Copyright © 2014 by John Moe
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House LLC.
Earlier versions of “Concerning Jon Bon Jovi, wanted dead or alive,” “Memo regarding changes to the Hotel California in light of Mr. Don Henley’s recent complaint,” “Notes on ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine,’ as delivered to Axl Rose by his editor,” “A note placed in the pay envelope of Billy ‘The Piano Man’ Joel,” “A letter from The Power to Public Enemy,” “A court-ordered letter from Dora the Explorer’s mother,” “A letter to Elvis Presley from his hound dog,” “A midyear update from Miss Othmar,” “A retort to Carly Simon regarding her charges of vanity,” “A letter to Elton John from the office of the NASA Administrator,” and “James Taylor issues an update on ‘The Friendship Promise’ ” appeared on McSweeneys.net. An earlier version of “A letter to The Grinch following the events of a significant Christmas” appeared as a commentary on NPR.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Moe, John.
Dear Luke, we need to talk, Darth : and other pop culture correspondences / John Moe. —First edition.
pages cm
1. Popular culture—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.P635M64 2014
306.480973—dc23 2013045747
ISBN 978-0-385-34910-9
eBook ISBN 978-0-385-34911-6
Book design and illustrations by Maria Elias
Cover design by Jess Morphew
Cover photography by Michael Nagin
v3.1
For Charlie, Kate, and Margaret
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Concerning Jon Bon Jovi, wanted dead or alive
The shark from Jaws keeps a journal as part of his therapy
Jay Z’s 99 Problems
A thank-you note from Dorothy Gale to Glinda, the “Good” Witch of the North
Updates issued by Special Agent “Gilligan” from Island Project
Memo regarding changes to the Hotel California in light of Mr. Don Henley’s recent complaint
Minutes from a meeting of the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park on how best to open the facility
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls I to V
Bulletin Board notice of Muppets not invited to participate in movie and television projects
Welp reviews of notable restaurants and hotels
Engineer’s notes from the recording of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours
Darth Vader’s unsent letters to Luke Skywalker as found in his trash can
Exchange between Neal Hefti, creator of the Batman TV theme song, and the show’s producer
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls VI to X
Notes on “Sweet Child o’ Mine,” as delivered to Axl Rose by his editor
Clarence the Angel’s report on an alternate world where George Bailey of It’s a Wonderful Life was never born but his parents raised a grizzly bear cub instead and named it George
Rejected Twilight Zone Episode Ideas
Top secret British intelligence notes on the fates of Agents 001 through 006
An Oral History of the Pac-Man Ghosts
Notes between Ozzy Osbourne and Tony Iommi of Black Sabbath
A note placed in the pay envelope of Billy “The Piano Man” Joel
A series of e-mails among the aliens on E.T.’s ship
A letter from The Power to Public Enemy
Leonard Cohen text messages Leonard Cohen whilst writing a new song
Interviews with Disney personnel about the Goofy-Pluto conundrum
Postings to the Internet Message Board of the Walkers on The Walking Dead
A court-ordered letter from Dora the Explorer’s mother
A letter to Elvis Presley from his hound dog
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls XVI to XX
Papers found in the backpacks of students at the high school in Twilight who are monsters but not vampires or werewolves
A note to Clark Kent from the maker of his new glasses
Rough drafts of famous movie quotes as found in the trash cans of notable screenwriters
Excerpts from Horovitz v. Horovitz (2013) regarding the right to party, co-written by Martin Bell
Herb Brooks tries to get the “Miracle on Ice” 1980 U.S. Hockey Team canonized
A midyear update from Miss Othmar
A letter to the B-52’s from their real estate agent regarding efforts to sell the Love Shack
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls XXI to XXVII
A letter to The Grinch following the events of a significant Christmas
The cast of the Popeye cartoons remembers
Walter White of Breaking Bad writes a letter to himself upon his original cancer diagnosis
A note from the contractor working on Robert Plant’s home remodeling project
A letter to the island on Lost from the head of the ad agency hired to promote tourism on the island
Captain James T. Kirk’s lost log entries
A retort to Carly Simon regarding her charges of vanity
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls XXVIII to XXXIV
A note from the departed Fonzie to the Cunninghams
The diary of the man with the yellow hat, friend of Curious George
A memo from Kurt Cobain, Marketing Manager, Teen Spirit deodorant
Don Draper’s cocktail recipe note cards
Incident report from the point of view of the iceberg that sank the Titanic
A letter to Elton John from the office of the NASA Administrator
A professional henchman’s letters home to his mother
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls XXXV to XLI
Optimus Prime’s list of Transformers to receive polite rejection letters
Introductory memo for staff beginning work on “Project Barney”
Letters between Bill Cosby’s Sweaters in the 1980s
Transcripts of War Horse’s voice mails to his agent
A letter from Kevin McCallister, age 33, to his mother, 23 years after being left Home Alone
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls XLII to XLV
Diary of an obscure and unpopular student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
The complete rules of Fight Club, as sent to members
A chalkboard message from Gunther, owner of Central Perk, to Rachel
James Taylor issues an update on “The Friendship Promise”
E-mail from Fox Mulder to Dana Scully concerning the lost X-Files
Harper Lee’s letters to her editor after the publication of To Kill a Mockingbird
A letter from Rock ’n’ Roll City’s department of civil engineering to Mayor Grace Slick
Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals, Super Bowls XLVI to XLVIII
Acknowledgments
About the Author
CONCERNING JON BON JOVI,
WANTED
DEAD OR ALIVE
Attention, all law enforcement in the region:
I realize many of you have become cynical about the all-points bulletins issued for dangerous criminals. I’m sure you think they’re essentially all the same and that only the
names have changed. But I urge you to pay close attention in your pursuit of Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. He’s wanted. Wanted dead or alive.
Who is Bon Jovi? Well, to begin with, he’s a cowboy. Granted, it’s fairly routine for cowboys to run afoul of the law, especially in the winter, when the work and money dry up and they’ve got time on their hands. Plenty of petty theft, public intoxication, and lewd-behavior calls. But that’s not what we’re up against. Bon Jovi is no regular cowboy. He rides a horse made of steel. A steel horse.
I am not shitting you.
And don’t think this is some sort of comical clunky robot horse with whimsical hydraulic sound effects and extraneous flashing lights. This thing is exactly like a thoroughbred, only much larger and made from an incredibly resilient alloy. Bullets can’t even penetrate this horse, much less stop it. Bon Jovi is also armed with a loaded six-string that he carries on his back. Reports differ on whether he uses it as a sort of crossbow or whether it’s actually a guitar that he plays with such shocking mastery as to render victims helpless. Regardless, take heed.
There is other information I need to share with you about Bon Jovi. And no matter how callous you think you are to the attributes of criminals, you may want to brace yourself. Bon Jovi has almost superhuman abilities. Sure, sometimes he sleeps, but sometimes he can go for days without doing so. Days! To compensate for this interruption in his circadian rhythms, Bon Jovi has evidently crafted some sort of alcohol-based calendar, where he can actually tell the day by the bottle that he drinks.
So why are we looking for Bon Jovi? Why is he wanted, wanted dead or alive? A spree of face rocking. Estimates vary as to how many faces have been targeted—some say 800,000, some say 1.2 million—but it is accepted as a fact that he has rocked every single face he has seen. Every one of them. We’re not even clear on a motive for this mass face rocking, although there are reports of Bon Jovi complaining of faces that “are so cold.”
Will he stop at a million faces? How many will be enough? We can’t afford to find out.
Now all this being said, if you should come in contact with Bon Jovi, do not look into his face. He will only rock your face. And call for backup immediately.
Good luck to you all. At this point, I have to be honest. We’re living on a prayer.
Sincerely,
Sgt. H. Locklear
Bruce: A Shark’s Journal
April 7
So this is the journal that I’m supposed to be writing in, as prescribed by my latest therapist. I hope it helps but I have to be honest, I doubt it will. I WANT TO STOP EATING EVERYONE! That’s it! That’s all I want! I’ve been through—what—five therapists now trying to fix this problem I have? And I’ve eaten three of those therapists. I can’t form any meaningful relationships with anyone because sooner or later, CHOMP. It’s got to stop. I want to do things. I want to get married. I want to swim up to a female and impregnate her. But for any of that to work, the killing simply has got to stop. And I’m nervous because summer is coming up. Maybe this summer will be different.
May 2
This summer WILL be different. THIS SUMMER MUST BE DIFFERENT!
May 12
How could the summer be different?! I’m a SHARK. A GREAT WHITE SHARK. A nonstop killing machine! NO! No. I am in control here. Biology is not destiny. I have to think positive. I can be any kind of nonstop machine I want to be. A nonstop caring machine. A nonstop listening machine. A nonstop nurturing machine.
May 31
Tourists are showing up. I ate kelp and seaweed today. I’ve read, like, three books this week just to keep my mind off things. Jacqueline Susann. Better than I expected.
June 14
Okay. Deep breath. I’m ashamed to even be writing this. But I fell off the wagon BIG TIME.
It was night and I was swimming around (I don’t sleep), and I thought everything would be fine because what human would be out in the ocean at night? Then this lady shows up swimming around. Naked! Now, I’m not into human chicks in a sexual way—I’m not a perv or anything—but I see that and I’m thinking, “no nylon swimsuits, no goggles to deal with, just dinner.”
I’m not blaming the victim here—I’M NOT—she has/had the right to swim wherever, whenever, wearing whatever she wanted. But I could not resist. And thus, chomp.
I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t even eat all of her. I dumped her mangled remains on the beach, kind of as a way of saying sorry to the humans. I hope they were able to pick up on how contrite I was when they saw her carcass.
June 23
Guilt does funny things to a shark. When I feel guilty about something (like, oh, EATING A WOMAN), I start to hate myself. When I start to hate myself, I engage in self-destructive behavior. If I were a human (like the one I ATE), that might mean eating a bunch of ice cream or getting drunk. But I’m a shark and I dragged a boy from shore and ate him up. He was smaller than my previous meal, but, I don’t know, it still doesn’t feel like progress to me. It’s like the only way I can feel good is to do bad?
June 26
There’s no doubt about it: I’m spiraling. Sank a boat today. Ate the captain. Most of him anyway. Started innocently enough. I saw the boat out there on the water, and I remembered what I read in a self-help book: “use your tongue instead of your teeth.” I figured I could swim up and talk to the guy about my issues. Maybe he could provide some help from a human perspective.
Then before I know it he’s whapping me on the nose, which is NOT COOL, and one thing led to another. Suddenly I was on the attack. I need to remember that it’s not enough to want to reach people. I have to understand how I’m coming across to them as well.
But why do all my conflicts end with eating people? Why is that always my end-game? Maybe because I’m a Great White Shark but I don’t ACCEPT that destiny as an ABSOLUTE.
July 5
Ate another dude. Maybe I was still mad at the boat captain. Or mad at my mother who birthed me and then just swam away. Or mad at myself.
I also know that the people are on to me. They’re upset. And they’re coming for me and it’s not to talk things over. You see what I’ve done here: I’VE TAUGHT THEM TO KILL. It’s a cycle. Like, who’s the real monster here? Is it me, the shark, or is it those people who want to kill me? Realistically, I know it’s me. I wish it weren’t.
July 7
Yeah, they’re coming for me. I should just head out to the greater ocean and put Cape Cod behind me. Somehow I can’t. I think I need closure. Whether that will come from eating every person who comes near the water or being harpooned I can’t say. But I see their boat. Looks like there’s an old sea captain, a sort of wild-eyed young researcher, and Roy Scheider on it. I’m going to them. One way or another, we’re going to end this thing.
(JOURNAL ENDS)
JAY Z’S 99 PROBLEMS
1. Someone might figure out the Z stands for Zippy.
2. Missing Golden Girls DVD box set.
3. People pronouncing my name “Jaze.”
4. Don’t really enjoy rap music.
5. Rap patrol on gat patrol.
6. A bitch. Ha! Gotcha. No, just kidding. It’s mosquitos.
7. Overall concern over the direction of the Dr. Who franchise.
8. Where to dump Hal Linden’s body.
9. Ficus plant seems droopy.
10. Do I have enough sunglasses?
11. Is it possible to EVER have enough sunglasses?
12. If not, have I set myself up for a life without satisfaction where a thousand sunglasses will never be as good as two thousand sunglasses?
13. How can I go about buying all the sunglasses?
14. How do I persuade everyone else in the world to destroy or give me their sunglasses so no one else can ever have sunglasses?
15. These grapes taste weird.
16. Inconvenient money allergy.
17. Ventriloquism classes not going well. Can’t nail the B sound.
18. Rap critics that say I’m money, cash, hoes
.
19. The U.S. can’t seriously compete in Olympic table tennis.
20. Hoses on the soda fountain that dispense champagne are getting all gummed up.
21. Are my shiny things as shiny as they could be?
22. How do I go about firing my shiny thing shiner?
23. Do I have a human resources person I need to talk to first?
24. How do I advertise for a new shiny things shiner? Craigslist? Seems wrong.
25. What kind of questions do you ask someone like that in an interview?
26. Pet tiger seems bored.
27. Other pet tiger unaccounted for (note: they don’t really play fetch. Not in the classical sense.)
28. Have to get more gazelle for tiger(s), stocks running low.
29. Fools that want to make sure my casket’s closed.
30. Martin Mull’s a good actor. Why can’t he get a series?
31. Beyoncé’s former Destiny’s Child bandmates still “crashing” in the rec room. It’s been three months.
32. Chafing.
33. Art Garfunkel won’t return my calls.
34. Might lose favorite rhyming dictionary someday and career will be over.
35. I’m rich, happily married, popular, and respected. I guess this is more a brag than a problem.
36. Potty mouth.
37. What if there’s someone left in the world who doesn’t know who I am?
38. The ending of The Sopranos.
39. The ending of According to Jim.
40. Music is fine, but should I have stayed in the crack-dealing business?
41. How much would it cost to shrink a rhino to the size of a small dog to keep as a pet?
42. Who can do that for me?
43. How do I get a hold of that rhino-shrinking person?
44. Could I give shrunken rhino pets as gifts to friends or is that presumptuous?
45. What would I name my shrunken rhino pet? “Killer”? “Tupac”? “Pointy”?
46. What if all my fans start shrinking down rhinos to copy me and then they can’t take care of them and abandon them? Because that would be a lot of guilt on me for starting this thing.