ONE battery.
140
And it turned out I was RIGHT. I knew I was
gonna have to finish all the chores before Mom
and Dad got home, but I figured I had plenty
of time and I deserved to enjoy myself for a
little while. So I made myself comfortable on their
bed and turned on the TV.
Ordinarily I get a little weirded out being in
Mom and Dad’s bed, but today I decided to make
an exception. ESPECIALLY when I realized one
of their blankets was the one we got from Aunt
Dorothy for Christmas.
Watching TV in bed was AWESOME, or at least
for a WHILE. I was comfortable for the FIRST
two hours, but after that my neck started
hurting from lying in that position.
141
I’ve already decided that when I get a place
of my own, I’m gonna attach my TV to the
CEILING so I can look straight UP at it. But
I’m gonna have someone install the TV who knows
what they’re DOING, because I don’t need to
be the next Flat Stanley.
I must’ve dozed off for a while, because when the
phone rang it startled me. It was MOM, and
I figured she was checking in on me to see if I’d
finished my chores.
But the reason she was calling was to tell me she
couldn’t make it home in time to pick up Manny at
daycare, so she was gonna have Mrs. Drummond
drop Manny off at the HOUSE.
142
That meant I had to BABYSIT, which was
gonna really mess up the rest of my day.
When Mrs. Drummond dropped off Manny a half
hour later, I didn’t know what to DO with
him. I put Manny in Mom and Dad’s room and
turned on some cartoons, but he followed me back
downstairs. So I guess Manny just wanted to be
with ME.
I tried to remember what Rodrick used to do
with me when I was little. But all I could think
of was the time he gave me lemon juice and told me
it was SODA.
143
Then I remembered a game me and Rodrick used
to play that was actually FUN. We pretended
the floor was LAVA, and we had to stay OFF of
it by using cushions and pillows from the couch.
Me and Rodrick used to play that game for
HOURS. I figured if I got Manny started, he
could keep himself entertained while I wrapped up
my chores. But when I told Manny how the game
WORKED, he totally freaked out.
144
So now Manny wouldn’t go anywhere near the
FLOOR. And that made things really inconvenient
for me.
But I still had to do my chores, or I’d be in
trouble when Mom and Dad got home. And I had
a BIG one in front of me, which was shoveling
the driveway.
I knew Manny would have a total meltdown if I
left him inside with all that lava, so I got him
dressed in his snow gear, which wasn’t easy.
I figured Manny could play on the back deck
while I shoveled the driveway, and he’d be safe
because the deck is closed in.
The snow in the driveway was wet and heavy, and
hour, I decided to take a break and soak my
hands in some warm water.
While I was inside, I figured I’d check and see
how Manny was doing out on the back deck. But
Manny was GONE. He had built a little staircase
out of snow to escape.
146
Thankfully, he didn’t get FAR. But I realized I
couldn’t leave him ALONE anymore.
I took Manny to the front yard with me. It
was getting late, and Dad gets REALLY mad
when the driveway’s not cleared when he comes
home from work.
So I shoveled as fast as I could, and Manny
pitched in to help.
147
But there was just too much snow, and not
enough TIME. I was ready to give up when some
girls from a different neighborhood walked by and
offered to clear our driveway for ten bucks.
These kids looked YOUNG, and I didn’t see how
they could do any better than me and Manny. But
we could use all the help we could get, so I was
willing to give them a CHANCE.
I had five dollars in the drawer next to my bed,
and I got the other five from the big jar of
change Manny has in his room. But what I didn’t
realize when I agreed to the deal with those girls
was that they had a SNOWBLOWER.
So they were done clearing the whole driveway
inside of five minutes.
I felt like I was getting ripped off, so I told
them I’d pay them three bucks instead of ten.
But I guess this wasn’t the FIRST time someone
tried to stiff them on payment. They moved all
the snow BACK into the driveway and added the
snow from the front lawn just to make a point.
149
By the time my PARENTS got home, things
were worse off than when I STARTED.
After dinner, Mom and Dad lectured me until
about eight o’clock for not finishing my chores.
And that’s when Rodrick got out of bed to
start his day.
150
Saturday
I usually sleep IN on weekends, but this morning
Mom had OTHER plans for me.
She said I was going to spend the whole day
OUTSIDE. I told her I’d go out in the
snow after I played some video games, but she
reminded me about Screen-Free Weekends, and I
knew she wasn’t gonna budge.
When I was younger, I could spend HOURS
playing in the snow. But nowadays, after about
ten minutes, I’m ready to come inside.
Grown-ups act like being in the snow is the most
fun you can ever have. But you never see THEM
out there rolling around in it.
151
I can only remember one time Dad played
with us out in the snow. But THAT ended the
second Rodrick dumped snow down the back of
Dad’s NECK.
Mom’s ALWAYS making us kids go outside,
because she says we need our vitamin D, which you
get from the sun. I tell Mom I get PLENTY
of vitamin D from the sun in my video games, but
that kind of reasoning never works on her.
When I went outside today, Manny was
already in the front yard making snowmen, or
WHATEVER you’d call those things.
We never finished raking the lawn in the fall,
so Manny used the leaves we didn’t pick up to
decorate his snow friends.
153
Manny had used up most of the snow in the yard,
so there wasn’t a whole lot I could even DO
outside. I decided to head up to Rowley’s, which
meant I had to pass by FREGLEY’S house.
And sure enough, he was out in his front yard.
The reason I went to Rowley’s was because his family
just got heated floors. So on cold days, I try to
spend as much time at his house as POSSIBLE
.
154
But Mom must’ve KNOWN I was gonna go to
Rowley’s, because she called his parents and he was
outside when I got there.
As long as we both had to be outdoors, I figured
we should make the most of it. Since I’d already
done all the hard work of getting up the hill, I
told Rowley we should get in a little sledding.
The plow usually comes through by late morning,
so we can only get in a few good runs before the
street is cleared. But the regular plow guy was
on VACATION, and the kids at the top of the
hill told the SUBSTITUTE driver that Surrey
Street was two miles down the road. So that
bought us some extra time.
155
I don’t actually think it’s a good idea to mess
around with substitutes, because it ALWAYS comes
back to bite you. Last year we had a long-term
sub in Algebra, and on his first day, me and
my classmates all switched seats with each other
because we knew the sub would be relying on the
seating chart.
156
I’ve gotta say, it was pretty hilarious having him
call us by the wrong names every day. But when
the kid pretending to be ME started acting like a
total JERK, it wasn’t so funny anymore.
And when our REAL teacher got back, the sub
gave her a write-up on the FAKE Greg Heffley,
which landed ME in detention for two weeks.
157
Rowley only has one sled, but there’s just enough
room on it for two people. We squeezed on board
and pointed it down the hill, but with all that
weight, we couldn’t really get any momentum.
When we got close to the bottom of the hill, we
came to a dead stop. But that was probably a
GOOD thing, because the kids who made it all the
way down got nailed by the Lower Surrey Street
kids when they crossed into their territory.
158
Things could’ve gotten a lot uglier, but then the
substitute snowplow driver figured out where Surrey
Street was, and that was the end of THAT.
By then I figured we had been outside long enough,
and we tried to go inside. But Mom had locked the
door, and I could tell she wasn’t messing around.
159
Since we couldn’t SLED anymore, we needed to
figure out something ELSE to do. So me and
Rowley went to the empty lot a few doors up from
my house to decide what to do NEXT.
I figured as long as we had to be outside, we
might as well stay WARM. At school, we watched
a movie about people in the Arctic who build
IGLOOS to survive in the cold weather, and I
thought maybe we could give it a try.
We made some snow bricks and stacked them the
way the people in the movie did. It was hard at
first, but then we started getting the HANG of
it. The main thing was getting the shape of the
dome just right so it didn’t COLLAPSE.
160
We were really careful, and everything held
together. But when we put in the last brick at
the top, we realized we forgot to build a DOOR.
Rowley started hyperventilating, and I knew if
I didn’t DO something, he was gonna suck up
all the oxygen in there. So I busted through the
top and took a big gulp of fresh air.
Some neighborhood kids had been watching us
build our igloo, and with my head sticking up, I
must’ve looked like an easy target.
161
After those idiots ran out of snowballs, they
climbed on top of the igloo. But it wasn’t meant
to support any extra weight, and within a few
seconds the whole thing came crashing down.
Me and Rowley were lucky to crawl out of there
ALIVE. Once we pulled ourselves out of our ruined
igloo, I decided that we’d had enough fun for one
day. So we went back to the house, and this time
Mom let us IN.
162
I told Mom what happened at the empty lot,
and how she needed to go out there and yell at
those stupid kids for us.
But Mom said that learning to deal with “conflict”
is part of growing up, and that me and Rowley
were gonna have to deal with this on our OWN.
I didn’t like the sound of THAT. I thought the
whole POINT of having parents is that you’ve
got someone to solve your problems FOR you.
Dad was listening from the other room, and he
had a TOTALLY different take. He said that
the neighborhood kids had just declared WAR on
me and Rowley, and if we didn’t fight BACK,
they’d think it was OK to attack us whenever
they WANTED.
163
Dad said that when HE was growing up, his
neighborhood turned into a BATTLEFIELD every
time it snowed. Kids built giant snow forts and
had epic snowball fights, and everyone was part of
a different “clan.”
Dad said each clan had its own FLAG, and when
you captured somebody else’s fort, you planted a
flag to mark your territory.
Well, Rowley thought WE should form a clan,
and he really liked this FLAG idea. I thought
it seemed kind of DUMB, but as long as making
a flag gave us an excuse to be INDOORS for a
while, I was all for it.
164
We found an old pillowcase in the laundry room,
and got some markers out of the junk drawer
in the kitchen. We started by trying to come up
with a NAME for our clan.
Rowley said he wanted us to be “Hufflepuff,” but
I said if we were gonna do this, I wanted our