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    Holy Socks And Dirtier Demons

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      cat to save the babe?”

      I took a deep breath and counted to ten. “Forget it. You stay here. If I

      don’t come back, tell God I deserve a fluffier cloud.”

      “We don’t sleep on clo—”

      I closed the door on his lie.

      97

      ~ * ~

      At the gate of the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, I passed a ten dollar bill

      to a bored attendant, and in return received a map folded into a swan. It must

      be loads of fun working at a garden in February.

      I dissected the swan and followed the map to the Trail of Evolution. I

      sniffed the air. Nothing but the rot of dirt, and dying flowers. No new baby

      Jesus smell. No brimstone. I inhaled again, this time catching a whiff of

      something familiar and indefinable.

      Opening the door to the conservatory, I dragged Tyrfing in my wake

      and wiped away a drip of sweat hanging above my lip. A couple of tourist,

      wide-eyed at the sight of a deranged guy with a sword, ran out of the exhibit,

      slipping in pools of condensation. I smiled, and nodded as they passed. Why

      not? Tourism paid the city’s bills.

      I stepped into the foliage. A rainforest of exotic hothouse plants hid

      my presence. The air felt heavy and much too warm, even for a greenhouse.

      Sweaty hot evil. I could almost taste it. It crept through the conservatory,

      tainting everything.

      A child’s laugh broke the malevolent vibe surrounding me. I smiled

      at the sound. The kid. He was here. I waded my way through the fauna,

      pausing every few seconds to listen. Nothing. Shit.

      Stepping through a ring of trees, I found myself in the middle of a

      watery oasis. Water beat against an outcropping of rocks, and a heated spray

      soaked my skin.

      Water. Damn, I owed Sid an apology.

      I ducked behind a bush when the shout of voices ahead reached me.

      Unfortunately, the bush was poison sumac. My skin instantly began to itch, a

      psychosomatic reaction I’m sure, but a pain in the ass just the same.

      I peeked over the bush and saw the kid, all two-feet of him dressed in

      a light blue sailor suit. A tiny sailor’s cap sat atop his blond head. Those evil

      bastards. What had they done to him?

      Nevertheless, the kid was amusing himself by reviving an ice-age

      fossil of a shellfish before smiting it, again and again. Alive. Dead. Alive.

      Dead. The fish finally stopped returning from the great beyond, and the kid

      started to snivel, ready to let loose a wail of biblical proportions.

      Good. A scene would be the distraction I needed.

      The kid’s bottom lip quivered, and my heart jumped a beat.

      Showtime. But before he burst into a full-blown tempter tantrum, a feminine

      arm picked him up. Straining to see the kidnapper’s face or at least her

      breasts, a sick feeling pooled in my lower intestine. It couldn’t be.

      “Mine,” the kid screeched, and did that kid-claw-fingered-pinchy-

      thing with his hands.

      Shit. He spotted me. Time to move. I jumped from the bush, my

      sword poised for battle. Bring it on, I thought seconds before the aroma of

      sulfur fumed around me and ten pounds of metal smashed into the back of

      98

      my skull.

      I fell to the damp ground. My final thought: Good thing the kid had

      practiced raising the dead.

      99

      Twenty Nine

      “Jace, hold still.” Lilith’s pale face slowly came into focus. She stood

      above me, tears sliding down her cheeks. “You’ll be all right. Just let Angel

      do his job.”

      “Y B tch,” I mouthed and kicked a leg up to strangle her.

      Lilith smacked the angel. “I think you put something in wrong. He’s

      trying to strangle me with his foot, and can’t say vowels. Fix him.”

      “It isn’t as easy as it looks, you know.” The angel searched the

      ground for more smashed gray matter. “Ah, there it is.” He pressed a piece of

      my brain in place, and an electrical current shot down my spine.

      I blinked a few times. “You bitch.” Whew. This time my arms

      reached out to choke the life out of her.

      “What is your problem?” Her fist met my jaw. “I save your life and

      this is the thanks I get.”

      “I actually did the life saving.” The angel glared at Lilith. “You

      merely drove us here.”

      She tucked her arms across her chest, and tapped her booted foot. “If

      I hadn’t gone looking for him, you’d still be buying bath salts on the Home

      Shopping Network. And Jace would be dead.”

      “He was dead.” The angel lifted me from the ground. “And I brought

      his soul back.”

      “Enough.” I stumbled toward Lilith like Frankenstein’s monster.

      “How’d you get away from Samuel?” Suspicion curled in my stomach. Was

      it her with the kid? Had she killed me? Or had the womanly arm belonged to

      another? Samuel’s current succubus?

      She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is, did you find

      J.C.?”

      “Yeah.”

      “So where is he?” She gazed around the plant-filled room.

      “Not here, apparently.” I took a step closer to her. “After my brains

      got bashed in, I lost him.”

      “Oh, okay.” She gave me a pacifying smile, all pretty white teeth.

      “At least we know he’s okay.”

      100

      “Was okay,” I mumbled. Who knew what his kidnappers had done

      after my murder. “How’d you find me?”

      “I tried the GPS signal on my cell phone first, but I couldn’t pick up

      the signal.” She scratched her head.

      Oops. I pictured the bits of busted cell phone on Mary’s floor. Faking

      a search through my jean pockets, I said, “I must’ve dropped it.”

      Her head tilted, but she didn’t call me on it. “When I… got back to

      my apartment, he—” she flicked a wrist at the angel, “—told me you’d found

      the kid, but not where. So I started looking for you.”

      “And?”

      “We called God,” the angel sneered. “But Michael answered. Now

      he’s going to Lord this over my head for the next eon.”

      “I said I’d make it up to you.” Lilith rolled her eyes. “I don’t know

      how you put up with him for the last eight months.”

      The angel frowned. “And I don’t know why he needs you. A

      woman’s place is in the kitchen.”

      I laughed as Lilith lunged at him, but I pulled her up short before she

      could do any damage. “As much as I’d love to see you kick his angelic ass,

      we should go.” Something crept through me, a warning of danger, a feeling

      of impeding disaster, but that might have been a result of a head full of soupy

      brain.

      Lilith nodded, and touched the side of my dented head. “Can you

      walk?”

      Even if I couldn’t there was no way in hell I’d let her carry me. “I’m

      fine. Nothing more than a headache.” The size of Texas.

      Lilith nodded, keeping her arm wrapped around my waist as we

      followed the yellow brick road down the Evolutionary path.

      Halfway down the trail, I stopped. “Where’s the sword?” Shit. I

      turned around and headed back toward the watery alcove.

      Lilith’s eyes flashed. “You lost Tyrfing?”

      “I
    didn’t lose it.”

      “Well, it wasn’t by your corpse. So I’m guessing you lost it.” She

      shook her head, looking disgusted.

      Bitch. “Sorry for dying and all. Next time I’ll let you have the

      honor.”

      “Won’t happen.” She winked. “I’m much harder to kill. Hell, one

      little smack in the head with a tire iron and you’re down for the count.”

      “She has a point.” The angel looked up long enough from his

      manicured nails to nod.

      A humming echoed from the rainforest on my right. Suddenly

      Tyrfing shot across the sky and embedded itself in the angel’s midsection. He

      let out an annoyed squeak, and fell to the ground.

      Oops.

      “Damn it, can’t you control yourself? You’re like a kid with A.D.D.”

      101

      She kicked at the unmoving angel. “Shit, we’re going to have to carry him to

      the car.”

      Guilt rose inside me, but only a little bit. He was annoying, vain, and

      for the most part unhelpful. Really more of a pain in the ass than anything

      else.

      Lilith struggled with his feet. “A little help here.”

      “Why? I thought you were tough. Could do everything for yourself?”

      At this point, I was just being a dick, exhaustion overriding my common

      sense.

      “I apologize for my earlier comment. It was uncalled for and mean. I

      guess you could say—” She winked at me. “—The devil made me do it.”

      I laughed, and begrudgingly wrapped my arms around the angel’s

      torso. We half dragged his body along the Evolutionary Trail and to the

      Gremlin’s hatchback. Intelligent design, my ass.

      102

      Thirty

      Lilith drove slowly across the Brooklyn Bridge, careful not to draw

      attention to the fact we had a kabobed angel stuffed in our hatchback.

      “Will he be okay?” I glanced into the backseat, noting the angel’s

      pale face and the slight blue tint around his lips.

      Lilith swung into the fast lane to avoid a slow moving truck. Its

      bumper sticker read: “Don’t follow me, follow Jesus!” She shook her head

      and stabbed the gas pedal. “Angel will be fine. I have some bandages at

      home that will fix him right up.”

      “I didn’t mean to...”

      “I know, but better him than me.” She shivered. “There’d be no

      saving me. Remember that the next time you want my blood.”

      “Stop pissing me off then.” I chuckled, feeling my tension ease. “I

      bet that’s the last time the angel mouths off.”

      She laughed. “Somehow I doubt it.”

      And damn if she wasn’t right. An hour later, fully restored to his

      angelic state, he looked down his nose at me and said, “When was the last

      time you showered? You smell like the devil.”

      I flexed my fingers on the hilt of the sword I’d pulled from his torso,

      and weighed the cost/benefit of shoving it back in.

      “Hey, Jace, I have to run to the store for cat food.” Lilith reached

      inside her cookie jar, frowned at my I.O.U., but didn’t comment. “Try not to

      destroy anything else,” she glanced at the picture of Alex Trebek, “while I’m

      gone.”

      “Cat food. Good idea. The kid will be hungry when we...” I stopped

      myself when Lilith shot me a confused glare. Oh right, food for the evil cat.

      “Do not let anyone in and stay out of sight. Samuel’s looking for

      you,” she warned.

      “I can handle him.”

      “Right.” Blowing me a kiss, she left the apartment, slamming the

      door in my face.

      “Do you want to play Mage?” The angel tapped me on the shoulder.

      He held a ten-sided dice in one hand and wore a geeky grin, which reminded

      103

      me of a high school kid taking his mom to prom.

      “Not in this lifetime.” I stepped by him, and dropped into the soft

      couch. “Go watch TV or something.”

      “The mean one does not have cable,” he whispered as if it was a sin,

      and I guess in his world it was.

      A knock sounded at the door. The angel and I looked at each other,

      and then at the door. I stood and reached for Tyrfing. The angel shuddered,

      but for once kept his mouth shut. Maybe Lilith had forgotten her keys. Nope,

      I remembered seeing them clutched in her hand.

      “Who’s there?” the angel asked in a falsetto when another knock

      rattled the wood.

      “Your local Avon representative,” a harsh male voice answered.

      “We’re having a sale on bath salts.”

      I rolled my eyes. How stupid did you have to be—?

      Fuck.

      The angel pulled open the door before I could stop him. “Do you

      have any lavender?” he asked. Throwing my body against the door, I tried to

      slam it closed, but a meaty hand slipped through, grabbed my neck, and

      tossed me across the room. I landed with a crash, smashing against Lilith’s

      white painted bookcase. The Anti-Christ’s Cookbook thunked me on the

      head, and Bodhi hissed at me from his perch on Lilith’s bed.

      Ignoring the spoiled cat, I blinked at the hulking demon currently

      giving the angel a beat down. This was not going to be fun.

      I stumbled to my feet, glad to see Tyrfing still in my hand. “Hey.” I

      tapped the sword against the floor. “What is it with you demons? Are you all

      stupid?”

      Braathwaate, the demon of ignorance, glanced up from choking the

      angel. He looked like a demon should look; big, dumb, and ugly. Unlike

      Lilith, who looked far better naked then the man/beast in front of me.

      “Can’t Satan afford pants?” I dragged Tyrfing across the carpet. “I

      hope to hell he gives you guys a good health plan.” I reared back, and swung

      the sword at the demon’s head. Not surprising, Tyrfing struck true and the

      demon’s head rolled from its body and fell to the floor. Pus seeped from the

      wound, and onto the white carpet. Lilith was going to be pissed.

      “Well that was easy.” I kicked at the demon’s headless body. It

      toppled to the ground and shattered into three pieces. Three repulsive, fetid

      pieces.

      I leaned down, and helped the angel to his feet. “Next time. Don’t

      open the door.” A rush of power ran through me. I’d finally defeated one of

      Satan’s minions. How was that for tough? “Ummm, Nemamiah,” the angel

      called.

      Shit. I knew it was too good to be true. I spun around, and stood

      facing four hulking, and now a bit shorter demons.

      The closest demon growled before grabbing me in a chokehold. Pop.

      104

      Pop. Pop. My vertebrate snapped in succession. He released me, and I

      dropped to the ground. Oddly, the hard floor comforted me somewhat until

      the second demon stomped on my ribs like a soccer ball.

      Blood shot from my mouth sprinkling Bodhi. Big red globs of snot

      covered the growling cat. He jumped on my leg with his claws extended. I

      kicked him off, just in time for the third demon’s assault on my vital little

      jaces. My nuts headed north, and my stomach followed that direction,

      spewing the lining of what used to be my esophagus.

      “For God sakes, help me.” I motioned to the angel, who hovered near

      the ceiling, out of reach to the dwarfed demon
    s. Dwarfed demons that

      roamed around the apartment, knocked over furniture, and made a big mess.

      “Will you play Mage with me?” the angel asked, plucking at his

      feathers.

      Bastard. “Fine.”

      “Fine.” He huffed back and waved his hand.

      Tyrfing clattered against the floor, and flew into my hand like

      something out of a sci-fi movie. The kind of movie with cheesy special

      effects and a hero too blinded by the femme fatale’s beauty to realize his

      danger until she sucked out his soul.

      My fingers tightened on the hilt the sword, and I pulled back to

      deliver a deathblow. One of the demons smiled. I shanked his naked, green

      ass. Pus boiled from his wound, splattering the walls. Ummm, not good.

      The demon split into two more, again shorter demons. They glanced

      at one in another and laughed. I gripped Tyrfing tighter and tried again.

      Thwack. Suddenly I was faced with eight midget demons.

      I quickly did the math, hacking away until the room was covered in

      six-centimeter sized fiends, who looked a lot like little green army men, but

      shorter.

      All part of my plan, I assured myself as they danced around me,

      stabbing my feet with their teeny-tiny fingernails. Sharp, pokey, teeny-tiny

      nails.

      Bodhi jumped from the top of the refrigerator, swatting at a few of

      the demons with his own sharp claws. With miniature shrieks, the demons

      scattered, which only excited the hungry cat. He choked down a few of the

      olive monsters.

      I smiled. For once, the cat was helpful. The angel, however, refused

      to come down. He floated above me, still annoyed that Avon hadn’t come

      calling.

      “Ow.” I kicked at a demon biting my ankle. He flipped through the

      air, skidded across the floor, and smacked into the oven with a splat, a loud

      smacking splat complete with emerald spray.

      An invisible light bulb popped above my head. With grim delight, I

      lifted my foot and squashed a handful of demons under my boot. They made

      a crunching sound much like cockroaches, but then again, roaches didn’t

      105

      scream, or beg for mercy.

      Next thing I knew, I’m dancing around Lilith’s apartment crushing

      demons while singing Whistle While You Work. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. A

     


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