Honor Myself
my past
my future
well-being prays silence
self-esteem breathes mindfulness
heals sorrow filled spirit
Father’s Day honors me
I was never equal to men
shall I honor you for this myth
disrespecting women
women I disrespect
fathers not exempt
titles demand respect
mixed entitlement bag
Father’s Day greetings
Honor Myself
Birthday Surprise!
Happy Birthday!
Birth Days not always Happy
real, make believe, mystery?
dates edited
fabricated
infant supply chain
birth switch
Seoul orphanage
Kimpo plane
Yonsei hospital
agency files
celebrate wrong birthdays
wrong month
wrong year
Agency, hospital workers
altered infant lives
let’s delete your birthdays!
Emerald birthstone wrong
April diamond exchange?
Taurus sign fake
Rooster year wrong
lunar calendar rotation
doorstep abandonment
Adoptee Happy Birthday needs permission
social media removed birthday
No birth certificate
No family registry
instead
Unhappy Birthday
Mystery Birthday
Unknown Birthday
Sad Birthday
Mournful Birthday
Confusing Birthday
Annoying Birthday
Frustrating Birthday
Wrong Birthday
Lied to Me About My Birthday!
Our only birthday wish
to know
which day
to celebrate…
My Last Birthday
On my last birthday
I took the 6:30 a.m. Catalina Express
Long Beach to Avalon
wind fluttered
pinned birthday ribbon
indulged free birthday coffee,
free birthday ice cream,
free birthday dinner!
Strangers offered rides
first journal entry in forever
awaited friend’s arrival
late Orange County ferry
paddled with stingrays, sea lions
abandoned life jacket fished Pacific waves
tourist T-shirts, magnets, postcards
hiked Wrigley Memorial
last sunset ferry
no boyfriend birthday wishes
grieved expected behavior
thoughts of countless lives
lost on a ferry
an ocean away
many still missing
Sewol casket filled with grief
On my last birthday
I smoked a Cuban cigar in Old Havana
washed down with Cuban rum
lived my fantasy
riding shotgun in a convertible
big sunglasses
hair tied down
pink silk scarf ala Jackie O.
bartered our driver to twelve dollars
we cruised along the Melacon
backseat photo shoot
in a pink
Hello Kitty taxi!
seaside dinner our destination
our last night in Havana
capped off by Manny Pacquiao’s loss
On my last birthday
I woke before dawn
boarded the first Oakland to LAX flight
I sat naked
in a Koreatown spa
surrounded by women
all sizes, colors
wrinkles hide millennials of secrets
what secrets live in my mother’s skin?
ajumma in black lace underwear
sandpaper scrubbed my body
I sat alone on the rooftop
eating mandu rice cake soup
On my last birthday
I hope to know when my birthday is
I hope I’ve left a legacy
longer than a marathon
up to the heavens
On my last birthday
this is my wish.
III.
See Out of These Slits
Harry Holt’s Little Shop of Horrors
*In memory of the Sueppel children: Ethan (10), Seth (7),
Mira (5), Eleanor (3)
Dried blood cradles four
bruises caress tiny arms, feet
toddler fists scream fear
heads hit blunt force
child torsos tear apart futures
death consumes Iowa home
Harry Holt’s Little Shop of Horrors
sold four babies to white-collar murder
suicide note smells concrete crash
Murdered headlines
rippled global shockwaves
Korean mothers’ eternal empty arms
Harry’s non-apology nauseates
Better Life failed
white savior father murder hands
your lives testify corruption
your deaths forever stain adoption
Harry sleeps in peace
six feet under
your white savior
couldn’t save you
Fuck You, White Barbie
White Barbie did not help my self-esteem
she deceived me into thinking I had status
I needed
Korean Barbie
my other Korean dolls
to tell me the truth
that I am beautiful
I wish my dolls had looked like me
not blonde, white
Barbie was banned from my home
until a school friend brought her to my birthday party
excited to finally own this coveted toy
I now feared repercussions
for having Barbie
worse yet, have her taken away
she meant status
Years later
white Barbie moved on
to her white sorority sisters
too good for me
my white sister-in-law gave me
Korean Barbie
complete with doll stand
collector’s box
traditional Korean clothing
My Korean dolls
destined for the shelf
not allowed to play with them
dusted them each week
began to resent them
they created work
prevented me from playing
with white Barbie
Korean Barbie would have been my friend
her destiny the shelf
in her collector’s box
with her stand
clearly meant only for display
Dolls of color silenced once again
The status I thought white Barbie gave me
was a setup, false hope
smoke screen
that I could be like the cool white kids
I’d never have their status, privilege
her plan from the start
white Barbie betrayed me
when she moved into my toy box
&
nbsp; Korean Barbie oppressed
confined by white Barbie’s empire
not allowed to speak the truth.
If she did
Korean Barbie sales
would exceed white Barbie sales
how does white Barbie have so much fucking power?
Eyes Wide Open
You may want to take another photo
Someone’s eyes were closed
Your camera made a racial slur
Please delete!
Almond shaped eyes are eyes wide open
digest racism
you think our eyes closed
we see everything
Cameras made for white people
with racist lens
use white filter
to see beauty, perfection
White grandmother asks
how I can see out of these slits
I see just fine
I have 20/20 vision
passed every eye exam
for over four decades
Last summer
my eyes tired
my Vietnamese optometrist
asked me to open my eyes wider
I knew he wasn’t racist
like the camera
like my white grandmother
If you tell me to open my eyes
you need to do the same
you need to see true beauty
Racist Hair
My hair is racist
ain’t no white person
cutting my hair
not after I waited over three decades
for a haircut that made sense
years of bad home perms
white people think Asian hair
the same as white hair
The best haircut ever
awaited me across the Pacific
down a cobblestone Seoul alley
near the women’s university
ten dollars, a stylist, two assistants
topped off with a coupon
for my next visit
a salon where children get their hair colored
cuz it’s what you do in Korea!
Once I crossed the line
from white to yellow
I never let another white person
touch my hair
didn’t care if the white intern
felt bad when I told her Hands off.
I’ve done my time with bad haircuts
why pay someone
if I know they’re going to mess it up?
Again?
Spa Stories
I.
Exfoliation grates my skin
grime like dirty rice
peppers pink plastic
hugs the massage bed
ajumma in black lace bra, panty set
tells me in Korean
to lie face down
I didn’t learn that phrase
she files my skin like sandpaper
I lost a pound of dirt
scrubs my naked body
she guesses my age
each wrinkle and fold
reveals time
I sit in every tub
hot, warm, cold
every steam room
every sauna
oak, salt, clay, jade, ice
II.
My first Korean jimjilbang visit
included nudity
not mine
a random ajussi
post-World Cup match
lights turned low
he took his place on the mat
naked
stared in shock amongst shadows
nervous giggles crowded the room
IV.
My Body is Testimony
100 Day American
In memory of Madoc Hyunsu O’Callahan, Rest In Power,
February 3, 2014
American three months
death at your white father’s hands
high-ranking NSA agent
your white savior abuser pleads guilty
twenty-year sentence
eight years subtracted
dishonors your brief life
your missed lifetime
your murderer serves a brief refrain
your body bruised, beaten
hurled against walls
fractured your toddler skull
bleeding brain
hemorrhaging eyes
bath time turned tragic
another Harry Holt casualty
your white savior’s body
protected by prison guards
protected by PTSD
protected by mental illness
protected by psychotropic meds
false drug tests
We guard your grave
your body buried
beneath cheap plastic tombstone
your death not in vain
you’ll not be forgotten
our baby brother
we’ll see you soon
Dear adopters,
you don’t need to be white
to be a white savior
you are not entitled
to my free labor
to teach you
adopter best practices
recipe to raise your imported child
$30,000 for your ornamental baby
left you cold broke
you plead for my handout advice
why didn’t you budget for adopter training?
don’t occupy my emotional space
hanboks and kimchi
do not qualify you Korean American
did you really think on the job training
enough
with babies for sale?
Assimilation
Asians imitated caucAsians
Selected from photographs were we
Scandinavians dominated their adopted Asians
Isolation in my own family
Minnesota—Land of ten thousand adopted Koreans
I am not part norwegian
Lee Eun Jin is who I am
After being raised a Republican I have recovered
Three times on Sundays we went to church
Individualization was taboo
Oslo is the birthplace of my grandfather
Naturalization transformed both him and me
Seventh Grade White Men
Konichiwa! Konichiwa! Am I in Japan? No. I am in a seventh grade American classroom in Coon Rapids, Minnesota.
On what should be an ordinary day of substitute teaching in White Suburbia, USA, I am repeatedly greeted in Japanese by seventh grade whiteys. Seems they recently had a guest teacher who was, yes, Japanese. Guess they forgot the part about “appropriate use of non-English greetings.” As I begin my interrogation of these ignorant white boys, it turns out they don’t even know what Konichiwa means. I phone the cultural liaison and report their ignorant behavior.
Anyeonghaseoyo! No. I’m not in Korea when the white man greets me in perfectly pronounced Korean.
I’m still in Minnesota, in the city, not the suburbs. He claims he said this because I am carrying a bag that reads Korea compliments of the Korea Tourism Organization. I confront him about his ignorance and he tells me he does business with Koreans, his wife is Korean. Little does he know this is not helping his case. When I tell him I’m offended he starts to tell me he is offended, too. I walk away and tell him it’s best he keep his mouth shut.
Sin chow! Nyobzoo! Still in Minnesota I want to ignore the white stranger who thinks it’s his right to practice his Asian language skills on me, but instead I confront and educat
e the fool. His disclaimer? There are so many children in the community who really appreciate it when he speaks to them in their first language and he has made such an effort to really understand their experience by studying their languages. Check—I’m not a child. Check—I don’t speak any Asian languages.
Hanguk saram? Los Angeles white men are no different. I sit in his LinkedIn workshop and turn to the black woman next to me to confirm what I just heard. She says she thinks he’s trying to show off. When I confront him, he admits he wanted to practice his Korean. And you guessed it, he has a long-time Korean friend. I give him a low score on the workshop evaluation.
Seventh grade white men, if you can’t translate my face, use the language of your ancestors not mine!
Stupid Things People Say to Adopted Koreans
Have you met your real parents?
Why don’t you speak Korean?
I taught English in Korea and met a Korean adoptee.
I adopted my daughter/son from Korea!
My dad served in the Korean War.
Are you from the North or the South?
Why don’t you like kimchi?
You don’t look Korean.
You should really watch The Joy Luck Club.
I know a Korean adoptee who met their birth mom through one of those reunion shows on Korean TV. Have you tried that?
Have you dated your brother? You’re not biologically related so…
You’re lucky you were adopted. At least you didn’t have to grow up in an orphanage.
Why haven’t you searched for your birth family?
Why haven’t you gone back to Korea?
You know, I’m second generation Korean American and we have so much in common.
My partner and I are planning to adopt. Any advice?
Are you 100 percent Korean?
You should be thankful you got to go to America.
How long have you been studying English?
Are you an exchange student?
If you hadn’t been adopted, I never would have met you!
Maybe it’s not God’s will for you to meet your Korean family.
Are You My Mother?
You demand my subway seat
because you are the elder
I stand to face you
notice familiar features
why do you look away?
do you recognize our resemblance?
can’t face your guilt?
You heckle me in Namdaemun market
your kimchi the best