I had to maintain strict radio silence. And you know what? I did. Yes, my eyes bulged out. Yes, my ears flew straight up. Yes, a yelp tried to form itself in the deep throatalary region of my throat, but somehow I managed to keep a lid on it.
Loper stumbled a few steps, then caught himself. He turned a glare toward the pile of . . . well, the pile of ME and the sheets, is what it was, and I heard him mutter, “What the heck was that?” He bent at the waist and reached a hand toward the sheet.
My heart was pounding in my ears. I focused all my powers on concentration and tried to flatten myself into a . . . into an invisible pancake, a pancake so thin that it would be undetectable by human eyes. Could I do it?
Heck no, but what else can a guy think about when he’s out of luck and about to be exposed for all the world to see? He thinks about becoming . . . well, an invisible pancake.
I felt his fingers on the sheet. Then . . .
You probably think he jerked away the sheet and there I lay, a quivering puddle of dog hair. Not so fast. You forgot about Little Alfred, right? Well, all at once the boy appeared in the doorway and said, “Hey Dad, can you tuck me into bed? I’m scared of the dark.”
The fingers remained on the sheet, and Loper said, “There’s something in this pile of laundry.”
“I’m awful sweepy, Dad. Pweese tuck me in? And thanks for wunning off the coyotes. I was scared.”
Two seconds crawled past. Three seconds. I hadn’t taken a decent breath of air in five minutes and was about to smother. Loper sighed. “All right, son. Let’s tuck you into bed.”
His footsteps left the room and I dared to grab a breath of air.
He tucked Little Alfred into bed and said good night. He walked out of the boy’s bedroom and yawned, then his eyes turned to the utility room. He took a step in my direction. And stopped. “Oh well.” He turned off the kitchen light and shuffled off to his bedroom.
I almost fainted with relief! I waited for five minutes, until I could hear nothing but the rumble of Loper’s snoring, then tiptoed out of the utility room and headed for the . . . sniff, sniff . . . headed straight for the kitchen counter. I mean, things that are meant to be should never be ignored, right? And that plate of steak scraps had been left there for a purpose—a Higher Purpose that would wrap up all the loose ends in the case and bring a flood of new meaning into my life.
I, uh, hopped up on my back legs and reached my paws over the kitchen counter. The fragrant waves of steakness filled my nostrils, bringing a rush of meaning and purpose into the darkness of my . . .
HUH?
Someone was behind me, and he clamped me with his arms.
You thought it was Loper or Sally May, right?
“No, no, Hankie. Weeve the scwaps awone. You have to go now.”
Whew! It was Little Alfred, my greatest pal and hero, and he probably thought . . . hey, I was ready to leave the house, no kidding, but about those scraps . . .
He reached up and snagged a gorgeous T-bone and held it in front of my nose. “I’ll wet you have it when you jump out the window.”
Hey, that would work! You bet, no problem. You see how these things sort themselves out? When things are meant to be, they just naturally find their own solution.
I followed the boy into the bedroom and whispered to the runt. “All right, Drover, you can come out now. I’ve secured the house and our mission is completed. And you’ll be happy to know that I’ve just been chosen to receive the Golden Bone Award.”
He came wiggling out from under the bed. “Oh good, and maybe I’ll get one too.”
“Forget that, pal. You’ll get just what you deserve—a big nothing.”
“Oh, bug juice.”
I was about to give the dunce another Chicken Mark when . . . hmm, Little Alfred pitched the bone out the window, and all at once it was time for the Closing Ceremonies. I gave him a juicy lick on the cheek and he gave me a hug. It was a pretty touching ceremony, I mean, the boy and I had gone through a real . . . but I had a bone waiting for me, so I cut it short and crept out the . . .
I couldn’t believe my eyes! The cat had come out of nowhere and was in the process of eating and slobbering all over my Golden Bone Award! For a second or two, my mind went blank and I saw nothing but a huge curtain of red. This was IT. I couldn’t stand any more. Right there in the yard, I would pulverize the cat for all the . . . the list was long. Trying to steal my evidentiary material, telling me the big whopperous lie about the Potted Chicken (which I had never believed, no kidding), and now, slobbering on my Golden Bone Award.
But at the last second, I caught myself. Instead of giving the little snot the pounding he so richly deserved, I would defeat him through cunning and strategy and higher intelligence.
Heh heh. You’ll be impressed by this. See, instead of yielding to my savage instincts, and waking up the house again and getting flogged by Sally May’s broom, I lured the foolish cat into my most secret and deadly ploy—the Ha-Ha Game.
Ha ha ha ha ha . . . okay, maybe he . . . ha ha ha ha ha . . . the stupid cat . . . ha ha ha ha . . .
Skip it. Once again, I had won a, uh, huge moral victory over the imbecile cat and had brought the ranch through another dark and dangerous night. Around here, we consider that a pretty good piece of ranch work.
Case . . . ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . closed . . . ha ha ha ha ha . . .
Further Reading
Have you read all of Hank’s adventures?
1 The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
2 The Further Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
3 It’s a Dog’s Life
4 Murder in the Middle Pasture
5 Faded Love
6 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
7 The Curse of the Incredible Priceless Corncob
8 The Case of the One-Eyed Killer Stud Horse
9 The Case of the Halloween Ghost
10 Every Dog Has His Day
11 Lost in the Dark Unchanted Forest
12 The Case of the Fiddle-Playing Fox
13 The Wounded Buzzard on Christmas Eve
14 Hank the Cowdog and Monkey Business
15 The Case of the Missing Cat
16 Lost in the Blinded Blizzard
17 The Case of the Car-Barkaholic Dog
18 The Case of the Hooking Bull
20 The Phantom in the Mirror
21 The Case of the Vampire Cat
22 The Case of the Double Bumblebee Sting
23 Moonlight Madness
24 The Case of the Black-Hooded Hangmans
25 The Case of the Swirling Killer Tornado
26 The Case of the Kidnapped Collie
27 The Case of the Night-Stalking Bone Monster
28 The Mopwater Files
29 The Case of the Vampire Vacuum Sweeper
30 The Case of the Haystack Kitties
31 The Case of the Vanishing Fishhook
32 The Garbage Monster from Outer Space
33 The Case of the Measled Cowboy
34 Slim’s Good-bye
35 The Case of the Saddle House Robbery
36 The Case of the Raging Rottweiler
37 The Case of the Deadly Ha-Ha Game
38 The Fling
39 The Secret Laundry Monster Files
40 The Case of the Missing Bird Dog
41 The Case of the Shipwrecked Tree
42 The Case of the Burrowing Robot
43 The Case of the Twisted Kitty
44 The Dungeon of Doom
45 The Case of the Falling Sky
46 The Case of the Tricky Trap
47 The Case of the Tender Cheeping Chickies
48 The Case of the Monkey Burglar
49 The Case of the Booby-Trapped Pickup
50 The Case of the Most Ancient Bone
51 The Case of the Blazing Sky
52 The Quest for the Great White Quail
53 Drover’s Secret Life
54 The Case of the Dinosaur Birds
55 The Case of the Secret Weapon
56 The Case of the Coyote Invasion
57 The Disappearance of Drover
58 The Case of the Mysterious Voice
59 The Case of the Perfect Dog
60 The Big Question
About the Author and Illustrator
John R. Erickson, a former cowboy, has written numerous books for both children and adults and is best known for his acclaimed Hank the Cowdog series. He lives and works on his ranch in Perryton, Texas, with his family.
Gerald L. Holmes has illustrated numerous cartoons and textbooks in addition to the Hank the Cowdog series. He lives in Perryton, Texas.