To Lara and “Ribbit Ribbit” Gabe,
with love
H. O.
For Jenny
S. W.
copyright
Text copyright © 2007 by Hiawyn Oram
Illustrations copyright © 2007 by Sarah Warburton
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of l976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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First eBook Edition: November 2009
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
ISBN: 978-0-316-07189-5
Contents
Copyright
Contract of Service
Rumblewick Spellwacker mortimer B
Righton Night Two
Girl Band Discovery Day Night
Back Home at Thirteen Chimneys
Later
Much Later
Much Later, in My Log Basket
Nearly Dawning Time and Sorry If You’re Soaked
Some Days Later and Not Back in Black
Later
CONTRACT OF SERVICE
between
WITCH HAGATHA AGATHA, Haggy Aggy for short, HA for shortest of Thirteen Chimneys, Wizton-under-Wold
&
the Witch’s Familiar,
RUMBLEWICK SPELLWACKER MORTIMER B, RB for short
It is hereby agreed that, come
FIRE, Brimstone, CAULDRONS overflowing,
or ALIEN WIZARDS invading,
for the NEXT SEVEN YEARS
RB will serve HA,
obey her every WHIM and WORD and at all times assist her
in the ways of being a true and proper WITCH.
PAYMENT for services will be:
* a log basket to sleep in * unlimited slime buns for breakfast
* free use of HA’s broomsticks (outside of peak brooming hours)
* and a cracked mirror for luck.
PENALTY for failing in his duties will be decided on the whim of
THE HAGS on HIGH.
SIGNED AND SEALED
this New Moon Day, 22nd of Remember
Witch Hagatha Agatha Rumblewick Spellwaker Mortimer B
And witnessed by the High Hag Trixie Fiddlestick
A SHORT HISTORY OF HOW YOU COME TO BE READING MY VERY PRIVATE DIARIES
In a snail shell, they were STOLEN. Oh yes, no less. My witch, Haggy Aggy (HA for short), sneaked into my log basket and helped herself.
According to her, this is what happened:
On one of her many shopping trips to Your Side she met a Book Wiz. (I am told you call them publishers, though Wiz seems more fitting as they make books appear, as if by magic, every, day of the week.)
Anyway, this Book Wiz/publisher wanted HA to write an account of HER life as a witch here on Our Side. Of course, HA wasn’t willing to do that. Being the most unwilling witch in witchdom, she is far too busy shopping, watching TV, not cackling, being anything BUT a witch, and getting me into trouble with the High Hags * as a result.
The Book Wiz begged on her knees (apparently) and offered HA a life’s supply of shoes if she came up with something. So HA did. She came up with THIS—MY DIARIES. ALL OF THEM!!!!
Of course, when I wrote the diaries, I was not expecting anyone to read them. Let alone Othersiders like you. But as you are, here is a word to the wise about how things work between us:
1. We are here on THIS SIDE and you are there on the OTHER SIDE.
2. Between us is the HORIZON LINE.
3. You don’t see we’re here, on This Side, living our lives, because for you the Horizon Line is always a day away. You can walk for a thousand moons (or more for all I know), but you’ll never reach it.
4. On the other paw, we know you’re there because we visit you all the time. This is partly because of broomsticks. A broomstick has no trouble with any Horizon Line anywhere. A broomstick (with one or more of us upon it) just flies straight through.
And it has to be like that because scaring Otherside children into their wits is part of witches’ work. In fact it is Number One on the Witches’ Charter of Good Practice (see copy glued at the back).
On the other paw, it is NOWHERE in the Charter for a witch to go over to Your Side to make friends and try to be and do everything you are and do—as my witch, Haggy Aggy, does.
But then, that’s my giant problem: being cat to a witch who doesn’t want to be one. And as you will see from these diaries, it makes my life a right BAG OF HEDGEHOGS. So all I can say is, if HA tries to make friends with YOU, send her straight back to This Side with a spider in her ear.
Thank you,
THIS DIARY BELONGS TO:
Rumblewick Spellwacker mortimer B
RUMBLEWICK for short, RB for shortest
ADDRESS:
Thirteen Chimneys,
Wizton-under-Wold, This Side
Bird’s Eye View: 331 N by WW
TELEPHONE:
77+3-5+1-7
NEAREST OTHERSIDE TELEPHONE:
Ditch and Candleberry Bush Street,
N by SE Over the Horizon
BIRTHDAY:
Windy Day 23rd Magogary
EDUCATION:
The Awethunder School for Familiars
12-Moon Apprenticeship to the
High Hag Witch Trixie Fiddlestick
QUALIFICATIONS:
Certified Witch’s Familiar
CURRENT EMPLOYMENT:
Seven-year contract with Witch Hagatha Agatha,
Haggy Aggy for short, HA for shortest
HOBBIES:
Cathastics, Point-to-Point Shrewing, Languages
NEXT OF KIN:
Uncle Sherbet (retired Witch’s Familiar)
Moldy Old Cottage,
Flying Teapot Street,
Prancetown
Righton Night Two
Dear Diary,
In a zillion moons you will never guess where I am writing this, so I’ll tell you—on the Other Side in an enormous bed in the Righton Luxury Beach Hotel!!!
We are here because Haggy Aggy saw it on TV.
“Everyone deserves a lot of luxury once in their lives, RB,” she said. “And witches and their Familiars are no exception. Now let’s get packing and go.”
We did not go at once. In fact, we did not leave for TWO DAYS because she couldn’t decide what to pack.
Her biggest problem was what to wear on the luxury beach and beside the “dazzling ultramarine” pool.
I mean,
I ask you.
A witch on a beach or beside a pool—luxurious and dazzling or just plain wet and bedraggling? Not in the Witches’ Charter of Good Practice, that is for sure.
And if the High Hags see HA in swimwear AT ALL, I know what they will certainly do. They will certainly send me back to First Grade in Witch’s Cat School to relearn how to keep my witch from showing her knees and getting herself deep in cold water.
Meanwhile, as I write, HA is downstairs—in her words—enjoying a drink in the Pink Fizz Lounge.
“I shall also be socializing,” she
said, “which for your edification means making friends with Othersiders. You see, this is what one does when one comes to a luxury beach hotel like the Righton.
It is expected”
She wanted me to socialize with her but I wriggled out of it because of the stares.
I just had to have a break from the stares.
Girl Band Discovery Day Night
Dear Diary,
What a day it has been at the Righton.
After a stare-filled lunch (well, HA’s hat WAS bigger than an alien wizard’s flying saucer), she was attracted by a sign near the hotel entrance. “Oh, RB!” she cried. “Do look! It’s covered in glitzy stars so it must have something very important to communicate. Now you read Otherside better than I do, so read it to me, please, at the triple presto!”
So I did, and in between the STARS it said:
GIRL BANDS ARE US
WE MAKE THEM BIG.
COULD YOU BE OUR NEXT
BIG ONE?
AUDITIONS START AT 3:00 P.M.
IN THE STARSTRUCK ROOM
ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
BE THERE AND BE BIGGER THAN
YOU EVER DREAMED
YOU COULD BE.
At that point we did not know what a Girl Band or a Girl Band audition was but HA insisted we go up to the Starstruck Room to find out.
And find out we did: a Girl Band is Otherside girls dressing up (or wearing clothes that nearly fall off), dancing on a shiny platform and singing like their voices just jumped out of their bodies and started dancing too.
An audition is when a Girl Band does all of the above in front of three Othersiders who are called the Producers and Promoters.
When the PPs have watched many Girl Band auditions over many moons, they will choose the band they like best and make it “bigger” than it ever dreamed it could be.
And being bigger than you ever dreamed you could be means
1 Dancing and singing on TV and shiny platforms all over the universe,
2 Having zillions of your songs heard by Othersiders in what they call ALBUMS,
3 Appearing on pocket-sized TVs that Othersiders keep close at all times (and also use for nonstop talking to OTHER Othersiders probably because they don’t have broomsticks to get there and talk for real).
Well, no prizes for guessing what HA is going to do now.
Oh, YES!
The moment we left the Starstruck Room, she announced it.
She is going to start her own Girl Band. And enter it in the next
GIRL BANDS
ARE US
audition in seven days’ time!
WARNING
TOP
SECRET
And here, dear Diary, is where I am going to make a CONFESSION, because that’s what diaries are for—admitting the secret thoughts you can’t actually admit to anyone else.
So this is it.
My secret confession:
I LIKE GIRL BAND MUSIC.
Up there in the Starstruck Room it got me going—my head ting-zinging and my paws tap-rapping.
And when my witch announced she was going to start a Girl Band, I did not think YUKSTRAW and TRIPLE YIKES, which any proper Witch’s Familiar should think.
I thought EXPLODING
SUPERNOVAS
and OVER THE MOON.
THIS COULD BOIL AND BUBBLE!
Naturally, I did not admit any of this to HA. When we got back to our room, I did what I am trained to do when my witch strays from being a proper witch: I tried to talk her out of it.
“But, Haggy Aggy,” I said, “you are not a girl; you are a witch. And witches are witches. They have no business in Girl Bands. And anyway, to start a Girl Band you need other girls. And you don’t have any other girls. Or perhaps you are thinking of asking Witch Understairs to join? Or maybe the High Hags?”
She did not notice my SARCASTIC tone, she was so carried away.
“A High Hag is not impossible,” she said.
“Especially the High Hag Iodine Underwood. I happen to know she has a BEAUTIFUL singing voice.
“And in any case, I do have other girls for my Girl Band. I have Bella and I have YOU!”
!! Bella and ME???!
Now it was
YIKES AND THRICE YIKES.??
“BUT,” I protested, “Bella is a FROG. A croaky green Clinger! And ME?
I’m a highly qualified Familiar from a long line of highly Familiars.
!! I AM NOT, and NEVER CAN be,a girl in a Girl Band!”
“Rubbish,” said HA. “If there isn’t already a spell to turn you into a gorgeous lookalike girl, you will invent one as soon as we get home.”
And with that she went to look for more socialization opportunities in the Pink Fizz Lounge, and this time she didn’t even ask me to go with her.
Dear Diary,
We are back home from the Righton and the situation has not improved a tiddly tadpole.
HA is out right now at a concert by a Girl Band called BORN WITH CLOTHES ON. A Girl Band that is apparently already “big.”
And guess what? She’s only taken—not me but—Bella!
“I need to see what ‘big’ is,” she said. “And what ‘big’ wears. And I’m taking Bella because SHE has such a good eye for style.”
A good eye for a bubbling, boiling cauldron if you ask me. I mean, you should SEE how that frog slimes up to HA.
“But don’t worry, RB,” she went on, “while we are gone there is SO MUCH for you to do. First you are to come up with a spell to turn yourself into a Girl Band Girl Lookalike. And when you’ve done that I want you to come up with a dazzling NAME for our band and write us a WINNING SONG for our audition. And I know you will because that’s what you do—whatever I ask of you.”
Well, what a nest of nettles! It IS in my Contract of Service to obey my witch’s every whim and word, come fire, brimstone, or alien wizards invading.
But there is just NO WAY I am EVER going to be a GIRL in a GIRL BAND.
I mean, I ask you. Leaving out what the High Hags would do if they caught me,
I HAVE MY PRIDE
But don’t worry, Diary, an idea is coming to me. Yes, here it comes winging its way like a screech owl:
I’ll invent a
Girl Lookalike spell
in TWO LAYERS
One layer for HA’s eyes with a second layer that is the REAL SPELL—INVISIBLE unless you know it’s there.
And the under layer—where the ACTUAL SPELL lies—will do the following: it will turn the One To Be Spelled (in this case me, worst luck) into a Girl Lookalike all right—a Girl Lookalike whom HA wouldn’t want in her Girl Band if she was the last girl in the world!!
BRILLIANT—if I do say so my self.
Later
Dear Diary,
I’ve done it—though it hasn’t yet been tested because someone else has to perform it on me. (Invented like that so HA can never accuse me of not performing it properly on myself, on purpose.)
Here is the top layer that covers the real spell:
THE LOOK-LIKE-A-GIRL-BAND-GIRL SPELL
Drape the shoulders of the OTBS (One To Be Spelled) with a pink feather thing. Stand in your hat wearing a pair of high teeterers and holding a cracked mirror. Turn a full circle three times without falling over while turning the cracked mirror to face the OTBS and chanting:
Who looks on you will look and see
A girl in leggings tight
Whose face and legs and arms and all
Are such a pretty sight
For when I step out from this hat
You’ll give a girlish twirl
And those who look will look and see
A GORGEOUS GIRL BA
ND GIRL!
SMALL PRINT: This is a First-Chance-Last-Chance spell.
If it doesn’t work the first time, it never will and no other
Look-Like-a-Girl-Band-Girl spell will either.
Bad luck, but that’s magic for you.
REVERSAL NOTE: Easy reversal is built into this spell.
To reverse at any time, the One Who Has Been Spelled should sneeze
three times at the moon and shout his/her full name followed by THAT TIS I.
And here is the secret “under layer”—where the REAL spell and its workings lie!
THE LOOK-LIKE-A-GIRL-BAND-GIRL SPELL
WHO LOOKS LIKE A TOAD IN TIGHT LEGGINGS
Drape the shoulders of the OTBS (One To Be Spelled) with a pink feather thing. Stand in your hat wearing a pair of high teeterers and holding a cracked mirror. Turn a full circle three times without falling over while turning the cracked mirror to face the OTBS and chanting:
Who looks on you will look and see
A girl in leggings tight
Whose face and legs and arms and all
Are not a pretty sight
For when I step out from this hat
Though in a girl-like mode
Who looks on you will more likely see
A TIGHTLY TROUSERED TOAD!
SMALL PRINT: This is a First-Chance-Last-Chance spell.
If it doesn’t work the first time, it never will and no other
Look-Like-a-Girl-Band-Girl spell will either. Bad luck, but that’s magic for you.