I glanced at Jake. Sometimes it was all right.
I found myself staring at the colors and patterns of light on wet surfaces as if they held some deeper meaning. I knew things would settle and make more sense soon, that Jake and I would be able to carry on a conversation, that my mind would stop drifting. I wondered how long it would take.
While we walked, Jake looked at me a couple of times but didn't say anything. I could see he was trying to be brave. I wished I had the words to reassure him that it was all right.
But I didn't. I didn't know what to say to let him know I was okay and that I still loved him. I didn't have any words to speak at all, and a few beeps would have been less than reassuring at the moment.
But I hated that uncertain look about him. He needed to know everything was okay. And of course it was; nothing deep inside me had changed. Not my love for my job, or liking old movies, or the way I felt about my partner and lover, Jake Elliot.
Something occurred to me, and I didn't ponder it, I just did it. I reached over and took his hand as we walked. Jake gave me a surprised look. Then his shoulders straightened and his smile got bigger. He walked taller, almost strutting down the street beside me.
A couple of people glanced our way. One raised an eyebrow in a superior fashion, as if there was something to judge. It took me a few moments to remember we'd never done this before in public, holding hands, displaying our attachment publicly, and that some people wouldn't approve.
Was I endangering him? I should be careful what I said and did after an adjustment, I knew. But he didn't pull away. He walked with me proudly, holding my hand for almost half a block before he let go.
We didn't speak the entire walk. But we didn't need to. He understood, and everything was beautiful, even like this.
the end
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Also by Hollis Shiloh
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The Body in the Backyard
Poison at the Bake Sale
Baking Bears
Bear and Fox
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Moths and Men
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False Engagement
A Marriage Plot
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The Only One for Me
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