ROMEO
I see no breath, her cheeks are pale, her lips
Are cold as stone. My love is dead, so taunt
Me not; I am resolv’d to die. But wait.
Who are you that dares violate the tomb
Of Capulet? And what is this blue box
That is not of this place?
AMY
We will explain
That later on.
RORY
Just put that vial down.
You heard the Doctor’s words. Your Juliet
Just counterfeits death’s signs. She slumbers deep
But will soon wake to find you here. And would
You wish she found you dead at her bed-side?
As consequence of feigned death? What would
She do in such a state of discontent?
ROMEO
I dare not think.
AMY
She would do something rash
Like take your dagger and do herself in.
DOCTOR
And would not that be a grave tragedy?
ROMEO
A tragedy forg’d of a grave misdeed,
Within a grave itself is grave indeed.
RORY
You’re making jokes? At such a time as this?
AMY
That is those born of Italy for you!
ROMEO
The thought that Juliet might live dost seem
A hopeless hope pluck’d from a madman’s dream.
DOCTOR
She soon will stir, if you would bring her round.
ROMEO
What must I do? My mind is all a whirl.
AMY
It’s obvious. You have to kiss the girl!
Romeo kisses Juliet.
ROMEO
She lives! She breathes! Her eye-lids part! Her skin
Doth gain a rosy hue. Her hands are warm
Her fingers move. She shakes off death’s black veil!
Juliet rises.
JULIET
My Romeo. ’Tis you! You found me then!
A kiss from thee lends me the breath of life.
It heats my blood. Please do so once again.
Romeo kisses Juliet.
ROMEO
But Juliet I dost not understand
Why you should play at death in this dark tomb
And risk your love to find you in a sleep
Of death? What were you thinking of, forsooth,
To hear that you were dead I poison bought
And was about to take it ere you woke.
JULIET
You did not get the letter that I sent?
ROMEO
What letter? I received none.
JULIET
The one
The Friar sent to Mantua for you?
ROMEO
I saw it not, I did not tarry there.
DOCTOR
It matters not. You’re both here now and fate
Has been re-writ.
JULIET
Then we must flee this place
And start a life far from Verona’s walls.
DOCTOR
Don’t go just yet. You see you must first heal
The rift between the house of Montague
And Capulet.
ROMEO
And how shall that be done?
AMY
Not quite, you see, we have
A cunning plan.
RORY
What if you had both died
Tonight and had in death been discover’d?
DOCTOR
Such tragedy would show hate’s consequence
And teach them both to end their harsh discord
And enmity. And so there will be peace
In Verona at last.
JULIET
But now we live
That reconciliation is undone.
AMY
Not necessarily. Because we have
Another Romeo and Juliet!
Second Romeo and Juliet emerge from blue box.
DOCTOR
If you could step out of the way then they
Will lie where you both would have lain in death.
Romeo and Juliet move as Second Romeo and Juliet lie down, Romeo on the altar, Juliet lying across him.
ROMEO
Who are these that like Proteus doth take
The mirror’d semblance of my love and me,
That walk and dost not speak and counterfeit
The presentation of our dead likeness?
JULIET
They cannot be of human flesh and blood,
Our witch-craft summon’d twins! They dost not breathe!
RORY
Fear not, the Romeo is but a clone
Within Sontaran vat recently grown.
AMY
And Juliet is not some fearful spectre
She is in fact a borrow’d Teselecta.
ROMEO
I do not understand, thy words are strange.
But soft! I hear some noise. The watch approach!
Alarums.
DOCTOR
Anon, we must inside our craft withdraw!
JULIET
What craft?
RORY
The TARDIS, it’s the box of blue.
ROMEO
But there will not be room enough for us!
AMY
Oh you have no idea, young lover boy.
Don’t stand around, that means your girlfriend too.
JULIET
I’m not his girlfriend, I’m his wife, thank you.
AMY
How old are you? Oh, never mind. Get in!
DOCTOR
For goodness’ sake, could you stop arguing!
Doctor, Amy, Rory, Romeo and Juliet enter blue box. Alarum. Watchmen enter and discover the bodies of the Second Romeo and Juliet.
CHIEF WATCHMAN
Pitiful sight! He lies Romeo slain,
And Juliet bleeding, warm and newly dead.
Who here hath lain this two days buried.
Enter another Watchman with Friar Laurence as their prisoner.
WATCHMAN
Here is a friar that trembles, sighs and weeps.
We took this mattock and this spade from him
As he was coming from the churchyard’s side.
CHIEF WATCHMAN
A great suspicion! Stay the friar.
Enter Capulet, his wife and Juliet’s Nurse. They see the bodies.
CAPULET
O heavens! O wife, look how our daughter bleeds!
This dagger hath mista’en, for lo, his house
Is empty on the back of Montague,
And is mis-sheathed in my daughter’s bosom.
NURSE
O me, this sight of death is a bell
That warns my old age to a sepulchre.
Enter Montague and his wife. They see the bodies.
O Romeo! What a sight is this,
To press before thy father to a grave?
CAPULET
O brother Montague, give me thy hand.
This is my daughter’s jointure, for no more
Can I demand.
MONTAGUE
But can I give thee more,
For I will raise her statue in pure gold,
That whiles Verona by that name is known,
There shall no figure at such rate be set
As that of true and faithful Juliet.
CAPULET
As rich shall Romeo’s by his lady’s lie,
Poor sacrifices of our enmity.
Montague and Capulet shake hands and hug, their rift healed.
CHIEF WATCHMAN
Bring forth the party of suspicion
And say at once what thou dost know in this.
Watchmen bring forward Friar Laurence.
FRIAR LAURENCE
I will be brief, for my short date of breath
Is not so long as is a
tedious tale.
Romeo, there dead, was husband to that Juliet,
And she, there –
Doctor emerges from blue box.
DOCTOR
Hold your horses monky-boy!
Don’t ring the undertaker, not just yet!
’Cos that’s not Romeo and Juliet!
CAPULET
Who are you that dares skulk inside our tomb?
MONTAGUE
He must have slain our offspring! Seize him, guards!
DOCTOR
No one’s been slain as thou will shortly see.
OK, it’s time for you to come out now!
Romeo and Juliet emerge from the blue box, followed by Amy and Rory.
FRIAR LAURENCE
Another Romeo and Juliet!
ROMEO
We are the true, those corpses are not us.
JULIET
They are but effigies in our likeness.
Capulet embraces Juliet.
CAPULET
If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.
Montague embraces Romeo.
MONTAGUE
If there be truth in sight, you’re Romeo.
ROMEO
I’ll have no father if not he you be.
MONTAGUE
So you are wed! In thy example see
Our houses restor’d love and amity.
Romeo and Juliet join hands.
ROMEO
But there is still a blemish on our joy
The demise of Tybalt and Sir Paris
Both by my sword, much to my own remorse
I must from Verona be banished
I only ask that for my crimes my wife
Should not be punished.
DOCTOR
I’ll stop you there!
Because I have a small surprise in store.
Paris emerges from the blue box with Rosaline.
PARIS
I am unmurdered as you can see,
So Romeo for that is not guilty.
ROMEO
But how? Methinks I did mistake you not
And ran you through with deathful wound just now.
PARIS
It was not I you fought and blood beget.
DOCTOR
That was in fact a Nestene duplicate.
PARIS
No longer wish I Juliet was mine,
Now that I have found love with Rosaline.
Paris and Rosaline join hands.
ROMEO
But for the death of Tybalt I repine.
DOCTOR
I think you’ll find that he is also fine.
Tybalt emerges from the blue box.
FRIAR LAURENCE
And it seems meet that on this blessed night
I also should my nuptial troth-plight
My hope is that my suit is not adverse
When offered to my secret love, the Nurse.
NURSE
I did not have suspicion of your lust,
But will I take your hand in mine? I dost.
Friar Laurence and the Nurse join hands.
AMY
But Doctor, how can Tybalt now live on?
DOCTOR
’Tis not Tybalt, Amy, but a Zygon.
I saved it from a burning as a witch
Now it returns the favour owed.
RORY
Neat switch.
DOCTOR
And so the couples are all set to wed
In fortune where mischance had once misled.
Our work is done, ’tis time for us to leave
Because no one our story will believe.
’Tis said no tale could hope to overset
The love of Romeo for Juliet,
But never was there a more joyful story
Than that of Amy Pond and her dear Rory.
Rory and Amy join hands. Exeunt.
* * *
Oh that this too too solid TARDIS would melt, thaw, and dissolve itself – adieu.
* * *
THE TEMPEST – A WORK IN PROGRESS
This extract appears to comprise Shakespeare’s working notes for The Tempest. However, the notes appear to be by two different writers – the different handwriting distinguished here by the use of italic text for the author generally acknowledged not to be Shakespeare.
For obvious reasons, this extract more than any other has been cited by sceptics as anachronistic proof that the Notebooks are not genuine.
Shipwreck story – cash-in on Strachey’s “Sea Venture” – check Middleton not already doing something.
The Shipwreck All At Sea The Storm The Strong Wind The Very Strong Wind The Gust The Extremely Strong Wind The Squall The Tempest (good!) The Very Strong Tempest
Also – Blackfriars have nets / lobster pots / sand dune backdrop from “Pericles” and “Winter’s Tale”. Note to self: Make sure they don’t use real fish this time. Gets very smelly very quickly. Also waste of fish.
Love story – boy/girl – feuding fathers (been done?) – Kings or Dukes of somewhere in Italy (not Verona, not Venice, maybe Milan? Naples?)
Clown business – funny sailor? Shoemaker? (Why would a shoemaker be at sea?) Soldier? Funny butler? Working for Duke? Tailor? Cook? Potential double-act. Two funny butlers? Priest? Duke’s Jester?
Political intrigue – feuding fathers are both Dukes of Milan – one has deposed the other (good!!!) deposed Duke exiled to island, usurper shipwrecked there, ends with deposed Duke slaughtering usurper! Revenge tragedy. No. Brief is for romantic comedy with masque section. Deposed Duke good guy, forgives usurper, boy and girl get married, everyone goes home. (But why did usurper exile deposed Duke and not kill him when he had the chance? Potential plot hole, need to think up good reason!)
Twist - put shipwreck at the beginning! Set whole thing on island. Show Johnson I can do Aristotelian unities. Action takes place in real-time! (Call it “Two Hours”? No)
Dukes could be brothers! Family angle. Also: explains why not keen to kill each other. Usurper Duke helped by King of Naples. (Check to make sure Naples is near Milan! No more geography cock-ups!)
Note to self: try to work in chess scene. Chess popular craze, always get sponsorship. Dukes play chess? Chess-themed song and dance? Musical about chess? Boy and girl play chess?
On island, usurper Duke tries to kill King of Naples, deposed Duke stops him – clever – nice irony.
Dukes’ wives – dead or at home in Naples. What about crew of shipwrecked ship? Bit grim if all drowned. Think comedy, keep it light! Just lost on island? Only Duke and King swept overboard?
Ship undamaged so they can all go home at the end? Bit implausible. Also: big coincidence that usurper Duke on same island as deposed Duke. (But got away with it in “Comedy” and “Twelfth”!)
Deposed Duke used to be wealthy. Needs Rich-sounding name. Wealthio? Magnifico? Prosperous. Prospero.
Usurper Duke – Usurpio? Mutinio Antonio (placeholder only, have used that name four times before!)
Needs to show off Blackfriars theatre new special effects. Off-stage sound-effects and music, trap-doors, surprise water cannon.
Comedy double-act get drunk (on wine from shipwreck) – funny dressing-up scene – enormous trousers always hilarious.
Missing something. Pirates? Primitives worshipping giant squid (impractical – could do monkey)? Cannibals? Cannibals worshiping monkey? Worshipping bear? (Note to self: use man in bear suit. Do not use real bear after last time.) Polar bear? Sinister black smoke? Mysterious hatch.
Feels like I’m repeating myself. Maybe I’m getting too old for this game, running out of ideas, a bit played-out. Get young Johnny Fletcher in to co-write? Not George Wilkins again.
Or just quit while I’m ahead, retire to the country? Definitely needs another element, not enough material for five acts. All a bit ordinary, going-through-the-motions.
You’re right, it needs the wow factor.
What’s this? I didn’t write this.
No, I did.
And who are you, to tamper with my notes while I am asleep?
The Doctor. Sorry can’t be with you in person, just missed you by a few months, and I can’t hang around. Small dinosaur situation. Well, it was small to begin with. They grow. So I popped in to see Jack the paper merchant – lovely fella, Jack – and I’m writing on the sheet of paper you’ll buy in two months’ time. I’ve got him to put it aside for you specially. Or I will, Will.
But your words weren’t there yesterday. And how do you know what I will write on the paper, for you to reply to it?
Because I also have a copy of this manuscript from the future. Picked it up while I was doing some proofreading on the first Folio. Your spelling, I don’t want to criticise, but get a dictionary! And once I’m done I’ll probably post it anonymously to the British Library or something. Give the experts something to argue about.
What first folio? You cannot mean somebody intends to publish my works without my permission?
Don’t worry about it. Point is, I have a copy of this piece of paper from the future, so as I write on this one, the words appear on the one from the future. Bit timey-wimey, best you don’t think about it too much.
What if I were to destroy this paper now, tear it into pieces and burn it in the fireplace?
Don’t. Please, don’t. Fabric of time is in a bad enough state as it is. And besides, you can’t throw it away, you have the workings of a great play here. Given a bit of help.
And that is why you have chosen to intercede in the creative process?
Yep. Go to Jack’s, I’ve left a parcel with him. Should all be fairly self-explanatory.
I have done so. It contains a silver disc and a folding black volume. It does not explain itself.
It’s a battery-powered Blu-ray player, all charged up. You just press the button, put the disc in and it’ll play. Hope you enjoy the movie.
“Movie”? And you take issue with my spelling? But I have watched this strange moving presentation, “Forbidden Planet”. It is a little far-fetched and some of the concepts are unfamiliar, but the central premise is intriguing. Indeed, it bears some similarities to what I intended to do with this play.
That’s the point. It is. It’s inspired by the play you’re about to write. So feel free to raid it for ideas because, in a way, they’re your ideas, so it’s not stealing.
You say I should take inspiration from a “movie” based upon my work? So that the makers of the “movie” can then draw inspiration from my play? Without paying me?
Yeah, but by then you’re out of copyright, so there’s nothing you can do about it. Thing is, you have to write “The Tempest”, or they won’t be able to make the film, and, well, fabric of time and all that. And anyway, you want to go out with a bang, don’t you? Good luck. Gotta go now. Donna’s getting impatient and we have that whole dinosaur thing to deal with.