew she loved me. At a
fundamental level, I knew that the person she is loves the person I am, but I
couldn’t marry that with the fact that for two years, she had shut us out. For
two fucking years, she didn’t bother to pick up a phone and tell her best
friends what had happened. That she nearly died, and didn’t seem to care
that we knew she was alright or not.
I hated that I was getting in the way of my own happiness, knew that I
should probably just let it go and start my life with her- I’ve waited long
enough. But then I think about her sitting in that hospital room with a
stranger, moving in with a stranger…why the hell didn’t she call us? We
would be in such a different place right now.
Just the way she looked at me though when we showed up at Theo’s
place- I fucking hate that she can’t see me. I hate that…well, I just hate.
Nearly everything about this situation. I stop the lawnmower and throw
bomb. There’s too much to feel for me to not explode. Was she still my
Amelia? Could we actually make this work?
I’m stopped short at the sound of laughter on the breeze, wanting to go
punch something because I know I’m losing my mind. How many times
when she was missing had I thought I saw her in a crowd? Thought I saw
her long hair in a passing car? Smelled her honeysuckle scent when I was
buying groceries?
Maybe that’s why I’m so angry. What if I actually had seen her, and we
could have skipped all this awkward getting-to-know-you-again phase? No,
that wouldn’t have worked. And from what Theo said, she pretty much
doesn’t leave the house. I hate that. The Amelia I used to know loved to be
outside and do stuff.
“Constantine? Are you out here?”
My blood freezes and I turn in the direction of that voice before I even
understand I want to. And just like that, I feel all that anger slipping away,
all the bitter thoughts melting like butter. I can’t not look at the girl and
smile.
“Amelia? What are you doing at my Mom’s place? Who drove you?”
“Sorry, I…Cam’s inside visiting. I thought we should talk.”
We need to talk. Was it starting already? I walk towards her because I’d
be a jerk not to, considering she can’t see a damn thing to close the distance
herself. I give myself a few seconds to simply watch her. Damn, she’s
gorgeous. She’s wearing a sun dress that shows off her shoulders and it’s all
I can do to not just close all the distance between us and kiss them.
“Everything happened so quick the last week, and I thought that you
were happy to see me, but you’ve been avoiding me. I mean, you’re at the
house, but you’re not really there. Must be a pretty big shock for me to just
show up and change everything around, huh?”
Damnit. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice my bad mood, thought I could
hide within all the other guys vying for her attentions, but I should have
known better. Amelia and I had our own thing.
“I’m sorry Amelia. It’s just…”
“You’re angry with me.”
I let out a big exhale, needing to touch her. “Will you come sit down with
me?”
She offers me her hand, just trusting that I’ll be able to position her okay.
“I’m angry.”
She’s sitting on the grass facing me, messing with her hair like she’s
nervous. “I’m pretty sure you have every right to be. I know that emotion
well- I was angry for a long time too.”
And now I feel like a jackass because she’s just put everything into
perspective, and I feel whiny.
“You want to know
why I never called?”
“Yes. Why the hell didn’t you call? I keep looking at it from any angle I
can think of- I don’t understand why you didn’t let us in! We could have
been there the whole time, helping you, loving you- do you not want us?
Did you think we would not want you if we saw you like that?”
Fuck. Now I made her cry. “Damnit. Come here.” I pull her into me,
lying back so I can hold her. She buries her face into my chest, trembling,
her hands gripping my t-shirt.
“I’m sorry for hurting you, Constantine. I wanted to call you guys, so
many times. It was so hard not to.”
“Make me understand, Mils, because I feel like I’m stuck in purgatory
here. I have all these memories of kissing you and hanging out with you,
then all these feelings of dry emptiness, of trying to form a new life without
you in it.”
“Well, I should probably start at the beginning- Theo told you about the
school I was at?”
I nod, but then vocalize, remembering she won’t see it.
“That night you guys showed up at my house, when my Aunt kicked you
off the property…you seemed off-put when I started pinching myself?”
“Shit, I almost forgot about that. You weren’t just pinching Amelia, you
were mottling your skin up.”
“Yeah, well that was the method suggested to me from that school to
cleanse myself from impure thoughts. I don’t want to go all ‘pity-me’ here,
but it might help you understand my thought process. For a year and a half,
I had it drilled into me that you guys weren’t mine.
“And I know you know now about Sophie’s meddling, but as far as I
knew, you guys were happy. I saw those pictures of you guys hanging out
with friends and doing normal teen stuff, and I honestly thought you were
all happy.”
“That’s ridiculous- you have to know most of those were staged and that
those were some of the only times we smiled. We were definitely not happy,
Amelia. We were a total mess.”
“Yeah, I kind of know that now. But then?” She shakes her head. “I
thought my life was never going to be mine again, Constantine. Between
that school and my aunt, not even my thoughts were my own. Everyone was
managing my life, telling me how to behave, how to think, and if I didn’t
comply things were even worse.”
“You know, I was going to break you out of your house that night. I was
waiting in the woods for night to fall so I could sneak in and steal you.”
“Steal me, huh?”
“Hey, teenage me wanted to be with his girl. I don’t know what I would
have done with you after the fact, but you were 18 so it was going to
happen.”
“I wish I had been stronger- I thought about running away, but my mind
was so…clouded…that I didn’t feel like I had anywhere to go. Anyway, we
could waste our whole lives wondering ‘what if?’. So many things could
have been different, but the fact is, they aren’t.
“And then the fire…I don’t really want to talk about that part too much,
but when I woke up, and the doctor told me how ruined I was…coupled
with the fact that I still thought you guys were doing okay, my biggest fear
was that you’d find out and throw everything away to help me.”
“We would have, in a heartbeat.”
“Which is why I couldn’t call. As far as I saw it, I was a complete
invalid, and you were a bunch of cute teenage boys trying to pick up girls
and grow up. If you had come to see me, you wouldn’t have left. I thought
that if you guys came in, you’d never leave, and I’d be taking your whole
future from you.
“It was ingrained in me that you guys needed to be free of me, free to live
how you wanted to live, to make mistakes and have your chance at finding
someone to love that could give you everything you needed. When I
couldn’t even move my legs, or open my eyes, how could I do anything for
you? For any of you?”
I wipe the tears from her face, finally understanding something. “You
didn’t call because you thought by sacrificing your own happiness, you
were helping us to find ours?”
“In a nutshell, yeah. I thought that the only thing that would come from
me calling you would be growing resentment. That we’d grow up and
eventually you’d realize you wasted your youth trying to play nurse.
“Plus, you guys always made me feel pretty and loved. I wasn’t that
anymore. I didn’t want to hear the way your voice would have changed, or
find out that you wouldn’t see me as someone you’d want to kiss and build
a life with.”
I kiss her. Damn do I kiss her. It’s not like that first kiss I gave her when
we found her again, this is more of a reconnection, proof that I still see her
as a woman.
“Does that make things clearer? Amelia, it’s your heart that I love. Its our
lifetime of shared memories, and the way you have to check your breathing
every time I touch you. I’m sorry I’ve been distant.”
“I knew that if we ever got back together there would be issues to work
past. We haven’t been able to be together like this since we were like 16.
We’re totally different people now. Maybe we’ve changed too much.”
I kiss her again to stop that crazy talk. “Stop talking, Amelia. We could
wait twenty years and carry on like none had. You don’t outgrow
soulmates.”
“I hate that we all have all these twisted memories now, that we all had to
struggle so much to get here.”
I pull her closer yet, squeezing her, feeling her life pulse under my hands.
“Worth it. I love you, Mils.”
And just like that, all the tension drains from me, crawling over the grass
to escape. I get to sit there and hold Amelia, feel her mouth on mine while
the sun shines and the birds call. I have to suppress all the other issues I
have with the past, with the girls I’ve wasted time on, because those were
my issues to deal with.
Would I have seen her differently if I had taken on the role of caretaker?
It’s hard to say no absolutely, but I know I’m already scared to really touch
her, because I have this image of her being so breakable now. Which is total
shit, but something about seeing the way she relies on those she trusts so
much makes me think that maybe I would have.
When my dad left us, when he left the last bruise marking up my
mother’s body, I knew that I would do whatever it takes to be as different
from him as possible. I knew I wasn’t always the friendliest, but a few days
with this girl already had me thinking in damn near poetry, noticing birds
and shit.
“You want to protect me, don’t you?”
I tuck her hair over her shoulder, kissing it like I’ve been wanting to.
“How do you do that? Did you gain telepathy when you healed?” She
gives me the sweetest damn giggle, her fingers tickling my sides a little as
she runs them up it.
“I really can’t see much, but I know the way you think, and the way you
look when you’re thinking. I’m reading the way your body language feels,
too.”
“I was just thinking you might have been right- even now I’m worried
that if I try anything with you, I’ll hurt you.”
She grabs my hand, places it right over her breast, and shivers a little.
“I’m not a piece of glass. I know my body is different, but it still
remembers the way you used to touch me.”
That makes me groan, thinking of making out in cars and hiding behind
trees. My dick wakes up, pressing against her leg while she squirms.
“I don’t want to rush anything, Mils.”
“I don’t want to drag everything out, Tina. If you’re mine, really mine, I
need to feel it. Otherwise, we need to put some boundaries in place and
figure out what we’re doing.”
“Fuck boundaries. You’re mine.” I feel her nipple pebble and I lean
forward, biting it through the cotton of her dress and letting my fingers slip
under her skirt to feel her bare legs. They’re different, less toned, but they
still feel incredible. As does the wet heat I find at the top of her thighs.
“Can I touch you, baby? I need to know if this is as good as I remember.”
She nods frantically, kissing me while I trace inside and outside her
seam, slipping a finger in to swirl up all that delicious slick, teasing her clit
and plunging inside of her. Her whole body goes taut as I start working her,
my fingers working on muscle memory from when we were teens. Except
I’ve learned a few things since then, so I bring her faster than I thought
possible, adding another finger for her to cream all over as she calls my
name in that perfect, husky voice she gets when she’s turned on.
“God, I missed you, girl.”
She’s too worked up to speak, and I wait until her body’s done twitching
before sucking my fingers clean, and leaving the taste of her body on her
own lips so we match. “Fuck boundaries.”
Alex
I pound on Sophie’s door, ready to pick a fight. She looks happy to see
me, but her smile diminishes as she sees the monster hiding in my eyes.
Then she seems to remember I didn’t show up at the funeral last week and
she crosses her arms, as if she has any ground to stand on to be angry with
me.
“You embarrassed me. I needed you to be there for me, Alex.”
I can’t even look at her face right now. There had been moments, short-
lived ones, where I’d been with her and thought that maybe, just maybe