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Published by Gotham Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
First electronic edition, December 2004
Copyright © Henry Beard, 2004
All rights reserved
Illustrations copyright © James Sherman, 2004
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MSR ISBN 0-7865-5369-3
AEB ISBN 0-7865-5370-7
Set in Dante MT and Trajan
Designed by Sabrina Bowers
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Author’s Note
Although I did the original Latin composition for the first draft of this book, my translations have been extensively corrected, meticulously polished, and felicitously rephrased by J. Mark Sugars, Ph.D., without whose assistance I would have been in merda profundissima (very deep doo-doo). Thus, to the extent that the classical constructions herein are historically appropriate, grammatically accurate, and culturally apt, it is he who deserves the imposing, but tasteful, triumphal arch on the sunny side of the Forum, just below the Palatine Hill. If, however, there are any errata ignominiosa (boners), it is I and I alone who should be exiled to the remote, windswept tip of some godforsaken island inhabited by rude barbarians. (The Hamptons will do nicely.)
That said, I have to confess that even the most dedicated Latin purist inevitably succumbs to the temptation to make a cheap joke at the expense of the noble tongue of Rome’s golden age, and I am no exception. Therefore, in the interests of scholarly integrity, I am compelled to concede that there is no Latin verb “geronimo, geronimare” meaning “to express an intention to act boldly or rashly,” say, just prior to jumping off a bridge, and if a Roman diner wished to remark, “I will recommend this restaurant,” “zago, zagas, zagat” is not the way he would have phrased it. The rest of the Augustan yadda-yadda (“iaddo, iaddere, iaddedi, iadditum”) is as kosher as we could make it.
Oh, all right. Yadda-yadda is actually blatero, blaterare. Sheesh.
Preface
PRAEFATIO
pry-FAH-tih-oh
It’s often said that Latin is a dead language
Lingua Latina saepe dicitur mortua esse
LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah SIGH-pay DEE-kih-tuhr MOHR-too-ah EHS-seh
Baloney!
Nugas!
NOO-gahss!
It’s just been taking a long nap
Modum iam pridem meridiatur
MOH-duhm yahm PREE-dehm meh-ree-dih-AH-tuhr
And it’s been talking a lot in its sleep
Iam diu autem multa verba facit dormiens
Yahm DIH-ooh OW-tehm MOOL-tah WEHR-bah FAH-kiht DOHR-mih-ehns
In fact, you can’t get it to shut up
Re vera, non potes eam in silentium redigere
Ray WAY-rah nohn POH-tess EH-ahm ihn sih-LAYN-tih-uhm reh-DIHG-eh-reh
Look around—Latin is all over the place, like a cheap toga
Circumspice—Lingua Latina se pandit ubique tanquam toga qwevilis
KEER-kuhm-spih-keh—LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah say PAHN-diht ooh-BEE-kweh TAHN-kwaum TOH-gah WIH-liss
Lawyers use it to screw you
Iurisperiti ea utuntur ut te defraudent
Yoo-riss-peh-REE-tee EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht tay deh-FROW-dehnt
Doctors use it to scare you shitless
Medici hac lingua utuntur ut alvum evacues ex metu
MEH-dih-kee hock LEEN-gwah uh-TOON-tuhr uht AHL-wuhm ay-WAH-koo-ays eks MEH-tooh
Politicians use it to hide their tracks while they rob you blind
Magistratus ea utuntur ad operienda vestigia cum te despoliant
Mah-gihs-TRAH-toohs EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd oh-pehr-ih-AYN-dah wehs-TEE-gih-ah kuhm tay deh-SPOH-lih-ahnt
Priests use it to weasel their way out when they get caught playing hide-the-sausage with the altar boys
Sacerdotes in stupro cum acolytis deprehensi ea utuntur ut se criminibus absolvant
Sah-kehr-DOH-tays ihn STOOP-roh kuhm ah-koh-LEE-teese day-preh-HAYN-see EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht say krih-MIHN-ih-buhss ahb-SOHL-wahnt
Even garden supply stores use it to get you to buy overpriced, short-lived houseplants
Etiam venditores rerum hortensium ea utuntur ad persuadendum tibi ut emas maximo pretio plantas vitae brevis
EH-tih-ahm wehn-dih-TOHR-ace RAY-ruhm hohr-TAYN-sih-uhm EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd pehr-swah-DAYN-duhm TIH-bee uht EH-mahs MAHK-sih-moh PREH-tih-oh PLAHN-tahs WEE-tye BREH-wihss
The fact is, for too long these dirtbags have had a monopoly on this mighty tongue
Diutius quidem haec propudia monopolio huius magnifici sermonis fruuntur
Dih-OO-tih-uhs KWIH-dehm hike proh-POOH-dih-ah moh-noh-POH-lih-oh HOO-eeh-uhss mahg-NIH-fih-kee sehr-MOH-nihss frooh-OON-tuhr
But now, thanks to this little book, you too can tap the awsome power of Latin to dismay the ignorant multitudes
Nunc vero, huius libelli gratia, tu quoque potentia reverenda linguae Latinae uti potes ad indoctum vulgus consternandum
Nuhnk WAY-roh, HOO-eeh-uhss lih-BEHL-lee GRAH-tih-ah, too KWOH-kweh poh-TAYN-tih-ah reh-weh-RAYN-dah LEEN-gwigh LAH-tih-nigh OO-tee POH-tehss ahd ihn-DOHK-tuhm WUHL-guhs kohn-stehr-NAHN-duhm
And best of all, you’ll be able to insult and abuse one and all in perfect safety, using a language that everyone respects but practically no one understands
Atque haec est optima ratio omnium: maledicere cunctis hominibus et contumeliam imponere satis impune poteris verbis augustis quae cum omnes magno aestimant, tum nemo ferme intellegit
AHT-kweh hike ehst OHP-tih-mah RAH-tih-oh OHM-nih-uhm: mah-leh-DEEK-eh-reh KOONK-tees hoh-MIHN-ih-buhss eht kohn-tuh-MAY-lih-ahm ihm-POH-neh-reh SAH-tihss ihm-POO-neh poh-TEH-rihss WAYR-beese ow-GOOS-teese kwy kuhm OHM-nays MAHG-noh EYE-stih-mahnt tuhm NEH-mo FAYR-meh ihn-TEHL-leh-giht
And as you pepper your speech with catapult-powered put-downs, remember the immortal words of Maximus as he signaled the attack in Pannonia
Itaque cum spargis orationem tuam praepotentibus opprobriis, memento verborum immortalium quae Maximus fecit signum dans in Pannonia:
Ih-TAH-kweh kuhm SPAHR-ghiss oh-rah-tih-OH-nehm TOO-ahm prigh-poh-TAYN-tih-buhss ohp-PROH-brih-eehs, meh-MEHN-toh wayr-BOH-ruhm ihm-mohr-TAH-lih-uhm kwigh MAHK-sih-muhss FAY-kiht SIHG-nuhm dahns ihn Pahn-NOH-nih-ah:
Unleash hell!
Solve lora infernis!
SOHL-weh
LOH-rah ihn-FEHR-nihss!
And have a nice day!
Et futue te ipsum!
Eht FUH-too-eh tay IHP-suhm
Latin Terms in Modern English
LEGAL LATIN
MEDICAL LATIN
POLITICAL LATIN
ECCLESIASTICAL LATIN
BOTANICAL LATIN
Basic Latin Pronunciation Guide
VOWELS
a if long, as in “blah”; if short, as in “rub-a-dub”
e if long, as in “ol é”; if short as in “feh”
i if long, as in “ ’zine”; if short as in “zit”
o if long, as in “d’oh”; if short as in “not”
u if long, as in “dude”; if short as in “wassup”
There is really no simple way to tell if a vowel is long or short, but if the word is short—one syllable—treat the vowel as short. The last syllable of verb endings are almost always short. If a, i, o, or u, come at the end of a word, they’re long; if e comes at the end of a word, it’s short. If a vowel is followed by two consonants, it’s long. For other situations, pronuntia utrolibet modo! (wing it!)
DIPTHONGS
ae as in “Thai”
au as in “ouch”
ei as in “hey”
eu as in “hey, you”
oe as in “goy”
ui as in “ptui”
CONSONANTS
b, d, f, h, l, m, n, and p are the same as in English. So are k and z, which are rare in Latin anyway. j, w, and the consonant y don’t exist in Latin.
c, ch always “k.” That’s a KIGH-sahr salad you ordered. You want ANN-koh-veese with that?
g, gn always “guh.” The Romans were fighting the GUHR-mahns, not the JUR-mahns, and when they gave the signal to attack, it was a SIHG-nuhm (trumpet blast) not a SEE-nuhm (large bowl).
i always “yuh.” It’s thanks to YOO-lih-uhss (not JOO-lee-yuss) that we celebrate the fourth of July instead of the fourth of Quinctil.
r you can rrroll your r’s even if they’rrre the last letterrr of a worrrrd.
s always “sss.” The Roman fanss (not fanz) were animalss (not animalz).
t, th always “teh.” Teh-hey teh-rew teh-hings at eak ot-teh-her during teh-he nah-tih-oh-nahl (not nashunal) ant-hem (not anthum).
v always “w.” The wolcano that waporized Pompeii was Weh-SOO-wee-uhss.
There are no silent letters in Latin—every vowel (unless it’s part of a two-syllable dipthong) and every consonant is always pronounced fully, and often separately. Of course, there are also no actual Romans around to give you the stink-eye when you mess up.
I
Lingua Latina Tironibus
Beginning Latin
Narratiuncula—
A LITTLE STORY
Puellae filiae agricolarum sunt
The girls are the daughters of the farmers
Puellae pulchrae sunt
The girls are pretty
Puellae nautas in via spectant
The girls see the sailors in the street
Nautae pulchri sunt
The sailors are hunks
Puellae nautas salutant
The girls say hello to the sailors
O malam fortunam! Nautae male mares sunt
Too bad! The sailors are homos
Nautae ad puellas digitos impudicos porrigunt
The sailors give the girls the finger
Puellae nautas appellant
The girls call out to the sailors
“We hope your stupid boat hits a rock and sinks”
Puellae in forum descendere destinant et ibi mercimonium furari
The girls decide to go down to the mall and shoplift some stuff
Omnes paucis annis prosedae erunt
In a few years they will all be hookers
Latin Aptitude Test—
PROBATIO LATINITATIS
(answers below—responsa recta in ima pagina)
I. MATH — SCIENTIA MATHEMATICA
All Gaul is divided into___parts
Gallia est omnis divisa in partes___
many
multas
good
bonas
small
parvas
warlike
bellicosas
Capture a Gaul and torture him until he tells you
Torque Gallum captum donec tibi respondeat
II. VERBAL — SCIENTIA VERBORUM
Arms and the man I sing, who first from the shores of___. . .
Arma virumque cano___qui primus ab oris . . .
Syracuse
Syracusarum
Ithaca
Ithacae
Albany
Albani
Buffalo
Bufali
Sacrifice a bullock to Jupiter so the test gets canceled because the teacher was struck by lightning
Immola Iovi iuvencum ut magistro tacto de caelo probatio relinquatur
III. EXTRA CREDIT — QUAESTIO ADDITA PRAEMII GRATIA
Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when bearing___
Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et___ferentes
shish kebabs
carunculas veribus fixas
stuffed grape leaves
folia vitis oryza farta
baklava
crustula laminosa
the check
syngrapham
Send a slave over later with the answer, and if he gets it wrong, lop off his ears
Mitte brevi postea servum qui responsum referat atque si erret praecide aures ei
I., E; II, E; III, E.
Romulus and Remus Jokes—
ROMULI REMIQUE IOCULARIA
ROMULUS: Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian Way?
ROMULUS: Quem ob rem pullus sacer viam Appiam transivit?
REMUS: I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!
REMUS: Nescio. Eum evisceremus ut, extane ostensura sint illius infausti facti causam, comperiamus!
ROMULUS: Why do Roman firemen wear red suspenders?
ROMULUS: Cur gerunt siphonarii Romani retinacula rubra?
REMUS: I do not know—let us set the city ablaze and see if their pants fall down!
REMUS: Nescio. Urbem incendamus ut, sintne delapsurae bracae eorum, comperiamus!
ROMULUS: Why did the Helvetian moron throw the water clock out the window?
ROMULUS: Quare iecit caudex Helvetius clepsydram de fenestra?
* Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian way?
** I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!
*** I growl
REMUS: I do not know, but I feel certain that after ten years chained to an oar as a galley slave he will be eager to reveal the reason for his rash act!
REMUS: Nescio; pro certo tamen habeo istum, decem annos vinctum in servitio ad remum intra navem longam, cupidum futurum revelare rationem sui temerarii facti!
LEGIO HEROUM MAXIMORUM
Faster than a speeding chariot . . .
Celerior quam currus festinans . . .
More powerful than a Carthaginian war-elephant . . .
Valentior quam elephas bellicus Punicus . . .
Able to conjugate irregular verbs without making a single mistake . . .
Potis anomala verba sine lapsu declinare . . .
It’s Ro-Man!
Romanus est!
T-shirt Slogans—
TITULI TUNICALES
CARPE NAREM
Pick your nose
CAPE SOMNUM
Catch some “z’s”
CAPIAMUS CEREVISIAM
Let’s grab a beer
CAVE LABOREM
Beware of work
MORANS FAC PAUSAM UT SEDES BIROTARUM OLFACIAS
Take time to stop a
nd smell the bicycle seats
PUTEO ERGO SUM
I stink, therefore I am
VENI, VIDI, VOMUI
I came, I saw, I blew lunch
SOLVE LORA INFERNIS
Unleash hell
OSTENDE MIHI PECUNIAM
Show me the money
PARENTES MEI DIMIDIUM EUROPAE DESPOLIA VERUNT. EGO TAMEN NIL ACCEPI PRAETER HANC TUNICULAM MISELLAM
My parents plundered half of Europe and all I got was this stupid T-shirt
ABES ETIAM A CONSILIO INSULTANDI MIHI NISI LATINE LOQUI SCIAS
Don’t even think of dissing me unless you speak Latin
ILLUC IVI, ILLUD FECI
Been there, done that
Bumper Stickers—
TITULI CURRULES
I’d rather be pillaging
Malim praedari
I’m dumb and I vote
Hebes sum et suffragia fero
My child can beat the crap out of your wimpy honor student
Filius meus puerum tuum studiosum laureatum mollem deverberare potest
Thank you for not thanking me for not smoking
Tibi gratias ago quod mihi gratias non agis quod fumum non comedo
Visualize world conquest
Habe ante oculos devictionem mundi
Keep honking—I’m reloading
Perge cornu canere—sclopetum repleo
Horn broken—watch for finger
Buccina fracta—exspecta signum digiti impudici
Barbarian on board
Barbarus in curru
Proud of our brutal police
Vigilitus nostris crudelibus gloriantes
Stop the aqueduct, save the unicorns
Sistite constructionem aquaeductus ut conservetis unicornes
I brake for lunch
Frenos inhibere soleo pransurus
Don’t blame me—I voted for Miss Piggy
Nolite me culpare—Suffragatus sum Erae Porcellae
Jesus loves you—everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
Te amat Iesus—ceteri te putant irrumatorem