Addie
on the Inside
Other Books by James Howe
Novels
A Night Without Stars
Morgan’s Zoo
The Watcher
The Misfits
Totally Joe
Edited by James Howe
The Color of Absence: Twelve Stories About Loss and Hope
13: Thirteen Stories That Capture the Agony and Ecstasy
of Being Thirteen
Sebastian Barth Mysteries
What Eric Knew
Stage Fright
Eat Your Poison, Dear
Dew Drop Dead
Bunnicula Books
Bunnicula (with Deborah Howe)
Howliday Inn
The Celery Stalks at Midnight
Nighty-Nightmare
Return to Howliday Inn
Bunnicula Strikes Again!
Bunnicula Meets Edgar Allan Crow
Tales from the House of Bunnicula
It Came from Beneath the Bed!
Invasion of the Mind Swappers from Asteroid 6!
Howie Monroe and the Doghouse of Doom
Screaming Mummies of the Pharaoh’s Tomb II
Bud Barkin, Private Eye
The Amazing Odorous Adventures of Stinky Dog
Bunnicula and Friends
The Vampire Bunny
Hot Fudge
Rabbit-cadabra!
Scared Silly
Creepy-Crawly Birthday
The Fright Before Christmas
Pinky and Rex Series
Pinky and Rex
Pinky and Rex Get Married
Pinky and Rex and the Mean Old Witch
Pinky and Rex and the Spelling Bee
Pinky and Rex Go to Camp
Pinky and Rex and the New Baby
Pinky and Rex and the Double-Dad Weekend
Pinky and Rex and the Bully
Pinky and Rex and the New Neighbors
Pinky and Rex and the Perfect Pumpkin
Pinky and Rex and the School Play
Pinky and Rex and the Just-Right Pet
Picture Books
There’s a Monster Under My Bed
There’s a Dragon in My Sleeping Bag
Teddy Bear’s Scrapbook (with Deborah Howe)
Horace and Morris but mostly Dolores
Horace and Morris Join the Chorus (but what about Dolores?)
Kaddish for Grandpa in Jesus’ name amen
Horace and Morris Say Cheese (which makes Dolores sneeze!)
Contents
Part 1
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Part 2
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Part 3
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
Chapter 80
Chapter 81
Chapter 82
Chapter 83
Chapter 84
Chapter 85
Chapter 86
Chapter 87
Chapter 88
Chapter 89
Chapter 90
Chapter 91
Chapter 92
Chapter 93
Chapter 94
Chapter 95
Part 4
Chapter 96
Chapter 97
Chapter 98
Chapter 99
Chapter 100
Chapter 101
Chapter 102
Chapter 103
Chapter 104
Chapter 105
Chapter 106
Chapter 107
Chapter 108
Chapter 109
Chapter 110
Chapter 111
Chapter 112
Chapter 113
Chapter 114
Part 5
Chapter 115
Chapter 116
Chapter 117
Chapter 118
Chapter 119
Chapter 120
Chapter 121
Chapter 122
Chapter 123
Chapter 124
Chapter 125
Chapter 126
Chapter 127
ATHENEUM BOOKS FOR YOUNG READERS
An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events,
real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places,
and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance
to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2011 by James Howe
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
ATHENEUM BOOKS FOR YOUNG READERS is a registered trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event.
For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers
Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.
The text for this book is set in Gotham.
Manufactured in the United States of America
First Edition
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Howe, James, 1946–
Addie on the inside / James Howe. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
Summary: Outspoken thirteen-year-old Addie Carle learns about love,
loss, and staying true to herself as she navigates seventh grade, enjoys
a visit from her grandmother, fights with her boyfriend, and endures
gossip and meanness from h
er former best friend.
ISBN 978-1-4169-1384-9 (hardcover)
eISBN-13: 978-1-4424-2381-7
[1. Novels in verse. 2. Identity—Fiction. 3. Self-acceptance—Fiction.
4. Grandmothers—Fiction. 5. Schools—Fiction.
6. Interpersonal relations—Fiction.]
I. Title.
PZ7.5.H69Ad 2011
[Fic]—dc22 2010024497
To Zoey
Prologue
Who Do You See?
The poems that follow
are written in the voice of
Addie on the inside.
But this poem is written
from me to you,
writer to reader.
I want to ask you:
Who do you see
when you think of me?
Am I young or old,
wise or a fool,
teacher or friend?
Who do you see
when you think of you?
Are you an outsider,
cool, distant, angry,
swimming against the current,
or are you in the flow?
When they tell you,
This is who you are,
do you say yes or no?
Who do you see
when you look at them?
You know the ones I mean:
the others, the olders,
the youngers, the ones
who are not you, not
who wear the labels
you give them until
they give them back,
saying, I believe these
belong to you.
Who do you see when a girl
like Addie walks down the hall,
sharp-eyed, tall,
when a girl like Addie
raises her hand in class
for the hundredth time
offering opinion as fact
and outrage as opinion,
wearing her attitudes
more comfortably than her
less than awesome clothes?
Who do you see
when you look beyond
the skin and the surface,
when you drift to sleep,
when you are the person
no one else knows? Who
are you on the inside?
Don’t answer these questions.
Not yet. First, open your eyes,
your mind, your heart.
See.
—James Howe
Addie
on the Inside
This Purgatory of
the Middle School Years
You Are Who They Say You Are
They say in the seventh grade
you are who they say you are,
but how can that be true?
How can I be a
Godzilla-girl
lezzie loser
know-it-all
big mouth
beanpole
string bean
freaky tall
fall-down
spaz attack
brainiac
maniac
hopeless nerd
*bad word*
brown-nosing
teacher’s pet
showing off
just to get
attention—
oh,
and did I
mention:
flat-chested
(that’s true)
badly dressed
(says you)
social climber
(such a lie)
rabble-rouser
(well, I try)
tree-hugging
tofu-eating
button-wearing
sign-waving
slogan-shouting
protest-marching
troublemaking
hippie-dippy
throwback
to another
time and place?
How can I be all that?
It’s too many things to be.
How can I be all that and
still be true to the real me
while everyone is saying:
This
is
who
you
are.
Every morning I wake up worrying
and not about crushes
or acne or whether
I should stuff my bra
so people will know
I’m wearing one.
I worry about
global warming and
polar bears dying and
war and
more and
more and
more.
I worry about
injustice and
how to make the world
a better place,
because I contend
that if you are not part
of the solution,
you are part
of the problem.
I worry about
the rights of minorities
and I worry about
all the people
who love people
that the people who hate them
don’t want them to love.
I worry about
my parents and
I worry about
my friends and
I worry about
people I don’t even know
who have lost their homes
and their jobs and have
nowhere to go and
I worry about
what happens to
all of their pets and
I worry about
the economy and
the national debt.
I worry about
the animals that are
going extinct
and the animals that are
abused just so we can have
a new scent of perfume
or a new kind of shoes.
I worry how in the world
the world will ever be okay. Then
I turn off my alarm
and get on with the day.
Rush Hour
Morning. Toast. Butter. Jam.
Eggs? No thanks. I am
gathering up my homework,
they are blowing on their tea.
Grandma’s coming for a visit.
That’s nice, I say. Is it
for a weekend or a week?
Backpack. Keys. Other shoe.
A week or maybe more. Dad
shakes his head at bad
news in the paper. Cereal?
Only if there’s Special K.
Why did I wear black pants?
Mom asks after a chance
encounter between both her legs
and both the cats.
Look at the time. Dishes. Sink.
Feed the cats. Quickly drink
the last of the orange juice.
Grab a sweater.
Joe’s at the door. Let’s go,
he calls out, and I know
I’m forgetting something.
Where’s my kiss? calls Dad.
Peck on the cheek. Money
for lunch. Mom says, Honey,
remember what we talked about.
I’ve no idea what she means.
I will, I say, and I’m out the door,
the cats pushing ahead, off to explore.
Joe says something that
makes me laugh.
Sidewalks. Curbs. Friends wave
at us from the next street. They’ve
got backpacks. Toast. Butter. Jam.
Who knows why I’m happy.
I just am.
Becca Has Something to Say
My best friends are
Joe
and
Bobby
and
Skeezie,
and even though I have other friends,
these three are my best, oldest, truest,
and forever o
nes.
This morning, between English and art,
in the three minutes when the hall
is like a race being run by animals
sprung from their cages, when it’s all
you can do to get to your locker
and get to your class,
Becca Wrightsman takes the time
to point out that my best friends are
all boys. “Really, Addie,” she says,
“that’s so gay.” She smiles
as if she were my best and oldest
and truest and forever friend
before shouting, “Tonni, wait up!”
I stand there as she and Tonni
knock their heads together, laughing,
stand there as the other kids stampede by,
roar past, as bells ring and doors slam shut
up and down the hall,
stand there until I am the only one,
saying to no one at all:
“It is not.”
“That’s so gay”
is an expression I hate.
Do you mind if I change it
to “that’s so straight”?
The Good Samaritan
Becca Wrightsman says to me—
out of nowhere at all—says to me,
“I can fix your look.” This
is in the hall just before French.
Excuse me?
“Really, Addie.” Twirling her
hair. “You need a makeover.
For starters you should wear a
bra.” Dropping her voice,
raising her eyebrows. “Even if,
you know, there’s nothing
there.”
Excuse me?
“And you could use some
blush and then there’s your
hair, that’s going to be a
challenge. But you know me,
I love a challenge. Oops,
there’s the bell. Gotta run.
TTFN.”
Excuse me:
I do not know you
and I am wearing a bra
and nobody says TTFN
and now
I am late
for French.
Who is Becca Wrightsman
with her skintight jeans
and her pouty-pouty lips
and the way she moves her hips
that made Jimmy Lemon
collide with Jason Kline so
they both dropped their backpacks
at the very same time?
(I am so not kidding.)
With her perfect little purse
and her perfect phony tan
and the way she waves her hands