I spent the weekend trying to recover from the
Lock-In, since I got zero sleep on Friday night.
But I think the whole experience was just too
much for my body, because this morning when I
woke up, I was sick.
I admit I’ve faked being sick before to get out
of going to school, but usually Mom calls my bluff.
moan.
well, i guess we’ll
have to go to the
doctor and get
blood work done.
166
But today Mom took my temperature, and I
guess it must’ve been pretty high, because she said
I needed to stay in bed.
She said she had to spend the day at the library
to study for her final test tonight and she wouldn’t
be able to stay home to take care of me. Well, that
kind of stunk, because the only good thing about
being sick is having someone fuss over you.
Mom said Isabella was working today and that if
there was an emergency, I could go to her. But
after Mom left, I locked my bedroom door because
I was afraid Isabella might try to come into my
room to take her nap.
are you strong
enough to lift
this cup?
i…i
guess.
167
I must’ve dozed off around noon, and when I
woke up, there was a lot of commotion downstairs.
The TV was turned up really loud, and I could
hear what sounded like a bunch of women talking.
I looked out the window, and there were a ton of
cars in the driveway and on the street.
I didn’t know what was going on, so I just
stayed in my room. About a half hour later, Mom
pulled up in her car and went inside the house.
Five minutes after that, all these women streamed
out the door, including Isabella.
Mom walked upstairs to my room, and she was
really steamed.
168
She said she decided to come home early from the
library to take care of me, and when she did, she
walked in on a soap opera viewing party with all
the maids from the neighborhood.
Tonight Mom had another house meeting and
said that Isabella’s services would “no longer be
required” and that we were all going to have to
pitch in around the house. I was happy to hear
that, because now I can stop checking my bed for
panty hose socks.
kiss me, rex. kiss
me to help me snap
out of my amnesia!
169
Tuesday
When I got to school today, Rowley was waiting
by my locker, and he had a huge smile on his face.
Then I noticed he had a big pimple right in the
middle of his forehead.
Most people would have stayed home from school
if they had a zit like that, but here’s what
Rowley said—
my mom says
i’m becoming
a man!
170
Well, that really irked me for some reason. But
that wasn’t the end of it.
Later on in the day I saw Rowley hanging out
near the older kids’ lockers. So I guess he thinks
just because he got a pimple, he’s part of their
club now or something.
I think it’s really pathetic that Rowley’s trying
to impress people with his stupid zit.
And believe me, I’m not jealous or anything.
But this is a kid who still sleeps with a pile of
stuffed animals every night, so it doesn’t make
any sense that he would get his first pimple
before I got MINE.
’sup,
fellas?
171
I will say the whole episode has got me thinking.
I’ve been waiting to hit my growth spurt or at
least start growing some facial hair, but things
have been kind of slow going.
And now that Rowley’s got a pimple, I’m kind of
anxious to get things moving along.
When I got home from school today, I checked
myself in the mirror to see if anything seemed
different. But everything looked exactly the same
as it always does.
So after dinner I asked Mom and Dad when I
could expect things to start happening.
172
But they told me that when they were my age,
they were WAY behind their classmates when it
came to this sort of thing.
Then Dad told me not to expect to get a lot of
facial hair even when I’m an adult, because he’s
a grown man and he only needs to shave once or
twice a week.
Well, that was some REALLY bad news. In this
country they’re always saying you can grow up and
be anything you want, but now I realize that’s
not true.
why, I was a
very late
bloomer!
really? so
was I!
ha ha ha ha ha!
173
Wednesday
I can name at least half a dozen jobs I can
never have if I can’t grow a beard or a mustache
or at least some decent stubble.
Today was day two of Rowley’s pimple, and he was
walking around with his hair parted like a curtain
so everyone could get an eyeful of his zit.
magician
pirate
lumberjack
artist
cop
criminal
174
I couldn’t really take another day of this, and
I decided to do something about it. So I wrote a
note and handed it to him in the hallway.
And I’m happy to say my note did the trick.
But right before lunchtime something totally crazy
happened. Our class was heading to the cafeteria,
and when we walked through the hallway where
the older kids have their lockers, Jordan Jury was
standing there with a few of his friends.
Dear Rowley,
Nobody likes your zit.
Signed,
The Girls
shoot.
175
Jordan stopped us and said—
I couldn’t believe it. Like I said before, Jordan
Jury’s parties are LEGENDARY.
hey, dudes,
you’re invited
to my party!
glug
glug
glug
swoosh
squirt
176
But the best thing about Jordan Jury’s parties
is that there are girls there, which means his
parties are totally different from the kind I
usually get invited to.
The point is, this is a real party we’re talking
about, and not like the Lock-In, where there
were a million chaperones running the show.
I have no idea why Jordan Jury invited me and
Rowley to his party. It could’ve been my math
book or Rowley’s zit or both.
But it was pretty clear that he thought me and
Rowley were friends and that the invitation was a
package deal.
Zap
177
And I didn’t want to do anything that might
change his mind.
I can definitely pretend I’m friends with Rowley
for one night if it means I get to play “Spin
the Bottle” with a bunch of girls who are a whole
grade ahead of me.
we
accept!
it landed
right
between
you two!
then i guess
you’ll have
to kiss
both of us!
178
Thursday
You’ll never believe this, but Mom’s not letting me
go to Jordan Jury’s party.
And it’s not because it’s a boy-girl party or because
because Uncle Gary’s WEDDING is this weekend.
This has got to be some kind of world record for
bad timing. I begged Mom to let me stay home
and go to the party, but she wouldn’t budge,
even after I promised I’d go to Uncle Gary’s
next wedding.
Mom said I can’t skip it, because I’m in the
wedding party and I can’t let Uncle Gary down.
179
The thing is, I’ve been in Uncle Gary’s wedding
party every single time, and I’ll tell you exactly
how THAT’S gonna go.
Uncle Gary’s gonna ask me to be a “reader.” Adults
always pick a kid to read something from the Old
Testament at weddings because everyone thinks it’s
cute when the kid can’t pronounce the names.
I knew Mom wasn’t gonna change her mind, so I
didn’t spend a lot of time trying to fight it. I
just went up to my room and called Rowley.
and then
ezekiel said to
zede-…zedy-
…zekid-…wha?
how
darling!
180
I told Rowley I couldn’t go to the party so
he couldn’t really go, either. I explained that it
wouldn’t be fair for him to go while I was stuck
at my uncle’s wedding.
But Rowley said he’s practically a grown-up now
and he can make his OWN decisions, so he’s going
to the party no matter what.
I got so mad that I hung up the phone. Now
do you see what I mean about Rowley? That’s
just the kind of selfish move that makes me glad
we aren’t friends anymore.
Yesterday my family piled into the car and drove
down to Gammie’s for Uncle Gary’s wedding. I was
in a really bad mood because of the whole party
thing, and because of something else, too.
Saturday
181
I remembered that I’m supposed to get “the
Talk” from Gammie this weekend, and I am
seriously not in the mood for a lecture right now.
The last lecture I got was from Dad’s brother
Uncle Joe, who told me that since I’m in middle
school I need to start thinking about my “future.”
Uncle Joe drew up a chart that showed me
everything I need to do between now and the end
of high school to increase my chances of getting
into a good college and landing a job after that.
So basically Dad and Uncle Joe have the next ten
years of my life planned out for me.
Anyway, I was thinking about all this, but then
something happened that snapped me out of my
bad mood.
182
Mom called Gammie to tell her we were running
a little late because we had to stop to pick up
my tuxedo.
THAT got my attention. I’ve never had to wear
a tuxedo for any of Uncle Gary’s other weddings,
and that could only mean one thing: I’m one of
the GROOMSMEN.
The night before the wedding, the groomsmen
throw the guy who’s getting married a really wild
party. I’ve seen enough cable TV to know that’s
something I definitely want to be a part of.
183
I actually felt a little bad for Rodrick, because
that meant he got passed over. But I figure I
could take some pictures of the party so he could
see everything he missed.
Mostly, though, I felt happy, because while
Rowley’s at some lame middle school party, I’m
gonna be riding in a limo and having the time of my
life. So we’ll see who’s a “man” after this weekend.
And as a bonus, at the wedding I’ll be paired up
with one of the bridesmaids. I’m just crossing my
fingers that Sonja has some cute friends.
On the way to Gammie’s house, Mom made me
promise that I wouldn’t wipe away my relatives’
kisses, because she says it’s “rude.”
184
But I can’t really help it. When some aunt or
cousin gives me a wet kiss on my cheek, I start
thinking about the bacteria multiplying on my face,
and I get all twitchy. The last time we went to
Gammie’s, I brought some of those antibacterial
wipes with me to take care of the problem.
But I promised Mom I wouldn’t wipe any kisses
this time around. And I shouldn’t have even
done that, because the first person to greet us
was Aunt Dorothy, who always kisses me full on
the lips.
wipe
185
As soon as I was out of Mom’s sight, though, I
went straight for the first thing I could find to
wipe my face.
Most of the family was already at Gammie’s house
by the time we got there. It would take me
forever to describe every single person who was
there, so I’ll just stick with the highlights.
My cousin Benjy was there with his parents, Aunt
Patricia and Uncle Tony. The last time I saw
Benjy, he could only say two things—
scrub
scrub
no!
shut
up!
186
Benjy can speak in full sentences now, and his
parents say he’s reading chapter books. But I
wouldn’t be bragging if my son could read and still
wasn’t potty trained.
Great Uncle Arthur was in the den, sitting in
the recliner in front of the tv. I don’t think
I’ve ever had an actual conversation with Great
Uncle Arthur, because all he does is grunt and
make these random sounds. He stayed with us one
Thanksgiving weekend, and it was like that the
whole time.
muuurp.
187
I can’t tell if he’s trying to communicate or what,
but every once in a while I respond, just in case.
Great Aunt Reba was there, too, which kind of
surprised me.
A few years ago Gammie invited everyone to her
house on Christmas, but she accidentally forgot
to send an invitation to Great Aunt Reba. She
showed up anyway, but she refused to take off
her coat, and she just sat there in the living
room, making us all feel guilty.
rrup?
umm… no
thank you.
188
Dad’s second cousin Terrence was there, and the
only reason I mention him is because everyone
always says I look EXACTLY like he did when
he was my age, which is really depressing.
In fact, when I first heard that, I looked
through Gammie’s photo album to see if it was
true. And unfortunately, it was.
what’s
new, greg?
189
So I guess I’d better start saving up my money
for plastic surgery.
Dad’s cousin Byron was there, and I wasn’t too
excited to see him, either. At the last family
reunion, Gammie sent Byron out to get milk and
I rode with him. But he hit a pothole and got a
flat tire about half a mile from the house.
Byron told me to go to the house and get help,
and on my way back it started raining. When I
walked through the front door, all the ladies in
the kitchen started yelling at me for tracking
mud on the floor.
190
They told me to take my shoes off and put them
in the mudroom, which I did. But all that yelling
must’ve rattled me, because I forgot all about
Byron’s flat tire. And when he came back to the
house a half hour later, he wasn’t too happy.
Uncle Charlie was there, and I was really glad to
see him because he’s always got his pockets stuffed
with candy for us kids.
191
But I didn’t always like Uncle Charlie, because he
used to tease me when I was little. I used to have
this pair of red footie pajamas, and every time
Uncle Charlie saw me, he’d say the same thing—
For some reason it really got under my skin. I
told Mom how I felt, and she took me to the
store to get some new pajamas, which were blue.
So the next time I saw Uncle Charlie, I knew I
had him beat.
hey there,
red!
192
But it only took him about three seconds to give
me a NEW nickname.
The only person who DIDN’T show up to Gammie’s
was Uncle Lawrence, but that wasn’t really a big
surprise. Uncle Lawrence is always traveling, and
he almost never comes to family gatherings. But