of
f
me
,
yo
u
idi
ot!
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” cried Julius as
he tried to escape through a muddy field, but the
monster was fast and soon caught up with him. As
Julius turned to face the monster, he noticed that it
was wearing a pair of stripey pants. “HEY!” cried
Julius. “Are you wearing my LEGS?”
“No!” came a familiar
voice. “You’re
wearing MY LEGS!”
“Oh, BROTHER!”
cried Julius. “Have
you come to set me
FREE?”
“DON’T LET THEM STEAL YOUR LEGS,
JULIUS!” said Brutus.
“I WON’T!” cried Julius. “I WON’T LET
THEM STEAL MY LEGS!”
“WAKE UP, YOU LAZY BOZOS!” roared
Septimus. “WE’RE HERE!”
Through the murk of the dusk, Julius could make
out the unmistakable shapes of Roman buildings,
standing square and tall along the bank.
“Welcome to LONDINIUM!”
said Septimus.
WOW!
!
P.U.!
This place
STINKS!
“Gosh!” he said, taking in the view. “This must be
where everybody was hiding. Check out all those
ships!”
“Merchant ships,” said Cornelius. “The Romans
need their home comforts. You can bet those boats
are filled with wine and olive oil and all that stinky
fish sauce they pour on everything.”
As Julius rubbed his tired eyes, he looked out at a
noisy, bustling port. His nostrils were hit by the very
familiar stink of a city as the cart rumbled over a long
wooden bridge that crossed a great snaking river.
Really?
I ain’t
looking!
“It looks like they’re taking lots of stuff away, too,”
said Julius. “Look at all those poor sheep and cows
being piled onto that ship. I don’t envy their ride.”
“NOW you know why the Romans are here,”
said Cornelius. “They need to feed and clothe that
growing empire of theirs.”
“Keep an eye out for those vicious BRITONS,
though,” warned Julius, ducking down in the cart.
“They’re not getting MY stripey legs!”
“I think you’ll find they’re everywhere!” said
Cornelius, smiling.
I suppose they do....
You mark my
words: there’s
trouble to be had
on this island!
“But it’s COLD!” protested Julius. “Why aren’t
they trying to kill us for our furs?”
“I think maybe Cornelius has been listening to too
many scared Romans!” Rufus said with a laugh.
“Yeah!” said Rufus. “And you know what? They
look pretty ordinary to me!”
Julius peeked out from in between the packs and
stared at all the strange-looking people going about
their business.
“Rufus is probably right,” said Julius. “We don’t
have a thing to worry about. This place looks as
normal as anywhere! The tournament is going to be a
BREEZE. Like Hadrian said, the locals will LOVE us.”
After trundling through the city, the cart suddenly
took a sharp left, revealing a wooden amphitheater
up ahead. “OOH! I think we’ve found our vacation
house!” squealed Julius.
CHAPTER TEN
HOME AWAY
FROM HOME
At least we’ll be nice
and warm in a big
fort like that.
Septimus laughed as he pulled the cart up next
to a ramshackle old barn. “You must be JOKING if
you think we’re going to let a bunch of STINKING
FLEABAGS LIKE YOU stay in our fort.”
“It’s a lot smaller than I expected,” said Julius, looking
the amphitheater up and down. “That gives me hope:
their home crowd won’t be anywhere near as noisy
as the Colosseum’s. We’ll win easily in there!”
The small amphitheater was surrounded by fields,
but just behind it sat an imposing stone fort.
“WHOA!” gasped Cornelius. “That fort must house
A THOUSAND soldiers. Look at the size of it!”
Wait,
what?
Julius jumped off the cart, grumbling. “You can’t
expect us to stay in there. It’s FREEZING!”
Septimus rubbed his hands together to keep warm
as a biting wind blew through the city. “You’d best
He grabbed their knapsacks off the cart and
chucked them onto the ground.
“THIS is where YOU FOOLS are staying during
your little ‘vacation’!” he said with a grin.
Wonderful.
cuddle up close together to keep warm tonight.”
He chuckled. “I don’t want any of you dying of
hypothermia — Hadrian would be VERY displeased!”
Septimus climbed back onto the cart. “Our
tournament starts in two days, so we’ll have a nice
long training session tomorrow to get you warmed
up. SEE YOU AT THE CRACK OF DAWN!” With
that, he merrily trundled off toward the fort.
The sky suddenly darkened, and with a crack of
thunder, a great downpour fell on the city.
Great.
Just great.
Milus stood up and brushed wet straw from his fur.
“Well, this is just GREAT!” he growled. “When these
sneaky Romans finally chuck my broken body into
“Quick! Get inside the barn!” said Lucia.
They crashed through the rotten door to find a
foul, damp hovel, strewn with moldy straw and
bales of stinking hay. Rain streamed in through holes
in the roof.
Oh! You
remember
who I AM,
then?
PLINY!
“Thanks for leaving me behind AGAIN!” he
screeched. “I teach you ALL my fighting techniques,
I turn you into SUPERSTARS, and what thanks do
I get? NONE!” He sat down and started nibbling
on a biscuit.
some cold, wet ditch somewhere, can you please make
sure it says ‘I TOLD YOU SO!’ on my tombstone?”
Milus hurled his knapsack to the floor, and as it
landed, it let out a huge squeak. Everybody turned
and looked at the pack.
“I know that squeak,” whispered Cornelius.
What?
You expected
me to live
on air?
MY
BISCUITS!
“So, what’s going on here, anyway?” asked Pliny.
“I heard you all talking about going on vacay. Where
are we? It’s not warm, so it can’t be Egypt.”
“Britannia!” said Julius.
Pliny nearly choked on his biscuit.
“Have you been in Milus’s pack all this time?” said
Julius.
“So what if I have?” replied Pliny, spitting crumbs
everywhere. “I wasn’t going to show my face and get
roped into scrubbing ships’ decks. Do you think I’m
STUPID or something?”
&n
bsp; “Then you’ve HAD it!” he cried. “This island is the
LAST place you want to be!”
“But Hadrian says we’re going to inspire the
locals,” said Julius. “He set up a tournament for us
and EVERYTHING! We’re the People’s Champions!”
“The People’s Nincompoops, more like,” said
Pliny. “The locals don’t need entertaining; they need
OVERPOWERING!”
“What do you mean?” gasped Julius.
Hadrian doesn’t
like wars!
“But if you guys fail to impress these barbarians
and they keep on being a bunch of troublemakers,
the Senate will FORCE Hadrian to start a very
expensive war against Britannia.”
“The Britons are on the verge of REVOLT!” said
Pliny. “I heard all about it in the Colosseum. I get ALL
my gossip there. The Senate is totally scared about
the WHOLE situation. Hadrian is obviously using
your so-called popularity as a show of his strength
to shut up these whining Britons AND the senators.”
we’d
bette
r
get
start
ed!
SNAP!
You’re going
to need
EXTRA
training!
You’ve got to
up your game!
Hey!
Well,
then ...
“But we’re training tomorrow,” whimpered Julius.
“Then our first fight is the day after. We don’t have
much time!”
OK, you
deadbeats!
Get down
and give
me fifty
push-ups!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
MUD, SWEAT,
AND TEARS
The next morning, big blobs of water dripped
off Julius’s nose as icy rain spat down outside the
wooden amphitheater. Septimus marched up and
down, wrapped up warm and dry in his nice thick
furs, as he inspected the line of animals.
Julius refused to get on the ground. “This is SO
unfair, Septimus. You can’t make us train in this
weather!”
“Yeah!” said Felix. “It’s all right for you, wrapped up
all nice and warm.”
“WHAT?” spluttered Julius. “Push-ups in this cold
mud? You must be joking!”
Septimus leaned close up to Julius’s face. “DO I
LOOK LIKE I’M JOKING?”
“N-n-now that you mention it, no, you
d-d-don’t. . . .” stammered Julius.
“Good,” declared Septimus. “YOU can give me a
hundred!”
So you’d like to
warm up a bit,
would you?
Well, it
would
be nice.
“OK,” said Septimus, “then let me introduce you
to an old Roman army trick for warming up.” He
wandered over to a patch of weeds and grabbed a big
handful of nettles.
“I’m not sure I like the look of this. . . .” whispered
Julius nervously.
Septimus held up the nettles. “When I was in the
Tenth Legion, fighting barbarians in the FORESTS
OF GERMANIA, we didn’t SNIVEL about the
COLD and WET!”
“What’s he going to do?” whispered a perplexed
Felix. “Eat them?”
“NO!” continued Septimus. “We thought on
our feet. We created SOLUTIONS!” He suddenly
whacked Felix’s legs with the nettles.
Are
you
OUT
of your
MIND?
Now that
you mention
it ...
they sort
of are!
Ow!
Felix hopped around, rubbing his legs and crying in
pain. “That REALLY STUNG!” he wailed.
“But aren’t your legs warm now?” said Septimus.
Felix stopped
leaping around
and had a good
look at his red,
throbbing legs.
Exc
elle
nt!
Wh
o’s
NE
XT
?
Arr!
HOOF IT!
AIEE!
What?
T
ha
t’s
fl
ip
pi
n’
M
IL
ES
!
“EXACTLY!” barked Septimus. “CHOP, CHOP!
Get moving, you lazy donkey!”
“We’re warm! We’re warm!” shrieked Cornelius as
they all sprinted off across the field.
“Well,” said Septimus, “seeing as you’re all running
already, I want you to jog around the fort, up to the
river, then back here again.”
Come on!
The faster
we run ...
the
quicker
we’ll get
there!
The animals ran off toward the fort behind the
amphitheater, huffing and puffing as they went.
“I hate running!” spluttered Felix. “I’ve got flat
hooves.”
“I’m still exhausted after our training with Pliny
last night. I can barely feel my claws!” moaned Lucia.
Julius suddenly sprinted past them all.
Hey, shouldn’t we
have turned left
at the fort?
This IS
left!
I think ...
GRR.
Are
we
sur
e
thi
s
is
the
righ
t
wa
y?
Ooh! Pretty
It must be
through
these trees!
AAIEE! BRITONS!
Run for your lives!
Watch out
for the bogs!
Gragh!
Tr
us
t
Ru
fu
s
to
fa
ll
in
a
pu
dd
le!
H
E
A
V
E
!
Help!
Ooh! Look!
A hut!
Let’
s
go
in.
Hello? Anyone home?
C
R
EA
K!
Everyone ran up to the strange hut with its pointy
straw roof and tiny door.
“Do you think there’s anyone inside?” asked Julius.
“I saw smoke coming out of the top of the roof, so
there must be,” said Lucia.
“But what if it’s those scary warriors from the
woods?” asked Felix.
“They were going in the complete opposite
direction,” said Rufus.
“Oh, yeah,” replied Felix, and he nudged the door
open.
T
H
U
M
P
!
Oof!
“SEPTI
MUS!”
“Quite correct, imbecile!” growled Septimus, rain
dripping down his angry red face. “And you’re going
to regret EVER running away!”
Felix poked his head in, and let out an
ENORMOUS SCREAM, causing everyone else to
scream, too. They all ran away from the hut as fast as
their legs could carry them.
“COME BACK!” yelled Julius to Felix. “WHY ARE
WE RUNNING AWAY?”
“I SAW SOMETHING MOVE!” Felix screeched.
Suddenly, he smacked right into a big wet lump
standing in the middle of the field.
Run away
from ME,
would ya?
No one
treats
ME like
an idiot!
STO
MP
!
ST
OM
P!
“EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR AND GIVE ME
ONE HUNDRED PUSH-UPS!”
CHAPTER TWELVE
BRITONS GOT TALENT
The next morning, the animals got up at sunrise and
dashed to the wooden arena, where Septimus was
waiting for them.
Um ... do we have
to talk with funny
Roman accents?
As they sprang into action, Septimus marched up
and down sternly.
“Now you listen to me, you DEADBEATS!”
Everyone looked up, but no one dared to stop their
exercises.
“Today is the first day of our glorious
TOURNAMENT! Hadrian has chosen you idiots,
FOOLISHLY, to my mind, to REPRESENT ROME
against the BRITONS!”
Lucia put up her claw. Septimus spun around and
glared at the crocodile. “This had better be GOOD!”
he said through his gritted teeth.
Benefactors?
Don’t you mean
“evil conquerors”?
Septimus picked Felix up by the scruff of his neck.