collages and Isabella needed to get even for that,
as well. (Remember? That’s how she rolls. Oh man, I
want a way to roll.)
105
So this is why today, right after school,
Isabella ran out to the parking lot, got down on her
hands and knees, and crawled up to Miss Anderson’s
car. Her plan was to let the air out of one of the
tires so she couldn’t make it over to the party. But
here’s the thing: Bruntford was already there letting
the air out herself.
106
Why? Right? I mean WHY??? You know
why? You want to know why? Isabella asked
her why. And you know what she said? Because Aunt
Carol is her friend. For whatever weird reason that
friends like each other, the two of them just hit
it off. It was LIKE AT FIRST SIGHT. Bruntford
did it for her friend. And in that moment, she and
Isabella were just . . . normal humans. They were
two people who were enjoying a beautiful crime
together. Bruntford even gave Isabella a ride over
to my house.
107
We came out of the bathroom just as Angeline
was walking in. INTO MY HOUSE. And her hands
were, probably for the first time ever, dirty. And
what was Angeline doing here? And why were here
hands dirty?
108
Fortunately, I had the assistant principal
there to get to the bottom of things.
“Where were you, Angeline? Why are your
hands so dirty?”
“I stopped to help Miss Anderson fix a flat on
her car,” she said. OH, HO! THAT FIGURES! ! !
Leave it to Angeline to help the enemy.
“So, uh, where is Miss Anderson?” Aunt
Carol asked in a tone that suggested she hoped an
escaped tiger was involved.
109
“I guess I wasn’t much help,” Angeline said.
“I lost the nuts, and we couldn’t attach the spare
tire to the car. Miss Anderson apologized. She said
she would probably miss the party.”
“Go wash your hands, Angeline,” Mr. Devon
said. “I have a little announcement.”
110
Isabella watched Angeline walk through
my actual house, which was now full of actual
teachers. When she got back, we found out what the
little announcement was:
Assistant Principal Devon slid his hand
around Aunt Carol’s waist and said, “I’d like to
introduce you all to the future Mrs. Devon. Carol
and I are engaged.”
Angeline went over and hugged Assistant
Principal Devon and said:
"Congratulations, Uncle Dan."
UNCLE DAN?
Angeline is his NIECE? It all made sense.
Angeline knew about this. She knew that I’m
Aunt Carol’s niece. Does that mean we're
related? At the very least, we’re co-nieces.
Mom said nothing can get under your skin like
a relative. So did Isabella. Angeline and I are
now . . . cousins? Second cousins? Something like
that. Anyway, Angeline will be my aunt’s niece, as I
am. Angeline knew all of this, and was taking some
sort of sick delight in it —I just knew it.
111
My mom cried. Bruntford attempted
Gigglecide against Isabella, and this time,it
looked . . . okay for some reason. Like, it wasn’t
so weird seeing Bruntford happy.
The teachers clapped and laughed and raised
their glasses. Angeline came and stood next to me
and I think that she may have been doing it just
to look clean and lovely and bright in comparison.
From this moment on, I would never be able to be
the clean and lovely and bright one. At best, all I
can hope for is SECOND FILTHIEST, and NOT
THE DUMBEST.
It was as though nobody on earth could fully
grasp the tragedy of me being related to Angeline.
Except maybe Stinker, who chose this exact
moment to sum up how I was feeling by walking into
the living room and cutting the fart he had been
baking for three weeks.
We had to run outside and watch through
the windows as Stinker ate the incredibly delicious
appetizers off everybody’s plates. He had planned
this all along. I just know it. Nobody was willing to
go back into the house. Nobody could have. Well-
played, Stinker, you pungent skunk-hound.
I thought Mom was going to totally freak
out. She had been planning this party for so long
and now all of her hard work was disappearing
down the gullet of a beagle. But then somebody
started laughing this loud, barking, out-of-control
laughter that just makes you laugh when you
It was Mr.VanDoy. There was something
about a house-clearing dog fart that finally got
to him. Dog farts. That’s right. That’s what makes
VanDoy smile. And laugh. And made everybody
else— including my mom— laugh, which
considering how much time she had spent on her
appetizers, was pretty amazing.
113
I went over to congratulate my Aunt Carol.
My heart wasn’t in it, but she was so happy that
I almost couldn’t bring myself to say something
mean about Angeline.
But I have a lot of willpower so I did anyway.
“You know, Angeline was trying to help Miss
Anderson get to your party today. That’s pretty
lousy, don’t you think? Trying to wreck your special
moment?” And Aunt Carol just laughed.
She said, “Jamie, the other day I was over
at Dan’s house, and Angeline changed the oil in
my car. The girl knows her way around a wrench. If
Angeline lost the nuts, she lost them on purpose.”
Then it became clear to me. Isabella and Miss
Bruntford had slowed Miss Anderson down, but
Angeline must have seen her changing the tire and
knew she’d make it here and spoil this moment for
my Aunt Carol. So Angeline pretended to help and
she lost the nuts on purpose. She did it because she
knows that Assistant Principal Devon and Aunt
Carol belong together. She wasn’t mad the other
day that Miss Anderson had chosen my valentine,
she was mad that Miss Anderson was butting in.
114
Although I still think she was partially
motivated by being able to make me look bad. From
now on I have to make sure that my gruesome little
cousin attends all family functions so that I can
carry him around like an accessory. That’s got to
help a little.
115
Eventually, Miss Anderson did stop by. She
got a ride from the tow-truck guy that came to
help her with her car. She talked and giggled with
Assistant Principal Devon and Aunt Carol like
nothing had ever happened. And since the tow-
truck guy was a total hottie, Isabella says that Miss
Anderson is not g
oing to hold a grudge against us.
And let’s face it — Isabella is an expert on grudges.
I sat down on the porch and watched
everybody mingle on the front lawn and laugh.
to figure out if adults could become human, and I
finally realized that they couldn’t.
But I also realized that humans can’t become
adults, either.
116
Here’s how I see it: We all get mad, we all
care about our friends, and we all have a selfish
side. But animals have all those things, too. The
difference is that we humans laugh about stuff,
and we laugh like crazy. It was Mr.VanDoy that made
me ask the question: Can adults become human?
And it was Mr. VanDoy that helped me answer
it. Here, tonight, at my house, everybody was a
human. There were no adults.
So exactly what are adults and where do they
come from? I have no idea, but I am pretty sure that
I do not want to go there.
Who would have believed that a beagle fart
could open your eyes and make them burn at the
same time?
Thanks for listening, Dumb Diary.
117
scholastic.com
About Jim Benton
Jim Benton is not a middle-school girl, but do
not hold that against him. He has managed to
make a living out of being funny, anyway.
He is the creator of many licensed properties,
some for big kids, some for little kids, and some
for grown-ups who, frankly, are probably behaving
like little kids.
You may already know his properties: It’s
Happy Bunny™ or Catwad™, and of course you
already know about Dear Dumb Diary.
He’s created a kids’ TV series, designed
clothing, and written books.
Jim Benton lives in Michigan with his spectac-
ular wife and kids. They do not have a dog, and
they especially do not have a vengeful beagle.
This is his first series for Scholastic.
Jamie Kelly has no idea that Jim Benton, or
you, or anybody is reading her diaries. So, please,
please, please don’t tell her.
www.scholastic.com/deardumbdiary