Wild Side, and kids aren’t allowed over there. So
she showed us where our building was on the map.
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I could tell Dad was disappointed by the changes,
but Mom said it was BETTER this way. She said
this was a FAMILY trip, and we didn’t need to
be around a bunch of young couples partying,
anyway.
I didn’t really care WHICH side of the resort
we were on, because it looked to me like both sides
had the same basic stuff. What I really cared
about was the ROOM.
Usually when my family stays at a hotel, we all
share a room, and I have to sleep on a cot or a
sofa bed. So I was pretty shocked to find out we
were in a SUITE with PLENTY of space.
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There were two rooms in the suite. We all had to
share one bathroom, but me and Rodrick each had
our own BED, which was the main thing. All I
can say is, Mom and Dad must’ve dropped a LOT
of money on this trip.
There was a TV in the room I was sharing with
Rodrick, but even better than that, there was a
ROBE in the closet.
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I called the robe right away, but Rodrick didn’t
even fight me for it.
Rodrick always makes fun of me when I wear
Mom’s robe back at home. But I think robes are
COOL, and there are a lot of guys out there
who would agree with me on that.
The shower in the bathroom was HUGE, and all
the floors and sinks and everything were made of
marble. There was a TV above the bathtub, and
there was even a PHONE next to the toilet.
I figured if I could get room service delivered to
the bathroom, I’d have everything I needed in
one place.
From the balcony in Mom and Dad’s room, I could
see the pool over on the Wild Side of the resort,
and it was really big.
It wasn’t just some regular pool, either. It
looked kind of like a river and had all these islands
in the middle of it. Mom said it was one of the
biggest “free-form” pools in the WORLD.
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I was pretty excited about that, because I
knew we had the same thing on OUR side of the
resort. I wanted to go check it out, but first I
needed to change my clothes.
I went to open the big suitcase, but it was
LOCKED. I asked Dad for the key, but he
said our suitcase didn’t HAVE a lock. Dad looked
at the tag on the suitcase, and it had someone
ELSE’S name on it.
It turns out we had accidentally grabbed the
wrong suitcase from baggage claim at the airport.
Before it was too late, Dad called the airline to
see if they still had OUR suitcase.
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But the people at the airline said that since no
one had claimed our bag, it was sent back to the
address on the luggage tag.
It wasn’t a TOTAL disaster, though. We’d moved
some clothes from the big suitcase to our carry-on
bags back at the airport, so we had a few things.
I had my bathing suit, but I didn’t have a lot
of OTHER stuff. My flip-flops and sunglasses
were in the big bag, along with a bunch of other
things I had packed. Dad said they sell the
stuff we were missing at the resort store, so we
went down to check it out.
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But everything in the store cost five times as
much as it would’ve back home, and Dad said he
wasn’t gonna pay those prices.
Mom said we could wear the same clothes every day
and wash them ourselves. So the only thing we
bought in there was a bottle of sunscreen and a
toy pail and shovel for Manny to use at the beach.
Mom said it’s really important to wear sunscreen
at a place like this, because it’s so close to the
equator. But she didn’t have to convince ME. I’ve
seen what the sun can do to your skin, and I
don’t wanna look like a raisin when I’m older.
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That’s the reason I spend as much time indoors
as I can. And later on in life, all my friends are
gonna wish THEY had, too.
I thought the fact that we came during Christmas
break meant we’d have the place to ourselves. But I
guess a lot of people had the exact same idea.
It wasn’t just the POOL that was crowded,
though. There were people EVERYWHERE. I
was really looking forward to relaxing in the hot
tub until I saw it.
We found a few lounge chairs in the shade and put
our stuff down. You could tell it was the middle of
winter, because just about everyone looked out of
shape, just like me.
Every once in a while, I think about exercising
and getting really buff. But in the future, I’ll
bet everyone will just be able to take a pill and
get fit without having to exercise, anyway.
Being in great shape will be NORMAL, and
all the people who AREN’T fit will be the ones
everyone’s attracted to. So if I just stick with
my current exercise plan, I’ll be all set.
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The pool was too crowded to go swimming, so I
decided to just put a towel over my head and
catch up on some sleep.
Even though it was hot out, there was a nice
breeze, and I started to drift off. But right
in the middle of my nap, some guy showed up and
ruined the whole vibe.
This guy called himself the “Director of Fun,”
and apparently his job was to get everybody
MOVING.
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Unfortunately, this guy was good at his job, and
somehow he roped ME into one of the activities.
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But I wished he HADN’T, because there was a
lot more touching than I was comfortable with.
After the conga line ended, the Director of Fun
said the next activity was the “Treasure Dive,”
and it was just for kids. I wasn’t interested
in doing some stupid kiddie thing, so I sat back
down. But when he hauled out a giant bucket of
COINS, that got my attention.
pool, and then he started tossing giant handfuls
of cash into the water. And it wasn’t a bunch of
PENNIES, either.
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It was dimes and quarters, and I’m pretty sure
I saw some SILVER DOLLARS in there, too.
By the time the bucket was empty, there must’ve
been four hundred bucks sitting at the bottom
of the pool. Everyone waited along the edge
for the Director of Fun to blow his whistle.
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When he did, it was a total free-for-all.
I managed to get about two dollars in coins on
my first dive, and I put them at the edge of the
pool near my lounge chair. But some sneaky kid
swooped in and cleaned me out.
He wasn’t the ONLY cheater, though. Some kid
in the pool was actually wearing PANTS, and he
stuffed his pockets FULL of coins.
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That gave everyone ELSE the same idea, and now
kids were stuffing coins wherever they COULD.
When it was all over, I think I ended up with
about three bucks in change. After the kids cleared
out of the pool, I figured it was a good time to
get in the water and go for a relaxing swim.
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I found a shady spot in the pool and leaned
against the wall. But then I heard some rustling
in the bushes behind me, and all of a sudden I
was face-to-face with something that looked like
it came straight from Jurassic Park.
I was out of there so fast, I actually SKIPPED
across the water.
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I told the lifeguard there was some kind of
DINOSAUR at the edge of the pool and he
needed to clear everyone out of there before
someone got HURT.
But the lifeguard didn’t even seem fazed. He said
the giant lizard was just an IGUANA, and they’re
all OVER the resort. Then he said that sometimes
the iguanas even like to go for a dip in the pool.
Well, that changed EVERYTHING for me. My
feeling on giant lizards is that they should be in a
ZOO, not mingling with us human beings.
I was DONE with the pool, so I asked Mom if
we could get some lunch.
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She thought that was a good idea, and we found
a place nearby that had an outdoor patio.
But the outdoor thing ended up being a problem.
First of all, there weren’t just iguanas at this
place. There were geckos, salamanders, and who-
knows-WHAT-else peeking out of the bushes.
It wasn’t just LIZARDS, either. There were
SLUGS, too, and we had to keep flicking them
off the table with our utensils.
The waiter poured us glasses of water from a
pitcher, but Mom told us all not to drink it.
She said our stomachs aren’t used to the microbes
in the water down here, so we needed to get
BOTTLED water instead.
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But Dad said he’d be FINE because he’s traveled
ANYTHING.
I wasn’t gonna risk it, though. I ordered a can
of soda and poured it into a glass, and I got a
burger and some fries, too.
When our food came, a few birds landed in the
trees around our table. At first I was OK with
it, because when the birds flew in, the lizards ran
back into the bushes.
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Then a bird that looked like it had an injured
leg or something started hopping around on the
ground near our table.
But it was all a big TRICK. The second we
turned our heads to look at the bird on the
ground, all the OTHER birds swooped in and
went after our food.
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We chased the birds off, but not before they
got away with half our food. The only thing
the birds DIDN’T touch was our drinks. It
didn’t matter, though. Some slugs were helping
themselves to my soda, but luckily I noticed
them before I took a sip.
I thought this place was supposed to be
PARADISE, but so far it was a NIGHTMARE.
All I wanted to do was go back to the room and
STAY there, but Mom said we were just getting
started exploring the resort. Then Dad said he
wanted to go back to the room, too. He said he
wasn’t feeling so hot and we could all probably use
some rest after that flight.
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We headed back to our building, but Dad had to
make a pit stop at the restroom in the lobby.
Then he had to go AGAIN in the bathroom
next to the gym. So I guess Mom was right
about the water.
The rest of the day wasn’t much fun for ANY Of
us. When we finally made it back to our suite, Dad
shut himself in the bathroom, and Mom sent me
down to the store to get him some medicine for
his stomach.
But the labels weren’t in English, so I got
him something that either CURES diarrhea or
CAUSES it.
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The medicine didn’t seem to work, so we had to
listen to Dad moaning and groaning all night.
I put on a movie in my room to try and drown out
the sound. But my room was open to the outside,
so the second I turned on the TV, a bunch of
moths flew in and swarmed the screen.
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We had to turn off the television AND all the
lamps in the suite so the moths would fly back
outside. Me and Rodrick ended up spending half
the night just sitting there in the dark.
I was pretty tired anyway, so I figured I’d try
to get a good night’s sleep. But as soon as I got
into bed, the music started up on the Wild Side of
the resort. And those guys partied all NIGHT.
The crazy thing is, until that point I had
forgotten that it was actually CHRISTMAS. I
didn’t know where this vacation was headed, but it