Mom and Dad left, Rodrick took off.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a van or a driver’s
license of my own, so I was stuck with Grandpa
and Manny.
let’s play
gin rummy!
SCREECH
Shuffle
113
Manny went straight to bed, even though it
was only 4:30 in the afternoon. So that left
just me and Grandpa.
Grandpa made grilled cheese sandwiches with the
crusts cut off for dinner, which I haven’t had
since I was really little. We watched some TV,
but then at 7:00 Grandpa shut it off and asked
me if I wanted him to read me a story. I haven’t
had a bedtime story since I was in kindergarten,
but I didn’t wanna hurt Grandpa’s feelings, so I
just went along with it.
Saturday
Since I went to bed at 7:30 last night, I woke
up really early this morning.
114
And when I came downstairs, I saw a big white
binder sitting out on the kitchen table.
taking care of
Gregory & Rodrick
A
to
Z
All of a sudden the grilled cheese sandwiches and
the story and the early bedtime all made sense.
Grandpa was using the manual Mom made for him
the LAST time he took care of us at home, eight
or nine years ago.
I flipped through the pages, and sure enough, it
was filled with instructions for how to take care
of us when we were little kids.
115
And at least 95% of it was totally outdated.
R
is for red
fruit juice
Do not let Rodrick drink
any before bedtime as
it makes him extremely
hyperactive.
Some of the stuff in there was actually pretty
embarrassing. I’m just glad I found the manual
before Rodrick did, or he’d never let me hear the
end of it.
S
is for
sneakers
Gregory calls his
sneakers “wild boys.”
He does not know
how to tell his left
and right shoes apart
so he will need help
getting them on.
116
I flipped to the page with “T” on it, and here’s
what I found—
T
is for
television
The boys may watch
up to thirty minutes
of educational
programming a day.
I don’t think I’m gonna survive a whole weekend
with Grandpa if I’m not allowed to watch a lot
of TV, so I ripped out the page and drew up a
new one.
T
is for
television
Gregory is allowed
to watch as much
as he likes.
117
Then I realized that the “S” page was on the
back of the “T” page, so I had to replace that
one, too.
S
is for
spanking
It’s what you should
do to Rodrick if he ever
leaves the house without
asking first.
Monday
Unfortunately, Mom and Dad got home before
Rodrick did yesterday, and Grandpa went back to
his condo. Which is a shame, because I was really
keeping my fingers crossed on that “S” thing.
Mom said that she and Dad did a lot of talking
over the weekend, and they agreed that things
have started to slip around the house ever since
she started going back to school.
118
I figured Mom was gonna chew us guys out for
not doing our share, but she actually said she was
gonna HIRE someone to help with the cleaning.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The words
Mom used were “domestic help,” but I knew that
was just code for “maid.”
I guess Mom was pretty embarrassed about having
to hire someone to help out with the household
chores, because she asked us all not to mention it
to anyone.
Well, I’m sorry, but opportunities like this don’t
come around too often for me, so it was a little
hard to keep quiet at school.
we’re getting
a maid!
119
Chirag Gupta said his family doesn’t NEED a maid
and that he was glad his mom is there when he
comes home from school every day.
chew
chew
But I’m sure that’s what all the non-maid people
say to make themselves feel better.
Tomorrow is our maid Isabella’s first day. I
thought that meant we could all kick back and be
a little extra slobby, since someone would be picking
up after us, but Mom made everyone clean the
house tonight. She said she didn’t want Isabella
thinking we lived in a “pigsty.”
vroom
vroom
120
Tuesday
Today when I got home from school, Isabella
was in the family room watching a talk show. I
guess I can’t really blame her for loafing around,
since we had done all the cleaning for her. But she
stayed for about two hours and totally hogged
the TV.
today on
“darlena”…
backstabbing
best friends!
mm mm
mm.
Tonight when Mom got home after her classes,
she was amazed at how spotless the house was.
I don’t think she remembered that WE were the
ones who did all the work.
121
But she seemed happy, so I didn’t want to spoil
it for her.
I wasn’t as happy as Mom. Last night I left
Isabella a note asking her to take care of my
laundry. I wasn’t sure if she would take orders
from a kid, so I made the note look like it was
from Mom.
Dear Isabella,
Please do my son
Gregory’s laundry.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Heffley
122
I’m technically supposed to do my OWN laundry,
and I didn’t want Mom to find out I was asking
Isabella to do it for me. So I put this line at
the bottom—
P.S. Now that you’ve read
my note, you should just
throw it out.
Dear Mrs. Heffley,
now, which child
is Gregory again?
Isabella
Then I put the note on top of the bag and
left it out where Isabella would see it. I was
expecting to come home and find all my laundry in
neat, folded piles on my bed, but instead I got a
note BACK from Isabella.
Luckily, I got home before Mom did, or she would’ve
found it.
123
That really stunk, because I had to haul my
laundry bag all the way back upstairs. And let
me tell you, it was a lot harder going up than
coming down.
Isabella doesn�
�t come back until Thursday, so I
guess I’ll have to wait until then to take another
crack at it.
This is actually pretty exciting for me, because
I’ve never had anyone I could farm my work out
to. Rodrick is ALWAYS tricking me into doing
stuff for HIM.
He’ll start by asking me to do something, and I
always say no.
124
Then he starts counting down from ten. And I
don’t know why, but that gets to me every time.
go get me
some ice
cream.
no
way!
10…9…
8…
zow
I’ve found out that kind of thing doesn’t work
on adults.
125
Last week I tried to get Dad to fetch the TV
remote, because I left it on the kitchen table.
But he didn’t even move a muscle.
10… 9…
8…
Anyway, I’m hoping Isabella comes through for
me on Thursday. I’ve been wearing the same socks
for a few days now, and they’re starting to feel
like cardboard.
Thursday
Ok, now this is starting to get a little ridiculous.
Last night I dragged my laundry back downstairs
and left another note for Isabella.
126
But instead of clean laundry, I just got
another note.
Dear Isabella,
Gregory is the child whose bedroom
has blue wallpaper. Please wash
and dry his clothes and put them
in his room.
Thank you,
Mrs. Heffley
Dear Mrs. Heffley,
Thank you for the clarification. Now,
would you like me to separate the
darks from the lights or wash them
all together?
Isabella
Now I get Isabella’s act. She’s gonna keep
dragging this out forever. On the one hand, I
kind of have to respect her skill at avoiding work. But on the other hand, I really do need some
clean underwear soon.
127
And what REALLY stinks is that Isabella has
been eating our junk food. I went to get some
pretzels out of the pantry tonight, and the bag
was practically empty.
I noticed the potato chips were gone, too. And
believe it or not, Isabella left a note in the
pantry to complain about our snack selection.
Dear Mrs. Heffley,
Please note that I
prefer farfecue potato
chips over plain ones.
Isabella
Well, the potato chips she ate were barbecue,
but she just didn’t know it. Manny licks the
flavoring off the barbecue chips and puts them
back in the bag. Unfortunately, I had to learn
that the hard way.
chew
128
Monday
Mom went out and bought a bunch of snacks just
for Isabella and put them in the pantry, and the
rest of us aren’t allowed to touch them.
Today at school they announced that they’re
going to have a special fundraiser for the music
program, called a “Lock-In.” From what I can
tell, it’s sort of like a big boy-girl slumber party,
so you can definitely count me in.
psst
We’re having a
Lock-In
this Friday night!
Your child is invited to a night of supervised
fun in the middle school auditorium. The
event goes from dusk till dawn and features
games and prizes.
Chaperones needed!
Admission is $5 and all proceeds will go to
the Save Our Music Program fund.
fun!
games!
129
Tuesday
The only thing that bothered me was the
“chaperone” part. So I cut that out before I
showed it to Mom.
All right, I’ve had it with our maid. I gave
her one more shot at doing my laundry, and she
weaseled out of it again.
This is what I found sitting on top of the
laundry bag when I got home—
Dear Isabella,
It is fine to mix the lights and
darks together. Please take
care of this at your earliest
convenience as Gregory is
out of clean clothes for school.
Mrs. Heffley
130
I officially give up. Since we always clean the
house before Isabella comes, I’m pretty sure the
only “work” she does is writing these notes.
And it gets worse. When I got into bed tonight,
I felt something at the bottom of my sheets. So
I reached down and found what I think was a
panty hose sock.
Dear Mrs. Heffley,
Thank you for the clarification
on how to handle the lights and
the darks. Unfortunately, I have
which you stated who Gregory is.
Isabella
Sniff
sniff
131
That means Isabella has been taking naps in
MY BED. I went into Mom’s room and told her
that I think she made a mistake hiring Isabella
and that she should let her go.
But Mom didn’t want to hear it. She said that
the house has been “immaculate” ever since we hired
her and that everyone should be grateful for the
work she’s doing for us. So Isabella’s got Mom
TOTALLY fooled.
All I can say is, if being a maid means watching
TV all day, eating snacks, and taking naps in my
bed, then I guess I’ve finally found a career I
can get excited about.
132
November
Saturday
Dad dropped me off at school at 8:00 last night
for the Lock-In, and the second I walked
through the door, I knew I made a huge
mistake. It was, like, 90% boys and 10% girls.
And even worse, ROWLEY was there.
I turned to leave, but one of the chaperones had
already locked the door. So I was stuck there for
the night with everyone else.
133
I’m guessing most of the girls in my class decided
not to go to the Lock-In and the ones who DID
show up just didn’t get the word in time.
I decided I was gonna have to make the most
of it, and I walked into the auditorium, where
everyone else was taking their stuff. The first
thing I noticed was that there was at least one
adult for every kid, which is not really a great
recipe for wild times.
Most of the chaperones were parents, but a few
of them were teachers. And something tells me
the teachers were only there because they didn’t
have a choice.
134
I plopped my stuff down on the stage, where all
the other kids were. Then I noticed that Rowley
was there, so I moved my stuff to the other
side of the stage.
I think most of the kids had already written
off the night, because just about everyone was
p
laying with whatever electronic gadget they
brought with them.
beep boop
tap
tap
tap
I didn’t even THINK of bringing my video
games, and I didn’t have a magazine or anything
to entertain myself. So I asked one of the
grown-ups what I could do.
Mrs. Barnum told me there was an “activity
center” in the corner for anyone who needed to
take a “fun break” during the night.
135
But all of the activities were little-kid stuff.
Activity
Center
I decided to just sit on my sleeping bag with my
hands folded on my lap instead.
At 9:00 the adults said it was time for “party
games,” but nobody heard them because everyone
had headphones on. Mr. Tanner said people
needed to be “social,” so he confiscated all the cell
phones, music players, and whatever else kids had
and put them in a garbage bag.
Ball Pit
136
Then we all sat in a circle in the middle of the
auditorium. Mrs. Carr said we were gonna play
some “icebreakers” that would help us get to know
each other better.
But the truth is, all of us kids know one another
really well, because we’ve been together since
preschool. In fact, I think we know each other
TOO well.
Mrs. Carr said we were gonna start with something
called the “Name Game,” where everyone goes
around and gives themselves a nickname that
starts with the same letter as their first name,
like “Sporty Seth” or “Funny Fred” or something
like that. The idea was that your nickname would
say something about your personality.
137
Rowley went first.
respectful
rowley!
It was really stressful trying to come up with a
cool-sounding nickname, and my turn was coming up
quick. I finally settled on “Great Greg,” which I
know is a little lame, but it was hard to think of a
decent nickname that starts with the letter “G.”
I guess the kid to my right, George Fleer, was