Then he started to cry a little.
It was awful. This was supposed to be my moment of triumph. I’d won The War!
Except I didn’t feel triumphant at all. I felt disgusting.
I went to the cabinet and got out a box of toaster pastries. There was only one left.
“Hey, Reese,” I said. “Do you want the last toaster pastry?”
And he snuffled and said, “No. You can have it.”
“I think it’s yours, though,” I said.
“That’s okay,” he said. “You can have it anyway.”
That made me feel even worse.
Because even though my brother can be incredibly annoying, he is basically a good person. And even though making him miserable was perfectly fair considering what he and Xander had done to me, that didn’t mean it was right.
Instead of eating the toaster pastry, I went to my room and messaged Akash:
CLAUDIA AND AKASH (ClickChat Direct Messenger)
Is there any way to put Reese’s castle
and soldiers back like they were?
Did you destroy them all?
Yes but now I feel horrible
Xander’s, too?
No. He logged off before I could finish
Destroy Xander and I will
see what I can do
Ugh. Seriously?
Yes seriously. You have to
destroy Xander’s castle
I just want to forget the
whole thing
We had a deal. You promised to
destroy them both
But it turns out destroying things
is totally gross. Can’t you please just
put it all back?
Sorry. You make a deal with
the devil, you suffer the
consequences
THE DEVIL??? I thought you
were god
Surprise! I am both
AKASH
The truth is, I was ALWAYS going to put everything back the way it was.
CLAUDIA
Seriously?
AKASH
Of course! I am a fair god. And the players on my server are my children. Even the punks.
So when I made you impossible to kill, I also programmed it so in 48 hours, anything you’d killed or burned down would automatically restore.
CLAUDIA
WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT? I wouldn’t have had to spend all that time feeling awful!
AKASH
But you NEEDED to feel awful. So you could see for yourself that mindless destruction and revenge don’t solve anything. And your brother and that idiot Xander had to learn to appreciate what they’ve got, even if it’s just on a server. And that karma exists for them—so when they mess with somebody online, they’ll get messed with right back.
Basically, all three of you needed to learn a whole buttload of life lessons.
CLAUDIA
I guess you’re right.… You’re very wise, you know that?
AKASH
Well, I AM god. Ed. Note: not literally. Just on Planet Amigo.
CLAUDIA
Good point.
I definitely learned my lesson. The War made me psycho in a way I’m not proud of.
I am NEVER going to war with anybody again. Unless they completely deserve it.
And even then, I’ll assemble a coalition first (either through the United Nations, or the people who sit at my lunch table, or whatever) so I have allies who can check my behavior and make sure I don’t get psycho.
This was a very important lesson. And I’d like to point out that I learned it EVEN BEFORE the whole situation blew up in my face in a spectacularly horrible way.
CHAPTER 15
THE FRIDAY MORNING CATASTROPHE
CLAUDIA
I was too burned out to go back on MetaWorld that night. Instead, I went to bed and set my alarm to get up half an hour early so I could burn down Xander’s castle before school.
When I opened my computer the next morning, I checked ClickChat first. Because it’s basically a habit.
Sophie was online, asking whether she should wear her new five-toed socks to school:
CLICKCHAT COMMENTS ON PUBLIC WALL OF “SOPHIE_K_NYC”
sophie_k_nyc is it cold enough to wear these yet?
c_2_the_g Those are SOOOO adorbs!!!
Parvanana So what
sophie_k_nyc if it’s not cold enough my toes will get all sweaty
Parvanana #OVERSHARE
sophie_k_nyc srsly
c_2_the_g wear em… suffer for fashion… hahaha
Parvanana Yah go for it
CLAUDIA
I typed an answer, and just when I was about to hit return, a comment from Xander popped up on Sophie’s wall.
And because the horrible regret I felt about destroying my brother’s castle absolutely DID NOT INCLUDE Xander, who is completely vile and deserves whatever pain he gets, I decided that as long as he was on ClickChat, I’d spend a little quality time taunting him.
So I hit return on my comment to Sophie really fast, then switched from my usual “claudaroo” account to my “InvisibleDeath” account.
Except that I’d never switched back after my exchange with Xander and Reese the day before. So this is what wound up on Sophie’s wall:
CLICKCHAT COMMENTS ON PUBLIC WALL OF “SOPHIE_K_NYC”
Parvanana Yah go for it
XIzKillinIt who cares about yr rank sweaty toes
sophie_k_nyc Xander do I have 2 block u again?
InvisibleDeath OMG totally cute! wear them!
sophie_k_nyc ummm… who is “InvisibleDeath”?
XIzKillinIt WUUUUUUUUT?????
CLAUDIA
Because I’d switched accounts so fast, I didn’t see Sophie’s and Xander’s replies.
So I didn’t realize I was using the wrong account… and what I posted on Xander’s wall was:
CLICKCHAT COMMENT ON PUBLIC WALL OF “XIZKILLINIT”
claudaroo I’m coming for you, Xander. I’m coming to destroy you. I will burn down your home and slaughter everyone in it and leave you with nothing but the bitter memory of how you ran like a coward and abandoned your friend. Did you think running away could save you? Did you think I would forget? I know where you live, Xander. Enjoy this day. It will be your last. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IN THE FLAMES OF MY VENGEANCE.
CLAUDIA
I spent so long writing the perfect taunt that I basically ran out of time to burn down Xander’s castle, and as soon as I hit return, I had to log off and get ready for school.
Which is why I also missed seeing Xander’s reply:
CLICKCHAT COMMENT ON PUBLIC WALL OF “XIZKILLINIT”
XIzKillinIt CLAUDIA U R SOOOO BUSTED!!! #ZeroTolaranceBaby
CLAUDIA
I was in math class when Mrs. Bevan came for me.
JOANNA BEVAN, Vice Principal, Culvert Prep Middle School
I know it seems excessive. But like I said: that’s the problem with a “zero tolerance” policy. It ties my hands as an administrator.
If there is literally “zero” tolerance for cyberbullying, when someone presents me with evidence of an incident, I can’t take the source, or the context, or any nuance into consideration.
I just have to lay down the law.
So when Xander Billington showed me that printout from his ClickChat account, I didn’t have a choice.
I had to suspend you.
I’m sorry, Claudia.
CLAUDIA
I’m sorry, too, Mrs. Bevan.
This has been a very valuable learning experience.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) DID MRS BEVAN FR CULVERT
JUST CALL YOU
(DAD) No. Why?
CLAUDIA GOT SUSPENDED
FROM SCHOOL
You mean Reese
NO. CLAUDIA
OMG WHAT FOR
CYBERBULLYING XANDER
BILLINGTON
I no longer understand how the
world works
CHAPTER 16
PEACE IN OUR TIME
CLAUDIA
Not only did I get a one-day suspension.
Not only did Mrs. Bevan call my parents and get me in crazy trouble at home.
But now I have a police record.
Because according to Culvert Prep’s zero tolerance policy, the school has to report any threats of physical violence to the police. And according to Xander, what I wrote on his wall was a threat of physical violence.
Even though it was actually just a threat of DIGITAL violence.
And even though, thanks to Akash, it was only going to be temporary.
And even though I never even followed through on it.
Because, really, what was the point? I’d had enough. I was done.
And when Akash’s program automatically restored Reese’s castle and soldiers, my brother was so happy he ran through the apartment yelling “SKA-DA-BOOOSH!” and “HIBBITY ZIB-ZAB!”
Which I guess for Reese was like the equivalent of when World War II ended, and everybody went to Times Square to make out with sailors.
The War was over.
I lost.
I just wish there was some kind of program Akash could run on my life to erase the whole thing so it never happened.
REESE
I don’t get it. If you wish it never happened, why are you writing a whole book about it?
CLAUDIA
Because people have to understand it was your fault!
REESE
But it wasn’t my fault.
CLAUDIA
Yes, it was!
REESE
No, it wasn’t. Read the book if you don’t believe me.
CLAUDIA
Did YOU read the book?
REESE
No.
Sorry. I’m going to! Eventually.
But I don’t HAVE to read it. I was there! Starting with the toaster pastry—
CLAUDIA
It doesn’t—!
It’s not—!
Look…
I HAVE to be able to explain… why my police record… WASN’T MY FAULT.
REESE
Explain to who?
CLAUDIA
People!
REESE
What people?
CLAUDIA
People in the future!
REESE
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
CLAUDIA
Of course you don’t! Because all you want to do with your life is be a professional soccer player!
And nobody cares if a soccer player has a police record. They probably ALL do!
But I CAN’T HAVE ONE!
REESE
Why not?
CLAUDIA
Because… just forget it.
REESE
Is this about you wanting to be president?
CLAUDIA
No!
REESE
Really?
REALLY?
CLAUDIA
Okay, yes.
Do NOT make fun of me! Just because I set very high goals for myself—
REESE
I’m not making fun of you! I think it’s totally cool.
CLAUDIA
Really?
REESE
Yeah! Do you know how awesome it’d be for me if my sister was the president? I could, like, hang out at the White House whenever I wanted—
CLAUDIA
I don’t know about “whenever”—
REESE
Oh, come on!
CLAUDIA
Definitely sometimes. Just not, like, every day.
But that’s the thing—if I have a police record, it’ll come out during, like, the New Hampshire primary, and I’ll never get elected!
REESE
Are you kidding? By the time you’re old enough to be president? EVERYBODY will have a police record.
CLAUDIA
That is ridiculous.
REESE
No, seriously. I heard, like, America puts more people in jail than any other country in the world. So we’re basically ALL going to jail at some point.
CLAUDIA
You realize that’s completely insane, right?
REESE
Whatever. You’ll get elected anyway! You’re totally brilliant. You’re, like, the smartest person in our class.
CLAUDIA
You really think that?
REESE
Duh! It’s obvious.
CLAUDIA
Ohmygosh… That is such a nice thing to say.
REESE
Well, I mean it. Just because I hate you doesn’t mean you’re not awesome.
CLAUDIA
Thanks, Reese.
You’re a really nice person, you know that?
REESE
I dunno. I guess so.
CLAUDIA
I mean, you’re so nice it’s actually hard to be in a war with you. It’s like being in a war with a golden retriever.
Ugh! What a mess. I never should’ve put that fish in your backpack.
REESE
Well, look on the bright side—if you hadn’t, you never would’ve found out Jens likes you.
CLAUDIA
WHAT?????!!!!!!
REESE
You didn’t know that?
CLAUDIA
NO, I DID NOT. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
REESE
Well, after that whole “Vest Song” thing—seriously, I am SO sorry—
CLAUDIA
It’s fine! Just keep going!
REESE
Well, a bunch of us were ripping on him about it at practice. And he was, like, “I don’t care. Your sister is cute. I HOPE that song was about me.”
CLAUDIA
OHMYGOSHYOU’RETOTALLYLYINGHEDIDNOTSAYTHAT!
REESE
No, he did. He said it. Seriously.
CLAUDIA
Why did I not know this???!!! Why didn’t you tell me?
REESE
Because you weren’t talking to me. And by the time you started again, it was, like, weeks later. And I just kind of forgot.
CLAUDIA
You are the greatest brother ever.
REESE
You’re just saying that.
CLAUDIA
True. But I sort of mean it, too. I gotta go tell Sophie. This is CRAZY!
REESE
So we’re cool, right? With this war thing? Truce?
CLAUDIA
Truce. Totally.
EPILOGUE
Ed. Note: (i.e., the very, very end)
CLAUDIA
There are definitely a lot of very important lessons to be learned from The War.
But I can’t think of what they are right now, and I have to go meet Sophie and Carmen at Starbucks in ten minutes to strategize the best way to handle the Jens situation.
So I will try to sum up quickly:
If you absolutely have to get involved in a war, try not to let it be with your twin brother. Because even if you win, you will feel totally gross—and when it’s all over, you’ll realize that even though he can be a complete idiot and has terrible taste in friends, deep down he’s a good person who probably cares about you. And maybe you should try to look out for him, too.
Fortunately, except for my police record (and Sophie thinks there might not even BE a police record, because Mrs. Bevan was probably bluffing, like when Mr. Greenwald tells us he’s going to email our parents for talking in science class but then never does), nothing permanently bad happened as a result of this particular War.