to YiaYia
to me
and I think
something’s wrong
what? I say
Mom tells me
it’s my choice—
I can go back
to Japan
in January
if I want
since it looks definite
Dad will go back then
she says she and Toby
will stay with YiaYia
but if I want
I can return to Kamakura
just after winter break
to attend international school
we know that’s what you want, honey
she says
I lean back in my chair, say
I thought we needed to stay together
you, Toby, me
for all this
that’s what you said in August
that’s what Dad’s been saying
but Mom says something about the prognosis
being better than she’d initially feared
and adds I think by January
I’ll be able to manage better
even if we have to be apart for a while
she sets out details:
I’d be on my own a lot
I’d have to cook dinners
I’d have to do laundry
be disciplined about my homework
and on and on
but I only half listen
she’s waiting for my response
I think she expected me
to jump for joy
because when I sit there
gripping my mug of tea
caught between
Japan and Massachusetts
stunned to have gotten what
I’d secretly been wishing for
she says Emma?
after New Year’s? I ask
yes Mom says
just after your birthday—
I refuse to miss that
her jaw sets as she says this
and it occurs to me just then
that she’s opposed to the idea
and maybe Dad is, too
but they’re offering anyway
I count the months, weeks, days
whatever I’d have here
before I left for Japan
the time I’d have to
try Cambodian dance
the time I’d have leading the tanko bushi
at halftime shows
the time I’d have for poetry workshops
the time I’d have with Zena
the time I’d have
with Samnang
and suddenly
it seems like nowhere near
enough
I don’t know I say
and Mom and YiaYia both
jerk their heads back in surprise
then I consider . . .
the one-year anniversary . . .
I could be there in Japan
maybe even in Tohoku
I’ll mull it over I say
set down my tea
I need to think
I go up to my room
close the door
and lie down on my bed
stiff as a plank
I stare at the ceiling
trying to visualize the pros
to each option, the cons
to each option
in my journal
I make lists
but they’re no help
Japan
Dad
Madoka
Tohoku visits
international school
fund-raising
one-year anniversary
Japanese language
spring soccer
Massachusetts
Mom
Zena
Cambodian dance
tanko bushi and full program
YiaYia
Toby
driver’s license
Samnang
when there’s hardly any daylight left
I put on my coat and gloves
and go outside to sit on the freezing bricks
of YiaYia’s steps to the backyard
out there it feels private
in the dark and cutting air
but I can’t sit still
so I start pacing
back and forth
across the yard
picking up fallen sticks
flinging them at a tree
I don’t know what to do
or how I’m supposed to decide
or what the consequences will be
of choosing one way over the other
at last I call Samnang
hey he says warmly
and I nearly lose my nerve
but I ask him
Samnang, I have to know
why did you kiss me today?
oh he says
and he’s quiet a long time
so long a car comes to a pause at the stop sign
turns and continues up the street
lights raking yards as it disappears
and the dusk turns silent again
I kissed you because he says softly
I wait for him to say more
that’s it?
no he says
but that’s all that needs saying right now
and he’s right
I can read the air between us
I could read it all day between us
there’s no need for words
thanks I whisper
I walk across the yard
to a woodpile left from when
Papou was alive and well
split logs I can barely make out
in the light from the kitchen window
I sit down on the pile
elbow on one knee
head in one hand
holding Samnang’s breathing
close to my ear with the other
I want to weep
Samnang I say
I just learned I can go back to Japan
if I want
not right away
but soon
I hear the air explode out of him
like how not right away? he says
like . . . I’d be able to get my permit
and your license?
not my license
I’d go back with my father
to start school in January
I hear a door bang shut
or a book thrown
then he’s wheezing
and I count seven inhales
and seven exhales
yeah, but . . . he says
I know I say
then I tell him I need to walk
for a bit, just think
that I need him to stay on the line
and he agrees
I go around to the front of the house
and make my way up the street
over the cracks and swollen
root wounds of the sidewalk
I like that he’s okay with silence
as if he’s walking with me
I like that he doesn’t feel the need
to fill the quiet every second
look
Samnang eventually says
I get it about being pushed and pulled
and pressure and guilt
but you can help from here
I know I can I say
but now they’re saying I can go back
and I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what’s right
well, I can’t tell you what’s right he says
I know, I’m not asking you to
but Samnang, whichever way I decide
I think I may have to try on the idea
before I make it final
Emma
he suddenly says stay
he’s never spoken to me like this
with my name and a command
why? I ask
he hedges
there are plenty of reasons he says
but the vagueness bothers me
like? I ask, just wanting to hear him say
but then his voice turns sharp
like figure it out! he says
and hangs up
I hide out in my room
till YiaYia calls me down for dinner
which I hardly touch
then I go upstairs to write in my journal
at a blank page
the next morning
I get an email from Madoka
who must have heard from her parents
that my father’s going back
she says she’ll be preparing for high-school entrance exams
she says she’ll be busy but we can study together if I like
she says we can have dinner together now and then
but her words are muted
she doesn’t say she’s pleased
or is waiting for me
I disappear into homework
wishing Samnang would call
but he doesn’t
and I can’t say I blame him
Jae-Sun is mad at me when I mention
the possibility of my going back, saying
I already committed to Boston Model UN
so why can’t I just stay till that’s over
you flip-flopped he says
my parents flip-flopped I say
I decide not to say anything to Tracy
until I really know what I’m doing
Samnang is sullen
distant and cool
when we meet
in the halls at school
but by Wednesday
when we drive to the Newall Center
he’s thawed some
focusing less on later
and more on now
which is what I want to do
for a change
we skirt the topic of my decision
talk about our classes
our plans with Leap Sok and Zena
even dance
he tells me he consulted the dance troupe director
even checked with the other dancers
and they said I can join the practices
from next week after their performance
he adds I asked about summers, too
in case you want to join in
whenever you’re back here
thanks I say
as he parks at the center
so grateful that he’s waiting
patient
not pressing me
for an answer
on my decision
we sign in
and elevator up
to the wards
to our patients’ rooms
when I reach Zena’s room I’m surprised
to find Sarah, unannounced
it seems—a class was canceled
and someone in her program had to drive
to UMass Lowell and Sarah caught a ride
my first thought is disappointment
since I’d wanted to talk through my decision
with Zena, to gauge her reaction
seek her guidance
but now I see that Zena
is frustrated with the computer and Sarah
doesn’t know what to do, so I drop my bag
put the good letter board in Sarah’s hands
then turn away, shuffle papers
pretending to hunt for my poems
finally Sarah gets
letter by letter
word by word
the simple things
Zena is telling her
that she likes Sarah’s haircut
that Sarah looks healthy
but should wear a thicker coat
and b-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d?
Sarah says
yes, he’s still with me
then Zena spells w-e-d-d-i-n-g?
and Sarah quips no, I’m still in school, remember?
a bit more surly than seems fair
so I suggest poems
I ask if Zena has a new one
and she looks up
Sarah hesitates, then pulls a chair over
says mind if I listen?
and follows along
as I work with Zena
I run my finger down the colors
and rows of letters
and word by word
Zena grows a poem
that makes my throat tighten
but not until I read it aloud
from start to finish
does Sarah suddenly twitch
with understanding
I read:
Hair
locks around a chubby finger
in her mouth
shaken about
tangled and wild
in my face
when she’s in my arms
on the pillow
beside me
trimmed with my sewing scissors
braided with my fingers
toweled dry by my hands
brushed and combed
dry or wet
salty with sweat
how I miss
her hair
after a moment I say
it’s beautiful
and I so want Sarah to dangle her hair
on Zena’s forehead or say
yes, amazing or some compliment
but she says I don’t know much about poetry
I rush to ease the tension, say
well, it’s the feelings you have
when you hear a poem or read it . . .
like, to me, her poem is
about both being a mom
and not being able
to be a mom
but there’s an awkward pause
that’s long even by my Japanese standards
so I tell them I brought poems
and they both look to me with relief
the first is
a long skinny poem
about patience
being wider than
we expect it to be
I give one copy to Sarah
while I read the other
three times to Zena
since meanings
grow clearer to me
after several readings
I don’t think it’s clear at all
to Sarah though
so I go on to the next one
by Derek Walcott
which is another poem about a fist
this one about a fist around the heart
and falling in love
being like madness
and plunging into the abyss
Sarah seems to like this one
and laughs
and Zena looks up
and growls
then Zena points her eyes at the letter board
and spells
r u p-l-u-n-g-i-n-g?
who, Sarah? I say
and I glance at Sarah
but Sarah nods to me
then looks to Zena
and Zena gazes straight
at me
me?
and Zena looks up
so I smile
trying to be mysterious
but just then Samnang walks in
and Zena growls
and Sarah laughs
and I
can’t hide
and I look at Samnang
as he moves a step
toward me
and I say
yes, I think I’m plunging
and Zena looks up
and up
and up
when we cross to the pizza place
Samnang puts his arm around me
and I put mine around him
and we are laughing
because I have told him
what Zena’s plunging comment
was all about
and I think
this will be too hard
to leave
Friday is the performance
and YiaYia drops me off
because there’s some PTA
event at Toby’s school
so I sit by myself in the crowd
reading each word of the program
when the lights dim
five dancers come onstage
and I recognize the blessing dance
the girls with the silver cups
tossing petals
for peace, prosperity
and health
I wait for Samnang
all through the pestle dance
with Sovann and Paul
beating the long
pestle poles on the ground
and Nary and others dancing
feet fast