The message, then, to all you ex-public-schoolboys out there is clear. Do not, when you have time to kill, wander into a record shop and fill your basket with albums that you used to enjoy, late at night, in study eight. Snow Goose sounds daft. Yessongs is idiotic. Focus are now a bunch of hasbeens and Golden Earring only had one hit for a reason. But Greenslade are the worst of the lot.
And it’s the same story with cars. Just because you remember your Alfasud so fondly, do not imagine that you’ll get the same thrill from it now, after you’ve been exposed to the delights of a Golf GTi and a BMW 325.
Your first car may well have been an MG but drive one today and you won’t rekindle a lost youth. You’ll simply get a headache and wet. And then it will break down.
However, there are some albums which, through punk, disco, grunge, rap, Wet Wet Wet, techno and heavy metal, continue to sound fresh and pertinent. I’m listening to Crime of the Century right now, and Dark Side of the Moon is another case in point. And that’s without dipping into early Stones, Who and Led Zep. Or even James Brown and Beethoven for that matter.
Some bands and individuals, for whatever reason, just don’t date.
So what about cars? Are there any which, if you could buy them new today, would not feel disgraced by modern-day techno marvels?
Assuming that we could do the automotive equivalent of digital remastering, by which I mean building them properly and incorporating air conditioning and electric windows, is there a single car out there which wouldn’t feel as dead as something dead?
I’m struggling here. I recently drove an Aston Martin DB5 and can only liken it to Barclay James Harvest’s live double album from 1974.
My first car was a Fort Cortina 1600E which, though I haven’t driven one for seventeen years, I’m sure would feel like Rick Wakeman on wheels.
However, I have ended up with a list of four cars which have managed to bulldoze their way through fashion and the sea of technological change. Sure, they’ve been digitally remastered along the way and are now bought on DAT rather than scratched vinyl, but they’ve made it.
All are still in production even though each has remained basically the same. And they are the Porsche 911, the Mini, the Range Rover and the Jaguar XJS.
They are the motorised supergroups. Here we have Jagger and Richards in metal. By keeping fit, staying alive and adapting, they feel every bit as good today as they did when Labour were in power.
And that makes me wonder some more: what if they’d persevered with, say, the Volkswagen K70? What if it was now available with a catalytic converter and fuel injection? What if they’d changed the dashboard a little bit every now and again and added height-adjustable seatbelts? If they’d done all this, would the K70 feel good today?
No, I don’t think so. Here we have Dave Greenslade with an engine; a car that would only be available on import to sad, sad old hippies who liken modern cars to modern music and dismiss both groups as characterless rubbish.
It was while I was sitting watching the Doobie Brothers qat Wembley last week that the answer came. Old cars are fine… so long as they were made yesterday.
20 Things You Always Wanted to Know about Jeremy Clarkson
What is your everyday car?
Ford Escort
How many miles a year do you drive?
20–30,000
What’s the most fun you’ve ever had in a car?
Doing the Rubicon Trail in a Jeep Wrangler
Do you prefer front/rear/four-wheel drive and why?
Couldn’t care less – handling is unimportant
What one car, cost no object, would you most like to drive every day for the next 12 months?
Aston Martin Vantage
What car should never have got past the prototype stage?
Nearly all cars in current production
You’ve got a CD stacker in the boot of your car and a drive across Europe planned – which six CDs do you take?
Bob Seger – Night Moves
Bob Seger – Nine Tonight
Bob Seger – Live Bullet
Bob Seger – Fire Inside
Bob Seger – Smokin’ OPs
Doobie Brothers – Captain and Me
If someone borrowed your car, which tape – or radio station – would they find playing?
Radio Four, I suppose, ’cos my wife likes it
Who is your hero?
Auberon Waugh
If you were a car, what car would you be?
1979 Ford Granada Ghia
What is your favourite quote, or line from a song?
Then ten years have got behind you,
No one told you when to run,
You missed the starting gun
(Pink Floyd, ‘Dark Side of the Moon’)
What did you want to be when you grew up?
King
What was the worst job you ever had?
Road-testing the Toyota Corolla
What is the bravest thing you have ever done?
I never do brave things
What is your greatest achievement?
Going five years through public school and never once playing cricket
Who would you most like to see gunged?
Lynn Faulds-Wood
What was/is your favourite ‘children’s’ TV programme?
Paddington Bear
Who or what always makes you laugh?
Auberon Waugh
You’re in a rapidly descending hot-air balloon with Jeremy Beadle, Jeremy Clarkson and Jeremy Paxman and you have to throw one out to stop it crashing – who goes first?
This is not fair
Table of Contents
Book Jacket
Part 1
Part 2
Acknowledgements
Dear Diary
Golf GTi Loses Its Crown
Dishing It Out
Cars in Review
Big Boys’ Toys
Mobile Phones
Last Year’s Model
Watch It
JMC NO
Big Bikes
Invaders from Can
The Revenger
Charades
Pedal Pusher
Girls and Rubber
Rat Boy
In a Flap
Sweet White Wine
The Best Man
Racing Jaguars
Non-Sleeker Celica
Green Machine
Democratic Party
Cat Lover
Goodbye to All That
Down, Rover
History Lesson
Ski’s the Limit
The One That I Want
Global Warming
People’s Limousine
Radio Daze
Horse Power
Non-Passive Smoking
S-Classy
Would You Buy a Used Alfa from This Man?
A Question of Sports
Volvo Shock
No Free Lunch
Are Cars Electric?
Cruel to be Kind
An Able Ford
Train Strain
Cruising Soundtrack
Big
What to Buy?
All Change
Sex on Wheels
In a Car Crash
Speed Kills
What’s That Then?
I Had That Geezer from Top Gear in the Back Once
Acceleration Times are a Bit Nonsensical
Adverts Versus the Truth
Politicians and Style Motors
Do the British Love Cars?
Lancia Out of the UK
So What’s the Big Deal with the Beetle Then?
Just What is It about the BMW?
Where’s all the Style Gone?
Hondas are Bought by Old People
Why Do People Drive Differently All Over the UK?
You Can Tell What People Drive by the Shoes They Wear
The New Ferrari 355
Sitting on a Porsche
Clarkson’s Highway Code
Why aren’t Car Ads Aimed at Old People?
The New Range Rover Looks Like a Taxi
Princess Diana Drives Audi Sales Up
Star Car – Alfa Romeo Spider
Routefinder Satellite Technology
The Pickup Truck Phenomenon
Safety Measures – Who Needs Them?
Speed
Nasty Nissans
Road Rage
The New Jaguar
Stop Thief; Not Me
Go West, Young Man
Who Gives a Damn about the Countryside?
Are Fast Cars a Problem?
Car Pools won’t Work
The Mondeo V6 is Very Good – Really
Name That Car
Bull Bars Should be Banned
Buttons are Not Just for Christmas
Don’t Get Noticed
Gadgets
Formula One Racing – as Dull as Ever
Can You Really Own a Lotus?
Soft Tops
Ugly Cars Got No Reason
Why are Van Drivers Mad?
A Christmas Tale
Greenslade – Music and Cars
20 Things You Always Wanted to Know about Jeremy Clarkson