to back up what happened here. It will add to her crimes."
Obi-Wan surveyed the hastily departed office. "I know one thing,
Padawan. We have just discovered our next mission. We have to find Jenna
Zan Arbor."
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The Jedi stood on the landing platform in the capital city of Sarus-
Dor. The Typha-Dors had loaned a gleaming Gen-6 starship to Obi-Wan and
Anakin, who were heading out on the trail of Zan Arbor. Garen and Clee
Rhara had readied their transports to resume their interrupted mission.
Anakin leaned against the wall with Tru. He felt weariness deep in his
bones, but he was anxious to get moving, eager to leave this mission behind
as a memory.
If only he weren't heading to find Jenna Zan Arbor. Anakin wasn't
afraid of the scientist, but he wasn't eager to tangle again with someone
who could put him in the Zone of Self-Containment.
"It's got to be draining, no matter what the medic said," Tru said.
"That's probably why."
Anakin smiled faintly. "Why what?" Tru had a habit of speaking his
thoughts out loud, usually right in the middle of them.
"Why you look tired. The medic said he found no side effects, so I
wouldn't worry about that." Tru peered at him sympathetically.
"I'm not worried," Anakin said. He paused. "Do you ever wonder about
detachment, Tru?"
One of the reasons Tru was his friend was that he didn't have to
explain things to him. "Of course. It is the hardest Jedi lesson," Tru
said. "I wonder about it all the time. How can we follow our feelings and
yet be detached? Master Ry-Gaul says that feeling deeply is necessary for
all living beings. It is how we use those feelings that is crucial. If we
let them determine our actions, we can go astray."
"I guess I still don't know how to free myself," Anakin said.
"Me neither. I guess that's why we're Padawans, and they're Masters,"
Tru said. "The thing is not to worry." "Yes," Anakin said. "That's the
thing." He noticed Ferus looking over at them. Ferus quickly looked away.
"What's the matter with Ferus?" Anakin asked. Tru looked uncomfortable.
"Nothing."
Tru shifted his weight. "He said... well. He wondered why you didn't
tell your Master that you'd undergone that treatment. It was clear that you
hadn't. We all wondered. After all, it is strange."
Anakin looked over at Ferus, who had joined Siri, who was saying good-
bye to Obi-Wan. "He always gets in my business."
"He only said out loud what we all thought," Tru said with his usual
honesty. "I bet Obi-Wan is thinking it, too."
"I'm not sure why I didn't tell him," Anakin said. "I was going to
tell him. Did something ever happen to you that you wanted to think about
first, before you told anyone?"
"No," Tru said. "I guess I like to talk."
Anakin laughed. Tru was always truthful. Anakin could see through him
like water. That was how clear he was. And the only thing he saw was
goodness.
Ferus came up. "It's time to board," he told Tru.
"I hear you're wondering why I didn't tell Obi-Wan about what happened
at the prison camp," Anakin said in a challenging tone.
Ferus gazed at him. "Yes, I did wonder," he said. "But then I figured
it out."
"Oh, really? Why don't you enlighten us?" Anakin suggested.
"You were afraid to tell Obi-Wan because you enjoyed it," he said.
"You enjoyed feeling nothing. It even overcame your loyalty."
"Nothing overcomes Anakin's loyalty to his Master, Ferus," Tru said
sharply. "And it is none of your business, anyway. You weren't there. You
don't know what happened. You have no right to judge."
Ferus seemed to struggle against Tru's words for a moment. Then he
inclined his head. "You're right, Tru, as always. I apologize, Anakin. I
shouldn't have said it."
That's right, Ferus. You stepped over the line. But maybe Anakin owed
him one, after their mission on Andara.
"All right," Anakin said. He noted that Ferus hadn't said he was
wrong. Just that he shouldn't have said it.
"Good-bye," Ferus said. "May the Force be with you."
Anakin merely nodded a cool farewell.
"Ferus is the perfect Padawan, remember?" Tru said as Ferus boarded
the ship, trying to make Anakin feel better. "He feels like he has to
correct all of us."
"Thank you for defending me," Anakin said. "I will miss you, friend."
"Take care, Anakin," Tru said. "Take care."
Tru walked away. Anakin felt a tiny sting at Tru's words. He hadn't
meant them as an affectionate farewell. He'd meant them as a warning.
Obi-Wan waited as Garen and Siri walked up the ramp. It slid shut.
Obi-Wan backed up a few steps to watch the two ships take off. Then he
walked slowly to Anakin's side. They watched until the two ships were just
red slivers in the sky, bits of light. Then they shot to maximum speed and
disappeared.
"You said torment," Obi-Wan remarked, still looking at the sky.
"Excuse me?" Anakin pretended confusion, but he knew exactly what Obi-
Wan was referring to.
"You said, The things that normally torment you don't bother you at
all.' Not the things that trouble you, but torment you." Obi-Wan turned to
face him. "It was a strong word. What torments you, Anakin?"
He looked at the ground. "Perhaps I spoke more strongly than I meant
to!'
"That is not an answer."
"Sometimes I don't want to be the Chosen One," Anakin said. The words
broke free. They felt like stones in his mouth.
"That's not surprising," Obi-Wan said. "Many gifts can be burdens."
"The Force is so strong. I can feel it so much. I feel so much. I
don't want to feel so much!" Anakin hardly recognized his voice, choked and
aching. Obi-Wan looked startled at his vehemence. "Why am I chosen? Why is
it me? Can't I refuse it? Can't you let me refuse it? Can't you take it
away?"
"Anakin - "
"Take it from me. Please, Master." Anakin wanted to fall to his knees.
A deep tide of feeling, of dread, had risen up within him and choked him.
He felt tears in the back of his throat. Even his friend Tru was afraid for
him. Just as Ferus was. Just as his own Master was, the person who knew him
What do they see that I cannot?
The sudden panic shocked him. It had sprung up so abruptly. He hadn't
meant to say what he had said. He hadn't even known he had been feeling it.
Now it felt like the truest thing he had ever said. The dread was always
there. He lived with it, but he didn't understand it. He just wanted it to
go away.
The depth of Obi-Wan's shock and compassion showed in his eyes, in the
way he gently placed his hands on Anakin's shoulders. "My Padawan. I would
do anything for you. I would bear your burdens for you if I could. But I
cannot."
Anakin bowed his head. The panic and fear whirled inside him, and he
was ashamed.
Obi-Wan bent closer to speak softly. He did not release his grip on
Anakin's shoulders. "But I will help you
. I will always help you. I will
not leave you."
The words reverberated like a bell. Obi-Wan's touch brought Anakin
back to himself. He raised his head.
"Things between us have not run smoothly lately," Obi-Wan said. "But
you must never doubt my commitment to you."
"And mine to you," Anakin said.
The breeze rose and stirred their robes. It smelled fresh and clean.
It was morning, and they had things to accomplish, a journey to make.
They turned, and together, they walked to the ship. Anakin looked
ahead to the next mission, and the fear returned. Obi-Wan was bringing him
straight to the creator of the process that had caused him so much doubt
and panic. His fear suddenly freshened and sharpened. Now it was a
certainty that this next mission would bring him too close to a truth he
didn't want to face.