* * *
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001
March 2, 2017
During the course of my confirmation proceedings, I always said that if my impartiality might reasonably be questioned, I would step away from any investigation into Russia.
I was not forthcoming about the depth of my friendship with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak. After he formed a backchannel with Jared Kushner, I leased a flame-red Mazda Miata convertible, I bought a Die Hard pinball machine for my new downtown loft apartment, and I started taking lessons at Guitar Center, with the hope of releasing a prog rock album called Jeff Sessions Is 9/10 of the Law.
I was subsisting almost entirely on Hot Pockets and Pabst Blue Ribbon and I was showing up to work wearing concert T-shirts from Pantera’s 1988 Let’s Get Wet tour. I got my left ear pierced like Barry Bonds and I enrolled in a beginner’s improv seminar. It was time for me to take a step back and to stop repeatedly listening to Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill.
And so today, in accordance with Department of Justice bylaws and Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love, I am recusing myself from the ongoing Russia probe. The deputy attorney general will take over my duties related to the investigation; I plan to go backpacking in Thailand for a few months, visiting temples and reconnecting with myself spiritually. I have a college buddy teaching English in Phnom Penh who told me about this ashram in Ayutthaya that offers a silent meditation retreat and honestly I think more than anything that’s what I need right now, you know, just to really get in touch with who Jeff Sessions is, you know what I mean?
I hope you will follow my blog, Attorney General Jeff Sessions’s Asian Adventure!, which I will try to keep updated but honestly no promises because who knows what the Wi-Fi situation is out there.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions
Person of Interest: Michael Flynn
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Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, seen here at the moment he learned about the mind control supplements included in every Keurig coffee pod
ROLE: National Security Advisor (fired for lying to the vice president about conversations with the Russian ambassador)
FORMER ROLE: National Review Top Commenter (banned for repeatedly insisting the Balloon Boy hoax was actually a real event covered up by the Obama CIA)
SKILLS: Fathering Michael Flynn Jr., a son who is perfectly named in every way
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Somehow got fired for LYING in the White House of DONALD TRUMP
FUN FACT: His twenty-three-day tenure as national security advisor is the shortest for any White House employee (non-Scaramucci division)
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Why Flynn lied about telephone conversations with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak between the election and the inauguration
Email Applications for National Security Advisor
Despite the obvious security risks, President-elect Trump began soliciting email applications for national security advisor in late 2016 (forwarded to us by Melania T., who had access to the TrumpTransition@gmail.com account).
* * *
FROM: Thunder_Roadster@NJ.gov
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Hi Donald,
During the campaign you said we need to stop building bridges and start building walls. Um, hello? There’s no one who knows how to obstruct a bridge like me, Chris Christie.
It’s time for some traffic problems in WASHINGTON D.C. Let’s do this thing!
Chris Christie
FROM: Willie.Robertson@DuckDynasty.com
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Hello Donald,
Thank you for considering this Duck Dynasty commander for National Security Advisor. I vow that, if chosen, the soil of this great nation shall not be trampled upon by the webbed feet of our quacking enemies—be they geese, be they mallards, or be they blue-billed stiff-tails.
Make no mistake: These ducks are not our “feathered friends.” Their beaks are sharp, and their lifestyle is chaos. We must place these crapping, honking terrorists on America’s No-Fly List—permanently.
Willie from Duck Dynasty
FROM: MittRomney@BainCapital.com
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Mr. Trump,
I stand by what I said during the campaign: You are a mentally unfit, demagogic, race-baiting fraud and your election is a stain on our nation’s history. That being said, it would be an honor of a lifetime to work for you, sir.
My vetting information and CV are attached, Your Eminence, Your Grace.
I am forever your humble servant,
Mitt Romney
FROM: Eric.Trump@TrumpOrg.org
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Hi Dad,
I KNOW you said no cabinet positions until I turn 35 but I PROMISE that if you give me Security Advisor I’ll be super responsible with it and I WON’T let my friends access the nation’s surveillance tools.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Dad come on it would be so cool of you PLEASE!
Eric
FROM: Julian@wikileaks.org
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Donald, quick question on this national security advisor role: what’s your policy on telecommuting?
Julian Assange
FROM: admin@hasbro.com
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Hi Donald,
Thank you for your kind email. Unfortunately Megatron from Transformers is not real, and thus will be unable to submit an application for either national security advisor or “King of the Troops.” We have attached an autographed photo from Megatron and wish you the best of luck on your cabinet search.
Hasbro
FROM: Thunder_Roadster@NJ.gov
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Hi Donald,
Chris Christie again. I just learned that in July, Springsteen will be doing a five-night residence in a Wawa parking lot near the Jersey Gardens mall where he’ll be performing nothing but songs about factories shutting down. Obviously I will be unavailable on those days. Just an FYI!
Chris Christie
FROM: MichaelFlynn@TruthWars.net
TO: TrumpTransition@gmail.com
* * *
Hi Donald,
I’m not going to waste your time because this is a very fluid situation. Here’s what’s happening:
1. HILLARY CLINTON IS AN ACTUAL SPIDER
Have you seen these photos where Hellary has 8 legs? We need to find out if any of her pincers are venomous.
2. BILL CLINTON AND LORETTA LYNCH ARE PLANNING TO ROB FT. KNOX
This is what they were talking about during their famous “jetway meeting.”
3. IT’S TIME TO BUILD A ROBOCOP
Do you have any idea how vulnerable Ft. Knox would be to a combined attack from Loretta Lynch and Arachno-Hillary? We need a real-life RoboCop and we need it YESTERDAY.
* * *
—End of relevant material. This goes on for about 138 more topics gleaned from the Twitter hashtag #SpiderGate.—
Top Websites Visited by Incoming National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, November 2016
In late November, President Trump informed Flynn that he was so impressed by his Arachno-Hillary threat matrix that he had been chosen for national security advisor.
Flynn continued to explore the ultra-right-wing Internet. We obtained Flynn’s browser history; for the month of November his top forty-eight most visited websites were:
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1. InfoRevolt.com
2. BrainSplosion.net
3. OneFreedomAmerica.org
4. RiseUpMilitia.gun
5. HemorrhoidPundit.com
6. HillaryClintonIsANecromancer.usa
7. Breitbart.com/AlSharpton
8. The Triggered Snowfl
ake Report
9. LawTruthers.iowa
10. ShoutMax.net/SHOUTING
11. NotInMyCountry.sharia
12. Beltway Maniac
13. Sebastian Gorka’s GorkaBlog.blogspot.Gorka
14. RageMissile.Patriotism
15. TheHumaAbedinFiles.com
16. Wolf Howl For LIBERTY!
17. Instacrank.net
18. SpankFreedom.edu
19. PodestaCrimes.podesta
20. NyT1Mes.c0m
21. Dr. Iceland’s Logic Chamber
22. PatrioticMAGAChick.bikini
23. NuclearFactMissile.org
24. NBC.com/ThisIsUs
25. Pivot Point America
26. Young Lusty Conservatives
27. Mark Levin’s TruthPuke
28. LibertyEnema.com
29. Livejournal.com/donaldtrumpjr
30. Don’t Cuck Me, Bro! News
32. TodayInUSA.ru
33. That’s Ad Hominem! Podcast
34. Gay Wedding Cake SIREN
35. AtlasShrugged.KochBrothers.com
36. Maggie Magdalene’s MAGA Magazine
37. Imprison Ed Begley Jr!
38. The Sludge Report
39. The Irritated Colon
40. TurnAmericaRedButNotInACommunistWay.com
41. Vigilant Wayne’s TerrorBlog
42. TheseColorsDontKneel.biz
43. MyPillow.com
44. YouveGottaSeeThisBumperSticker.net
45. FoxNews.com/JesseWatters/Apologies
46. Scott Baio Presents Shut Up, Celebrities!
47. Unfluoridate Your MIND
48. OpenYourEyesSheeple.sheeple/sheeple
Text Messages Between Michael Flynn, Sean Hannity, Alex Jones, and Steve Bannon
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November 18, 2016
After being named national security advisor, Flynn looked to celebrate. He messaged his three best friends and fellow proponents of right-wing conspiracy theories: Fox News host Sean Hannity, InfoWars founder Alex Jones, and Breitbart chairman Steve Bannon.
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MICHAEL FLYNN
Big news: I am your new National Security Advisor of the United States!
SEAN HANNITY
Awesome!
STEVE BANNON
Excellent!
ALEX JONES
Well deserved!
MICHAEL FLYNN
This calls for celebration!
What do you say we pick up a pepperoni pizza and have a little party?
STEVE BANNON
. . .
What the hell did you just say
ALEX JONES
Oh my God he’s one of THEM
MICHAEL FLYNN
What? You don’t like pepperoni pizza?
ALEX JONES
Flynn
“Pepperoni pizza” is an Illuminati code word
For “satanic pig orgy”
SEAN HANNITY
Flynn: You’re a satan-worshipping Porcophile? Like Valerie Jarrett?
MICHAEL FLYNN
No No No!
I’m not talking about that pizza
I want REAL pizza
You know: Pepperoni, cheese, tomato?
STEVE BANNON
Pepperoni, cheese, tomato?
More like “Pig sex,” “witchcraft,” and “nipple clamps”
You disgust me Flynn
MICHAEL FLYNN
This isn’t a Pizzagate thing, guys. I want pizza!
Wow. If you unscramble the letters in that text . . .
It reads “Get a pentagram, it’s sizzling pig sex night”
MICHAEL FLYNN
No it doesn’t!
I want Italian food!
Spaghetti and meatballs!
Clams with garlic sauce!
STEVE BANNON
Check the first letters, boys
Clams with Garlic Sauce = Cybersex with George Soros
MICHAEL FLYNN
WHAT???
ALEX JONES
Shame on you, Flynn
Pig sex? Cybering with Soros?
You stay at home and think about what you did
Michael Flynn has been ejected from this chat.
STEVE BANNON
Is it just me or did that make anyone else crazy hungry for Italian food lol
Phone Conversation Between Michael Flynn and Sergei Kislyak
* * *
December 22, 2016
Abandoned by his closest friends, Flynn did stay home, and apparently watched a lot of television. Because on December 22, 2016, the FBI picked up the following conversation between Flynn and Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak.
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MICHAEL FLYNN: Sergei, I’m on to something big here, buddy. Lately I’ve been diving down these deep, strange rabbit holes and discovering incredible information that the government doesn’t want you to know.
SERGEI KISLYAK: This is InformationWars website again?
FLYNN: Even farther out there than InfoWars. Have you ever heard of a fringe livestreamer named . . . Lester Holt?
KISLYAK: Lester Holt?
FLYNN: He hosts a semiregular vlog called Nightly News that livestreams on the National Broadcasting Corporation. It’s a ridiculous name for a media organization, I know, but—
KISLYAK: And this NBC News, they are reputable?
FLYNN: The president’s team doesn’t think so. But some of the things this Lester Holt guy says are really opening my eyes. Like . . . did you know that Donald Trump once lost money running a casino, or that Jared Kushner owes a billion dollars to Chinese creditors, or that Jeff Sessions was too racist to be a judge in the 1980s?
KISLYAK: Headlines so outrageous cannot be true.
FLYNN: Sergei, I’ve been blue-pilled. I’ve been diving deep into outsider publications like USA Today and Reuters; I’ve been devouring the work of the radical guerilla documentarian Ken Burns. And Sergei, don’t judge me, but: have you ever approached—with an open mind and without prejudice—PBS Newshour with Judy Woodruff?
KISLYAK: My God, Flynn.
FLYNN: This is going to sound insane and conspiratorial, but . . . I’m starting to think Donald Trump will try to profit off the presidency.
KISLYAK: If your law enforcement agencies are listening to this . . .
FLYNN: I’ll send you a Vox Explainer and an emergency podcast from Pod Save America, but in the meantime, Sergei: we must stay woke. Shoot, I’ve gotta go . . . Pence is coming.
KISLYAK: Okay, but—
FLYNN: So I said, “Oh yeah, ANDERSON COOPER? How can you PROVE that KATHY GRIFFIN doesn’t own a WEATHER MACHINE?”
* * *
—End of Transcript—
Final Interviews Re: Meetings with the Russians
Two months later, Flynn would be fired after telling the vice president he had not talked to Sergei Kislyak, and also for secretly running the Facebook group “Rise and Resist President Cheeto Mussolini!”
Jared Kushner never received the requested funding from Sergei Gorkov. He did secure financing from the First Bank of Pyongyang for his new project, GoWork Greenland, a coworking space with amenities like “Luxury Wi-Fi” that is located atop a floating iceberg in the Arctic Ocean.
After returning from the ashram, Jeff Sessions wore nothing but those linen pants with elephants on them and insisted on eating every meal with chopsticks because “it just makes more sense than a fork.”
The major players in this case shared some final thoughts with our investigative team.
* * *
MICHAEL FLYNN: When the vice president asked if I had talked to Kislyak, I had no choice but to lie. Also I’m pretty sure he saw me walking around the West Wing in an IMPEACH DICTATOR DRUMPF T-shirt.
MIKE PENCE: That kind of conduct is completely unacceptable to me. What if my wife Mother had seen his bare forearms?
DONALD J. TRUMP: The only person who’s allowed t
o lie to our Great Vice President is me when he asks if I’ve prayed recently.
JEFF SESSIONS: I’m not going back to Camp Blue Star this summer because I’m swamped with meetings where the president screams at me. But when times get tough, I just remember what my yogi in Ayutthaya told me: “Sir, this is a KFC, you can’t light candles in here.”
IVANKA TRUMP: We are still looking for funding for our musical. Any potential backers out there should know that we are deep into negotiations with Charlize Theron to play the leading role!
A REPRESENTATIVE FOR CHARLIZE THERON: Ms. Theron will not be appearing in this musical and Mrs. Trump should stop insinuating the contrary.
JARED KUSHNER: I wish I had gotten that funding from Gorkov. I also wish I knew how to stop getting notifications from AshleyMadison. I accidentally looked up “searching for first-time backchannel” on their website and now I keep getting messages asking if I’m an engineer or a caboose.
DONALD J. TRUMP: Look, we did a lot of outreach to Russia during the campaign. You can ask Corey. COREY!