To the staff of One Girl Cookie in Dumbo, Brooklyn, where a large portion of this book was written: Thank you for letting me sit for hours with my laptop in your establishment and for not saying anything about the fact that I was ordering wine and cake at two in the afternoon.
Thank you to my brother and sister for being Kleins with me and for putting up with a sibling who writes.
Michael: Thank you for being the best and happiest story of my life, and for reminding me, always always always, that more heart is the way to go.
And to the Roo: Thank you for being the sweetest, greatest Roo in the whole world.
Lastly:
My parents spent countless hours teaching me to read and write. My mother was an English teacher who patiently taught me where to put my periods and commas, and my father, who loves books more than anyone I know, taught me from an early age that books are precious and should be handled gently, “like butterflies.”
This butterfly exists because of, and for, them.
About the Author
Jessi Klein is the Emmy- and Peabody Award–winning head writer and an executive producer of Comedy Central’s critically acclaimed series Inside Amy Schumer. She’s also written for Amazon’s Transparent as well as Saturday Night Live. She has been featured on the popular storytelling series The Moth, and has been a regular panelist on NPR’s Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! She’s been published in Esquire and Cosmopolitan, and has had her own half-hour Comedy Central stand-up special.
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Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Tom Man
The Bath
Walking Through the Cloud
Dale
How to Get Older
All the Cakes
Bar Method and the Secrets of Beautiful Women
Poodle vs. Wolf
The Cad
Anthropologie
Types
The Bachelor
Connie
Carole King and the Saddest To-Do List Ever
The Lingerie Dilemma
How to Get Engaged
The Wedding Dress
Long Day’s Journey into Porn
Leap of Faith
Ma’am
How I Became a Comedian
Dogshit
Get the Epidural
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Newsletter
Copyright
Certain names and identifying characteristics have been changed.
Copyright © 2016 by Jessi Klein
Cover design by Jay Shaw
Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact permissions@hbg.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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First Edition: July 2016
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Klein, Jessi, 1975-
Title: You'll grow out of it / Jessi Klein.
Description: First edition. | New York : Grand Central Publishing, 2016.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016009270| ISBN 9781455531189 (hardback) | ISBN
9781478936619 (audio cd) | ISBN 9781478983798 (audio download) | ISBN
9781455531196 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Klein, Jessi, 1975- | Women comedians--United
States--Biography. | BISAC: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Entertainment &
Performing Arts. | BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Women. | HUMOR / Form /
Essays.
Classification: LCC PN2287.K6725 A3 2016 | DDC 792.702/8092 [B] --dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016009270
ISBNs: 978-1-4555-3118-9 (hardcover), 978-1-4555-6856-7 (int’l), 978-1-4555-3119-6 (ebook)
E3 20160506-DA-PC