tall on its own if we wanted to have a shot at
breaking the record. But the snowball got real
heavy, and we had to take a bunch of breaks in
between rolls so we could catch our breath.
157
grunt!
wheeze!
During one of our breaks, Mom came outside to go
to the grocery store, but our snowball was blocking
her car in. So we got a little free labor out of her.
grunt!
wheeze!
After our break, me and Rowley pushed that
snowball until we couldn’t push it any farther.
But when we looked behind us, we saw the mess
we had made.
158
The snowball had gotten so heavy that it tore
up all the sod Dad had just laid down this fall.
I was hoping it would snow a few more inches
and cover up our tracks, but just like that, it
stopped snowing.
uh
oh.
Our plan to build the world’s biggest snowman
was starting to fall apart. So I came up with a
better idea for our snowball.
Every time it snows, the kids from Whirley
Street use our hill for sledding, even though this
isn’t their neighborhood.
159
So tomorrow morning, when the Whirley Street
kids come marching up our hill, me and Rowley are
going to teach those guys a lesson.
rumble
rumble
Thursday
When I woke up this morning, the snow was
already starting to melt. So I told Rowley to
hurry up and get down to my house.
While I was waiting for Rowley to show up, I
watched Manny trying to build a snowman out of
the piddly crumbs of snow that were left over
from our snowball.
160
It was actually kind of pathetic.
pat
pat
I really couldn’t help doing what I did next.
Unfortunately for me, right at that moment,
Dad was at the front window.
yaah!
punt
161
Dad was AlreADy mad at me for tearing up
the sod, so I knew I was in for it. I heard the
garage door open and I saw Dad coming outside.
He marched right out carrying a snow shovel, and I
thought I was going to have to make a run for it.
But Dad was heading for my snowball, not me.
And in less than a minute, he reduced all our
hard work to nothing.
162
Rowley came by a few minutes later. I thought he
might actually get a kick out of what happened.
But I guess he had his heart set on rolling
that snowball down the hill, and he was really
mad. But get this: Rowley was mad at me for
what DAD did.
I told Rowley he was being a big baby, and we
got in a shoving match. Right when it looked like
we were going to get in an all-out fight, we got
ambushed from the street.
heh,
heh.
bap
bap
bap
bap
bap
163
It was a hit-and-run by the Whirley Street kids.
And if Mrs. Levine, my English teacher, was
there, I’m sure she would have said the whole
situation was “ironic.”
Today at school they announced there’s an opening
for the cartoonist job in the school paper. There’s
only one comic slot, and up until now this kid named
Bryan Little has been hogging it all to himself.
Wednesday
164
Bryan has this comic called “Wacky Dawg,” and
when it started off, it was actually pretty funny.
But lately, Bryan’s been using his strip to handle
his personal business. I guess that’s why they
gave him the axe.
As soon as I heard the news, I knew I had to
try out. “Wacky Dawg” made Bryan Little a
celebrity at our school, and I wanted to get in
on some of that kind of fame.
I had a taste of what it’s like to be famous at
my school when I won honorable mention in this
antismoking contest they had.
Wacky Dawg
Bryan Little
Hey,
Wacky
Dawg, say
somethin’
FUNNY!
Actually,
I have
something
serious on
my mind
today.
Susan Lim, if you are reading this,
Bryan is very sorry he kissed your
best friend Rachel behind the
lockers. He hopes you can find it in
your heart to forgive him.
P.S. Barry Palmer,
you still owe Bryan
five dollars, you
BUM!
165
All I did was trace a picture from one of
Rodrick’s heavy metal magazines, but luckily, no
one ever found out.
The kid who won first place is named Chris
Carney. And what kind of ticks me off is that
Chris smokes at least a pack of cigarettes a day.
don’t smoke or
you’ll look like me.
Don’t Smoke.
It’s a
Joke.
166
Thursday
Me and Rowley decided to team up and do a
cartoon together. So after school today he came
over to my house, and we got to work.
We banged out a bunch of characters real
quick, but that turned out to be the easy
part. When we tried to think up some jokes,
we kind of hit a wall.
I finally came up with a good solution.
I made up a cartoon where the punch line of
every strip is “Zoo-Wee Mama!”
That way we wouldn’t get bogged down with having
to write actual jokes, and we could concentrate on
the pictures.
167
For the first couple of strips, I did the writing
and drew the characters, and Rowley drew the
boxes around the pictures.
Rowley started complaining that he didn’t have
enough to do, so I let him write a few of the strips.
Step on a crack,
break your
momma’s back!
Yeah, right.
Hey, Timmy, your
mother slipped on a
banana peel, and P.S.
she is dead.
zoo-wee
mama!
step
168
But to be honest with you, there was a pretty
obvious drop in quality once Rowley started doing
the writing.
I have been
waiting three
hours to get
a hamburger.
Finally! One
hamburger,
please!
I’m sorry, sir,
we are all
sold out.
Eventually I got kind of sick of the “Zoo-Wee
Mama” idea and I pretty much let Rowley take
over the whole operation.
zoo-wee
mama!
faint
169
And believe it or not, Rowley’s drawing skills
are worse than his writin
g skills.
I told Rowley maybe we should come up with
some new ideas, but he just wanted to keep
writing “Zoo-Wee Mamas.” Then he packed up
his comics and went home, which was fine by me.
I don’t really want to be partnered up with a
kid who doesn’t draw noses, anyway.
Oops I stepped
in a puddle.
At least it’s
not an
acid puddle.
Ay-ay-ay!
It is an acid
puddle!
zoo-wee
mama!
170
Friday
After Rowley left yesterday, I really got to work
on some comics. I came up with this character called
Creighton the Cretin, and I got on a roll.
creighton the cretin
by Greg Heffley
hi, my
name is
creighton.
no it isn’t.
your name is
“stewart pid.”
oops. hi, i’m
stew pid.
har har har har!
171
I must’ve banged out twenty strips, and I
didn’t even break a sweat.
The great thing about these “Creighton the Cretin”
comics is that with all the idiots running around my
school, I will never run out of new material.
I wonder what
is in this cute
little box?
that’s not a box, it’s a
brick, you dumb moron!
oops. i have been trying
to open it all day.
doctor, could i
have a new butt?
my old one has a
crack in it.
creighton, i told
you a million times,
everyone’s butt has
a crack in it!
oh yeah, i
forgot.
172
When I got to school today, I took my comics
to Mr. Ira’s office. He’s the teacher who runs
the school newspaper.
But when I went to turn my strips in, I saw
that there was a pile of comics from other kids
who were trying out for the job.
Most of them were pretty bad, so I wasn’t too
worried about the competition.
Girls
RULE!
by tabitha
cutter and
lisa russel
don’t walk near
our lunch table,
tyler green!
yeah, you’re
not even
cute!
ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha!
girls RULE!
trip
smack
173
One of the comics was called “Dumb Teachers,”
and it was written by this kid named Bill Tritt.
Bill is always in detention, so I guess he has a
bone to pick with just about every teacher in the
school, including Mr. Ira.
Xtreme
Sk8ers
I’m gonna
do this rad
jump.
Yo dude watch
out for that
telephone
wire
What
ever
Here
I
go
I shore
am glad
I wore my
helmet.
darn
slice
bonk
ouch.
the end
174
So I’m not too worried about the chances of
Bill’s comic getting in, either.
There were actually one or two decent comics in
the bin. But I slipped them under a pile of
paperwork on Mr. Ira’s desk.
Hopefully, those ones won’t turn up until I’m
in high school.
Hey, Mr. Ira,
you pooped
your pants
again.
Yuh
Huh!
Nuh
Uh!
Stink
lines
(from the poop.)
slip
175
Thursday
Today, during morning announcements, I got
the news I was hoping for.
The paper came out today at lunch time, and
everyone was reading it.
I really wanted to pick up a copy to see my
name in print, but I decided to just play it cool
for a while instead.
and the new
cartoonist for the
school paper is...
greg heffley!
176
I sat at the end of the lunch table so there
would be plenty of room for me to start signing
autographs for my new fans. But nobody was coming
over to tell me how great my comic was, and I
started to get the feeling something was wrong.
I grabbed a paper and went into the bathroom
to check it out. And when I saw my comic, I
practically had a heart attack.
edits” to my comic. I thought he just meant he
he fixed spelling mistakes and stuff like that, but
he totally butchered it.
The comic he ruined was one of my favorite ones,
too. In the original, Creighton the Cretin is taking
a math test, and he accidentally eats it. And then
the teacher yells at him for being such a moron.
177
By the time Mr. Ira was done with it, you
practically couldn’t recognize it as the same strip.
So I’m pretty sure I won’t be signing autographs
anytime soon.
Creighton the Curious Student
by Gregory Heffley
Teacher, if x + 43 = 89,
then what would x be?
Creighton, x would be 46!
Thanks. Kids, if you want to learn
more about math, be sure to visit
Mr. Humphrey during his office
hours. Or visit the library and
check out the newly expanded
Math and Science section!
teacher’s
pet!
shove
178
March
Wednesday
Me and Rowley were enjoying our hot chocolate
in the cafeteria with the rest of the Patrols
today, and there was an announcement on the
loudspeaker.
Rowley went down to Mr. Winsky’s office, and
when Rowley came back fifteen minutes later, he
looked pretty shaken up.
Apparently Mr. Winsky got a call from a parent
who said they witnessed Rowley “terrorizing”
the kindergartners when he was supposed to be
walking them home from school. And Mr. Winsky
was really mad about it.
rowley jefferson,
report to mr.
winsky’s office
immediately.
179
Rowley said Mr. Winsky yelled at him for about
ten minutes and said his actions “disrespected
the badge.”
You know, I think I might just know what this
is all about. Last week, Rowley had to take a
quiz during fourth period, so I walked the
kindergartners home on my own.
It had rained that morning, and there were a
lot of worms on the sidewalk. So I decided to
have some fun with the kids.
eeeeeeee
!!!
180
But some neighborhood lady saw what I was
doing, and she yelled at me from her front porch.
It was Mrs. Irvine, who is friends with Rowley’s
mom. She must have thought I was Rowley,
because I was borrowing his coat. And I wasn’t
about to correct her, either.
I forgot about the whole incident until today.
Anyway, Mr. Winsky told Rowley he’s going to
have to apologize to the kindergartners tomorrow
morning, and that he’s suspended from Patrols
for a week.
rowley jefferson,
the principal is
going to hear
about this!
yes,
ma’am.
181
I knew I should probably just tell Mr. Winsky it
was me who chased the kids with the worms. But
I wasn’t ready to set the record straight just
yet. I knew if I confessed, I’d lose my hot
chocolate privileges. And that right there was
enough to make me keep quiet for the time being.
At dinner tonight, Mom could tell something
was bothering me, so she came up to my room
afterward to talk.
I told her I was in a tough situation, and I
didn’t know what to do.
I got to give Mom credit for how she handled
it. She didn’t try to pry and get all the details.
All she said was that I should try to do the
“right thing,” because it’s our choices that make
us who we are.
182
I figure that’s pretty decent advice. But I’m still
not 100% sure what I’m going to do tomorrow.
Thursday
Well, I was up all night tossing and turning
over this Rowley situation, but I finally made
up my mind. I decided the right thing to do
was to just let Rowley take one for the team
this time around.
On the way home from school, I came clean with
Rowley and told him the whole truth about what
happened, and how it was me who chased the
kids with the worms.
i’m sorry i
terrorized
you children.
183
Then I told him there were lessons we could
both learn from this. I told him I learned to be
more careful about what I do in front of Mrs.