REESE
It turns out “message discipline” is, like, you decide what you want to say in your campaign. And that’s your “message.”
And then you never, EVER say ANYTHING except that one thing. And that’s the “discipline” part.
And that’s what Kalisha told me I was terrible at.
I just felt totally splunked. Ed. Note: (“sad”? “guilty”? not sure) I was like, “I’m SO sorry!”
Then I bought her a caramel milkshake. ’Cause that’s how bad I felt for messing up her game plan.
I was like, “What can I do to fix this?”
And Kalisha was like, “Date a Fembot.”
And I was like… “Whaaaa-HUUUH?”
Because I seriously did NOT see that coming.
CLAUDIA
Like I said in Chapter 6, the Fembots are a group of completely stuck-up rich girls led by Athena Cohen. There are four of them: Athena, Ling Chen, Clarissa Parker, and Meredith Timms. Ed. Note: my former best friend (turned to Dark Side in 5th grade)
And there’s an even BIGGER group of five or six girls who desperately WANT to be Fembots and will do anything Athena says to get her to like them. Including voting for whoever she tells them to. Or robbing a bank. Ed. Note: I’m just guessing (but prob true)
KALISHA
When I did my polling research, I discovered something weird: NONE of the Fembots vote. Ever.
ATHENA COHEN, Fembot dictator/non-voter
I’m sorry, but nobody who’s anybody cares about Student Government. It is just desperately uncool. Ed. Note: STRONGLY DISAGREE (nothing “uncool” about trying to make your world/school a better place)
So’s voting.
It’s, like, beyond lame. Personally, the only thing I EVER vote on is “Who Wore It Best?” on Red Carpet 24/7.
And even then, I usually vote “neither.” Because it is seriously tragic how little fashion sense some Hollywood actresses have. I’m like, “PLEASE tell me you did not pay a stylist to put you in THAT.”
KALISHA
The thing is, if you count up all the Fembots and their followers, it’s a HUGE chunk of votes. It was more than enough to swing the election.
And here’s what ELSE I found out when I did my polling: Clarissa Parker was totally crushing on Reese.
And since the Fembots and their followers are like ten bodies with one brain? I figured if Reese started going out with Clarissa, we could get ALL the Fembots to vote for him.
REESE
Kalisha was all, “Clarissa’s totally cute, right? Like, don’t you want to go out with her?”
And I was like, “Maaaaaybe. But I don’t really know how that works.”
’Cause I haven’t had a girlfriend since Hannah.
CLAUDIA
Hannah LEFKOWITZ?! Reese, that was back in preschool!
REESE
So it doesn’t count?
CLAUDIA
It ABSOLUTELY doesn’t count.
REESE
I dunno. I think it should. I don’t remember most of it, but Mom says we were pretty serious. We had playdates and everything.
But either way, dating’s changed a LOT since preschool. So I was kinda clueless.
KALISHA
He was incredibly clueless. I said, “Just talk to her!”
REESE
I was like, “No way. Can’t do it. Too weird.”
KALISHA
I said, “Then text her!” I practically had to write the text for him.
REESE AND CLARISSA (Text messages copied from Reese’s phone)
(REESE) Hey wut up
(CLARISSA) Who is this
Its Reese
Oh heeeeeeeey
Hows it goin
Chillin at the handlez Ed. Note: (aka 16 Handles)
Kewl
Want 2 come by
Ok
REESE
I did NOT want to go hang out at 16 Handles with Clarissa and her friends. But Kalisha made me.
KALISHA
It was a no-brainer. Hang out with Clarissa for a while, win the election!
So I sent Reese off to 16 Handles. And I was thinking, “Wow—could it really be THIS easy to win the election?”
The answer was, “No.” It was not that easy.
REESE
I tried! Seriously. But it was, like… oh, man. It was NOT good. I think I lasted, like, ten minutes with those girls.
I might’ve been able to hang in there longer if I bought a yogurt. But I’d spent all my money getting Kalisha that guiltshake. Ed. Note: (pretty sure this means “milkshake you buy for someone when you feel guilty”)
ATHENA
I’m sorry, but can I just say this?
Reese is furniture. Okay? Like, Clarissa should have invited a CHAIR to hang out with us. The chair would’ve talked more.
Seriously. It’s like Reese only knows how to say one word. And that word is “Uuuuuuhhhhhhhh.”
Do NOT ask me why Clarissa was crushing on him. He is, like, SO zero calories.
REESE
I didn’t know what to say! All those girls talk about is shoes. And people they hate. And shoes.
But I don’t hate anybody! And the only shoes I know anything about are Mercurials. And Clarissa didn’t even know what those were.
So after a while, I pretended to get a text from Mom telling me I had to come home.
And that was pretty much it for my relationship with Clarissa.
KALISHA
It was worth a try.
CHAPTER 13
SOPHIE STEPS ON MY FACE
CLAUDIA
I was on my way home from meeting Akash when Sophie texted me.
SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
Had to turn in article w/no quote from you
That’s ok. Sorry I got mad at u!
CLAUDIA
I wasn’t really sorry. But I wanted to smooth things over, because Sophie was still my best friend. And I knew she was going to be bummed when Akash got her article killed.
Except he didn’t. Five minutes later, I got a text from Parvati.
PARVATI (Text message copied from Claudia’s phone)
OMG DID U SEE THE ARTICLE???
CLAUDIA
I checked the school paper’s website on my phone. And when I saw the article, my head pretty much exploded all over the back of the M79 bus.
BREAKING NEWS: SIXTH GRADERS GONE WILD! Ed. Note: RIDICULOUS HEADLINE (Sophie claims Josh K. wrote it)
Presidential Candidates Vow to Destroy Soccer, Swing From Ceilings If Elected
by Sophie Koh, special correspondent
The campaign for sixth grade class president just got real.
In a Friday Assembly speech that stunned his class, presidential candidate Reese Tapper played an audio recording in which an unidentified girl, believed to be current president Claudia Tapper, calls kids who play soccer “drooling idiots” and vows to “wipe soccer off the map,” make playing the sport “illegal,” and ban soccer jerseys from Culvert Prep.
At press time, analysts had not yet verified the voice on the recording as President Tapper’s. Ed. Note: pretty sure “analyst” was Sophie But many sixth graders were shocked.
“I can’t believe Claudia said that,” Hunter Arnold told a reporter. Ed. Note: no alt. points of view = BAD JOURNALISM
“I don’t even play soccer,” said classmate Caroline O’Leary. “But that is NOT cool.” Ed. Note: no alt. points of view = BAD JOURNALISM
President Tapper could not be reached for comment. Ed. Note: AKASH’S FAULT
However, when asked by a reporter if he believes his sister has the authority to ban soccer if she’s re-elected, Mr. Tapper answered, “Umm… I guess not.”
Mr. Tapper’s campaign manager, Kalisha Hendricks, then broke up the interview and ordered him to leave the room. Ed. Note: this is how I found out who R’s evil genius was
Earlier in the assembly, three-time candidate James Mantolini announced a plan to “put an end to cl
assroom furniture,” replacing desks and chairs with “climbing walls and monkey bars on the ceiling.” However, experts do not believe Mr. Mantolini’s plan is realistic. Ed. Note: “expert” prob also Sophie (or Mrs. Bevan)
CLAUDIA
After I picked up the pieces of my brain from the back of the bus, the first thing I did was call Akash to find out why he hadn’t gotten the article killed.
The conversation did NOT go well.
JOSH KOPPELMAN, Culvert Chronicle editor
There’s NO WAY I was going to kill that piece! It was the first interesting thing that had happened at school in months! And it was RACKING up the page views.
AKASH
Josh was totally uncool about the whole situation.
CLAUDIA
I thought you said you knew where he buried some bodies!
AKASH
I did! They just weren’t actually bodies. And it turned out he didn’t care about them.
CLAUDIA
The second thing I did was call Sophie. And I very calmly asked her to explain why my ABSOLUTELY BEST FRIEND WAS TRYING TO DESTROY ME.
This conversation went even worse than the one with Akash.
SOPHIE
You were NOT being fair to me! I BEGGED you to tell your side of the story! And you wouldn’t give me ANYTHING!
And then I STILL tried to help you—like by saying the voice on the tape might not be yours, and getting Reese to admit you couldn’t ban soccer, and talking about how Kalisha dragged him out of the room like a boss.
I was, like, bending over backwards for you. And you didn’t even appreciate it!
CLAUDIA
It took a lot of time—and almost all my cell phone minutes for the month—but eventually, Sophie and I talked it out.
I agreed to be more available for interviews and stuff. And Sophie agreed to quit stepping on my face.
At least, I THOUGHT that was our agreement. Unfortunately, it did not work out that way.
CHAPTER 14
I Ed. Note: (TRY TO) KEEP MOM AND DAD OUT OF IT
CLAUDIA
By the time I got home that night, I was seriously spun out. Ashley was there, and she could tell right away I was upset. But I did NOT want to talk about it.
ASHLEY
I was like, “C’mon, Claude! I’m your caregiver! That’s what I’m here for! To give care!”
Then I made you a snack. Because you looked like you could really use a toaster pastry.
CLAUDIA
Ashley was being very sweet. And she IS a good listener. At least, during the ten minutes a day when she’s not staring at her phone. Which, tbh, I think is a little unhealthy.
But I was worried if I told Ashley about Reese playing the recording and putting up his ClickChat page full of lies, she’d tell Mom and Dad.
And I did NOT want to get them involved. I’d learned my lesson the first time. Ed. Note: see Chapter 5
Even though what my brother had done to me was cruel, unfair, and possibly illegal, I’d decided I was going to either A) handle it myself or B) call the cops and get him arrested. I was definitely NOT going to C) bust him with Mom and Dad.
So before I told Ashley what happened, I made her swear not to tell them.
But then I threw a plate at Reese’s head, and she told them anyway.
ASHLEY
I didn’t have a choice! It’s totally my job to tell your mom whenever one of you tries to kill the other one.
CLAUDIA
For the record, I was NOT trying to kill Reese. And even if I was, I’m a terrible thrower. So the plate didn’t even come that close to his head.
I also want to say I am ABSOLUTELY 100% AGAINST VIOLENCE. It does NOT solve anything.
If you can help it, you should always talk through your problems instead of throwing plates at people.
But in this case, I seriously couldn’t help it. Because I’d just finished telling Ashley the whole story, and I was totally furious… and then Reese walked in.
And I’d just finished my snack, so the empty plate was right in front of me.
When I think back to that moment, I’m not even sure how the plate wound up flying through the air at Reese’s head.
It just sort of happened.
REESE
I didn’t do ANYTHING! All I did was walk into the kitchen, and SKWA-BLOOSH! Ed. Note: plate did not actually sound like that when it broke
CLAUDIA
Then Ashley texted Mom:
ASHLEY AND MOM (Text messages copied from Ashley’s phone)
(ASHLEY) C just broke one of the red plates
(MOM) It’s ok they’re old
She broke it throwing at R’s head
Calling you now
CLAUDIA
While Ashley was betraying me to Mom, I was in my room texting Dad—NOT to get Reese in trouble, but because I needed legal advice. And he is the only lawyer I know.
(ME) If someone secretly records you and then plays recording in public to make you look psycho, can you have them arrested?
(DAD) What happened, kiddo?
Nothing. Asking for a friend
Was friend in New York when secret recording happened?
Yes
Then legal. NYS wiretapping law only requires one party consent
Can we go out for sushi tonight? I had a very bad day
CLAUDIA
Dad did not answer my sushi question. Probably because by then, he was busy reading Sophie’s article and/or the “Reese for President” ClickChat page. Both of which Ashley had forwarded to Mom.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) Read this: http://www.culvertchron…
Also this: http://www.clickchat.c…
(DAD) OMG THIS IS MADNESS
It’s all your fault
What?!
You wanted to let them make their own mistakes
Which ironically WAS A HUGE MISTAKE
Home in 15 min. Will talk to kids then
I am already home
Try not to lose your temper
Too late
REESE
It was SO SKRONKING UNFAIR! All I did was almost get hit by a plate!
And when Mom got home, she yelled at ME instead of YOU!
CLAUDIA
Because you accused me of strangling first graders!
REESE
No, I didn’t!
CLAUDIA
Yes, you did! It was on the “Reese for President” page!
REESE
Seriously? That’s pretty harsh. I guess I should’ve read that page.
CLAUDIA
Are you kidding me? YOU DIDN’T EVEN READ YOUR OWN CAMPAIGN PAGE?!
REESE
No! That’s why when Mom took my phone away, and then told me to take the page down? I had to get my phone back from her so I could text Kalisha.
REESE AND KALISHA Ed. Note: AND MOM (Text messages copied from Reese’s phone)
(REESE) CAN U DELETE REESE4PREZ PAGE STAT?????
(KALISHA) Why?
MY MOM SEZ I HAVE TO
Tell her it is independent expenditure by an outside group. Supreme Court says they are legal
(MOM (on Reese’s phone)) This is Reese’s mother. The Supreme Court ruling does not apply to 12-year-olds. Please delete that entire page ASAP, or I will call YOUR mother
Sorry, Mrs. Tapper! Deleting page now
REESE
I STILL can’t believe how that whole thing went down.
If I threw a plate at YOUR head, I’d lose all my electronics for a month!
CLAUDIA
Because you have good aim. So it’s much more dangerous.
REESE
IT’S NOT FAIR! MOM AND DAD ALWAYS TAKE YOUR SIDE! YOU NEVER GET IN TROUBLE! EVEN WHEN YOU THROW A PLATE AT MY HEAD! THIS WHOLE FAMILY JUST GANGS UP ON ME! IT’S SO SKRONKING UNFAIR! Ed. Note: Reese getting way too emotional again