we have to find other ways to entertain ourselves.
20
What really stinks is that when Mom catches us
BEHAVING on the weekends, she thinks it’s
PROOF that Screen-Free Weekends are working.
So lately, me and Rodrick have been remembering to
MISBEHAVE on Saturdays and Sundays so Mom
doesn’t think her no-electronics policy is working.
And MANNY joins in, too, because I guess he
likes to do whatever his big brothers are doing.
21
Mom says kids these days don’t know how to
interact with one another, because we’re always
staring at our screens. So she’s been working with
me and Rodrick on our “social skills.”
One thing Mom’s always trying to get me to do is
to look her in the eye when I’m talking to her.
I can do that for a LITTLE while, but after a
few seconds it just gets too weird.
The latest thing Mom’s been making me do is
practice shaking hands with Dad. But that’s
awkward for BOTH of us.
22
Mom wants me to “branch out” and make more
friends in the neighborhood. But I’m already
friends with ROWLEY, and he’s all I can really
handle right now.
Even though there are a ton of kids on my
street, I really can’t see being friends with any
of them. I ALREADY feel like I’m making an
exception for Rowley, and the options go downhill
from there.
Our house is halfway up Surrey Street, and
Rowley’s house is near the top. Sometimes it’s a pain
to even go see HIM, because I have to pass by
FREGLEY’S house to do it. And nine times out of
ten, Fregley is hanging out in his front yard.
23
Across the street from Fregley is Jacob Hoff, but
he almost never comes outside because his parents
are always making him practice the clarinet. And
on either side of Jacob are Ernesto Gutierrez and
Gabriel Johns, who are in my grade.
Ernesto and Gabriel are nice kids and all, but
they BOTH have bad breath, so those two are
perfect for each other.
24
Two doors down from me is David Marsh, who’s
really into karate. He’s best friends with Joseph
O’Rourke, who’s always doing something to get
himself injured.
Next door to Joseph is Mitchell Pickett, who makes
a killing selling premade snowballs in the winter.
And mark my words, one day that kid’s gonna be
a MILLIONAIRE.
25
Mitchell lives next to a boy one year younger than
me who everybody calls Speed Bump. But people
steer clear of him because his two older brothers
are already in jail.
There’s a kid named Pervis Gentry who has a tree
house in his backyard, and he spends his summers
solving neighborhood crimes. But most of the time
the person responsible is Speed Bump.
26
There’s a duplex three-quarters of the way down
the hill, and the two families who live in it HATE
each other.
I can never keep the kids in that house straight,
but I know one of them is named Gino because he
something like seven years old.
There’s a boy who lives with his grandmother a few
doors down, and his name is Gibson.
27
Everyone calls him Baby Gibson, because no matter
how much time goes by he never seems to get any
OLDER. For all I know, Baby Gibson is thirty-
two years old and he’s got kids of his OWN.
There’s a playgroup of preschoolers that gets
together twice a week at Mrs. Jimenez’s house. I
don’t know which kids are HERS and which ones
are her FRIENDS’. What I DO know is that
those kids are totally out of control, and the
moms don’t really seem to care.
28
There are some older kids on our street, too.
Anthony Denard is a sophomore in high school,
and he just started shaving. But he got carried
away with the razor blade and accidentally shaved
off one of his eyebrows.
Anthony drew it back on with a brown marker,
but he didn’t do a good job, and now one half of
his face always looks surprised.
Anthony’s best friend is Sheldon Reyes, who tried
to make money plowing the neighbors’ driveways
the first time it snowed this winter.
But Sheldon doesn’t have his license yet, and he
did a lot of damage in our neighborhood before his
dad found out his son was using his truck.
29
A few doors down from me are the Garza twins,
Jeremy and Jameson, who made up their own
language when they were toddlers. And when
those two are together, no one can understand a
word they say.
There are a bunch of GIRLS on my street, too,
but they’re just as bad as the GUYS.
30
The Marlee sisters live across from Rowley’s house,
and all five of them were born within a few years
of each other. I don’t know what their deal is,
but those girls will just randomly attack people
who come into their yard.
Emilia Greenwall lives a few doors down from the
Marlee sisters. Emilia always dresses like a princess,
and I think she’s seen too many Disney movies.
31
Latricia Hooks lives in the one-story house across
from the duplex, and she’s a six-foot-two high
school junior. Rodrick won’t go anywhere NEAR
Latricia, because she used to bully him when he was
MY age.
Latricia’s sister Victoria is in love with Ernesto
Gutierrez for some reason, and Victoria’s best
friend, Evelyn Trimble, dresses like a vampire.
In fact, I’m pretty sure Evelyn thinks she IS a
vampire, which is one reason I’m glad I don’t ride
the bus anymore.
32
I haven’t even mentioned HALF the kids who live
on my hill. But if I went down the whole list, it’d
take FOREVER.
Mom always asks me why I’m not friends with any
kids at the BOTTOM of the hill, even though
I’ve told her a million times why that’ll never
HAPPEN.
Surrey Street is divided into two halves. There’s
UPPER Surrey Street, which is the hill, and
LOWER Surrey Street, which is the flat part at
And even though we all live on the same street,
the hill kids and the non-hill kids can’t STAND
one another.
33
Living on the hill is no fun. First of all, it’s really
far from the school, and that last stretch at the
end of the day is no joke. ESPECIALLY when
it’s hot like it has been lately.
The worst thing about living on a hill is that there’s
not a lot you can DO on it. And if you want to
play with a ball, you can forget about it.
34
But the kids who live at the BOTTOM of the hill
have it MADE. Their part of the street is FLAT,
so they can do anything they want down there.
That’s why all the athletes come from LOWER
Surrey Street.
The thing is, the kids who live at the bottom of
our street think they OWN it. And if any of us
hill people come down there to PLAY, the Lower
Surrey Street kids won’t LET us.
35
In fact, the reason it took me four years to
learn to ride a bike was because I had to do it
in five-second spurts.
But when it SNOWS, the tables are turned. All
of a sudden the Lower Surrey Street kids want to
use our hill for SLEDDING, but that’s when we
give those guys a taste of their own medicine.
Most of the time we can keep the Lower Surrey
Street kids off the hill. But they’re SNEAKY,
and sometimes they slip past us.
Last winter, a bunch of the Lower Surrey
Street kids bought the same winter gear as the
hill kids, and it was WEEKS before any of us
caught on.
37
If you live on Surrey Street, you’re either a
HILL kid or a NON-hill kid, and there’s no
switching sides.
There’s a kid named Trevor Nix who lived on the hill
until last summer, which is when his family moved to
a bigger house at the bottom of the street.
But the kids down there still consider Trevor a
HILL person, so they won’t let him play on the
street. Us hill kids think of him as a traitor for
moving, and we won’t let him sled in the winter.
So now Trevor is basically stuck indoors year-round.
38
There’s a lot of bad blood between the Upper
Surrey Street kids and the Lower Surrey Street
kids, which is why we can’t be friends. But
whenever I try to explain the situation to Mom,
she just doesn’t get it.
In fact, NONE of the moms on our street do.
They’re all friends with each other, and they have
no CLUE about what’s REALLY going on.
Lately, though, things have been pretty calm on
our street. Us hill kids keep to OUR side, and the
other guys keep to THEIRS. But if someone does
something stupid, this whole place is gonna BLOW.
39
Sunday
The temperature dropped about fifteen degrees
over the weekend, so today my family was out
looking for our pet pig.
For Christmas vacation, my family went away and
we left the pig in a kennel. But I guess the pig
thought it should’ve come WITH us, and it wasn’t
too happy about being left behind.
40
When we got back HOME, the pig let us know
how it felt about not being included on our family
vacation.
After a few days of the pig acting out, Dad
decided enough was enough, and he sent it to
“obedience school.” But the next morning we got
a call from the lady who runs the place, and she
said our pig ESCAPED.
41
We’ve been putting up signs asking for help
finding our lost pig ever since. But that thing is
SMART, so I don’t think it’s LOST. It just
doesn’t want to be FOUND.
I figure the pig is probably off HIBERNATING
somewhere. Mom says pigs don’t do that, but if
you ask me, I think they SHOULD.
If I was an animal, that’s EXACTLY what I’D
be doing right now. On the last day of the fall,
I think everyone should get in their pajamas and
check out until the spring.
When I was younger, I actually TRIED to
hibernate, but it didn’t work.
42
I used to get SUPER excited for Christmas,
and once December rolled around it was really
hard for me to wait until the big day.
So one year on December 1st, I told my parents
I was gonna go to sleep, and that they shouldn’t
wake me up until Christmas morning. I was pretty
surprised when they didn’t put up a fight.
I went to bed that night, but I only slept until
1:30 p.m. the next day. Then my sleep schedule
was screwed up for the next two weeks.
43
Mom says it’s IMPOSSIBLE for human beings
to hibernate, but I’m not 100% convinced
that’s TRUE.
There’s this group of wild kids who live in the
woods, and everyone calls them the Mingos. You
never see the Mingos in the WINTER, and
when they make their first appearance in the
SPRING, they look like they just woke up.
So if they’re not HIBERNATING, I don’t know
WHAT they’re doing all winter.
The rest of us NORMAL people have to grind it
out and deal with the cold weather.
44
And the only way to do THAT is to stay inside
as much as possible and keep warm.
When we got back from our trip a few weeks
ago, there was a package on our front step.
It was a Christmas gift from Aunt Dorothy,
and when we opened it, there was a giant
BLANKET inside.
That thing was AMAZING. It was really soft,
but it was also HEAVY, which is exactly how I
like my blankets. The only problem was that the
gift was for all three of us boys, and we started
fighting over it right away.
We wanted to use the blanket at the same time,
so Mom told us we were gonna have to take
TURNS with it.
45
But the three of us have never been any good
at SHARING, so Mom had to make a blanket