9 Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Please see chapter 6 in Bitter Is the New Black for more details.
10 German death metal, precisely as bad as you’d think.
11 Best. Holiday movie. Ever.
12 Naturally, located in my parents’ driveway.
13 Christmas ’82.
14 Fourth of July ’86.
15 Christmas ’97.
16 Thanksgiving ’98.
17 Labor Day ’99.
18 Our dogs hate my brother’s dog and we avoid incidents by keeping them separated.
19 Big Daddy likes to keep the house at a bracing forty-two degrees. The one Christmas the heat went out, we didn’t even notice for a couple of days.
1 Last seen strolling hand in hand down Trader Joe’s wine aisle, shouting, “Hell, yes, we need more fucking Merlot!”
2 I’d like to think my discovery of the dessert aisle at Whole Foods helped propel us, sweaty and jiggling, over the finish line to beat other porky places like Houston and Kansas City.
3 I imagine a bunch of people in Macy’s smocks, scratching their heads wondering what happened to my towropes.
4 Oprah’s a member!
6 You’d think because they know my name, I’d know theirs…yet here we are.
7 Shoot, I’m not even sure what he does for a living.
8 Actually, I’d prefer if he didn’t swear. I find profanity unpleasant. Heh, kidding!
9 Who I’m already mentally referring to as “Mary-Kate.”
10 Surprisingly good for a fat chick, yay, me!
11 Rather, one of us walks—the other limps.
12 Which is so not fair.
13 Bitch has yet to perspire and she’s bundled in multiple layers of fleece. I, on the other hand, have stripped off so many items I’m down to sweaty granny panties.
14 I also cried for glasses of wine, but they were more recreational than medicinal.
15Or, for that matter, lift my leg high enough to kick her in the ass.
1 Although our neighborhood is safe, it’s also not stylish, and is therefore ignored by the cab companies. I’ve already mentally composed twenty scathing letters to Mayor Daley about the situation.
2 A.k.a. “belowdeck.”
3 Or Fletch, for that matter.
4 Cubs win!
6 Boobies. Arrgh. What is this, fourth grade?
7 Depths may be plumbed, but not on the lake’s floor.
Table of Contents
Author’s Note
Sucks and the City
Church of the Magnificent Mile
The Butterfly Effect
All Quiet on the Westerville Front
Tuesday Afternoon Drinking Club
The Neocon Express
The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Rachael Ray
Jen Hollywood
Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ (and Bruisin’)
Loathe Thy Neighbor
My So-Called (Superficial) Life
Loser? Yes, but Not the Biggest
I Love the Smell of Cardboard in the Morning
Maisy and Me: Life and Love with the World’s Most Spoiled Dog
No Molestar The Attack of the Sock-Monkey Pajamas
The Holiday Drinking Season
The Marquis de Sade in Mary-Kate Clothing
Be Witch
Acknowledgments