3. These categories are defined by the Mountain States Employers Council, Inc., in the booklet Generations: Working Together, 6.
4. Lewis Smedes, Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve (San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1993).
5. Henry Nouwen, The Only Necessary Thing (New York: Crossroad, 1999).
CHAPTER 14
1. Alice Miller, online interview, 2006 www.alice-miller.com/interviews_en.php?page=2.
2. Elan Golomb, Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self (New York: William Morrow, 1992), 199.
3. American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 717.
SUGGESTED READING AND MOVIE VIEWING SOURCE LISTS
BOOKS
Adams, Alice. Almost Perfect. New York: Washington Square Press, 1993.
Agnew, Eleanor, and Robideaux, Sharon. My Mama’s Waltz. New York: Pocket Books, 1998.
Apter, Terri. You Don’t Really Know Me: Why Mothers and Daughters Fight and How Both Can Win. New York: Norton, 2004.
Bassoff, Evelyn. Mothers and Daughters: Loving and Letting Go. New York: New American Library, 1988.
Beattie, Melody. Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time. Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation, 1989.
———. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. New York: Harper and Row, 1987.
Beren, Phyllis. Narcissistic Disorders in Children and Adolescents. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1998.
Bowlby, John. A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. London: HarperCollins, 1988.
Boynton, Marilyn, and Dell, Mary. Goodbye Mother Hello Woman: Reweaving the Daughter Mother Relationship. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 1995.
Brashich, Audrey D. All Made Up: A Girl’s Guide to Seeing Through Celebrity Hype . . .and Celebrating Real Beauty. New York: Walker, 2006.
Brenner, Helene G. I Know I’m in There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity. New York: Penguin, 2003.
Brown, Byron. Soul Without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within. Boston: Shambhala, 1999.
Brown, Nina W. Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2003.
———. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2001.
Campbell, W. Keith. When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2005.
Carter, Steven, and Sokol, Julia. Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist. New York: M. Evans, 2005.
Chesler, Phyllis. Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman. New York: Avalon, 2001.
Cloud, Townsend. The Mom Factor. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1996.
Colman, Andrew M. Oxford Dictionary of Psychology. New York: Oxford University Press, 2001.
Corkille Briggs, Dorothy. Celebrate Your Self: Making Life Work for You. New York: Doubleday, 1977.
Cowan, Connell, and Kinder, Melvyn. Smart Women, Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men, Avoiding the Wrong Ones. New York: Signet, 1985.
Debold, Elizabeth; Wilson, Marie; and Malavé, Idelisse. Mother Daughter Revolution: From Good Girls to Great Women. New York: Bantam, 1994.
Delinsky, Barbara. For My Daughters. New York: HarperCollins, 1994.
Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, and Pressman, Robert M. The Narcissistic Family. New York: Lexington Books, 1994.
Drabble, Margaret. The Peppered Moth. Orlando, FL: Harcourt, 2001.
Edelman, Hope. Motherless Daughters. New York: Addison-Wesley, 1995.
Elium, Don, and Elium, Jeanne. Raising a Daughter: Parents and the Awakening of a Healthy Woman. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1994.
Ellis, Albert, and Harper, Robert. A. A Guide to Rational Living. Chatsworth, CA: Wilshire, 1974.
Fenchel, Gerd H. The Mother-Daughter Relationship: Echoes Through Time. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1998.
Flook, Marie. My Sister Life. New York: Random House, 1998.
Forrest, Gary G. Alcoholism, Narcissism and Psychopathology. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1994.
Forward, Susan. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. New York: Bantam, 1989.
Fox, Paula. Borrowed Finery. New York: Henry Holt, 1999.
Friday, Nancy. My Mother, My Self: The Daughter’s Search for Identity. New York: Dell, 1977
Golomb, Elan. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self. New York: William Morrow, 1992.
Herst, Charney. For Mothers of Difficult Daughters: How to Enrich and Repair the Bond in Adulthood. New York: Random House, 1998.
Hirigoyen, Marie-France. Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity. New York: Helen Marx Books, 2000.
Hotchkiss, Sandy. Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002.
Judd, Wynonna. Coming Home to Myself. New York: Penguin, 2005.
Karen, Robert. Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love. New York: Warner, 1994.
Kieves, Tama. This Time I Dance! Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love. New York: Penguin, 2002.
Lachkar, Joan. The Many Faces of Abuse: Treating the Emotional Abuse of High-Functioning Women. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1998.
———. The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple: The Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital Treatments. Philadelphia, PA: Brunner/Mazel, 1992.
Lazarre, Jane. The Mother Knot. New York: Dell, 1976.
Lowen, Alexander. Narcissism: Denial of the True Self. New York: Touchstone, 1985.
Masterson, James F. The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1988.
Meadow, Phyllis W., and Spotnitz, Hyman. Treatment of the Narcissistic Neurosis. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1995.
Michaels, Lynn. Mother of the Bride. New York: Ballantine, 2002.
Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, 3rd ed. New York: HarperCollins, 1996.
Minuchin, Salvador. Families and Family Therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1974.
Morrison, Andrew P. Essential Papers on Narcissism. New York: New York University Press, 1986.
Northrup, Christiane. Mother-Daughter Wisdom: Understanding the Crucial Link Between Mothers, Daughters and Health. New York: Bantam Doubleday Dell, 2005.
Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1985.
O’Neill, Eugene. Long Day’s Journey Into Night. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 1956.
Peck, M. Scott. People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983.
Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. New York: Ballantine, 1994.
Richo, David. How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving. Boston: Shambhala, 2002.
Robinson, Marilynne. Housekeeping. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1980.
Schiraldi, Glenn R. The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Source Book: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2000.
Secunda, Victoria. When Madness Comes Home: Help and Hope for Children, Siblings, and Partners of the Mentally Ill. New York: Hyperion, 1997.
———. When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life. New York: Dell, 1990.
Snyderman, Nancy, and Streep, Peg. Girl in the Mirror: Mothers and Daughters in the Years of Adolescence. New York: Hyperion, 2002.
Solomon, Marion F. Narcissism and Intimacy: Love and Marriage in an Age of Confusion. New York: W. W. Norton, 1992.
Sprinkle, Patricia H
. Women Who Do Too Much: How to Stop Doing It All and Start Enjoying Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992.
Stansbury, Nicole. Places to Look for a Mother. New York: Carroll & Graf, 2002.
Stone, Hal, and Stone, Sidra. Embracing Your Inner Critic. New York: HarperCollins, 1993.
Ulanov, Ann and Barry. Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and the Envying. Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1983.
Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow. New York: Ballantine, 1986.
Wells, Rebecca. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. New York: HarperCollins, 1996.
Wilde, Oscar. The Picture of Dorian Gray. New York: Barnes and Noble, 1995.
Williams, Tennessee. The Glass Menagerie. New York: Random House, 1945.
Williamson, Marianne. A Woman’s Worth. New York: Random House, 1993.
Wurmser, Leon. The Mask of Shame. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1995.
Yudofsky, Stuart C. Fatal Flaws: Navigating Destructive Relationships with People with Disorders of Personality and Character. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing, 2005.
MOVIES, WITH DIRECTORS (MOST ARE AVAILABLE ON VIDEOCASSETTE OR DVD.)
Baby Boom, 1987 (Charles Shyer)
Beaches, 1988 (Garry Marshall)
Because I Said So, 2007 (Michael Lehmann)
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002 (Callie Khouri)
Georgia Rule, 2007 (Garry Marshall)
Gia, 1998 (Michael Cristofer)
Gypsy, 1962 (Mervyn LeRoy)
Mermaids, 1990 (Richard Benjamin)
Miss Potter, 2006 (Chris Noonan)
Mommie Dearest, 1981 (Frank Perry)
Mona Lisa Smile, 2003 (Mike Newell)
Ordinary People, 1980 (Robert Redford)
Pieces of April, 2003 (Peter Hedges)
Postcards from the Edge, 1990 (Mike Nichols)
Prozac Nation, 2003 (Erik Skjoldbjaerg)
Something to Talk About, 1995 (Lasse Hallstrom)
Terms of Endearment, 1983 (James L. Brooks)
The Devil Wears Prada, 2006 (David Frankel)
The Mother, 2003 (Roger Michell)
The Other Sister, 1999 (Garry Marshall)
The Perfect Man, 2005 (Mark Rosman)
White Oleander, 2002 (Peter Kosminsky)
INDEX
A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.
A
Abandonment, fear of, 71, 113, 187
Abuse and neglect, 11, 41–44
Acceptance, 137, 140–43, 145, 152. See also Grieving
Accomplishment-oriented mother, 48–50, 88
Accomplishments, overemphasis on. See also High-achieving daughter
with one’s own children, 129–30, 209, 210–11
sibling extremes in, 67–68
Accountability, 199, 208
Addicted mother, 53–54
Addictions, 53–54, 101, 103, 130, 176. See also Alcohol abuse
Admiration, excessive requirement for, 9
Age, refusal to be limited by, 175
Alcohol abuse, 61, 103, 107. See also Addictions
All Made Up (Brashich), 82
American Psychiatric Association, 8
Amy and Isabelle (Strout), 153
Anger, 28, 125–26, 145
Appearances. See Image
Approval, futile attempts to win, 19–20
Arrogance
high-achiever’s fear of, 93
of narcissistic mothers, 10
Art of Loving, The (Fromm), 109
Authenticity. See also Real self
encouraging in children, 130, 211–12
image vs., 84
B
Baby boom generation, 197–98
Bargaining (stage of grief), 145
Basketball analogy, 114, 117
Beaches (film), 46
Blame, 113, 140, 202, 208
Body image, 82, 83
Body Work (television program), 81
Bonding, failure of, 11–13
Bone density test, 176
Boundaries
lack of, 33–35, 73
in romantic relationships, 215
setting with children, 207, 208, 212
setting with friends, 216–17
setting with mother, 186, 187–90, 193
Bowen, Murray, 185
Bradshaw, Cathryn, 57
Brashich, Audrey, 82
Breast implants, 77, 83
Brothers, 64–67. See also Sons
C
Children, 123–32, 203–12. See also Parenting
author’s, 83, 204, 207–8
divorce and, 44–45
empathy toward, 128–29, 206–8
encouraging authenticity in, 130, 211–12
entitlement in, 208, 209
fear of failing with, 123–25
fear of having, 105
finding the middle ground with, 125–27, 132
instilling values in, 209–10
modeling the not-good-enough message, 127–28, 204
overemphasis on accomplishments, 129–30, 209, 210–11
praising, 126–27, 209
respecting feelings of, 130
“Cinderella” (fairy tale), 158
Civil connection, 185
Clarkson, Patricia, 27
Cleaning, overemphasis on, 19–20, 50, 188
Coach University, 175
Codependent relationships, 69, 109–10, 118–19
beliefs associated with, 112
described, 113–17
recovery and, 215
Collage, real-woman, 171
Collapse, 163, 165–69
Colonoscopy, 176
Commitments, making and keeping, 160
Competition, maternal, 26
Creativity, 160
Criticism, 30–31. See also Internal critic
Cultural influences
idealization of motherhood and, 13
on image, 76, 80–83
D
Daughters-in-law, 64–65
Deceased mothers, 77, 104, 184, 194
Denial, 13–14, 145
Dependent relationships, 69, 109–10
beliefs associated with, 112
described, 117–19
recovery and, 215
Depression, 25–26
as grief stage, 145–46
in narcissists, 69
self-saboteur and, 101, 102–3, 104
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), 8, 165–66, 217–18
Distorted love, 6, 7, 109
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (Wells), 37, 53, 120
Divorce, 44–45, 110, 111
“Does Your Mother Have Narcissistic Traits?” (questionnaire), 15–16
Doll therapy, 151
Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, 59, 88
Dove Corporation, 82–83
Dr. 90210 (television program), 81
Drabble, Margaret, 99
Drastic Plastic Surgery (television program), 81
Dreams, 12, 89
DSM. See Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
E
Eating disorders, 101, 102. See also Weight, preoccupation with
EMDR. See Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
Emotionally needy mother, 56–57
Empathy
lack of, 10, 11, 27–28
toward children, 128–29, 206–8
Emptiness, feeling of, 11, 118
Empty chair (exercise), 60
Engulfing mother, 37–40, 69
characteristics of, 38–40
daughter’s parenting skills
and, 126
ignoring behaviors in, 45–46
separating from, 154
Entitlement
appropriate expectations, 72–73, 160
in children, 208, 209
narcissists’ belief in, 9, 72
in romantic relationships, 114, 118
Envy and jealousy
coping with, 157–58, 161
in friendships, 217
of the high achiever, 94
of mothers toward daughters, 21–23
as a narcissistic trait, 10
Exercise, 176–77
Exercises
empty chair, 60
finding interests in a memory, 174–75
“If I Were Good Enough,” 173
real-woman collage, 171
talking to your inner child, 150–51
uncovering values, 171–73
Exploitative behavior, 9–10
Extreme Makeover (television program), 81
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), 151, 159
F
Families, 59–73. See also Brothers; Fathers; Sisters
healthy, 69–70
hierarchy of, 69–71, 212
Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (Bowen), 185
Fantasies, narcissistic, 8–9
Fathers, 59–64
author’s, 28
mothers’ criticism of, 33
mothers’ jealousy and, 23, 45, 63–64
mothers’ subjugation of, 59–63, 71
psychosomatic mother and, 52
Feelings
capacity to experience, 160
family dynamics and, 71
ignoring mother and, 40–41
image vs., 75–76
inability to deal with, 28–30
processing of, 138–39
respecting children’s, 130
in romantic relationships, 113
Fisher, Carrie, 76
Flamboyant-extrovert mother, 46–48
Forgiveness, 198–200
Friend role (in parent-child relationship), 31–33, 130–31, 212
Friendships, 216–17
Fromm, Erich, 109
Fun, 174
G
Generations: Working Together (booklet), 196–97
Generation X, 197–98
Generation Y, 81, 197
Gifts
mother’s, 201
rejection of, 19, 20
GI generation, 197
Girls, Inc., 81
Giving Away Simone (Waldron), 17
Golomb, Elan, 3, 203
Grandiose feelings, 8, 69
Gregory, James, 176
Grieving, 137, 139, 140, 143– 152, 165, 199. See also Acceptance