Claire
Abi knows I saw her. I manage not to laugh
by biting my cheeks and kind of blinking.
She’s trying to pretend nothing unusual just
happened. I have no idea what she’s thinking,
and I decide not to tease her, but I’m still
wondering about what Sophia said, because
it sort of makes sense. We go to bed, but we can’t sleep.
Abi speaks into the dark, Do you remember Mom? I was
just a baby when lightning struck that day, so you’d
think my answer would be no. But sometimes the smell
of a coming storm cuts the air, like a knife so sharp
it draws blood before you know you touched it. I feel
thunder through the bottoms of my feet a heartbeat
before I hear it. Maybe I do remember, I tell Abi. It’s not
impossible. Babies have minds. They have eyes. Ears.
Don’t you think I must have had a half-formed thought
or two? Abi says, Yes. I can’t exactly hear her voice
anymore, but in my memory she rocks us, feeds
us, dries our hair with a soft towel. I say, Once she held me
up to a frosty window, blew a hole with her warm breath. Seeds
in my imagination. Abi says, When I’m swimming,
and lie back on the waves, it’s like something sings
to me and rocks me the way Mom did. Clouds in the shape
of her hair shift on the wind until they look like wings.
Our conversation opens a space, and Abi says, Sorry
I snapped at you on the way home. You know how
when you’re worried about something, you might
get upset with the wrong person? Yes, I do, but wow,
I’m surprised to hear Abi admit that to me.
I ask, What are you worried about? And she says,
You know—boys. Kissing. Oh. Umm … who are you
planning to kiss? I ask. Brock would be my first guess,
but maybe TJ, or, who knows, maybe she’s in love
with that stuffed rabbit. I don’t know, she whispers.
And then she says, Okay, I might as well tell you …
I kissed TJ, corrects herself to say that TJ kissed her,
and adds, It’s hard to say. But anyway, you see why
it’s hard to talk to TJ now? I don’t know what he’s
thinking. Last year, it was just a practice kiss. But now
I think kissing should mean something. Don’t you? She’s
asking for advice, I think, but what do I know?
Before I say anything, she adds, Also—what if I kiss
someone and then find out I like someone else better?
She doesn’t mention any names, but this
is not too hard for me to figure out: Abi likes Brock.
The only answer I come up with is: Don’t kiss anyone
until you decide who you like best. That advice doesn’t help.
But, Claire, she says (I hear her smile in the dark), kissing is fun!
Blake
Claire
We wake up early when the phone rings. It’s Dad
calling to say, Your baby brother is wide awake.
He was born twenty minutes ago, and he is perfect—
just like his sisters. How do you like the name Blake?
I try to remember where I’ve heard it before.
Maybe in one of Mom’s books? I tell Dad, It’s okay.
Abi says, I like it! and Dad goes, Well, good, that’s settled.
He makes it sound like we actually did have a say.
He tells us, The baby and Pam are fine, but the doctor
thinks it would be best if we stay here in town one more
night. Pam thinks I should drive back to check on things there.
I’m not sure—I told her you girls would be okay on your
own—what do you think? It’s good to know he trusts us.
Don’t come home, Abi says. We’ll be fine. And I say, Yup,
we’ll call if we need you, Dad. I can almost see Abi’s thoughts
make a sharp turn onto kissing-street the minute we hang up.
Abi Swims Out to the Raft
Claire
Today is calm and sunny, and Dad’s not home
to tell us what we should—or shouldn’t—do.
We have lunch, then pack our backpacks
for the beach. Abi says, Let’s take the canoe.
We paddle around Anna’s Island, catching
the current, letting it carry us along. We plan
to avoid it on the way home. At the beach, Abi
walks up to the girls she met the other day. Can
I sit here? she asks. Brock and another boy are
on their way over. Sure, says one girl. Meg, it’s okay
if Abi sits here, right? Meg smiles, nods—all the girls
treat Abi like a friend. I hope Jonilet comes today.
There she is, parking her bike. We find a place to sit
and watch the teenagers, listening to their laughter.
One after the other, they go in the water and dive
under the rope with a lot of splash and chatter.
As Abi swims out to the raft with them, her
voice carries across the water, a sweet clear
note in the chorus of girls’ and boys’ voices.
As I watch, one part of me wants to cheer
for Abi in the “Who Does Brock Like Best?”
contest. Another part says, “No, wait. I’m on TJ’s
side.” And still another part wants to go back
to a time when no one I knew cared about boys.
How Do You Know?
Conversation while canoeing home
Claire
Abi
Did you see that, Claire?
What?
Meg, Trinity, and Shari Lee all like Brock—and he likes me!
How can you tell?
I’m the one he looked at first after he did a huge cannonball off the raft.
That’s it?
That’s the main one, but also he lifted the rope and held it up for me.
Oh.
And: he looked at me when he didn’t think I was looking back.
How do you know?
Well … I was looking back.
So if he was looking at you, and saw you looking at him, will he think you like him?
Maybe. I don’t know.
Let’s change the subject.
Okay.
Are you excited about the baby?
Claire
Abi
Yes! Aren’t you?
I guess so.
It’s going to be different, though.
Maybe in a good way.
Maybe.
Abi, can you tie up the canoe by yourself?
I think I’ll take the kayak out for a little while.
Not Ready
Claire, in the kayak
Everyone knows I
love my sister, but I am
still a little sad. I’m not
ready for this boy-talk, or the
way that Abi, one of the youngest
teenagers at the beach, fits right in
with those girls—and boys. Our
summers were always family
times. It’s different now.
Telling the Neighbors the Baby Is Born
The lake
Looks like Claire went
in the boathouse and found a life
vest her mom hung on a hook in there,
eleven years ago—it’s still in good shape.
Now Claire seems peaceful, out here alone.
Or is she alone? Who’s that, in his fishing boat,
there beside the fallen log, where herons wade?
Fred Gibson. He waves to Claire—she paddles
over and tells him the baby is born. Ah, he says.
Ruth
has been wondering. I’ll let her know. She’ll
tell all our friends—you know how she is.
He chuckles. It’s true—all along the
east shore, neighbor to neighbor,
everyone will hear about the
new baby before another
day goes by.
On the life vest Claire
found and pulled close around herself,
the faded name spelled CARI. She’s made it
her own by adding an L and an I, and making an
E out of the final I: CLAIRE. I wonder where her
sister is this afternoon. Oh, I see her now—
over there, walking along the lake trail.
Not paying much attention, until she
glances up and sees TJ on the trail,
looking out over the water. Hi, TJ. The baby
is born. He’s coming home tomorrow. Dad says he’s
very small and loud, she says. TJ leans in to catch
every word, and Abi steps back a little bit.
noon and told us. What do you
think of the name Blake? He puts his
hands in his pockets, shifts his weight,
eager to see Abi, but both of them a little
awkward, now that they’re alone.
Look! Abi says. There’s Claire,
out in the kayak. I better get back
now, before she comes home.
Guess I’ll see you later.
Abi Turns Away and TJ Stands There
Claire
I paddle away from Mr. Gibson in calm water—wait,
is that Abi, under the willow tree, by that big rock?
Is TJ with her? Maybe she’s telling him she doesn’t
want to kiss him, because now she likes Brock.
Abi turns away and TJ stands there looking at the lake.
I paddle in to shore, pull up the kayak, and tie it
to a tree, taking my time so I can wait for Abi. Here she
comes now, jogging down the lake trail. We’re quiet
as we climb the steps up to the cabin. When we
get inside, I ask what she and TJ talked about.
I told him about the baby—that’s all, she says.
He already knew. I came home when I saw you out
on the lake. The phone rings. Dad asks, Everything okay?
We say yes, and he says, We’ll be home tomorrow afternoon
around five or so. Of course, Abi doesn’t mention anything
about boys. Bye, Dad, she says. Love you. See you soon!
They Find a Place
Claire
It was so quiet in the cabin last night, we fell asleep
earlier than usual. This morning Abi went for a swim
before I woke up. Now she says, Claire, they’ll bring
Blake home this afternoon, and I want to be here to meet him.
Let’s go to the beach before lunch, so we’re sure to be back
when they get here. We ride our bikes to the beach. Soon
Brock shows up and heads straight for Abi. Their friends
aren’t here, and they find a place in the shade to sit, alone.
Pizza Pete’s
Abi
Brock asks me if I want to go get lunch at Pizza Pete’s.
It’s across the lake—less than an hour on our bikes—
and there’s no reason not to go. If we leave before everyone
else comes to the beach, I’ll have a chance to get to know
Brock on my own, and I’ll be home before Dad and Pam
come home with Blake. Okay, I say. I’ll let my sister know.
I tell Claire, We’re going out for pizza. She gives me a look—
annoyed, suspicious? I don’t know. Will you quit it with
that “Dad won’t like this” look? Oh, and we might stop by
Brock’s house for a little while. Claire! How would Dad even know?
I’ll be back by two, and they won’t be home till five. Is she mad
because she wants to come, too? I’m sorry, but—no way.
Claire gets on her bike and pedals so fast she’s out of sight
before Brock and I leave. When we ride past our house,
I see her bike on the grass, so I know she made it home okay.
Family
Claire, in the kayak
Abi goes somewhere with a boy, and I’m
not supposed to mind that we’re losing
this day we almost had together? My
idea was: let’s buy ourselves a whole
chocolate-marble cake and a family-
size veggie pizza, and eat cake first
without saving any for Pam and Dad.
If Abi wants to take off with Brock—and
ignore me completely—I guess it means now
I can do whatever I want without telling my
plans to anyone, including my stupid sister.
Claire Paddles Around a Bend
The lake
Sun shines on these girls
here on the water. Claire: alone, maybe
enjoying this time when no one—not her
father and Pam, not Abi—knows where she is
or will worry if she paddles around the lake a
little farther. And Abi: standing on the end of a
dock—she’s come with Brock to his house and
she holds out her phone to take a picture.
He stands beside her, smiling. She says,
Even if I can’t post it, I can keep it to
remind me of this great day I’ve had
with you. She puts her phone back
Nine ducklings swim by with their mother. Brock
gets closer to Abi. He speaks in a low voice,
slides an arm around her shoulder.
Abi looks happy, standing there
beside him. Perhaps they will kiss.
Or maybe not. Claire, in the kayak, glides
under a weeping willow that hangs out over
the water. She paddles hard, around a bend—
headed straight for her sister and Brock.
Early afternoon, the sun is shining
right in her eyes, blinding her
so she doesn’t see Abi until it’s too
late to retreat. She squints, sees their first
embrace. It looks a little bit uncomfortable—
each of them seems to be trying to figure out how to
position themselves for the kiss they must be quite sure
is about to happen. Then: Abi glances up and sees Claire.
No! she cries. Brock looks up. What? he says. Abi takes a
giant step to the side and tries to catch herself, but can’t.
Claire stares at Abi for a split second, too far away to
help, as Abi waves her arms and falls off the dock
into my water. I’m sure Claire doesn’t mean to
laugh, but she does. Abi comes up
dripping wet, gasping for air.
I Am Not
Claire
You’re a snoop and a spy, Abi yells. I’ve never seen
her so mad. It was a coincidence, I keep insisting.
Do you think I care enough to try to find out
where you and your stupid boyfriend are kissing?
She yells again: He’s not stupid! Plus we didn’t kiss.
AND he is not EVEN my boyfriend—thanks to you!
You better not tell Dad, you little creep.
She tries to get me to take an actual vow:
I solemnly swear that I … So I tease her a little:
… am not a little creep. She balls up her hand
and for half a second I think she might
actually punch me. Then—slam!
She’s out the door without saying where
she’s going. Good—I hope she
stays gone.
Maybe she’ll get lost in the woods or something,
and cool off a little. I like being home alone.
It Won’t Ever Be
Abi
I’m going for a long walk, where I won’t see
anyone I know. The opposite way down the trail
from TJ’s house, because what would I say if I saw him?
And nowhere near the beach, where Brock
is probably telling everyone how my little sister
spied on us and laughed when I fell off his dock.
Away from Claire for an hour or so. She wants
everything to be exactly the same as it’s always been.
Well, guess what? It’s not, and it won’t ever be again.
A Spy and a Snoop
Claire
Abi’s been gone for half an hour. If she’s
out somewhere with a boy, I don’t care.
She can do whatever she wants.
What I want to know is, where
are Mom’s things? If Pam got rid of them,
what would she do with them? Where are they
now? With everyone gone, this might be
a good chance to find out. Okay …
I go in and look under Dad and Pam’s bed.
Nothing but dust. (… you little creep)
I open their closet. Start with Pam’s side.
So many clothes. (… a snoop and a spy) I keep
looking: Yoga mat. Organized shoe shelves.
(“Stack summer shoes in rainbow order;
make it easy to match any outfit”—Abi and I
laughed together about that “Pointer
from Pam” just last month.) Pam is so boring—
none of this is what I’m looking for.
What are you … (Who’s that?
I didn’t hear anyone open the door.)
… doing in their closet? Abi! I scramble out.
Now who’s spying? Oh—I left the door ajar,
that’s why I didn’t hear her come in. I know,
she says. You’re proving my point. You really are