HUH?
The old ears shot straight up and the old eyes popped open. I felt the hair rise on the back of my neck as I, uh, went to Full Reverse on all engines and more or less dug four trenches in the snow.
Then she smiled. “Just kidding. I’ll have to remember this vampire routine. It works like a charm.”
I managed to get everything shut down before I tore down any trees or caused any major damage to the surrounding ecosystems. I studied her very carefully.
“Are you kidding or not?”
“Of course I’m kidding. How could I turn into a vampire?”
“Well, a guy never knows about you cats, and don’t forget whose idea it was, and stop using my ideas against me. It’s not funny.”
“Sorry. I just couldn’t resist.”
“Okay. Let’s get out of here before they decide to come back. Lead the way.”
She went scampering up the canyon—across a snowy meadow, over rocks and through bushes, and then into a forest of huge cedar trees. I soon lost my sense of direction, and I could only hope that this crazy cat knew where she was going.
At last we came to the place she had called Moonshine Springs, where clear sweet water came out from under a big rock. We paused there to catch our breath and get a drink. Then she pointed to a washed-out trail going up the side of the canyon wall.
“That’s the only way out.”
“Boy, that’s a steep rascal. I hope . . .”
Suddenly I was cut off in mid-sentence by the raspy hacksaw voice of . . . yikes, was it Rip and Snort?
“Hey, y’all can’t leave! We ain’t had a bite to eat in three whole days, we’re starved plumb out, and . . . Junior, talk to ’em, son, and explain just how hungry we are.”
I seemed to remember hearing that voice before. It belonged to a certain buzzard named Wallace, who happened to have a son named Junior. Yes, it was all fitting together.
I swept the surrounding trees with my most penetrating radar gaze and . . . sure enough, there they were, perched on the limb of a big cottonwood tree—two slouching, hungry buzzards.
Junior grinned and waved his wing at me. “Oh, h-hi D-d-doggie. W-w-w-we g-got lost in the n-n-night.”
“Yes we did,” said Wallace, “got lost and blowed off course in the snowstorm, and here we are in this canyon. Tell ’em how hungry we are, son.”
“W-we’re l-lost and p-p-pretty h-hungry.”
“Very hungry, Junior. We were pretty hungry two days ago and ain’t had a scrap to eat since then.” Wallace glared down at me. “We’re very hungry, is what Junior’s tryin’ to say, and I don’t suppose y’all would happen to have, oh, a couple of pounds of baloney or some old chicken necks you don’t need, or a dead rabbit, would you?”
“Nope. We’re on our way back to the home ranch and we’ve got no eats. Sorry.”
“Naw you ain’t. You don’t give a care. You’re just sayin’ that.”
“Okay. We don’t have any eats and I don’t give a care.”
“See there, Junior! I knew he didn’t care and that’s the kind of friends you have, selfish and heartless, and . . .” His eyes focused on Mary D Cat, who had begun rubbing on my leg. “Say, neighbor, what do we have there?”
“This,” I said, moving away from the rubbing machine, “is a cat, and she will rub on anything.”
A sparkle came into his eyes. “A cat, a darling little kitty cat! You know, if that cat’s gettin’ on your nerves, maybe we could talk trade.”
“Oh n-now P-pa, d-d-don’t s-start that. The k-k-kitty is his f-f-f-friend, m-most likely.”
“Hush, son, I’m a-workin’ on a deal here.” Wallace turned back to me. “Anyways, dog, me and Junior was just a-wonderin’ about the maybe-so of makin’ a little swap for that cat of yours.”
Junior rolled his eyes. “Oh P-p-pa, d-d-don’t embarrass m-m-me again!”
The old man ignored him. “That’s a mighty nice looking cat, neighbor, and me and Junior would sure try to trade with you.”
I chuckled. “Oh, you wouldn’t like this cat, Wallace. Every once in a while she turns into a vampire.”
There was a moment of silence. “A vampire! You mean, one of them thangs that bites necks and drinks blood?”
“Right, and this one just loves gizzards.”
There was another moment of silence. “Gizzards! Now, just hold your horses, pooch, that’s kind of backwards to what we had in mind.”
I gave Mary D the raised eyebrow She shifted into her Floating and Moaning Routine and cast a hungry look up into the tree.
“The moon is full, the earth is turning,
My vampire appetite is burning.
Two buzzard gizzards I must eat
To make this dreadful night complete.”
Wallace bought the whole show—hook, line, and sawhorse. “Son, I think that pretty much answers all the questions I had about vampires, and I reckon we’d better . . . spread your wings, son, we’re fixing to catch a plane out of here.”
“I thought w-we were g-g-going to s-s-s-spend the n-night here, P-p-pa.”
“Son, a guy can always find another cottonwood tree, but his gizzard is very close to his heart, and no, we ain’t staying the night here with all these vampires runnin’ around, let’s go.”
“But Wallace,” I said, trying to hide a smile, “I thought you wanted to work a trade.”
“No sir, I did not, that was all Junior’s idea. I ain’t hungry, couldn’t hold another bite, and while a buzzard will eat ’most anything that moves, we draw the line at vampires, and son, I’m a-quitting this place, see you upstairs.”
With that, he spread his wings, pushed off of the limb, and went flapping into the night sky. Junior grinned and shook his head.
“I th-think y-you g-g-g-got ’im on that one, D-d-d-doggie.”
“Yeah, well, I owed him one. See you around, Junior. I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to sing.”
“M-m-maybe n-next t-time, next time. B-b-bye, D-doggie.”
He crouched down on the limb, gave a jump, flapped his big buzzard wings as hard as he could, took the top out of a cedar tree, and vanished into the darkness.
I chuckled to myself and noticed that Mary D was watching me with a little smile on her mouth. “You’ve really enjoyed this vampire business, haven’t you?”
“A guy has to make his fun where he can, Kitty. And yes, life’s liable to seem pretty dull if I ever get around normal dogs and cats and people again.”
“Oh, so you’re going to blame it all on me?”
I whopped her on the back. “Why not? That’s what cats are for. Now, let’s see if we can find our way back to the ranch.”
We made our way out of the deep spooky darkness of Picket Canyon, which was no small deal, let me tell you. We had to climb almost straight up over rocks and snow, mountains, glaciers, and so forth, but at last we made it over the rim.
Once on the flats, we stopped to catch our breaths. A gentle breeze was blowing out of the southwest, an indication that the storm had passed. The clouds had rolled away, leaving a black velvet sky speckled with diamonds of light.
“Holy smokes, just look at those stars! If a guy spent enough time looking at those things, it would almost make him feel humble about his place in the world.”
“Almost?”
“Yeah, well, in my line of work, a guy can’t use too much of that stuff. There’s not much demand for humble dogs in the . . . you seem to be rubbing on me again. Have we discussed my feelings about being rubbed on by cats?”
She was rubbing on my front legs and flipping that tail across my nose. “I know what you think, Harvey, but I wanted to rub you good-bye.”
“Good-bye? What do you mean, good-bye? I thought . . .”
“Oh, I know. I made such a scene about being marooned and wanting to
leave, but now that I’m free to leave . . . my goodness, it seems that the freedom to leave was more important than the leaving.”
“The freedom was more . . . hmm.”
“Yes, and now that I’m free to leave, I’m also free to stay, and I think I will. After all, who’d want to go back to civilization and become a normal cat?” She smiled a crazy smile and stared at me with those big cattish eyes. “Being weird is really fun.”
“Well, you ought to be having a ball, sister, because you win the prize for weirdness. And you made a very convincing vampire.”
“Wasn’t that fun! I may try it out on Leroy. Oh, won’t he be surprised?”
She chuckled and dived back into rubbing on my legs. I stared at her and shook my head.
“You know, I never thought I’d be teamed up with a cat. It kind of wrecks my whole theory of life. I mean, if there’s one good cat in the world, everything’s up for grabs.”
She turned her face up to me and batted her eyelids. “Maybe everything IS up for grabs. Or maybe I’m not such a good cat. Tomorrow, I might want to tear out your eyeballs.”
“Yeah, and that could get you turned into kitty hamburger. But tonight, right now, this minute, you’re okay, Kitty. Just don’t ever tell anybody I said so. It could ruin my reputation.”
She rubbed me one last time. “Good-bye, Harvey.”
“Good-bye, Gertrude.”
“My name’s Mary D.”
“My name’s Hank.”
“You’re nice—for a dog.”
“You’re nice—for a vampire.”
And with that, I set my course by the North Star, waved a last good-bye, and began the long trip back.
Case closed.
And don’t you DARE tell anybody that I made friends with a cat!
Further Reading
Have you read all of Hank’s adventures?
1 The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
2 The Further Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
3 It’s a Dog’s Life
4 Murder in the Middle Pasture
5 Faded Love
6 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
7 The Curse of the Incredible Priceless Corncob
8 The Case of the One-Eyed Killer Stud Horse
9 The Case of the Halloween Ghost
10 Every Dog Has His Day
11 Lost in the Dark Unchanted Forest
12 The Case of the Fiddle-Playing Fox
13 The Wounded Buzzard on Christmas Eve
14 Hank the Cowdog and Monkey Business
15 The Case of the Missing Cat
16 Lost in the Blinded Blizzard
17 The Case of the Car-Barkaholic Dog
18 The Case of the Hooking Bull
19 The Case of the Midnight Rustler
20 The Phantom in the Mirror
21 The Case of the Vampire Cat
22 The Case of the Double Bumblebee Sting
23 Moonlight Madness
24 The Case of the Black-Hooded Hangmans
25 The Case of the Swirling Killer Tornado
26 The Case of the Kidnapped Collie
27 The Case of the Night-Stalking Bone Monster
28 The Mopwater Files
29 The Case of the Vampire Vacuum Sweeper
30 The Case of the Haystack Kitties
31 The Case of the Vanishing Fishhook
33 The Case of the Measled Cowboy
34 Slim’s Good-bye
35 The Case of the Saddle House Robbery
36 The Case of the Raging Rottweiler
37 The Case of the Deadly Ha-Ha Game
38 The Fling
39 The Secret Laundry Monster Files
40 The Case of the Missing Bird Dog
41 The Case of the Shipwrecked Tree
42 The Case of the Burrowing Robot
43 The Case of the Twisted Kitty
44 The Dungeon of Doom
45 The Case of the Falling Sky
46 The Case of the Tricky Trap
47 The Case of the Tender Cheeping Chickies
48 The Case of the Monkey Burglar
49 The Case of the Booby-Trapped Pickup
50 The Case of the Most Ancient Bone
51 The Case of the Blazing Sky
52 The Quest for the Great White Quail
53 Drover’s Secret Life
54 The Case of the Dinosaur Birds
55 The Case of the Secret Weapon
56 The Case of the Coyote Invasion
57 The Disappearance of Drover
58 The Case of the Mysterious Voice
59 The Case of the Perfect Dog
60 The Big Question
61 The Case of the Prowling Bear
About the Author and Illustrator
John R. Erickson, a former cowboy, has written numerous books for both children and adults and is best known for his acclaimed Hank the Cowdog series. He lives and works on his ranch in Perryton, Texas, with his family.
Gerald L. Holmes has illustrated numerous cartoons and textbooks in addition to the Hank the Cowdog series. He lives in Perryton, Texas.