Small Steps to Great Parenting
Dr. Kalanit Ben-Ari
First print Published by Swan & Horn, Scotland
Kindle published by Kalanit Ben-Ari
Email: kalanit.benari@gmail.com
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Intellectual rights retained by the author Copyright © Kalanit Ben-Ari 2017.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the Publisher.
Disclaimer: Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of information contained in this publication, however no guarantee can be given that all errors and omissions have been excluded. The Publisher and Author accept no responsibility for loss occasioned to any person acting or refraining from action as a result of the content of this book.
Editorial: Hannah Phillips and Bethany Howell.
Covers and graphic design: Maria Hampshire-Carter and Shani Ivgi Barber.
To Oriya and Hila
For your gift
of showing me
where I need to grow
Contents
Welcome into this book
How this book came about
Overview of the content
How to read this book
INTRODUCTION TO PART ONE
Good versus positive parenting: preparing for life
Focus on the relationship versus discipline
React positively in daily interactions
Imagine the home you want to create
The impact of positive daily interactions
Make the ‘in-between’ moments matter
“Mindful” versus “perfect” parenting
Live the change – and reap the rewards
Chapter 1: Positive words create positive realities
Reinforce the positive to address the negative
“No, no, no!”
Stigma creates identity
The test of time
Awakening cooperation
Wean off “Why?”
Preparing a plan
Choked by choice
The wonder of words
Left with the “but”
Help when needed
Who wants to volunteer?
Chapter 2: The beauty of belonging
Belonging as base
Sharing is caring
Challenge them with the problem
Be in touch
The battle of the homework
Your child’s wisdom
Chapter 3: Your smile can change your child’s brain!
The strength of a smile
Wants versus needs
Smile when you least feel like it
Laughter therapy
Attention time
The power of a glance
Children channel your calm
The look of love
Chapter 4: Kindness goes a long way
From the mouths of babes
Take it outside
Buddha wisdom
Emotional bank account
Sow your values
It’s an educational road
Play-date patience: remembering the real you
The “Thank you!” way
Don’t play the shame game
Chapter 5: What you see from here, you do not see from there
Understanding the code
A world of giants
Why do they act the way they do?
The quick step
A rocky gift
Planned screaming
Don’t give the third degree
Traffic light danger
The camera doesn’t lie
Beyond behaviour: seeing the schema
Chapter 6: Encourage conversation — not interrogation
Space, space, space
Face feelings
Send an invitation
Cultivate curiosity
The license to “be”
“Thank you for telling me”
Language stimulations are good – but your approach is better
Are your comments “expanding” or “closing”?
Listen long (and talk short)
Mirroring and your child’s brain
Mirroring is key to development of the self
Chapter 7: Teach your children to trust their instincts
“I am amazing!”
The magic of mistakes
Indulge the inner artist (silently)
Let them explore their own way
Instilling independence
It’s okay to fail
A climate of honesty
Encouragement
Am I spoiling my child?
Constructive criticism is still criticism
Chapter 8: The downside of praise
The downside of praise
The “I worked hard!” way
Find the pride inside
Encouragement versus praise
Delete the brackets
Mindsets for growth
Their achievement or yours?
Abilities are developed
Don’t say it if you don’t believe it!
What you say is not what they hear
Praise patience
In place of praise or judgement
Chapter 9: Beyond play: Creating confidence
Free time is golden
Create space
Take a step back
The benefits of boredom
Playing equals learning
Be where you are
Bring play to chores
Be the base
“Stop” and “Go”
Build a happy playground
Putting it all together
INTRODUCTION TO PART TWO
Looking back is the first step forward
Intrusion vs neglect parenting
The perfection gap: fantasy meets reality
The root of your challenge
Chapter 10: Parenting visions for challenging times
Walk the walk
Build from a strong core
Make the magic come alive
Own your lake
Wear rose-tinted glasses
See struggle as a good thing
See the amazing!
Choose children – not screens
When you look back
Point toward progress
Chapter 11: Self-disclosure time
Feelings as clues
Letting go
Your past in the present
Share the real you
The future is now
Rewrite the script
Search the positive past
Caring for the caregiver
When the problem becomes the pattern
Taking a look at timing
Mirror image
Chapter 12: The echo of your words
“Yes”, “No” or “Maybe so”
“I told you so”
The frequency of “No”
Good and bad – there’s no such thing
When it’s not about love
A mistake or bravery?
Speak words of trust
Speak to the “better self”
It’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it!
The wolf of the heart
Chapter 13: Transitions: Change from the child’s perspective
Mood music
Touch points ease transition
Changing the channel
Raising resilience
Create a mantra
Breathe easy
Morning with Buddha
Is it normal?
Talk about expectations
Present the dilemma
Chapter 14: Routine rules
Set up for success
Silence the screens
Waking up with music
The role of routine?
Routine breaks
The good of the gong
Change your role
Bedtime – trick or a treat?
Making the most of mealtimes
Chapter 15: Sibling relationships
Play with positioning
One at a time
Celebrate siblings
Beyond compare
Feelings of fairness
Team teaching
Be a coach (not a referee)
Avoid the blame game
Cultivate caring
How the sun shines
Beware of angels
Mind the gap
Older angst
Chapter 16: Parental authority
Safe means sound
Trust yourself
Make a mantra
With the baby we gave birth to guilt
Method to the madness
Knowing when to relax boundaries
Let the challenge be your lesson
Raise your words not your voice
What do they want to tell us?
The sign for restart
Chapter 17: Parents as a team
Together as one
The power of working together
How to navigate a dead end
“But I’m right!”
You are both right!
Build on couple strengths
More than one model
We “need” versus we “must”
Reading the right team sheet
Putting it all together
Sources and resources
WELCOME INTO THIS BOOK
There is a saying among therapists that ‘we teach what we want to improve in ourselves’. This is probably why the focus of my own work as a therapist, primarily with couples, turned more to therapy with parents soon after having my first child. As my own children reached toddlerhood, I found myself providing more and more consultations, lectures and workshops for parents. I noticed when I taught a specific topic that I became more conscious of it, and this greatly improved my relationship with my own children. Whenever I faced a parenting challenge, I offered a workshop on it. I realised that ‘parenting’ is like a muscle, one we need to use, to stretch, to exercise and to challenge; if we are persistent and flex the parenting muscle, we will enjoy the results of this flexible and healthy way of living.
Small Steps to Great Parenting has grown out of many years of experience as a family therapist. I started out working with deprived children living in a hostel. After completing a PhD in psychology, I began to work with couples and families at my private clinic. More parents came to see me for a wide range of reasons, covering all kinds behavioural challenges, communication issues and emotional difficulties. By this stage, they had often been inundated with complicated, out-dated and frequently conflicting advice, bouncing unsuccessfully from tolerating their children’s tantrums to implementing time-outs and star charts. Time after time, they told me that rather than these kinds of short-term gimmicks, they wanted simple, effective tips for handling day-to-day situations that would work over the long term – tips that would allow them to communicate more effectively with their children.
All the parents who come to see me want to be the best parents they can be. They feel there must be another way to deal with their challenges. I teach them how to listen to what happens in the family dynamic, and I will do the same for you through this book. Using simple techniques, you will learn how to create a relationship with your children you’ve always desired.
How this book came about
It all started after a workshop I gave on the topic of sibling relationships. I was contacted by Alex, a father of three. My ideas and approach made a lot of sense to him, and he asked me whether I would consider putting tips and short ideas about parenting in a newsletter for people like him, who found it difficult to find time to read and digest the lengthy parenting books that were available. This is how the idea for this book was born – a comprehensive and quick guide for busy parents. I know how hard it can be for time-pressured parents to find either the time or energy to read the books they want to, especially when they are facing more challenges than ever before – increasing academic pressure on their children, and battles over screen time are just two examples.
Most parenting books on the market focus on problems that need ‘fixing’, usually to do with functions – problems with sleeping, eating, behaviour or toilet training. Of course, many parents are on the lookout for a ‘quick fix’ – some magic solution – but unfortunately there is no such thing! The key ingredients for successful parenting are deeper than that. They include thoughtfulness, planning and strategy, and consideration of your own values. As Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, once said: ‘You cannot fix a relationship, but you can transform it’. The content of Small Steps is broken down into easily digestible concepts, with chapters which focus on specific areas that parents find challenging. It offers practical and easy-to-use tips which they can implement every day. All the suggestions relate to small changes that can make a big difference. Using just one tip a day can foster a joyful connection between you and your children.
This book is not about telling you a single ‘right’ way to deal with behaviour issues (which is what many parents believe the case to be) but gives a range of ideas. My aim is to support you to expand your options. I will help you tap into your own creativity in your parenting, so that you can discover which options are right for you. While it’s tempting to delve into a book that deals with one specific issue – usually the most pressing one for your child at that time – this approach does not allow meaningful changes to occur. This is because it isn’t possible to separate children’s specific behaviours from the wider family dynamic. We need to look always at the big picture rather than the symptom – the underlying problem.
A colleague of mine compared the situation to a bagel – a dough ring with a hole in the middle. We can choose to concentrate on the hole in the middle, which represents the problem, but of course there’s nothing there! Instead we should focus on the ring of dough, which represents our relationships. By making this ring fuller and bigger, the hole in the middle gets smaller – without you working on it directly. The book you are now reading is about the dough, about the many ways in which you can foster a positive and healthy connection between you and your children that not only makes your days more joyful, but also decreases any challenging behaviours in the family dynamic.
Overview of the content
Part One lays the foundations for positive and connected relationships between parents and their children. These basic principles, at the heart of our conscious relationships with our children, are described in the Introduction, which clarifies the difference between ‘good’ and ‘effective’ parents and describes why parenting can be so challenging, especially when we focus on the relationship rather than specific problems or discipline. It also illustrates the power of positive int
eractions, parental attitude and the process of change.
The chapters in this section focus on expanding your parenting skills and giving you a ‘toolkit’ to equip you for your positive parenting journey – a journey that’s about exploring and trying things out. There are simple techniques for reacting in a positive and encouraging way to a variety of day-to-day situations with your children, often very simple reactions that build trust and strengthen connections, so helping to create a positive atmosphere in the home, whereby the big picture of your values and goals as a parent translate into simple, everyday, hands-on interactions.
You will learn about the power of your words in daily interactions with your children, and the change that positive words can bring when coupled with a positive set of approaches. The Beauty of Belonging emphasises the importance of a child’s sense of belonging to their family; much of their behaviour involves acting out actions when this is not the case. Non-verbal communication is covered too – children’s unconscious minds react strongly to non-symbolic connections, and if you get this right you will bring more calm to their world, and yours. The tips in Kindness Goes a Long Way take you back to your own ‘core intentions’ to be a kind parent and role model – and underline the fact that kindness is the fastest way to bring about change. The child’s point of view is covered in Chapter 5. Understanding their perspective promotes a healthy and connected relationship, and viewing things ‘from their side’ will change the way you react to them, in line with your values and their emotional and cognitive state.
Some parents need help when it comes to encouraging conversation (rather than interrogation), to improve their communication skills, moving away from ‘master’ talk and towards listening, validating, empathising and being curious. This is hugely significant to the parent–child relationship and for teaching and modelling to children how to communicate with others.
Ways to build your children’s inner confidence in their own judgement are described in the context of teaching children to trust their instincts, which empowers them to make the right decisions for themselves when you are not around – something we all want. We all think that giving praise is the key to achieving positive outcomes for our children, but there is a downside that many of us are oblivious to – it can have many negative consequences. Praise is good, but it must be effective praise in order to increase their confidence and abilities, rather than create insecurities and a sense of inadequacy.