151
I guess he seemed a little disappointed, but he
got over it pretty quick.
But tonight, when Dad got home from dinner,
he looked really mad. He plopped the newspaper
down in front of me on the kitchen table, and
here was the picture on the Sports page —
Did you
bend your
knees?
mm
hmm.
A “Blown”
Opportunity
Red Socks goalie
Gregory Heffley
takes a break from
the action as a fifty-
yard kick by Demon
Dawgs midfielder
James Byron rolls in.
The score ended the
Socks’ bid for an
undefeated season.
Apparently, Dad found out about the paper from
his boss at work.
ok, so maybe I didn’t tell Dad All the
details of the game.
In my defense, though, I didn’t really know
what happened until I read about it in the
paper myself.
Dad didn’t say a word to me for the rest of
the night. If he’s still mad at me, I just hope
he gets over it pretty quick. Twisted Wizard 2
finally came out today, and I’m kind of counting
on Dad to float me some money so I can get it.
Great son
you got
there, frank!
153
Friday
Tonight after dinner, Dad took me and Rodrick
out to a movie. It’s not because he was trying to
be nice, though. He just needed to get out of
the house.
Remember how I told you that Mom got on an
exercise kick a few months ago? Well, she quit
after her first class. Dad took a picture of Mom
decked out in all her exercise gear the first day
she went to the gym, and tonight the pictures
came in the mail.
The photo place gives you duplicate prints, so as
a joke Dad wrote labels on the two pictures of
Mom and put them up on the refrigerator.
154
Before
after
Well, Dad was pretty proud of himself for coming
up with that one, but Mom wasn’t so amused.
Heh
heh.
Anyway, I guess Dad felt like maybe it was a
good idea to put a little space between him and
Mom tonight.
155
We went to the new movie theater that just
opened at the mall. After we bought our tickets,
we went inside and gave them to the usher, who
was a teenager with a crew cut. I didn’t recognize
him at first, but apparently Dad did.
your
tickets,
sir.
I read the teenager’s name tag, and I couldn’t
believe my eyes. It was lenwood Heath,
the bad teenager who used to live on our street.
The last I saw him, he had long hair and he
was lighting someone’s trash on fire. But now
here he was, looking like he just graduated from
the Air Force or something.
156
Dad seemed ReAllY impressed with Lenwood’s
new look, and the two of them struck up a
conversation.
Lenwood said he’s been going to Spag Union
Military Academy, and he’s just working at the
movie theater for Spring Break. Then Lenwood
said he’s trying to get good grades at Spag
Union so he can get into West Point.
And all of a sudden Dad was treating Lenwood
like his new best friend. Which was really crazy,
especially considering the history between the
two of them.
before
after
157
Anyway, Dad kept chatting away with Lenwood,
so me and Rodrick just got our popcorn and
went in the theater. And it wasn’t until halfway
through the movie that I realized what was
If Dad saw how military school could make a man
out of a juvenile delinquent like Lenwood Heath,
then it wasn’t a stretch to think it could make a
man out of a wimp like me.
I’m just praying Dad isn’t having those thoughts.
Right now I’m pretty concerned, because after
the movie tonight, Dad was in the best mood
I’ve seen him in for a loNG time.
Monday
Well, it’s just like I feared. Dad spent the
whole weekend reading up on Spag Union, and
tonight he told me he’s gonna sign me up.
Here’s the worst part: “New recruits” have to
report on June 7th, when I’m supposed to be
on summer vacation.
Dad tried to convince me that this would be a
great thing for me, and how Spag Union would
really whip me into shape. But going off to boot
camp was not the way I was planning on
spending my school break.
I told Dad I won’t last a day at Spag Union.
First of all, they mix kids my age in with
teenagers, and that can’t be a good thing.
159
I’m sure the older kids would single me out on
the first day.
wimp!
snap
But what I’m actually a lot more concerned with is
the bathroom situation. I’ll bet Spag Union is one
of these places that has open showers with no
stall doors, and that kind of setup is not for me.
When it comes to the bathroom, I need my privacy.
I don’t even use the bathroom at school unless it’s
an absolute emergency.
160
A few classrooms in our school have bathrooms right
in them, but I can’t even use those, because every
little sound you make is broadcast to the whole room.
Hee hee hee hee!
squork
The only other option is to use the cafeteria
bathroom, and that place is a complete madhouse.
Somebody got the idea a few weeks ago to start
throwing wet toilet paper around, so now that
place is like a war zone.
splat!
bap
I can’t concentrate in that kind of an environment,
so I basically have to hold it until I get home
from school.
A couple of days ago, something happened that
changed the situation. The janitor put some new
air fresheners in the bathroom.
I started a rumor that the air fresheners were
actually security cameras to catch whoever was
throwing the wet toilet paper.
boys
I guess I must’ve told the right people, because
from that point on the cafeteria bathroom has
been quieter than the library.
162
I might’ve solved the bathroom problem at
school, but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to
pull off the same kind of trick at Spag Union.
And I seriously doubt I can hold it for
the whole summer.
I knew I wasn’t gonna convince Dad to change
his mind, so I went to Mom. I told her I didn’t
want to go to a place where they make you shave
your head and do push-ups each day at 5:00
eve
ry morning. I figured she’d agree with me and
talk some sense into Dad.
163
But it looks like Mom isn’t gonna be any help to
me after all.
i think you’d look
so handsome
in a uniform!
Wednesday
I knew I needed to do something quick to
convince Dad that I was tough and didn’t
need to go to military academy. So I told
him I wanted to join the Boy Scouts.
Dad seemed really enthusiastic about the idea, so
that was a relief.
Besides trying to find a way to get Dad off my
back, I have a couple of other reasons for wanting
to join the Boy Scouts. Number one, Boy Scout
meetings are on Sundays, so that means I can
quit soccer.
164
And number two, it’s about time I start getting
some respect from the other kids at school.
attenshun!
as you were,
gentlemen!
There are actually two Boy Scout troops in my
and Troop 133, which is about five miles down the
road. Troop 133 is always having hot dog roasts
and pool parties and stuff like that, but Troop 24
is constantly out doing community service projects
on the weekends. So I’m definitely more of a
Troop 133 kind of guy.
Now the trick is to make sure Dad doesn’t find
out about Troop 24, because he’ll make me sign
up with them for sure.
165
In fact, tonight we were driving to the mall,
and we passed Troop 24 cleaning up the park.
Luckily, I distracted Dad at the last second.
look! a
bald
eagle!
where?
where?
Sunday
Today was my first Boy Scout meeting, and luckily
it was with Troop 133. I got Rowley to sign up
with me, too. When we got to the lodge, we met
Mr. Barrett, the Scoutmaster. He asked me and
Rowley to say the Pledge of Allegiance and do a
bunch of other stuff, and we were in. Mr. Barrett
even gave us our uniforms.
Rowley was happy because he thought the uniform
was cool, but I was just happy to have a clean
shirt for a change.
166
After we put our uniforms on, we joined the rest
of the troop and started working on merit badges.
Merit badges are these little patches you get for
learning how to do all sorts of manly stuff.
Me and Rowley started flipping through the
merit badge book to see what we should work on.
Rowley wanted to do something hard like
Wilderness Survival or Personal Fitness, but I
talked him out of it. I said we should just
start off with something nice and easy, so we
settled on Whittling.
But whittling was a lot harder than I thought
it would be. It took forever to try to carve
a block of wood into anything, and Rowley got a
splinter within five minutes.
167
So we went to Mr. Barrett and asked him if there
was something less dangerous we could do.
Mr. Barrett said that if we were having trouble
with the wood, maybe we could use soap instead.
And that’s when I knew I made the right call
when I signed up with Troop 133.
Me and Rowley started carving the soap, but
then I found out something really great. If
you get the soap wet enough, you can just mold
it into any shape you want with your hands. So we
put away our whittling knives and squeezed
our soap into a shape instead.
squish
squish
168
My first creation was a sheep. I turned it in to
Mr. Barrett, and he checked one carving off my list.
I didn’t really know what to do for my next
carving, so I just turned my sheep upside down
and handed it back in as the Titanic.
And believe it or not, Mr. Barrett accepted that
one, too.
a terrible
tragedy,
that was!
169
So me and Rowley both got our Whittling merit
badges and pinned them to our uniforms. When I
came home, Dad was really impressed. If I
would’ve known that this was all it took to make
him happy, I would have signed up for Boy
Scouts about six months ago.
May
Sunday
The other day Mr. Barrett announced that our
Boy Scout troop was having a father-son campout
this weekend, so I asked Dad if he’d go with me.
I was pretty surprised with how easy it was to
impress Dad with that one little merit badge, so I
figured a whole weekend of him seeing me do
macho stuff would totally blow him away.
170
But yesterday morning I woke up as sick as a
dog. I couldn’t go, but Dad had to, because he
signed up to be a driver.
I stayed in bed pretty much the whole day. I
just wish I’d gotten sick on a weekday
instead of a weekend. Last year I didn’t miss
any days of school, and I promised myself I
wouldn’t let that happen again.
congratulations to greg
heffley for winning the
perfect attendance award.
nerd!
ha
ha!
The father-son camping trip turned out to be a
disaster. The phone rang at 10:00 last night,
and it was Dad calling from the emergency room.
Dad got put in a tent with the Woodley brothers,
Darren and Marcus, because their dad couldn’t
come. Darren and Marcus were horsing around in
the tent, even though Dad kept telling them to
go to sleep. At one point Darren threw a football
at Marcus, and it hit him in the stomach.
oof!
172
Marcus wet his pants, and I guess Darren thought
that was pretty funny.
ha ha
ha!
Well, Marcus went totally berserk. He bit
Darren, and he wouldn’t let go, either.
chomp
It took Dad a long time to pry the two of them
apart, and he had to take Darren to the emergency
room after that.
173
Dad came home this morning, and he was not
real happy with me for getting him stuck in
that situation. Something tells me that after
this weekend, he’s not a real big fan of Troop
133, either.
Sunday
Today was Mother’s Day, and I didn’t have
anything to give to Mom.
I was going to ask Dad to take me to the
store so I could at least get Mom a card or
something, but Dad was still recovering from the
father-son campout. And I don’t think he was
looking to do me any favors, anyway.
So I had to come up with a homemade gift.
174
Last year I made Mom a “Chore Coupon” book
for Mother’s Day. Each coupon had something
like “One free la
wn mowing” or “One free window
washing” on it.
one free
car wash
I give Dad a Chore Coupon book just about every
Father’s Day, and it always works out great. It’s
a way for me to take care of my gift obligation
without having to spend any money, and Dad
never actually uses any of his coupons in the book.
huh? oh,
um, thanks.
175
Mom cashed in every single one of her coupons
last year. So I didn’t want to make the same
mistake this year.
i’m going up
to rowley’s
to play video
games!
right after
you polish all
the silverware!
I tried to think of something original to make
for Mom today, but I ran out of time. So I
ended up just piggybacking on Manny’s gift.
to
mommy
from
manny
+greg
Monday
I figure the best way to get Dad to forget that
father-son camping mess is to have a do-over. So
tonight at dinner, I asked Dad if he wanted to
go on a camping trip, just me and him.
I’ve been studying up on my Boy Scouts manual, and
I’m pretty eager to show off what I’ve learned.
Well, Dad didn’t exactly jump at my offer, but
Mom thought it was a GReAt idea. She said we
should go this weekend and that Rodrick could
go, too. She said it would be a great “bonding”
experience for the three of us.
177
I wasn’t too enthusiastic about that idea, and
neither was Rodrick.
In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to get out
of the house this weekend is because me and
Rodrick are in a fight.
Last night Mom was giving Rodrick a haircut in
the kitchen. Usually when Mom gives us boys a
haircut, she puts a towel around our necks so
the hair doesn’t get all over our clothes. But
yesterday Mom used one of her old maternity
dresses instead of a towel. So when I saw