UNCLE JOHN’S PRESENTS BOOK OF THE DUMB 2
Copyright © 2004 by Portable Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Uncle John’s Presents” is a trademark of Advanced Marketing Services, Inc.
Project Team
Amy Briggs, Editor
Allen Orso, Publisher
JoAnn Padgett, Director, Editorial and Production
Michael Brunsfeld, Cover Design
Kaelin Chappell, Interior Design
Susan Gerber, Composition and Layout
For information, write
Portable Press, 5880 Oberlin Drive, San Diego, CA 92121
e-mail: unclejohn@advmkt.com
ISBN 13: 978-1-60710-686-9
E-book edition: October 2012
05 06 07 0810 9 8 7 6 5 4 3
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to Dora and Mike Blauser, my in-laws, because this is the only way either of them would ever show up in a book like this. Much love to the both of you.
CONTENTS
Introduction
CHAPTER 1
BIG DUMMY ON CAMPUS
The Greatest Scavenger Hunt in the Universe
Stupidity Is Alive and Well and Wearing Greek Letters
If Nothing Else, He Has a Degree in Chutzpah
How to Become the Most Hated Man in College Park
A Double-Entendre That Has Absolutely Nothing to Do with Sex
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 2
BLAME IT ON THE FAME
Not Exactly a “Smooth Criminal”
Rub & Roll
The Camera Has Stopped. Please Don’t Act Anymore
A Step Down from “Clapton Is God,” to Be Sure
To Tell the Truth
A Jewel of a Concert
Slappin’ to the Oldies
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 3
CHUG-A-LUG!
Mmmm . . . Felonious Beer
Chug-A, Chug-A, Choo-Choo!
Bulldozing Berlin
Blasphemy, Australian Style
Fence Frustrates Sloshed Swede
Oh, It Was Hazardous Material, All Right
Blessed Aren’t the Dumb
Those Weren’t the Suds They Were Looking For
The Drunk Need Not Apply
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 4
DUMBING IN THE FAMILY
So Happy Together . . .
They’re Always in the Last Place You Look
But You Can Get the Lithograph for Just $25K!
Long-Term Storage?
Does the Duffel Bag Cost Extra?
Someone Left the Rake out in the Rain
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 5
EDU-MA-CATION
The Class Ended with a Bang
Death by Peanut Butter!
To the Showers, Coach
It Tasted Just Like Stupidity
Not What They Meant by Sex Ed
Everest Is Not in the Cards
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 6
GOVERNMENT GOOFS
Uncle Sam Charges It
No Straight Edge Required
Are You There, Vishwakarma? It’s Me, Yadav
Downgrading from the Sixth Circle of Hell to the Fifth
Can’t Blame Them for Taking It
Britain, Austria, Luvania?
CHAPTER 7
HI-TECH HALF-WITS
And Yet, Almost Nothing of Any Value Ever Gets Said That Way
GPS Also Stands for “Generally Pretty Stupid”
The Ultimate in Poor Service
Wireless Yet Stupid
Insert “Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti” Joke Here
The Perils of Being “Leet”
Bidding on Jail Time
No Such Thing As a Free Fill-Up
Cell Phone Craziness
Sleep On Your Own Time, Bub
CHAPTER 8
A HUNK, A HUNK OF BURNIN’ DUMB
Talk About Char-Broiled
Crispy Critters, Crispy Commerce
From the Do-As-We-Say-Not-As-We-Do Department
Pants on Fire
He’ll Be the Butt of Jokes for Years
Keep the Home Fires Burning
Some Life Left in Them
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 9
THE LAW IS BLIND, NOT DUMB
Undercover Idiocy
Someone Who Wouldn’t Benefit From Tips for Stupid Criminals
You’re Not an Emergency!
A One Way Ticket to Stupidville, First Class
Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers
She Should Have Seen It Coming
Seriously Out of Uniform
That’s the Ticket
What Would You Do for Vanilla Roast?
Oh Deer
Flashy Stupidity
CHAPTER 10
MORONS AND MOTOR VEHICLES
On the Road, Don’t Look at These Curves
Vehicular Stupidity, Canadian Style
Driving Toward Trouble
I Wasn’t Speeding. The Earth Just Rotated Slower
The Wrong Fake ID
A Short Cut, Or a Long Way Down?
A Crushing Loss
She Can Park There for 17 Years
The Case of the Too Clever License Plate
CHAPTER 11
OUTSMARTED BY ANIMALS
Cette Panthére Est Trés Petite, Non?
The Great Immobile Owl
Meow, Baby
Pssst . . . Dogs Don’t Get Representational Art
And Then the Entire Town Imploded from the Weight of All the Puns
Please, Think of the St. Bernards
A Boner of a Regulation
If You Give a Polar Bear a Cookie
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 12
POLITICAL PINHEADS
Spelling Lesson
Not Clear On the “Have to Win People’s Votes” Thing
Put Down That Comic Book!
Well, Then, Stop Printing Them with Flavored Ink
Vice Presidential Misprint
CHAPTER 13
ROMANCING THE STONED
When Not to Call the Police
What If You Gave a Party and Nobody Came, Dude?
Not Too Subtle
Smuggler’s Blues
Everybody Must Get Paranoid?
Crack Is Wack
A Case of Bad Crack
She Flipped the Bird, He Flipped the Cuffs
The Map to Idiotville
When You’re Sniffing This Stuff, It’s Time for Rehab
Dad, That’s My Coke!
Another Meaning for Getting High
CHAPTER 14
SEX AND OTHER NAKED ACTIVITIES
When Lust Goes Overboard
That Greasy Freak
From the “Probably Too Dumb to Be True” File
Old School Nudity
A Hardcore Benefit
Like Romeo and Juliet, with Ductwork
A Little Bit of Road Rage
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 15
STUPIDITY IS MY BUSINESS, AND BUSINESS IS GOOD
Some Things You Just Can’t Give Away
Trimming Justice
A Bad Time to Be Out of Gas
No Water for Me? Then No Tip for You
“Nobody Asked”
It’s Ne
ver Too Early to Develop Soul-Crushing Debt
An Important Tip For Funeral Directors
He Must Really Love His Staplers
A Refreshing Moment of Honest, Corporate Greed
Rabid Lawyer Put Down
Malpractice or Monkey Business?
You Must Be This Thin to Get Your Fish and Chips
CHAPTER 16
THE THRILL OF VICTORY, THE AGONY OF STUPIDITY
Nothing Technical About This Knockout
When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go
Beer! Hockey Fans! What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
The Rocket’s Red Wheeze
Rumors of My Death Something, Something, Something
A Promotion That’s Just Criminal
The Really Stupid Quiz
CHAPTER 17
TILL DUMB DO US PART
Goin’ to the Chapel and We’re Gonna Steal the Candleholders
A Hot Time in the Old Car
Inappropriate Use of Limos Abounds!
He’ll Be Shopping for a Radiator Grille
What? No Kid Named After Colonel Tom Parker?
Maybe Catering Next Time?
A New Spin on the “Shotgun Wedding”
A Fishy Domestic Dispute
CHAPTER 18
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
Don’t Leave a Paper Trail
Don’t Forget About the Dye Pack
Don’t Be Early to Your Robbery
Air Vents and Criminals Don’t Mix
Know Your Technology
Know the Law in Your Jurisdiction
Pssst . . . They Can See You on the Internet
Make Sure Your Fake Badge Doesn’t Say Something Stupid
Just Take the Wallet and Run
Hey Big Spender, Try Laying Low for a While
Don’t Moon Over Your Sentence
The Police Hang Out at the Courthouse
Try Knocking First
Thou Shalt Not Steal—Especially from God
Keep It Down
CHAPTER 19
TRAVEL TRAVAILS
Naptime at 36,000 Feet
Things Not to Leave in Your Rental Car
Airport Insecurity
In Man vs. Train, Bet on the Train
Step Outside, Then Free Fall
Empty Vessels
Report the News, Don’t Make It
We’re Sorry, This Is a No-Slapping Flight
Don’t Rush Me
The Really Stupid Quiz
DIM BULBS IN BRIGHT LIGHTS
Dumb and Dumber
This Is Spinal Tap
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Being There
Zoolander
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Dude, Where’s My Car?
Forrest Gump
Wayne’s World
THE ANNALS OF ILL-ADVISED TELEVISION
Emeril
The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer
Pink Lady . . . and Jeff
You’re in the Picture
My Mother the Car
The Chevy Chase Show
Coupling
XFL
Cop Rock
Supertrain
Answers
The Last Page
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This is the second book in the Dumb series, and I’m pleased to note that it was as much fun the second time around as it was the first time (how often can you say that about anything?). Here are some of the people who helped to make it so.
First, big thanks to my Beta Readers, who took a look at the raw articles and offered grammar and story suggestions. Most particularly, thanks to (in no particular order) Richard Jones, Duncan McGregor, Zeynep Dilli, Dave Ciskowski, Tony Dismukes, David Hodson, Christopher Nelson, Kevin Hicks, Laurel Halbany, and Aaron Brown. Once again, I’m sure a few names have slipped my mind—I beg forgiveness.
Much of the research for this book was done via the Internet—an obscure computing network that many people don’t know about, but which I think will be big one day. You heard it here first. Yet again, the site that was the biggest help in gathering stories was FARK.com, whose tireless band of Farkers post crazy stories of people doing insane things at all hours of the day and night. To proprietor Drew Curtis and his merry crew, I reiterate my claims of much rockage. France surrenders. Your dog wants steak. Still no cure for cancer. Many thanks.
At Portable Press, editor Amy Briggs was paid to put up with me, and I’m sure they didn’t pay her enough for what I put her through. Many thanks to her for giving the book structure and focus. Thanks also to JoAnn Padgett, Allen Orso, Kristen Marley, and Mana Monzavi, fine people all.
My wife Kristine and daughter Athena make this universe a better place to be in, and whenever I marveled at the absolutely inane things people do with themselves, as I of course frequently did in writing this book, it was nice to be able to look to them for counterbalance. All my love to them, today, tomorrow, and on and on.
PREFACE
Welcome to the world of the dumb. Again.
In this second foray into a place where bizarre events occur, the odd is commonplace, the eccentric is everyday, the weird is a walk in the park, and people definitely DO do the strangest things in the strangest places—they still all share one thing in common. No matter what the occasion or location—when these folks came to the party, they all checked their brains at the door.
Thanks to the verbal prestidigitations of John Scalzi, Uncle John’s very own ringmaster of the absurd, we think that their faults, foibles, mistakes, and misdemeanors make for some pretty darned interesting reading. Sit back, relax, and read all about:
•Setting off fireworks, indoors;
•Mixing polar bears and cookies;
•Drinking mystery fizz from chemistry class;
•Breaking out of jail for a beer run; and many, many more!
These stories are like potato chips; bet you can’t read just one . . . and we hope you enjoy them down to the last crumb. They’re a no-fat, zero-carb snack for your brain.
Bon appetit,
Uncle Al
Publisher
INTRODUCTION
I’m going to let you all in on a secret: When writing a book like Book of the Dumb 2, the question is not: Will I find enough stuff to write an entire book? The question is: Aaaaaugh! There’s too much stuff! What do I choose?
It’s no joke. Every day during the writing of this book there would be eight, ten, or even twelve stories I’d read that would be a truly excellent fit for Book of the Dumb 2. It’s an embarrassment of riches. This is good for us, the people who make the book, but at the same time it also makes us wonder about the sort of world we’re living in. Well, we’ll let someone else bother with the philosophical and sociological ramifications of such an avalanche of dumbosity. For us, and for this book, we just want to have fun with it all.
And so: Book of the Dumb 2, with its stories lovingly hand-picked for their extra special dumbness. I’m proud to say that once again, the stories and the people in them run the gamut, from common thieves to uncommon celebrities, from the very smart (who should know better) to the very, well, not smart. As I mentioned in the introduction to the first book, it’s not just “stupid” people who do dumb things. Everybody does them. They are the great leveler in our world. Dumb moves are perhaps the most democratic expression of the human condition we have. Also, they’re good for a laugh. You can’t beat that.
Those of you who are picking up this book without having read the first Book of the Dumb don’t need to worry—this book is self-contained, so jump right in and enjoy it. Those of you who did read the first Book of the Dumb, however, will notice a couple of changes. Most obviously, the book is now arranged by chapters—so if you want to just read stories about people behind the wheel or getting stupid with fire, you don’t have to hunt through the book: they’re all in one place for you. And there are other new bits as well:
•Dim Bulbs In Bright Lights: A collection o
f films featuring famously dumb characters: From Jeff Spicoli to the dudes from Dude, Where’s My Car?, all your favorite cinematic idiots are here.
•The Annals of Ill-Advised Television: You know how every year, there are some TV series where you just look at them and think: how on earth did THAT get on the air? This is a celebration of those shows. We’ve got shows that should have killed off the whole broadcast medium, yet somehow strangely did not.
All of this on top of favorite features from the first book: The Really Stupid Quizzes, and Tips for Stupid Criminals. And of course, many, many tales of dumbness that you have every right to expect from a book entitled Book of the Dumb 2.
Have fun with the book, and remember: don’t ever let any of these things happen to you.
Enjoy!
—John Scalzi
CHAPTER 1
Big Dummy on Campus
Higher Education—they say it’s about making everyone smarter, but the following adventures seem to indicate otherwise. So sit back and thrill to the adventures of the following collegians, who while they may not graduate Summa Cum Laude, may graduate Summa Cum Dummy, if they graduate at all. And for all you folks in college right now: do any of this stuff, and your folks will instantly cut off your tuition. And that would be pretty darn terrible.
The Greatest Scavenger Hunt in the Universe
There are scavenger hunts, and then there are scavenger hunts. And then there is the annual University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt, the biggest, baddest hunt of them all. Nationally recognized, every year the judges of the scavenger hunt—part of an official student group at the university—present a list of some of the strangest objects and most bizarre tasks that humans can legally find or do. Students from the University of Chicago then get them or perform them in front of judges. The whole shebang takes just three days, but the side effects last a lifetime. Below you’ll find some choice selections from recent U. of C. Scavenger Hunt lists. You have to be smart to do stuff this dumb:
•Find the tallest person you can find. Seriously. As simple as that. The team that presents the judges with the tallest person gets the points. Also, throw in the hairiest chest, the biggest ears, the longest tongue, the worst tanline, the webbedest toes, the longest eyelashes, the most nipples, the longest hair, the longest nails, and the most different-colored eyes. Everything must be real, and it goes without saying that bonus points are awarded if one person has all of these aesthetic features.