“Tired. Thirsty.” Maybe a sip of water would make it easier to talk.
She brought me a cup of water and held the straw to my lips. “Sip slowly. Not too much.”
The first sip hurt to swallow, but then it eased up and the rest went down easily.
“Better?”
I nodded and turned my attention back to Beth. “Did you call the kids?”
“Not yet. I wanted to wait till you were awake. Should I call them now?”
“In a few minutes. Can you just sit with me?”
“Of course.” Marcy pulled a chair up to the bed for Beth. “Thanks.”
“I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake,” Marcy said. “I’m sure he’ll be in soon to see you.”
We sat quietly for several minutes, which I was grateful for. I wanted Beth with me but didn’t want to have to talk.
I was feeling much more alive when the doctor made his appearance. “It went well,” he said. “We’ll know for sure when we get the pathology report back, but the margins looked good. I think we got it all.”
I wasn’t prepared for the relief that washed over me. Tears sprung to my eyes. I was going to be okay. Oh my God. I was going to live. I had hoped for it, but I don’t think I really believed it until that moment.
The ear to ear grin on Beth’s face told the story. “That is the best news,” she said. “Thank you so much.” She squeezed my hand.
“As we discussed, we are going to keep you here for a few days. I want to keep a close eye on you tonight. Let’s see how you are feeling tomorrow. I’ll be by sometime in the afternoon. Questions?”
“How long before the pathology is back?” Beth asked.
“It usually takes anywhere from a few days to a week. I’ll give you a call as soon as I have it.”
I was going to live. It was time to start making actual plans with Beth.
Beth
Jodi insisted that I go into work for at least a half day instead of sitting around the hospital with her. I know she said that for my sake—and the sake of my business, but I would have gladly sat there with her, keeping her company all day. But I complied with her wishes.
“How’s Jodi?” Maddie asked me as we sat down to eat breakfast together a couple of days later. It was the first meal I’d shared with her since Jodi had gotten sick.
I filled her in. “She should be going home in a couple of days.”
Maddie poured orange juice into both of our glasses. “You really care about her, don’t you?”
“I do. A lot. More than a lot.” I passed her the plate of bacon.
She put two pieces on her plate. “I can tell.”
“I told Grandma. About Jodi I mean. My feelings.”
“You did?”
“Yes. I’m done hiding this. Jodi is important to me. I want her in my life.”
“Wow. My mom is growing up.”
I laughed. “I guess I am. Took me long enough.”
“Don’t beat yourself up. We are all on our own paths and some of us just take the long way around. It’s not how long it takes you. It’s where you end up.”
“How did you get so wise?” She had come so far from those rough teenage years.
“Lots of hallucinogenics,” she said with a straight face. “I’m kidding. I had a wonderful woman who taught me a lot.”
“Grandma,” we both said in unison. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. Then I realized the tears were rolling down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop them.
“Mom,” Maddie said. “Are you all right?” She handed me a napkin.
I hadn’t allowed myself to really face the fact that Jodi could have died or the relief that I felt that she was going to be okay. It all came pouring out of me at once. I nodded but the waterworks continued.
When it seemed like there were no more tears left in me, I went back to laughing. My emotions were running amok. It took a bit for me to calm down.
“That was interesting,” I said, for lack of anything else to say.
“We can go with that theory. What’s going on?”
“I think I was just holding everything in for so long. Trying to be strong. Guess I’m not nearly as strong as I thought.”
“That is so far from the truth. Mom, you are the strongest person I know. You’ve been through a lot. Everything Jodi has faced, you faced with her. None of this could have been easy.”
It wasn’t, but I hadn’t let myself be anything but a rock for Jodi. I felt like the rock had just crumbled.
Jodi’s ringtone played out on my phone. I wiped the last of the tears from my face, shook my head to try to clear it, and said hello.
It wasn’t Jodi’s voice I heard. “Hello. Is this Beth?”
“Yes.” I was confused. Why was someone else using Jodi’s phone to call me?
“This is Tina. I’m Jodi Michaels’s nurse for today. She asked me to give you a call to see if you could come to the hospital. She’s hasn’t been feeling well and had a pretty rough night.”
“Oh my God, what’s wrong?”
“The doctor ordered some tests. I don’t believe we have the results yet.”
“Of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I stood up so fast that I knocked the chair over backward. “Jodi’s sick,” I explained to Maddie. “I’ve got to go.”
“Do you want me to drive you? You look pretty rattled.”
I gave it a thought, but only for a moment. “No. I’m fine. Sorry about breakfast.”
“Mom, it’s okay. Go. Please give me a call when you know what’s going on.”
I grabbed my keys from the rack by the door and headed for my car. I forced myself to keep my speed under control—if you call going fifteen miles over the speed limit controlled.
I was grateful for the valet service at the front of the hospital that allowed me to bypass the parking garage. I half walked and half ran to the elevator and up to Jodi’s room. I pushed the door open, but it only opened about a foot. I realized someone was blocking it.
“Sorry. You can’t come in right now.” I caught a glimpse of several people gathered around Jodi’s bed. I couldn’t see her but could tell they were doing something to her.
“What’s happening?” I just about screamed.
A nurse stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her. “Jodi’s heart stopped. She is in good hands. They are doing everything they can to help her.”
Oh my God. Jodi. No.
Jodi
The crushing pain in my chest was suddenly gone. I felt myself floating. No tunnel. No bright light. Just floating. I could see my body below me, a crowd of people around it. But my attention was brought upward, away from them.
I passed through colors. Swirling. Bright, like I would use on my signs. I looked down at my arm to see if the “paint” had stuck to it. That’s when I noticed my arm was no longer solid. It was translucent. I could feel the lightness of it—the lack of density and some of its form.
I continued my upward trek. It wasn’t a rush. It was slow and soft and gentle, and I could feel love radiating all around me, coming from everything and nothing. The softest tones played in the background echoed by sounds in my head just as melodious.
I floated into a room filled with people; their faces were fluffy and distorted at first, one by one, they came into focus. Suddenly, there was my mother. It had been almost four years since I’d last laid eyes on her. Of course, I wasn’t really laying my eyes on her. I was seeing her with pure consciousness. I saw her in all her divine glory. She glowed from the inside out and it was beautiful.
My mother motioned for me to turn and look down. I did as she wordlessly instructed. There was Beth, standing outside the room where they were working on my body. She looked like she was crying. I knew in that moment I had a choice. I could stay with my mother, or I could return—to Beth—to my children—to my life.
I turned back toward my mother and saw her fade into nothingness.
* * *
I struggled to open my
eyes. The bright light in the room was too much to open them fully so I settled for squinting. Something squeezed my arm, and I realized it was the blood pressure cuff. When had they put that back on me? Why was my chest so sore? What was that beeping sound?
Beth got up from the chair by the bed and stuck her head out the door. I hadn’t even seen her come in.
“Nurse. Nurse. She’s waking up.” She came back to the bed and took my hand. “Jodi. It’s me. I’m here.”
Of course, she was here. I’d had surgery and she’d been here every day since. But something was different. I managed to open my eyes a little wider. The room was different. Why was I in a different room? Something didn’t make sense here.
I opened my mouth to ask Beth what was going on, but it came out as more of a croak. Before I could try again, a nurse was on the other side of the bed. “Welcome back.”
Back from where?
She looked at Beth. “I’ve notified the doctor. He’ll be here soon.” She checked the monitors that were hooked up to me. “Everything looks good,” she said to Beth.
Hey. I’m here. Someone want to tell me what’s going on? But I didn’t have the strength to say it out loud.
“Thank you,” Beth said to the nurse, without taking her eyes off me. “You had us pretty scared,” she said to me. She wet my lips with one of those little pink sponges on a stick.
“What happened?” I managed to squeak out.
“Your heart stopped. I guess it happens sometimes after surgery. But they got it going again.”
That explained the way my chest felt. “Sorry I scared you.”
“You need to knock this crap off. I’m not sure how much more my heart can take.”
I smiled. I could feel the muscles in my face struggling against fatigue to hold on to it. “Come closer,” I told her. My voice didn’t seem loud enough to reach her.
She leaned closer and lifted my hand. “What?” she whispered.
“If I don’t make it I want you to know I got my happily ever after. I got to spend the rest of my life with you.” As weak as I felt in the moment, I couldn’t imagine going on. I just wanted to close my eyes again, but I forced them to stay open.
“Stop that. It isn’t over yet.”
“I had stopped believing in fairy tales. But you made all my dreams come true.” I swallowed down the lump that was forming in my throat. “I’m sorry if you don’t get a happily ever after.”
She leaned in even closer. “What are you talking about? You are my happily ever after.”
“I mean just in case.” I wasn’t sure I was making sense. I just wanted her to know how happy I’d been with her.
“The only thing I regret is not figuring out sooner that it’s you I should have been with.” She kissed me on the forehead.
I tilted my head back, just far enough to look into her eyes again. “Hey. No regrets. We might not have started on the same page, but we certainly finished right where we were supposed to.”
“We aren’t nearly finished. Do you know how much I love you?”
I nodded. “Ditto.”
“Sometimes the depth of that love still surprises me.” She let go of my hand long enough to grab the glass of water from the side table. She held the straw while I took a sip. It helped.
“You should find someone else to love if I don’t make it through this.”
She put her finger over my lips. “Shh,” she said. “I don’t want you to talk like that.”
I reached up to stroke her cheek and winced as the IV in my arm pulled. “I don’t want you to be alone. You’re too wonderful for that.”
“Stop. You need to just stop. You’re going to be fine.”
I wanted to believe her. I remembered glimpses of the other side. Of my mother. I wanted to share them with Beth, but I needed to sort them out in my own mind first.
“I can see the wheels turning in that pretty little head of yours. What’s going on?”
“In my head? Nothing.”
“You are so full of shit.”
“I’m full of a lot of things. Shit just happens to be one of them.” I could feel some of my strength inch back, and I felt a little more aware—a little more with it.
“The biopsy came back. They had clean margins around the tumor.”
It took a few moments to sink in. Beth must have read the confusion on my face.
“Are you getting what I’m saying? You’re cancer free. All gone.”
“What? It’s gone?” Gone? That bit of wayward cells that threatened to take my life was gone?
“Yes.”
“The kids…”
“They know about the heart attack. Andrew is actually on his way home. Sam told Annie what’s going on. Maddie is picking them up from the airport…” She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and glanced at it. “In about two hours.”
Beth
Jodi had fallen back to sleep by the time Sam and Annie got there. I gave them both a hug.
“How’s she doing?” Sam asked. He was tall with broad shoulders. His brown hair had a bit of a reddish tint and hung a little over his ears. My first thought was that he could use a haircut. I silently laughed at myself. Occupational hazard, I guessed.
“Much better. She was awake and talking a little while ago.” I gently shook her shoulder. “Jodi. You’ve got company.”
“Mom?” Annie said. She’d grown at least a foot since I’d seen her last. She’d grown more beautiful as well.
Jodi’s eyes popped open at the sound of her daughter’s voice. “My baby.”
“You’ll always be my baby.” She looked at Sam and mouthed thank you. He nodded.
I stepped back to give them space for their family reunion.
“Are you going to be okay, Mom?”
“I didn’t think so at first, Annie. But now I’m sure I am. Just gonna take me a little time to heal.” Jodi caught my eye and smiled. Annie was just the prescription she needed.
“How’s that new puppy?” Jodi asked her.
“He is so cute, Mom. Want to see a picture?” Annie pulled her cell phone from her pocket and proceeded to show off her new pet, giving the exact location for each photo and what the puppy was doing.
The nurse came into the room to check vitals. “I hate to do this, but hospital rules say only two visitors allowed at a time on the cardiac floor.”
“I’ll go,” I said. “I haven’t eaten all day anyway and the cafeteria is calling my name.”
“You must be really hungry to be answering that call,” Sam said.
I laughed. “I’ve eaten in the hospital cafeteria enough times to know what to eat and what to stay away from. The pizza isn’t too bad if you like cardboard.”
“I love cardboard. Mind if I join you? Give these two”—he gestured toward Jodi and Annie—“a chance to catch up.”
“Not at all,” I said. “I’ll be back soon,” I said to Jodi.
To my surprise, she pursed her lips. I gave her a quick kiss and we were on our way.
“Sorry about that,” I said, feeling a little self-conscious.
“You mean the kiss? No worries. Jodi and I were over a long time ago. I know how she feels about you. I’m not sure she would have made it through all this without you. I have the feeling she would have given up.” I had the feeling he could still read her after all these years. “How is she really?”
“The doctor said she is doing good considering everything she’s been through.” I pressed the elevator button. “I have to admit I was scared to death when I got here and they were working on her, trying to revive her. They actually lost her at one point but were able to bring her back—obviously.”
He let out a small laugh. “Nothing is obvious with Jodi.”
I shook my head. “I’m getting better at figuring her out, but you’re right. If she doesn’t want to share something or let on about how she’s feeling, she’s good at hiding it.”
&
nbsp; We didn’t have to wait long for the elevator, and the ride down to the second floor was fairly crowded. We waited until we were once again walking down the hall to finish our conversation.
“She cares about you a lot. You know that, don’t you?”
I smiled and shook my head. “I do now, but that’s something she was really good at hiding for quite a while. But then again, I was doing the same thing. I’m glad we are passed all that crap now.”
“Me too. I’m glad Jodi has you.” He held open the cafeteria door for me.
Me too. I thought. Me too.
Jodi
I was sick of being in the hospital. It had been four days since my heart attack and I was doing well. No permanent damage, they told me.
Beth had opened her home to Sam and Annie. Annie and Beth came to see me every day. Sam popped in a few times. Even Maddie and Beth’s mom came to see me. But the visits couldn’t keep me from going stir-crazy.
“Hey there.” Beth stuck her head in the door. “I’ve got a surprise for you.”
My crappy mood lightened. “Well, come in here and give it to me. I could use a surprise.”
“Are you sure your heart is strong enough for a big surprise?” My mind went immediately to sex. It had definitely been too long. But seeing I was still in the hospital I didn’t think that was what Beth had in mind.
“I’m sure. What it is?”
She let the door close for a second. I couldn’t imagine what the surprise could be. She stepped back in, but the only thing she had was her iPhone. “Hold on. Let me get the video recording.” She fiddled with her phone. “Okay, got it.” She pointed the camera at me.
“What are you doing? I look like crap.”
“You look beautiful,” she said to me. “Okay, bring the surprise in,” she said louder.
The door opened and in walked Andrew, dressed in camo fatigues with his duffel bag flung over his shoulder. “Hi, Mom.”
Tears flooded my eyes. “Andrew. Oh my God. Andrew.” I put my arms out to him. He dropped his duffel bag and came into my arms. I held him as tight as I could. My boy had become a man.