To Kristi. Geeks have hope.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
GREAT MOMENTS IN DADA
“PROOF” THAT 2 = 1
SEVEN KICK-ASS MARTIAL ARTS MOVES YOU CAN DO WITHOUT INJURING YOURSELF
SEVEN COMMON JEOPARDY! CATEGORIES
SIX ENGLISH PHRASES YOU CAN SPELL ON A BASIC CALCULATOR
VERY COOL PARASITIC BEHAVIORS
THREE APPLICATIONS OF GAME THEORY
FIVE SECRET SOCIETIES YOU CAN JOIN
HOW TO ASK FOR THE RESTROOM IN TWELVE LANGUAGES
CONSTELLATIONS OF THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE IN SUMMER
FIVE CLASSIC THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS YOU CAN DO WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF BED
SIX CHESS OPENINGS WITH COOL NAMES
ASIMOV'S THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS
THE THREE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF ECONOMICS
FIVE LATIN PHRASES TO SHOUT WHILE RIDING INTO BATTLE
A SAM LOYD PICTURE PUZZLE
SIX BAR BETS YOU CAN WIN
FIVE UNSOLVED PROBLEMS IN MATHEMATICS
THREE MULTIPLICATION TRICKS YOU CAN DO IN YOUR HEAD
GET RICH (NOT SO) QUICK: COMPOUND INTEREST CALCULATOR
A SAM LOYD ALGEBRA PUZZLE
THREE REAL-WORLD PROBLEMS YOU CAN SOLVE WITH THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM (A2 + B2 = C2)
THE QUOTABLE YODA
NINE AUSTRALIAN ANIMALS MOST PEOPLE THINK ARE FAKE
HOW TO BOX-STEP
FOUR RULES OF LOGIC
HOW TO COUNT CARDS: THE MIT BLACKJACK TEAM
HOW TO READ A CHINESE ABACUS
HOW LONG YOU CAN SLEEP ON YOUR ARM WITHOUT LOSING IT
THE HIGHEST-SCORING WORDS IN SCRABBLE
HOW TO BREW YOUR OWN BEER
THREE SPELLING RULES YOU LEARNED AND THEN QUICKLY FORGOT
THE TINKERTOY COMPUTER
THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR BRAIN HURT I: EINSTEIN'S SPECIAL RELATIVITY
PATENT YOUR INVENTION IN SIX EASY STEPS (!)
THE WORLD'S BEST CORNFIELD AND HEDGE MAZES
SEVEN MATERIALS-SCIENCE BLUNDERS THAT BECAME EVERYDAY PRODUCTS
GREAT MOMENTS IN PSEUDOSCIENCE
USELESS STATS OF FAMOUS PIRATES
THE BASICS OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL DETECTION
A SAM LOYD PICTURE PUZZLE
TEN SPORTS REQUIRING ALMOST NO PHYSICAL EXERTION
FOUR OF HISTORY'S GREATEST HEISTS
SIXTEEN ESOTERIC TEXT MESSAGE ABBREVIATIONS
TÊTE DE VEAU: A RECIPE FOR A TRULY DISTURBED FRENCH FOOD
TWO LIKELY OPTIONS FOR A SECOND EARTH
THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR BRAIN HURT II: EINSTEIN'S GENERAL RELATIVITY
WHAT RICHARD FEYNMAN KNEW ABOUT SAFECRACKING
THE CLASSES REQUIRED FOR MIT'S B.A. IN ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING AND COMPUTER SCIENCE
FIVE CLASSIC MACGYVER HACKS
SIX PEOPLE WHOSE OBITUARIES WERE PUBLISHED BEFORE THEIR DEATHS
WWF STARS OF THE 1980S
INTERNET POKER: BY THE NUMBERS
FINGER AMPUTATION DATA
THE BEST COLLECTIBLES FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSES
NINE SHADOW PUPPETS YOU CAN MAKE WITH YOUR HANDS
BEWARE, MLB HURLERS: TED WILLIAMS MAY BE BACK
HOMOPHONES, HOMOPHENES, HOMOGRAPHS, HOMONYMS, AND HETERONYMS
A DIAGRAM OF THE CAFFEINE MOLECULE
A SAM LOYD LOGIC PUZZLE
GREAT MOMENTS IN MORK & MINDY
THE TOOLS OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST SWISS ARMY KNIFE
GUITAR TABLATURE FOR THE OPENING OF AEROSMITH'S “WALK THIS WAY”
SIX UNQUESTIONABLY TRUE CONSPIRACIES
HIGHLIGHTS OF EARLY MATHEMATICS EDUCATION
SYMBOLISM OF THE REVERSE SIDE OF THE ONE-DOLLAR BILL
THE QUOTABLE HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
HOW TO HAVE SEX ON SECOND LIFE
SUDOKU STRATEGY
MORAL LESSONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MONSTERS OF THE ODYSSEY
CAFFEINE LEVELS IN DESIGNER COFFEE
A SAM LOYD PICTURE PUZZLE
THREE STEPS TO SUCCESSFUL EXORCISM
NOTABLE EMERGENCY USES OF DUCT TAPE
THE GREAT MYTH OF THE METRIC SYSTEM
THE SCOUTING HIERARCHY
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRE-1980 KUNG FU MOVIES
A BIT OF CARD-BASED MATHEMATICAL FLIMFLAMMERY
THE RULES OF PIG LATIN
FIVE COOL CONSTANTS FROM THE WORLD OF PHYSICS
FOUR GREEK MYTHS IN EXACTLY 200 WORDS
THE 10 MOST VALUABLE COMIC BOOKS
THE QUOTABLE CHE GUEVARA
FIVE BRILLIANT RUSSIAN NOVELISTS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF
GREAT CARS IN 007 FILMS
HOW TO MAKE AND USE A QUILL PEN
POLTI'S 36 DRAMATIC SITUATIONS
FIVE USEFUL PHRASES IN KLINGON
TEN SOMEWHAT ARCANE DIAGRAMS OF PULLEY SYSTEMS
WINE VARIETALS: GET SNOOTY QUICK
THE BASICS OF GEOCACHING
CONVERSION: CELSIUS TO FAHRENHEIT TO KELVIN
A SAM LOYD LOGIC PUZZLE
HOW TO MAKE A LASER
SPEED READING MADE EASY
THE 10 ALL-TIME GEEKIEST WRITERS
SOMEWHAT ABSTRACT EMOTICONS
ARE YOU FAT? DETERMINING BODY DENSITY THROUGH HYDROSTATIC WEIGHING
THE FINGER CALCULATOR TRICK
CHINESE NAMES OF POPULAR TAKE-OUT FOODS
33 SONGS YOU CAN PLAY ON GUITAR WITH ONLY THE FOLLOWING THREE CHORDS
THREE TWO-PLAYER PAPER-AND-PENCIL GAMES
CLASSIC EYE-BENDERS FROM THE WORLD OF GESTALT PSYCHOLOGY
GREAT THINKERS WHO HAVE MET TRAGICOMICALLY GRUESOME ENDS
IMPORTANT LINKS FOR USE WITH THE SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON
AI AND THE END OF HUMAN RELEVANCE
THANKSGIVING DINNER IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS
APOLYTON UNIVERSITY: B.A. IN BS OR NEW-WAVE IT DEGREE?
TWELVE HARRY POTTER SPELLS FOR USE IN DUELING
THE SIMPLEST ELECTRIC MOTOR
PATTERNS IN THE PERIODIC TABLE OF THE ELEMENTS
A SAM LOYD MATHEMATICS PUZZLE
A BIT OF PSEUDO-INCOMPREHENSIBILIA FROM A PAPER MY FRIEND WROTE
DRAGONS IN MYTH
SECURITIES SAVINGS ACCOUNTS: IRA VS. 401(K) VS. MUTUAL OR INDEX FUNDS VS. BONDS
HACKING 101
FOUR CLASSIC TYPES OF RAT MAZE
THE PREDICTIVE POWERS OF THE IOWA ELECTRONIC MARKETS
MANGA, ANIME, AND THE GRAPHIC NOVEL
THE LESS-KNOWN FICTION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN
THE FOUR LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
ROBOGAMES AND OTHER ROBOTICS COMPETITIONS
FUN QUOTES FROM THE WORLD'S TOP DICTATORS
COOL INVENTIONS OF THE ANCIENT CHINESE
NASA'S CENTENNIAL CHALLENGES
THE PREDICTIONS OF NOSTRADAMUS
THE TRAGIC CASE OF LEE SEUNG SEOP
MALE/FEMALE RATIO AND BAND TRIVIA FROM AMERICA'S TOP UNIVERSITIES
FOUR PRETTY CONVINCING UFO SIGHTINGS
STARTING PAY BY COLLEGE MAJOR
THE MYSTERIOUS NUMBER PHI
THE 121 CURRENT BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGES FROM MOST TO LEAST GEEKY
THE NINE TAXONS USED TO CLASSIFY ALL LIVING THINGS
A SAM LOYD PICTURE PUZZLE
FIVE VERY GOOD PLACES TO EAT PIE (THE DESSERT)
ESSENTIAL EQUATIONS: DETERMINING THE ALCOHOL CONTENT OF HOME BREW
HEIGHT/WEIGHT CHART
A FILM-CANISTER CANNON NEARLY GUARANTEED TO REMOVE EYEBROWS AND/OR BLOW OFF FINGERS
COMMON PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES
FAMOUS SWORDS OF HISTORY, MYTH, AND LEGEND
THE THREE MOST COMPREHENSIBLE IRRATIONAL NUMBERS
NICKTOONS AND CARTOON NET
WORK SHOWS THAT ARE PERHAPS BEST APPRECIATED BY ADULTS
CALCULATING MONTHLY MORTGAGE PAYMENTS AND FUTURE INVESTMENT WORTH
DECIMAL, BINARY, AND HEXADECIMAL
ATTRACTING SEARCH ENGINE ATTENTION
WHAT'S SO FRICKING COOL ABOUT THE HUMAN GENOME PROJECT?
THE BENDS: RULES FOR DECOMPRESSION
A SAM LOYD MATHEMATICS PUZZLE
POWERFUL THINK TANKS AND THEIR IDEOLOGIES
EVERYDAY APPLICATIONS OF QUANTUM MECHANICS
AT-HOME EYE EXAM
FROM THE OFFICIAL RULES OF ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS
SIX SOMEWHAT FIENDISH CHESS PROBLEMS
THE CLASSIC PONZI SCHEME
POKERBOTS
NINE KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES LIKELY ORIGINATING IN WISCONSIN
THE FIVE CANONS OF RHETORIC
CATCHPHRASES FOR THE MANAGEMENT OF EMERGENCY SITUATIONS
A SAM LOYD MATHEMATICS PUZZLE
SOMEWHAT ESOTERIC MACINTOSH KEYSTROKES
FIVE NOT-TO-BE-MISSED TECH CONVENTIONS
MAP: RECORDED FINDINGS OF GIANT SQUID
THE BASICS OF NUCLEAR ENERGY
THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM
THE FINE ART OF THUMB TWIDDLING
THUMBS II: WRESTLING CHEATS AND THE TWF
HOW TO MAKE CHAIN-MAIL ARMOR
MORSE CODE
MECHANICS OF THE THEATRICAL FLY SYSTEM
THE LONGEST AT-LEAST HALFWAY BELIEVABLE DESCRIPTOR FOR DESIGNER COFFEE
THE NINE MEMBERS OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
A SAM LOYD MATHEMATICS PUZZLE
A STRANGE THING SOMEWHAT NEAR REDMOND, WASHINGTON
THE PETERS PROJECTION VERSUS MERCATOR MAP
REFRACTION: HOW TO POP A CAP IN A CARP
AHAB : MOBY-DICK ::SHIMOMURA : ________
THREE BASIC TAP-DANCE STEPS
TRAGICOMIC EVENTS IN THE LIFE OF FABIO
BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID: THE CPSC'S TOP FIVE HOME HAZARDS
TONGUE TWISTERS IN LANGUAGES OF FEWER THAN A MILLION SPEAKERS
HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME IN ELVISH
CAFFEINE TOXICITY: HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?
LEGO ART
THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD THE NASA WAY
A SAM LOYD MATHEMATICS PUZZLE
FOUR VERY DIFFERENT “BEST” AMERICAN BOWLING ALLEYS
CORNELL UNIVERSITY'S “I TOUCHED CARL SAGAN” CONTEST
FOUR RECIPES USING ONLY FLOUR, BUTTER, EGGS, MILK, AND WATER
MOVIES FOR THE MATHEMATICALLY MINDED
THINGS YOU WILL FIND WHEN YOU MISTYPE “MIT” INTO A SEARCH ENGINE
BEACHES AT WHICH YOU ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE EATEN (BY SHARKS)
THE DIGITAL PINHOLE CAMERA AND THE END OF ART
EIGHT U.S. TOWNS WITH SEXUALLY EXPLICIT NAMES
TWO IMPORTANT SUGGESTIONS FROM THE WORLD ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS SOCIETY'S RESPONSIBILITY CODE
CLONE YOUR PET IN FIVE (NOT SO) EASY STEPS
PING-PONG DIPLOMACY
SIXTEEN CLASSIC BUSINESS AND ECONOMICS BOOKS
THE SEVEN BEST COLLEGE PRANKS OF ALL TIME, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER
THREE BILLION-DOLLAR BUSINESSES THAT STARTED IN GARAGES
SEVEN MUST-SEE SIGHTS ON THE GEEK WORLD PILGRIMAGE
HOW TO LOAD A PAIR OF DICE
IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT: JEREMY BENTHAM'S HEDONISTIC CALCULUS
PENCIL-AND-PAPER ROLE-PLAYING GAMES: GENRES AND MAJOR EXAMPLES
NOTHING BUT A GIGOLO
SLINKY TRICKS
A SAM LOYD MATHEMATICS PROBLEM
GREAT FEATS OF RUBIK'S CUBISM
CHEMICAL EQUATION PUZZLES: IF THESE ARE FUN, YOU ARE A GEEK
BEWARE YOUR FOOD
PHOENIX CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: “YES, BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT”
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HARRY ANDERSON FROM NIGHT COURT?
ULTIMATE FREEDOM: GOING COMMANDO
HOT WHEELS CARS RELEASED IN 1968 AND 1969
VALUE-BASED FANTASY FOOTBALL: DEFT, NOT DAFT, IN THE DRAFT
OH SHIT! IT'S THE SCIENCE FAIR!
QUASIMODO: MASTER OF PERMUTATIVE GROUP THEORY
IM AT YOUR OWN RISK
GREAT MOMENTS IN CITIZEN JOURNALISM
THE QUOTABLE BILL GATES
TELEPORTATION USING EINSTEIN-PODOLSKY-ROSEN (EPR) ENTANGLEMENT
ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: ALTERNATE SYMBOLS
A SAM LOYD PICTURE PUZZLE
CARTOON WOMEN WHO HAPPEN TO BE VERY HOT
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ROCKETRY'S SAFETY CODE
THE HIDDEN HISTORY OF ICONIC SPORTS TEAM NAMES
HYPNOSIS 101: HOW TO MAKE YOUR FRIENDS ACT LIKE CHICKENS
80S DANCE MOVES THAT DESERVE RESURGENCE
TOUCH-TONE TUNES: THE KEYS TO SUCCESS
THE EVOLUTION OF LINK, THE GAMING CHARACTER
MacGYVER WINE MAKING
THE MATHEMATICS OF SPAM FILTERS
PETER PIPER PICKED A KEPPLER-POINSOT POLYHEDRON PATTERN
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION GAGS REQUIRING PROPS IN THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
THE LONGEST WORDS IN MANY LANGUAGES
CREVASSE RESCUE USING COOL PULLEYS
ORIGAMI FROG HIGH JUMP CHALLENGE
THREE MORE PENCIL AND PAPER GAMES
A SAM LOYD LOGIC PUZZLE
COFFEE ALTERNATIVES
THE COOL THING ABOUT DIVIDING BY SEVEN
PERSON NEVER SEEN IN THE SAME ROOM AS BATMAN
SELECTIONS FROM THE SOCIETY FOR CREATIVE ANACHRONISM'S RULES FOR ARMED COMBAT
THE WORLD'S WORST SOMEWHAT-MODERN NATURAL DISASTERS
THE WORLD'S WORST SOMEWHAT-MODERN NATURAL DISASTER MOVIES
A BRIEF HISTORY OF LASER WEAPONS
RARE NORTH AMERICAN BIRDS AND WHERE THEY CAN BEST BE SEEN
MARITIME SIGNAL LANGUAGE
THE QUOTABLE XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
A RECORDER FINGERING CHART
INTERESTING BITS OF EGGSHELL PHYSICS
ALTERNATE PATHS TO SUCCESS
SUPERHEROES, THEIR NEMESES, POWERS, SECRET BASES, AND WEAKNESSES
THE MATHEMATICAL DEFINITION OF AN EULER BRICK
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S A LOOPHOLE!
OCARINA SONGS FROM THE LEGEND OF ZELDA
TOILET TRAIN YOUR CAT
TURTLE ART
THE JOYS OF FANGRAPHS.COM
SIX STEPS TO COLLEGE ACCEPTANCE
FOLDING INSTRUCTIONS FOR A MASSIVELY COMPLEX PAPER AIRPLANE
ARE YOU HOT? YOUR COMPUTER KNOWS
A SAM LOYD LOGIC PUZZLE
THE TURING MACHINE
A SAMPLING OF YIDDISH WORDS ADOPTED INTO THE COMMON LEXICON
THE PROBLEM WITH SEMAPHORE
BODY TRICKS WE LEARNED IN MIDDLE SCHOOL THAT INDUCE ZOMBIFIC POSSESSION AND/OR ALTERED STATES OF CONSCIOUSNESS AND PERCEPTION
SLIGHTLY COMBATIVE AND/OR VIOLENT TWO-PERSON GAMES
BECOME A BILLIONAIRE TODAY THROUGH THE POWER OF NO-LOSE BIDDING!
THE QUOTABLE KUNG FU
IT'S THE GREAT CIRCLE (CHARLIE BROWN)
THE BASICS OF GOLDEN AGE GEEK BRITCOM
THE NECESSARY HOME SAFETY DEVICES
UNDERSTANDING THE SUBPRIME MORTGAGE DEBACLE
FOUR PAIRS OF VELCRO SHOES AVAILABLE NEW FOR BELOW $34.99
DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONES
DAVID COPPERFIELD'S ATTEMPT TO DISCOURAGE THE HUDDLED MASSES
ODE TO NPR
A TIMELINE IN PICTURES: BADLY BROKEN ARM
ANOTHER LOOK AT PSEUDOSCIENCES
THE QUOTABLE X-FILES
THE ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, PART I
THE ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, PART II
THE 0.15 OF A TOPIC: THE ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, PART III
BRAINS, BRAINS!
HOW TO PROGRAM UNIVERSAL REMOTE CONTROLS
SINUS INFECTION, BEGONE!
YE OLDE WEB ACRONYMS
THE WORLDS OF NORSE MYTHOLOGY
ARCH PHYSICS
HOW TO TAP A MAPLE TREE AND CONDENSE SYRUP
HOJUJITSU ROP
E RESTRAINT
WHISTLE PHYSICS AND AIRPLANE WINGS
SPECIES IN D&D, MIDDLE-EARTH, WINNIE-THE-POOH, AND MAGIC: THE GATHERING
PIMP YOUR CUBICLE: FIVE MUST-HAVE GADGETS
THE RUBE GOLDBERG MACHINE
ELEVEN WAYS TO MAKE MONEY ONLINE
A MASSIVELY COOL DIAGRAM OF A SYNAPSE
A SAM LOYD SLIDING-TILE PUZZLE
PANGRAMS IN MANY LANGUAGES
DATING TELLS
THE QUOTABLE FUTURAMA
SPECIES COUNTERPOINT
THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY
RACISM AND GENOCIDE IN THE MMORPG LINEAGE II
FUTURE COOLNESS AS PROMISED BY NASA
INFORM AND INTERACTIVE FICTION
SPAM HAIKU
BLINKENLIGHTS: COURTESY OF IBM, 1955
BEER'S CONTRIBUTION TO THE FIELD OF STATISTICS
THE ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS MATING STRATEGY OF THE SIDE-BLOTCHED LIZARD
HEAD PICKLING THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY
WORLD LEADERS WHO ALSO HAPPEN TO BE HOT
APPENDIX: VERY GEEKY PUZZLE ANSWERS
Thanks to my web of friends willing to point in the direction of splendid geekery: Rob Bentley, Jer Goldman, Louie Yang, Rich Katz, Ariel Kemp, Constance Steinkuehler, Derek Lam, Ben Sacks, Jocelyn Hendrickson, Jeremy Masters, Joe Gosen, Jamileh Jemison, Bill Pikiewicz, et al. Thanks also to my family, who weathered the perfect storm of this geekery inserted into every conversation for a year without dumping or disowning me. (Of course, much of this geekery is my family's fault, anyway.) Thanks to Julian Pavia, Philip Patrick, Carrie Thornton, Adam Korn, and the rest of the Three Rivers gang (the house with the highest geek-to-editor ratio of any major publisher). Thanks, too, to agent extraordinaire Jennifer Griffin, who leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Finally, thanks to my Labrador, Gus, for ensuring I continue to see the light of day (even if only for the time it takes him to create acidgenic bald spots on the lawn).
Welcome to my GEEK brain.
It has exactly 314.15 information slots. While I wish there were more slots, alas, there are not. And while I wish these slots were packed with things like mathematical proofs of Millennium Prize problems, the mechanics of teleportation using Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen entanglement, and the physics behind NASA'S new plasma propulsion engine, this is not the case either. Instead, elbowing out useful, enriching, or scientific facts are folding instructions for a jumping origami frog, lists of English words you can spell on a basic calculator, and haikus written in praise of SPAM (the pork product of questionable lineage), all of which threaten at any second to burst through my facade of normalcy like parasitic aliens from John Hurt's chest. Geek attack: Picture it. It's not pretty.
And, for better or for worse, I'm not alone.
Today's ubiquitous geek is like a massive musical mixing board, with various geeks turning up or turning down different dials, boosting—for example—80s pop arcana or programming languages or fantasy football stats or behavioral economics or quotes from This Is Spinal Tap (the last of which have the relevant dial turned up to 11). We don't all boost the same dials and we certainly don't appreciate being defined; however, there is one constant that applies to all brands of geek—in all of us, these dials are turned way up. In fact, our geek informational dials are turned up to the point that they sometimes drown out our ability to function smoothly in the social world; in other words, with our geek specialty of choice thumping away inside our brains at maximum decibels, things like social niceties, our wardrobes, our anniversaries, and our ability to contribute to dinner conversation without injecting weird factoids from the mating strategies of clownfish can be effectively silenced.