CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Beforwards
Full Stop
Consultation Exercise
Dalek
Taking The Air
Retiring
Waiting For A Friend
Contents
Dear Humans
The Death List
Special Features
The Hard Stair
A Simple Truth
The Master’s Beard
The Toymaker
Goodbyes
The Flower Sour
The Companion’s Lament
Winning
Said Alice
The Happy Brig
To Anonymous
Curtain
The Five Doctors
Something Borrowed, Something Blue
The Guardians
The Boy Wonder
Steps
The Red And The Blue
The Mara
Shortness Of Breath
Ode To A Krynoid
To Her Coy Doctor
Christmas On Mars
Skipping Song
The Galactic Council
Josephine Grant
A Good Man
The Guide Dog
Rassilon Why?
Yeti Song
Cool Thing
Games
Absences
Possibilies
Rice Pudding
Have You Seen . . . ?
Next Episode
Harriet Jones, PM
Friend Ship
Afterwords
Verity
About the Authors
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
BEFORWARDS
Dawn came to the Thousand Year Wood. It had snowed
again, as it always did. Figment poked his head out of his
little burrow and made his careful way through the fresh
white snow.
He wondered if today he’d meet Whoot the Owl. Whoot
had been working on a Special Snowing Song, the words of
which he’d learned by heart yesterday, but today they were
gone from the tip of his tongue.
“Oh dear,” said Figment. “I must stop keeping things on
the tip of my tongue.”
He carried on his happy way through the Thousand Year
Wood, trying ever so hard to remember that song. Songs
were like that in the Thousand Year Wood. You’d go to
sleep with them laid out ready to slip on the next morning,
only to wake up and find them all covered in the snow of a
new day.
Figment wondered which of his friends he’d find in the
snow today. Perhaps TymeWore (such a sad little donkey)
or maybe he’d be whisked away by Dr Roo, who’d want
him to go hunting for Gallifrump.
Figment pottered on, until he stubbed his toe against
something in the snow.
“Ow,” said Figment and scratched his head when he’d
stopped rubbing his toe. “What’s this?”
It was a tree, hidden in the snow. He worked to uncover
it, singing a jolly little Uncovering Song as he worked. The
tree was square and blue, which was exciting, as Figment
had never seen a blue tree before. There was some writing
on the blue tree, which Figment couldn’t quite make out.
He scratched his head (which had seen a good deal of
scratching) and spelt out what he could.
“OFFICERSANDCARS
RESPOND TO URGENT CALLS”
Figment read it again and he smiled. “How terribly nice
of Officer Sandcars,” he said to himself. Figment wondered
ever so much what he looked like.
“I do hope my call is urgent,” said Figment. “Or, at least,
that it sounds urgent.”
Puzzling this problem, Figment wandered away into
the Thousand Year Wood. He was humming to
himself, humming a tune which the strange blue tree
had taught him . . .
FULL STOP
(after ‘The End’)
When I was One
I was not much fun
When I was Two
I was barely through
When I was Three
I liked strong tea
When I was Four
I hated a bore
When I was Five
I was so alive
When I was Six
I somehow could never quite fit in to what was expected of me, well, not exactly but that was because things weren’t neat and there are no easy rhymes in the universe and scansion, my dear Peri, is a thing that’s really overrated and you only have to look at a sunset to realise that creation itself is a poem and oh no wait, got it, of course, Fix! The line needed to end with Fix! (Or tricks. That works too.)
When I was Seven
I sent gods to Heaven
When I was Eight
Kissing was great
When I was Nine
I fought time
When I was Ten
I began again
When I was Eleven
I totally got even
When I was Twelve, I became as clever as clever
And now I think I’ll be Twelve for ever and ever*
(*Unless, of course, there is a terrible catastrophe involving explosions, radiation or heights. And then I guess we’ll find out what comes next. But the eyebrows won’t be as good.)
CONSULTATION EXERCISE
(after ‘Disobedience’)
“Quarks, Quarks
Cybermen, Cybermen
Mechonoids, Voord, Zarbi
Take great care!” said the Doctor
“Although I am only me.
It’s more than it’s worth to invade the Earth, without
First consulting me.”
“Quarks, Quarks
Cybermen, Cybermen
Mechonoids, Voord, Zarbi
If your Battlefleet happens to
In the vicinity be
Then I’ll teach you – reluctantly”
(said the Dr, said he)
“To give the Earth a rather wide berth, rather
Than tangle with me.”
Davros
Put up a notice
“WANTED DEAD or ALIVE!
(BEST DEAD)
THIS NASTY IMPOSTOR
THAT SOME CALL THE DOCTOR
JUST CANNOT BE SHOWN TO THRIVE
(PS: DO LEAVE OFF THE EARTH, IT’S REALLY
OUR TURF, AND WELL,
WE WOULD SO HATE TO FIGHT).”
Quarks, Quarks
Cybermen, Cybermen
Mechonoids, Voord, Zarbi
They all took some exception
To this unkind direction.
“So that is how old man Davros
Thinks it is going to be?
To tell us the Earth is his private turf ? The cheek
Of the man. Well, we’ll see.”
Quarks, Quarks
Cybermen, Cybermen
(Commonly known as Them)
Told their friends, relations and alien nations
That, well
Sol 3 was a bit of a gem.
“We’ll conquer the Earth for all that it’s worth. But first
We’ll give Davros something to see.”
Quarks, Quarks,
Many and all and each
Got up a peach of a fleet
With which
Davros a lesson to teach,
But sadly themselves o
verreached.
And the battle’s too grim to repeat.
Save that
Ev’ron’s plans for the Earth, no matter their worth, ended
In total defeat.
“Q. Q.
C. C.
M. V. & ZB!”
Said the Dr (Commonly known as He)
“Oh dear
Oh dear and oh dear me
I told you so and that was my plea.
This is what happens you see.
It is more than it’s worth to invade the Earth, without
First consulting me.”
DALEK
(after ‘Furry Bear’)
If I were a Dalek
And a big Dalek too
I shouldn’t much care
If it froze or snew.
I shouldn’t much mind
If it rained acid
I’d be all lead-lined
With a coat like his.
For I’d have no eyes just a stalk to see
And I’d have no legs but I’d glide nicely
There’d be no arms but my big gun would kill
And there’d be a sucker which would, um, still-
I would have no heart and I’d have no soul
Which would help when being lonely takes its toll.
If I were a Dalek
And a big Dalek too
I shouldn’t much care
What happened to you.
You could run away
You could say goodbye
And I’d be all lead-lined
With a coat like his.
TAKING THE AIR
(after ‘Sand-between-the-toes’)
There was a roaring in the sky
The pigeons cried as they blew by
We tried to talk but had to shout
Someone had let the Atmos out.
Air is lovely, air is clean
Life without is jolly mean.
Sontarans are boist’rous fellows
If a trifle ’clined to bellow.
Why they’ve stol’n the air I’ve no idea
But it makes living tricky here.
The sky is nice, the sky is blue
But right now it’s choking too.
Nanny says best not to worry
Just hold on tight, don’t you hurry.
The Doctor, he will sort it out
It’s getting dark, it’s getting dire-
Good Lord! And now the sky’s on fire!
Doctor, Doctor, do please hurry
Nanny has begun to worry.
Big Ted’s gone quiet – it’s his last breath
I fear we may now choke to
RETIRING
(after ‘Knight-in Armour’)
On days I don’t want to Doctor much
I worry that I shall lose my touch
All that running down those corridors
Thwartings of tyrants and dreadful bores
Brave rescues from the Foul Monster’s Lair
And firm trouncing all the Demons There.
Chaos never ends, oh that’s the shame
So yes I tire of just one more game.
Sometimes when the same old fight begins
I fear, just once, I’ll let Evil win.
And then, on second thought, perhaps I won’t
Because they’re Monsters, and so I don’t.
On days like that I don’t think at all
That being the Doctor’s so bad after all.
WAITING FOR A FRIEND
(after ‘Rice Pudding’)
“What is the matter with Sarah Jane?
She stands and stands out in the rain.
Let’s just ask, for sure she’ll tell
I do not think that she looks well . . .”
Owl and I
I and Owl
Wait for a friend
Who never comes.
(Well, not yet)
Yes, he did not come today
But he’ll surely come tomorrow.
Maybe he came last Wednesday week?
Oh, that’d be a sorrow.
Owl and I
I and Owl
Waiting for a friend
Who never comes.
Don’t you worry –
It’s just like HIM
“I’ll not forget you.”
(All toothy grin)
I’m quite sad,
My brain’s disordered
I’m sure it’s NOT
What the Doctor ordered.
The cheek!
The nerve!
He dumps me here,
Sight unseen
In holy, roly, poly
Aberdeen!!!
No, he did not come today.
No, will not come tomorrow.
He did not come last Wednesday week.
Face it, girl.
Oh, and-
Bus fare borrow.
“What was the matter with Sarah Jane?
She no longer stands out in the rain.
She smiles and smiles and won’t say why
There’s that odd look in her eye.”
Owl and I
I and Owl
Waited for a friend.
Who never came.
CONTENTS
(after ‘Happiness’)
The Doctor
Had
A nice
New face.
It fitted
Well.
Went
Into place.
The hair was
Short.
The nose just
Right.
The legs were
Firm.
The eyes quite
Bright.
The problem
Was:
“These clothes
Won’t Do!”
“They’re off-the-
Peg
I’ll have something
New!”
“A frilly
Shirt?”
(Think I’m over them)
“Time for a
Scarf ?”
(A touch too soon)
“Some sturdy
Boots!”
(Handy for the moon)
“And finally
A nice new
Hat.”
“And that,”
(said the Doctor)
“Is that.”
DEAR HUMANS
What a funny little planet
All green and blue
And what funny people in it
Including you.
A few million years since you crawled
Up out the mud,
It’s in your blood.
An inventive, invincible
Curious species.
Yet destructive, stupid, cruel.
How odd truth is.
You’ve cosmic wars and holocausts
Fought and survived.
Flood, famine, solar flares and plague
Suffered through, thrived.
You’re puny defenceless bipeds
Homo Sapiens.
Yet wonderfully tough, I’ve said.
(I’m man’s best friend.)
For here is the human spirit
Undoubtedly.
Amongst the stars, ready to outsit
Eternity.
Indomitable!
In
dom
it
able!
THE DEATH LIST
(after ‘The King’s Breakfast’)
The King asked
The Queen and
The Queen asked
The Chamberlain
“Could we have the Doctor made
So very very dead?”
The Queen asked
The Chancellor.
The Chancellor
Said “Certainly
I’ll go and talk to
The People
Now
&nbs
p; Before they go to bed.”
The Chancellor
He exited
And went and told
The Alderman
“Don’t forget the Doctor must
be very nicely dead.”
The Alderman told
The Vizier
The Vizier
Said “Certainly
I’ll go and talk to
The Prime Minister
Before she goes to bed.”
The Prime Minister
Said “I hear you”
And went and told
The Guard Captain
“His Majesty would like the Doctor
To be swiftly, neatly dead.”
The Guard Captain told
The Henchmen
The Henchmen
They said “Obviously,
We’ll go and tell
The Assassin
Before they go to bed.”
The Henchmen
They nodded
And went and told
The Assassin
“Don’t forget you’d better make
the Doctor very, very dead.”
The Masked Assassin
Said slyly
“You’d better tell
His Majesty
That many people nowadays
Like democracy
Instead.”
The King said
“Bother!”
And then he said
“Democracy?”
The King sobbed. “Oh infamy!”
And went back to bed.
“Nobody,”
He whimpered
“Could call me
A nasty man.
I only want
Eternal rule
And the Doctor dead.”
The Queen said
“There! There!”
And went and told
The Chancellor.
The Chancellor
Said “There! There!”
And went to the people.
The people said
“There! There!
We didn’t really mean it.
We’re happy in our misery
Take the Doctor in our stead.”
The Queen took
The Doctor
And brought her to
His Majesty.
The King said
“Doctor, eh?”
And he bounded out of bed.
(And the Doctor smiled
Quietly)
“You know
I was your Masked Assassin.
Fraid you’ll have to do the job