get signed to a record label. Then he’ll quit
school and just do the band full-time.
It sounds like a terrible plan to me, but I
think Dad is pretty open to the idea.
194
Wednesday
Tonight was the big Winter Talent Show. I didn’t
want to go, and neither did Dad. But Mom made
us both go to show our support for Rodrick.
Rodrick and Mom went to the school early to
bring some stuff that Rodrick’s band needed, so
Dad had to ride in the band’s van with Bill. And
Dad wasn’t too thrilled when he ran into his boss
in the school parking lot.
The show kicked off at 7:00, and let me just
say, I think it was a really bad idea to combine
the three schools for this thing.
Hiya,
Frank!
195
They ended up having kindergartners singing
songs to their teddy bears followed by eighteen-
year-olds doing speed metal guitar solos.
I don’t think Dad approved of Larry Larkin
and all his piercings. Halfway through Larry’s
guitar solo, Dad leaned over and whispered to
the man sitting next to him.
And now for
Larry Larkin's
performance of
"carnage."
scoot
scoot
What's the worst
thing that kid up
there could say
to you?
What?
196
I wish I had time to warn Dad that the guy
he was talking to was Larry’s father.
Another problem with combining the schools was
that there were too many acts, and the show
went on forever.
At 9:30 they decided to start running two acts
at the same time to keep the show moving along.
Sometimes it worked out all right, like when they
had Patty Farrell tap-dancing while Spencer Kitt
was juggling. But other times it didn’t work out
too good, like when Terrence James played a
harmonica on a unicycle while Charise Kline read
her poem about global warming.
Rodrick’s band was the last act to take the stage.
"Hi, Dad!"
197
Before the show, Rodrick asked me to videotape his
band during their act, but I told him no way.
He’s been such a jerk to me lately that I can’t
believe he was trying to hit me up for a favor. So
Mom volunteered for camera duty.
Rodrick’s band got paired up with Harry Gilbertson,
the roller-skating kid. And I’m sure Rodrick wasn’t
too happy about that.
I noticed Dad wasn’t sitting next to me while
Rodrick’s band played, so I looked around for him.
Who's ready to
rrrrrocccckkkkk?
I am!
198
Dad was standing in the back of the gym with
cotton balls sticking out of his ears, and he stayed
there until the song was over.
After Rodrick’s band performed, they handed out
the awards. Rodrick’s band didn’t win anything,
but Harry Gilbertson walked away with the prize
for “Best Musical Act.”
199
But you’ll never guess who the Grand Prize Winner
was: Rowley’s babysitter, Leland.
He won for his ventriloquist act, because the judges
said it was “wholesome.”
I never thought I’d agree with Rodrick on
anything, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe
he was right about Leland being a nerd after all.
After the show, Rodrick’s band came back to our
house to watch the videotape of their performance.
They were all grumbling about how they got
“robbed,” and how the judges don’t know the first
thing about rock and roll.
Hey, who's
the dummy
here?
200
So their plan was to just mail the videotape off
to some record labels and let their performance
speak for itself.
They all sat down in front of the tv and
Rodrick put the tape in the machine. But it took
about thirty seconds for everyone to realize the
tape was worthless.
You know how Rodrick asked Mom to videotape the
show? Well, she did a pretty good job of filming, but
she talked nonstop during the first two minutes. And
the camera picked up every little comment she made.
That shirt makes
Rodrick's arms look
so skinny!
201
Every time Bill stuck out his tongue and flicked it
up and down like a rock star, you could hear Mom
ring in with her opinion.
In fact, the only time Mom stopped talking was
when Rodrick did his drum solo. But during that
part, the camera was shaking around so much that
you couldn’t even see anything.
At first, Rodrick and his bandmates were really
mad. But then one of them remembered that the
school taped the Talent Show, and it’s supposed to
be on the local cable channel tomorrow night.
I guess that means they’ll all be coming back over
to watch that.
I don't
like that!
202
Thursday
Well, things have gotten really bad for me in
the last few hours.
Rodrick and his bandmates came over around 7:00
tonight to watch the Talent Show on tv. They
sat through the whole three-hour show until their
band came on.
The school actually did a decent job of taping the
performance, and things were looking pretty good
up until Rodrick’s drum solo.
That’s when Mom started dancing. And whoever was
doing the filming zoomed right in on Mom, and kept
the camera pointed at her for the rest of the song.
snap
snap
203
That meant Rodrick didn’t have anything he
could send to record companies. And he was really
mad about it, too.
At first he was mad at Mom for messing things up.
But Mom said that if Rodrick didn’t want people to
dance, he shouldn’t play music.
Then Rodrick turned on me. He said this was all
my fault, because if I just taped the show like he
asked me to, none of this would’ve happened.
But I told him that maybe if he wasn’t such a
jerk, I would have done it for him.
We started to yell at each other. Mom and Dad
broke us up, and then they sent Rodrick down to
his room and me up to mine.
204
But a couple of hours later I went downstairs,
and I ran into Rodrick in the kitchen. He was
smiling, so I knew something was up.
Rodrick told me my “secret was out.”
At first, I didn’t know what he was talking
about. But then I got it: He was talking about
the thing that happened to me this summer.
I ran down to the basement, and I picked up
Rodrick’s phone to see if he had made any
calls. And sure enough, it looked like he had
&n
bsp; called every friend of his who had a brother
or sister my age.
By tomorrow morning, everyone at my
school will know the story. And I’m sure Rodrick
exaggerated the facts to make the story sound
even worse.
205
Now that my secret’s out there, I want to put
on record what really happened, and not
Rodrick’s twisted version.
So here it goes.
Over the summer, me and Rodrick had to stay
with Grandpa at his condo in Leisure Towers for
a few days. But there was nothing to do,
and I was going bonkers.
I was so bored, I broke out my old journal and
started to write in it. But taking out a book
that said “diary” on the cover in front of
Rodrick was a huge mistake.
ha!
swipe
206
Rodrick stole my journal and made a run for it.
He probably would have made it into the bathroom
and locked the door if someone hadn’t left
Gutbusters sitting out.
I scooped the book off the floor and ran out
into the hallway and down the stairwell. Then,
I ducked into the bathroom in the main lobby
and locked myself in a stall.
I kept my feet off the floor so that if Rodrick
came in, he wouldn’t know I was in there.
I knew that if Rodrick got ahold of my journal, it
would be a nightmare. So I decided to just rip the
whole thing into tiny little pieces and flush them
down the toilet. It was better to just destroy the
thing than risk Rodrick getting his hands on it.
GAAAH!
trip
207
But as soon as I started ripping pages out of the
book, I heard the bathroom door open. I thought
it was Rodrick, so I just stayed completely still.
I didn’t hear anything, so I peeked over the top
of the stall to see what was going on. That’s when
I saw a woman standing in front of the mirror,
putting on makeup.
I figured the lady just accidentally wandered into
the men’s room, because people at Leisure Towers are
always doing stuff like that.
208
I was about to speak up and tell this lady she
was in the wrong bathroom, but right then
someone else walked in. And guess what? It was
another woman.
That’s when I realized that I was the one who
messed up, and I was in the women’s bathroom.
I prayed that those ladies would just wash their
hands and leave so I could make a run for it.
But they sat down in the stalls on either side of me.
And every time one woman would leave the bathroom,
someone else would come in and take their place.
So I couldn’t leave.
209
If Rowley thinks he had it bad when those kids
made him eat the Cheese, he should try being
stuck in the Leisure Towers ladies’ room for an
hour and a half.
I guess someone eventually heard me in there, and
they reported me to the front desk. Within a few
minutes, word got around the building that there
was a “Peeping Tom” in the women’s room.
By the time security came in and got me out of
there, everyone who lived in Leisure Towers was
down in the lobby. And Rodrick saw the whole
thing unfold upstairs on Grandpa’s tv.
210
Now that the story was out, I knew I couldn’t
show my face at school. So I told Mom she was
gonna have to transfer me somewhere else, and
I told her why.
Mom said I shouldn’t worry about what other
people think. She told me that my classmates
would understand that I had just made an
“honest mistake.”
So that just proves once and for all that Mom
doesn’t understand a thing about kids my age.
Now I’m kicking myself for not keeping up my
pen-pal relationship with Mamadou. Because if me
and him had stayed in touch, maybe I could have
gone to France as an exchange student and hid
out there for a few years.
211
All I know is, the one place I don’t want to
go tomorrow is school. And it looks like that’s
exactly where I’m headed.
Friday
The craziest thing happened today. When I
walked in the door at school, a bunch of guys cornered
me, and I braced myself for the teasing to start.
congratulating me.
comment
allez-
vous?
yeah,
whatever!
Everyone was shaking my hand and patting me on
the back, and I didn’t know what was going on.
With all those guys talking to me at the same
time, it took me a while to make sense of anything.
But here’s what must have happened.
The story Rodrick told his friends got passed on
to their brothers and sisters, and then they
told their friends.
But by the time word spread around, all the
details got totally messed up.
So the story went from me accidentally walking
into the women’s bathroom at Leisure Towers to
me infiltrating the girls’ locker room at Crossland
high school.
213
I couldn’t believe everything got twisted like
that, but I wasn’t about to set the record
straight, either.
All of the sudden, I was the hero at school. I
even got a nickname. People were calling me the
“Stealthinator.”
Someone even made me a Stealthinator headband,
and you better believe I wore it. Things like this
never happen to me, so I wasn’t gonna pass
up my moment of glory.
snap
214
And for the first time ever, I knew what it
felt like to be the most popular kid at school.
Unfortunately, the girls weren’t as impressed
with me as the guys were. In fact, I think I
might have a little trouble getting someone to go
to the Valentine’s Dance with me.
smack
you're
disgusting!
215
Monday
You know how Rodrick wanted his band to get
noticed? Well, he kind of got his wish, because
everybody knows who Löded Diper is now.
I guess somebody must have thought the tape of
Mom cutting loose at the Talent Show was pretty
funny, because it’s all over the Internet. And
now everyone knows Rodrick Heffley as the drummer
from the “Dancing Mom” video.
Ever since, Rodrick’s been hiding out in the
basement, waiting for the whole thing to blow
over. And I have to admit, I do feel kind of
sorry for him.
I’m getting teased about the video at school,
too, but at least I’m not in it.
216
And even though Rodrick can be a huge jerk
sometimes, he is my brother.
Tomorrow is the Science Fair, and if Rodric
k doesn’t
turn in a project, he’s gonna flunk out of school.
So that’s why I offered to help him out with his
project, but just this one last time. We worked
together all night, and I don’t mean to brag,
but we did a really good job.
Anyway, when Rodrick gets First Prize tomorrow
and passes Science, I just hope he realizes how
lucky he is to have a brother like me.
Do plants sneeze?
hypothesis
experiment
conclusion
plants
probably
sneeze.
feathers
pepper
feet
Plants
don't
sneeze.