on the front of my neck,
her chin tilted up
so she can see me,
her super tall
Redwood
bearing down.
You can’t be weird, Kate?
[I want to flick her forehead, but I don’t.]
You can’t be different at all?
[I want to flick her forehead, but I don’t.]
It messes up your perfect life?
[I want to flick her forehead, but I don’t.]
A stupid
horrible
embarrassing
sob
chokes out of me:
Did you ever even like me at all?
Kate
The gasp is loud.
Did it come from me?
And Tam is standing
right there
practically on top of me,
breathing hard,
face streaming,
her eyebrows an angry V.
I don’t know what to say.
Did Tam just say . . . ?
I shake my head.
My cheeks flame
as burning hot fire
climbs my whole face,
Why did you even come here today?
My voice just as fiery, just as hot.
This is a party for normal girls, you know.
Maybe not the best fit
for your type.
The words shoot out of my mouth,
even as my brain slows down
and I hear
what she said
over and over
again.
TAM
These words shoot from her mouth
and it’s like I float to the ceiling
watching her say them to me
and I wonder
wildly,
how is this even happening?
I watch from above
as tears sting my eyes
and I say as calmly as I can,
I’m sorry I’m not perfect.
But I’m glad I’m not you.
Kate
What’s wrong with being perfect?
I hate how my voice shrieks.
The very definition of perfection means
nothing’s wrong.
And when nothing’s wrong,
everyone’s happy.
So why wouldn’t you want that?
I hate how my tears stream.
There’s nothing wrong
when everything’s right,
and when everything’s right
everyone is happy,
and when everyone is happy
everything is perfect.
See?
I swipe the tears off my face,
angrily.
I’m everything
everyone in this room
wants to be.
The perfect girl.
The perfect me.
TAM
You said everyone
a hundred billion times
but you only said I once.
Seems to me, if you’re talking about
your own happiness
you might have that
backwards.
If everyone else is happy, Ponytail,
where does that leave you?
Kate
My MisDirection poster
stares at us.
Brooding Ben
stares at us.
The squad
stares at us,
and my words,
they aren’t coming out right.
I can’t make Tam see
that if I’m perfect
I don’t have to be afraid.
I can’t find the words
to tell her
the path I’m on
is perfectly straight.
I can’t tell her that
if I’m the girl
she thinks I am,
I’m afraid
I’ll lose everything.
And that’s a lot to burn down.
TAM
I can tell when you’re happy
and right now, Kate, you’re so sad.
But I can’t tell you if you’re gay, okay.
Only you can know that.
Chloe squeaks. Becca gasps.
Kate’s mom has appeared,
jaw jutting out like Kate’s,
hands on her hips,
but not in an adorable way.
For the first time since Kate gave it to me
I take off the bracelet,
put it in her hand.
I don’t want you to be sad.
I want you to be happy, I swear.
Pretend you never met me.
Watch me disappear.
Kate
I disappear, too.
Poof.
Even though the squad tries to act
like everything’s normal.
But Tam is gone.
Gone-gone.
For real.
And it’s like I’m not even here,
not part of the crowd,
not pulsating with the lights and sound.
It’s like I’m in a bubble,
an echoing sphere
and all I hear
is Tam’s voice
I can’t tell you if you’re gay, okay.
I can’t tell you if you’re gay, okay.
I can’t tell you if you’re gay, okay.
And all I can do is push
push
push
my way
out of the crowd
out of the light
out of the noise
into the night
where I gasp the damp air,
suck it down into my lungs
until all my guts,
all my insides
hurl onto the ground.
I cough and spit
and lose everything inside
and then I put a hand on the wall,
steady myself
and I cry and cry and cry
until finally I call Mom,
who drives straight to the show
and brings Jill, who stays with the squad
because I can’t stop throwing up.
Kate
On the couch at home,
bucket by my side,
I know
everyone knows
my secret now,
and it’s turning me inside out.
Katherine.
Mom curls her arms around me.
Katie.
Baby.
She hasn’t called me Katie
since I was a baby.
What did you eat?
She rocks me back and forth
and I lean into her chest.
I remember being little
with the flu
curled up on her for days,
giving her the flu, too.
And how she didn’t care about the germs,
she cared only about me,
and maybe that’s how it’s always been,
even if she
cares in weird ways.
Mom,
I say into her chest.
(I really need her to know this.
I really need her to listen.)
It’s never been seventy-five percent.
I am definitely old enough to know
I’m one hundred percent gay.
Her fingers run through my hair,
her hand cups my face.
She looks at me and says,
It’s going to be okay, Katie.
You’re going to be okay.
No.
I push her away
so I can look harder into her face.
What I’m trying to tell you,
what I’m trying to say is . . .
I close my eyes,
my voice shakes.
I don’t want to hear it WILL be okay.
I want to hear that RIGHT NOW is okay.
Tell me this ME is okay.
Tell me I AM okay.
My liquid guts spin and churn,
cleaning out the old Kate,
and Mom kisses my head,
rubs my back,
finally says,
You know I only want the best
for you.
And I guess right now,
hearing that,
is going to have to do.
TAM
I just . . .
why do I have to be ten feet tall?
why don’t I fit in anywhere?
why can’t I be . . . normal?
why does everything have to be so hard?
I knew you’d be so
wonderful, unique.
And every mom says that, sure,
but I could see it,
your light,
your energy,
burning so hot,
so bright.
No offense, Mom, but
no one else cares if I’m unique.
Unique just means strange.
Unique is not good.
I care.
Frankie cares.
Kate cares.
Well, Kate does not care.
She just wants to be
The Fanciest Normal.
The Normalest Normal.
And that is a prize I’ll never win
I guess.
Oh, honey.
If you think being normal is a win,
then I have done my job wrong.
Kate
Do you think you are?
Gay, I mean?
Lesbionic?
This is what Becca said to me
in my room
after the show
when she came to check on me
after Jill drove everyone home.
Lesbionic isn’t a word.
I said.
I know.
But it sounds cool.
Do you . . .
do you think it sounds like . . .
you?
Yes, I guess?
Probably.
Likely.
Definitely.
My mouth was dry.
My heart beating fast.
Was she going to hate me?
Did, you, like, have a crush on me?
Is that why we were best friends,
and then not best friends anymore?
What? No!
I never had a crush on you.
Only . . .
only Tam.
She is super mad at you.
Um. Duh.
Maybe you should talk to her.
It feels too late for that.
It’s only too late if you want it to be.
Buck up, buttercup.
If you like her, get her back.
Becca is gone now
and I feel really, super calm.
No more throwing up.
No more churning guts.
I can’t believe I said all of that out loud.
To her.
To Mom.
And now
I can’t believe neither of them
seems to hate me
at all.
TAM
Since it appears I have
zero friends now,
I wander to Levi’s house
to see if he hates me, too.
When the door opens,
he seems surprised,
but he invites me in,
and his brother says hi
before he disappears to his room.
Levi looks different now,
more serious than I’ve ever seen.
He’s quieter, too.
Hey.
Hey.
There’s so much to say,
and I can’t speak for Kate, but . . .
That slap . . .
Knocked me back.
Dang.
He smiles, but his eyes
study the ground.
It’s just . . . she works really hard,
on the mascot stuff,
on everything,
and then there you were
and it was so easy for you,
plus, I think, well,
I think she’s jealous of you.
Jealous? Of me?
Why?
Because of the mascot?
Or because you were my friend
first?
I barely even see you now.
We barely even talk anymore.
It’s all Kate Kate Kate Kate.
You’ve pretty much disappeared.
I know.
I’m sorry.
Things have been intense lately.
But you’re still my shortstack, right?
My man about town?
I want to be.
You’re still my nerd, right?
My giant goofball?
He throws a video game
controller at me,
and we sit on the couch and play.
No more words,
only arm punches and laughs,
just like the old days.
Alex
Alyx
Alexx
What do we have here?
Something interesting?
A breakthrough?
Watch closely.
Our Ponytail.
Eyes open.
She finally sees.
Her eyes are wide.
Her heart grows.
What will she do now?
She can fix it.
Where’s her Redwood?
Kate
I admit
I didn’t want to come to school
today
or ever
again.
Not after MDOMG
took OMG
to an
entirely
new
level.
But here I am.
In the hall.
Waiting for . . .
what?
Lightning
to strike me down?
The squad
to revolt?
The whole school
to laugh at me
for not being like everyone else?
Those are definitely most of the things
I’m standing here waiting for,
but something else I know
is that my chest is tight,
my breath is caught,
and my heart is pounding
at the thought
that Tam is here somewhere
and she hates my guts right now.
She has no idea that
since the last time we talked
I’ve turned
inside out.
TAM
I want to see her.
I don’t want to see her.
I want to talk to her.
I don’t want to talk to her.
I feel itchy and terrible
knowing she must hate me now.
I feel exhausted and sad
that I said those things
in front of her whole squad.
But I also feel like
she forgets I’m a real person
with real feelings
and not just some girl
she can be friends with
when it fits into her schedule.
I want to see her.
I don’t want to see her.
I want to talk to her.
I don’t want to talk to her.
I’m twisted in knots.
I hate it so much.
Kate
Lunch.
Now what?
Sit with the squad?
Sit all alone?
What does the real Kate want?
The real Kate wants to go home.
TAM
Lunch.
Now what?
Levi’s with me.
Kate’s with her squad.
Business as usual.
Except . . . no, it’s not.
Kate
The squad talks about the show,
tells me how sad they are
I missed most of it.
They don’t say anything about
the rest of the night,
the birthday to remember.
I try to listen.
I try not to look over
at Tam and Levi’s table.
I try not to wonder what
would happen
if I walked over.
I try to distract myself.
Here, let me see that.
I set down my sandwich,
wiggle my fingers.
Becca protests, but I wiggle
harder.