The STAGEHANDS remove the lamppost and return the scenery for the HUTTER's bedroom (minus one window). When STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2 push the bed Onstage, ELLEN and ORLOK are lying on it, exchanging pillow talk.
ORLOK
(Breaking character) Do you know of the Black Death?
ELLEN
Yeah, I know about it. You were there?
ORLOK
I started it.
ELLEN
Really?
ORLOK
It was meant as a small joke, but it kept getting funnier and funnier.
ELLEN
Wow. Did you start any other plagues?
ORLOK
Well...The Great Plague four hundred years ago, but it wasn't as popular.
STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2 move the bed in place.
STAGEHAND 2
Woo! That was heavy.
ORLOK
What do you mean by that?
STAGEHAND 2
What?
ORLOK
Do you mean to insult my Ellen's weight?
ELLEN
My name's actually Zoe.
ORLOK
It is? What a pretty name.
STAGEHAND 1
He didn't mean to insult your lady friend, Mr. Count.
ORLOK
(to STAGEHAND 2) Then you meant to insult me, is that it?
STAGEHAND 2
No. Wait, what?
ORLOK
You shall die for your dishonor of me! I have impaled men upon ten-foot poles for less, letting them live for days as I drank their blood as wine before their very eyes! You shall have a fate a hundred fold worse than them, I swear it!
STAGEHAND 1
Hey buddy, back off!
ORLOK
You wish to die with your friend? So be it!
ORLOK turns away from the audience, then bares HIS fangs to STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2.
ORLOK
Fear me, for I am your ferryman to death!
ORLOK runs to STAGEHAND 1 for the kill, but STAGEHAND 1 punches HIM in the jaw, making ORLOK's fangs fall out of HIS mouth.
ORLOK
(covering mouth) My fangs!
ORLOK picks them up from the ground. JAMIE enters.
JAMIE
What the hell is going on here?! (to STAGEHAND 1) You, did you hit him?
STAGEHAND 1
Yeah.
STAGEHAND 2
He was gonna bite us!
JAMIE
Orlok, are you okay?
ORLOK
I'm ruined! No one fears a toothless, old man! They laugh and throw stones at him! No one will fear me now. I'm nothing!
ORLOK weeps.
ELLEN
Come on, Count Orlok. It's not that bad. So you wear prosthetics. So what? Lots of people do. It doesn't make you any less of a monster.
ORLOK
Only the elderly wear fake body parts!
ELLEN
No, no. Not only them.
ORLOK
I'm hideous. I'm a fangless, wrinkly, weak old vampire. Who will care about me now?
ELLEN
I...I'm wearing a wig right now.
Beat.
ORLOK
What? You are?
ELLEN
Yeah. The part called for a girl with long hair, and what was I going to do? Not take the part? See?
ELLEN holds up a lock of hair for ORLOK to see.
ELLEN
I'd take it off, but it's pinned and it took me hours to get it on straight and hide my pink highlights.
ORLOK
It's true. You wear a wig.
JAMIE
I have a glass eye.
ORLOK
What?
JAMIE
Yeah. Lost it at a shoe sale. High heels.
STAGEHAND 2
My father's got a peg leg. A 'gator ate it.
STAGEHAND 1
I got a fake nose.
STAGEHAND 2
Wow! It looks so life-like. Can I touch it?
STAGEHAND 1
No.
ORLOK stops weeping.
ORLOK
Thank you. I feel much better now.
JAMIE
Good for you. (to ALL) CONTINUE SCENE!
JAMIE exits. STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2 follow.
STAGEHAND 2
Come on, let me touch it.
STAGEHAND 1
No.
STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2 exit.
ORLOK
Thank you.
ELLEN
Don't mention it.
ORLOK
(to audience) And so, we finish the story.
ORLOK and ELLEN get back on the bed. ORLOK and ELLEN act asleep.
SFX: STAGEHANDS give out roster crows. One gives out a crow caw. Someone is slapped.
STAGEHAND 1 (OS)
What's wrong with you?
ORLOK rises.
ORLOK
The crow of the cock! I must escape the sun!
ORLOK runs for the door.
ELLEN
Come...back.
ORLOK
You wish me to drink you dry? Have you not tasted death enough for one night? Must you embrace it fully?
ELLEN
Yes...Yes, I do. Drink...more.
ORLOK
(to audience) You see! None can resist my dark charms. She must have more of me, even though she knows it means her end. Look at me. Do I have ivory skin? Does my hair move with the wind? Do my eyes glow with quiet allure? Do I look like a twenty-five year old pretending to be a high school student and wooing women who are also too old to be high school students? Do I even smell good?
KNOCK (OS)
No, master! Definitely not!
OLROK
(to audience) No, but I get the girl anyway. I am Count Orlok, the original vampire, the greatest! (to ELLEN) My dear Zoe--
JAMIE (OS)
Ellen!
ORLOK
Ellen, tonight, I am your dark angel of endless bliss.
ORLOK bites ELLEN again. A spotlight shines down upon ORLOK.
ORLOK
AAAAAAGH! THE SUN! My one and only weakness, and it is here! (to ELLEN) You! You've undone me! Millennia crumble as my veins boil in the wretched light of day! The eternal master of darkness is finally lowered to the level of mortality! No! Souls of my victims, come save me! I am your master! I am your master!
ORLOK as the actor crawls to the ground, eventually hiding behind the bed.
ORLOK
I am your master! I am your master! I...am...your...mas...ter! I'm dead.
ORLOK lands on the ground, then quickly crawls offstage, attempting to not be seen by the audience.
Beat.
ELLEN weakly sits up.
ELLEN
Thomas. Thomas. Thomas!
THOMAS runs in and holds ELLEN in HIS arms. BULWAR enters.
THOMAS
Ellen, my lovely, loyal wife! Don't leave me!
ELLEN
Thomas, I give you my life, because I love you.
THOMAS
And I love you too, my beautiful, beautiful wife.
THOMAS cries. ELLEN dies, falling lifelessly on the bed. BULWAR walks around the bed.
BULWAR
Ashes? Black ashes? Black ashes! These are the ashes of an unholy beast! Count Orlok is dead! What? How? Why? It was Ellen!
THOMAS
Oh, Ellen.
BULWAR
Yes, I understand now. The demon couldn't resist her purity, and so she gave her life in order that this evil creature would forget the rising of the sun. Brilliant! Ellen, you have saved us all! Ellen? (Beat) She is dead.
THOMAS stands.
THOMAS
I know.
BULWAR
She was a fine woman. A shining example of the powers of true love. No man could ever ask for a better example of the perfect wife. She
will not be forgotten.
THOMAS
No. She will not.
THOMAS and BULWAR are immobile. The stage darkens except for a spotlight on ELLEN. SHE stands up, walks over to THOMAS, and kisses HIM on the forehead.
Organ music vamps under ELLEN.
ELLEN
Don't cry for me, Thomas. We loved each other, but now I'm dead. We have to go our separate ways. Don't be angry. It was my choice. Enjoy your life, grow old, and in time we'll be together again.
THE SONG OF LIFE
WHEN YOU FEEL SICK AND DEPRESSED,
AND NOTHING RETURNS YOUR ZEST
OPEN YOUR EYES AND REALIZE
EVERYTHING'S STILL ALIVE
YOUR EYES ARE NOW TURNING WHITE
EVERYTHING'S FADING FROM SIGHT
FRIENDS WILL NOT HEAR YOUR PLEADS
LOVED ONES AVOID YOU WITH EASE
BUT...
LISTEN TO YOUNG KIDS LAUGHING
HEAR THE BLUEBIRDS SINGING
HEED THE BUZZING OF THE SPRING
HARKEN THE CHURCH BELLS' RING
YOUR EARS CAN NO LONGER HEAR
THE MUSIC'S DISAPPEARED
EVERYONE'S VOICE HAS GONE MUTE,
AND SPEECH IS A FRUITLESS PURSUIT
BUT...
ORLOK returns to the stage unnoticed the actress ELLEN.
ELLEN
EATING MAKES HEAVEN FROM TASTE
STARVING TO DEATH IS SUCH WASTE
ENJOY ALL THE FOOD YOU CAN,
AND SUSTAIN A LONG LIFESPAN
ORLOK
YOUR TEETH WILL NOT STAY IN PLACE
ELLEN is happily spooked by ORLOK's presence.
ORLOK
THEY FALL OUT AND ROLL DOWN YOUR FACE
YOUR TONGUE NO LONGER TELLS TASTE,
AND YOU EAT EVERYTHING AS PASTE
ELLEN
(Breaking character) Orlok! You scared me.
ORLOK
You like it when I scare you, don't you?
ELLEN
You know me so well.
The normal house lights return. Organ music vamps under ORLOK.
ORLOK
(to Audience) Ha, ha, ha! You thought I died? Impossible! "But how," you say, "did you survive the sun?" And this I tell you, as soon as the sun set later that day, my ashes came together and my body was whole again. Nothing can kill me! I am immortal!
ELLEN
What if they buried your ashes on consecrated ground? Oh, never mind. You probably would have survived that to, you invulnerable creature of supreme evil, you.
ORLOK
Uhhhh...yessss. I would have definitely survived that. (to audience) Because I'm immortal! Ha, ha, ha! (to ELLEN) And now, Ellen... Zoe, lets finish our duet!
ELLEN and ORLOK
BUT...
ALL cast members and STAGEHANDS enter (even if there was double casting and excluding characters who were killed by ORLOK for real).
ELLEN and ORLOK
THAT IS WHEN YOU MUST DIE
THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO CRY
WE LIVE BY GOD'S ULTIMATE PLAN
ACCEPTING OUR FINITE LIFESPAN
ALL
WHEN YOU FEEL SICK AND DEPRESSED,
AND NOTHING RETURNS YOUR ZEST
OPEN YOUR EYES AND REALIZE
EVERYTHING'S STILL ALIVE
Organ music continues. ALL bow to the audience.
ORLOK
Thank you! Thank you! (to ELLEN) They love me! They love me!
ELLEN
And I love you!
ORLOK
What?! (to offstage) Cut the music now! NOW!
Organ music ends abruptly.
ORLOK
You...love me? How? I am old and pale and...very, very bald. How can a pretty, young woman like you ever love me?
ELLEN
I always have. Ever since I was a girl, I read every book I could find about you. I've been dreaming about you forever, and now you're actually here. Every crush I had, every boyfriend, every one-night stand, and there were a lot, I was always thinking of you. I don't know if I'm crazy or something, but I'm very attracted to old--
ORLOK
Old?
ELLEN
Pale--
ORLOK
Pale?
ELLEN
And very, very, very bald...vampyres.
ORLOK
Oh, you said it with the accent!
ELLEN
Take me with you, Count Orlok. Make me like you. I'll go wherever you go, forever.
ORLOK looks around for approval. STAGEHAND 1 and STAGEHAND 2 nod in approval and give a thumbs up.
ORLOK
Well...I am a creature of the night, but I have my traditions. We'll have to get married first.
Really?! That's wonderful! My father can marry us.
ORLOK
Your father? Is he...a man of the cloth?
ELLEN
He's a rabbi.
Half beat.
ORLOK
(to ALL) We're getting married!
ALL cheer and congratulate the actress ELLEN and ORLOK. The organ music returns.
KNOCK
(aside) I always knew those two would get together.
THOMAS
No you didn't, you big faker. You said Orlok was going to kill Zoe after the show finished tour--
KNOCK
Shut up, Howard!
KNOCK knocks THOMAS to the ground.
JAMIE
The farewell verse! Everybody do the farewell verse!
ORLOK
Yes, master!
JAMIE gives a "watch it" look to the smilling ORLOK, and the organ music begins the verse.
ALL
WHEN YOU FEEL SICK AND DEPRESSED,
AND NOTHING RETURNS YOUR ZEST
OPEN YOUR EYES AND REALIZE
EVERYTHING'S STILL ALIVE
ALL cheer, and then ALL bow to the audience. ALL leave except ORLOK, who waits till the OTHERS have left the stage.
ORLOK
(to ELLEN) I'll be there soon.
ELLEN
You better.
ELLEN exits, with ORLOK waving at HER. HE then drops the cute act and becomes evil once more.
ORLOK
And so, my story ends. I hope you enjoyed it, yes? It is entirely true, every bit of it. Well, the original Thomas was more manlier...and Professor Bulwar was stupider...and the first Knock didn't smell like sewage...as much. Oh well, not everything can be as it was. Except for me. I am as evil, invulnerable, powerful, devious, and as clever as I have always been! No creature, man or not, has ever bested me. You cannot tame the ghosts of the night storm, break the will of a Carpathian werewolf, desecrate the sarcophagus of the ancient Egyptian warlocks,...and most of all, you cannot overcome my depravity.
ELLEN enters, already wearing pieces of a wedding gown.
ELLEN
(breaking character) Orlok, hurry it up! We wait any longer, and we'll both turn into mummies.
ORLOK
That is impossible. I do not age.
ELLEN
Really? You don't age at all? I've got to start reading different novels. The ones I have so far have been totally off. Like, there's this one that says your kind's suppose to have green skin, and there's another that says you can be red or blue with little crystals that--
ORLOK
I'll be there in a minute!!!
Beat.
ELLEN cries. ORLOK holds HER in his arms.
ORLOK
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please don't cry. I promise we'll wed tonight.
ELLEN
Promise?
ORLOK
Let me say goodbye, and we leave. Good?
ELLEN
Okay. My little bed bug.
ORLOK playfully jumps at HER.
ORLOK
I'll get you!
ELLEN
No, you won
't!
ORLOK
Yes, I will!
ORLOK chases ELLEN. ELLEN exits, but ORLOK realizes the audience is still watching.
ORLOK
It's...a trick. I'm luring her into an evil marriage. An evil one.
Beat.
ORLOK
I swear it.
ELLEN (OS)
Honey?
ORLOK
Coming! (to audience) She has no idea what tortures I have in store for--
ELLEN (OS)
We gotta go!
ORLOK
Oh, hell. You get the point. (to ELLEN) Your little bed bug is ready!
ORLOK exits.
END ACT II, SCENE V
The STAGEHAND designated to replace and speak the title cards places the last card on the easel.
THE END
The STAGEHAND then turns the card around.
...or is it?
ORLOK laughs offstage. The STAGEHAND is spooked and runs away.