Of plain white cotton panties.
Like them?
She asks, pursing her lips.
I picked them in his honor.
She’s referring to her Mormon date.
A solemn fourteen-year-old
Who waits upstairs with David.
You need a better bra
She says, eyeing my insufficient chest
In the green V-necked bodice.
Try this one.
I slip the dress down
And hook the new bra in place
While Kayli manhandles my boobs
Like uncooperative children.
Turn, she commands
And the two ripe, round
Creamy buns spilling from the dress
Nearly blind me.
That, my baby sister says
Is why they call it WonderBra.
EYE CONTACT
Poor David
He really tries
To look me in the eyes
Go ahead
Take a good look, it’s okay
Let’s just get it out of the way.
Wow, he says to my cleavage
Blushing red as a stop sign
You look divine.
His smile
Sheepish, disarming
Is utterly charming.
DOUBLE DATE
Kayli’s date, Parker
Is only allowed “group dates”
And invited me and David along
As a peace offering
After all the fuss last year.
In a quiet moment
While David hangs our coats
And Kayli powders her nose
Parker fidgets and sighs
And finally says, Sorry.
Not your fault, I say
Thirteen years old
What were you supposed to do
With a picture like that?
Really, it’s David’s fault.
You’re Catholic, right?
Is that why you forgave him?
David returns from the coat check
Looking splendidly rakish.
One of the reasons, I say.
DAVID
He’s one of those handsome boys
Who lurks in the shadow
Of a more handsome brother
Skates across the ice
After a better sniper
Struggles through classes
That his brother aced.
He’s one of those sweet boys
You would think
Had a new girl each week
But as he confessed to me
Has had no girls at all
Ever.
He’s one of those happy boys
Whose laughter hides
A darker side
A deeper struggle
A brain that buzzes
A heart that longs
For praise he never gets.
He’s one of those lost boys
Just waiting
To be found
I guess that’s how
He ended up
With me.
SLOW DANCING
Eyes turn
And whispers hiss
David and ELLA?
My head rests
Cheek to his chest
Ella and DAVID?
His fingers tiptoe
Around my hip
David and ME.
LITTLE BLACK DRESSES
Genie and her clique
Corner me in the ladies room
Like crows converging on carrion.
Pretty dress, Ella, Genie says
But what on EARTH is your sister wearing?
Her friends cackle on cue.
It’s vintage, I say, but your dresses are lovely.
Was it one respectable dress
That you cut into three?
They giggle, like I’ve just complimented them
For showing so much skin
And their legs, backs and boobs slink out.
Leaving me, heart galloping
My fingers curled around the sink
So tight it hurts.
FIRST KISS
Have you seen Kayli?
I ask David
Worried now that Genie will
Go after her too.
I’m feeling
The gloss wearing off
The sparkle dimming
The champagne bubbles popping
On Spring Fling.
Now I just
Want to
Go
Home.
We find Kayli and Parker
By the fountain
Her pressed against
A Grecian column.
The hem of the pink dress
Is bunched in Parker’s fist
On her thigh.
Are you all right?
David asks her.
My sister.
My fourteen-year-old
Baby
She grins
Lipstick smeared
Starry-eyed.
I’m great,
She says
And you?
DRIVEWAY
We drop off Parker first
OUT, David says
As Kayli’s goodnight kiss
Gets slightly out of hand.
Later, Kayli runs barefoot
Up our driveway
I see her barreling down the hall
As the front door swings closed.
She’ll be calling all her girlfriends,
I tell David, to give them a report.
What about you? he asks
Will you be reporting to your girlfriends?
I could say, “What girlfriends?”
Or “What’s to report?”
But instead I look at my knees
While David loosens his tie.
TRANSITION
Did you have fun?
Yes. Did you?
Yes. Would you like to go out with me again?
We go out together all the time.
We saw Cats last week.
Right. Singing cats.
That was brilliant.
Better than that so-called hockey game.
No, no, that was wrestling.
Ice wrestling?
Yes. That’s a thing now.
Didn’t you know?
You’re cute when you snort.
You look good in a suit.
Right?
I might wear it to school.
Can you imagine?
Parker is not a very good Mormon, is he?
You’re not a very good Catholic.
You’re not a very good Jew.
What do you mean?
I’m circumcised!
Ew. TMI.
You ate five pounds of pork ribs
Right in front of me.
Those were emu ribs.
Emu?
Possibly ostrich. Or wombat.
It was Friday night
And you drove.
You’re right.
I’m a terrible Jew.
I’m not smart enough to start with
And I’m too tall.
Oh, they have tall Jews now.
They do?
Yes, it’s new.
Who are “they” exactly?
Sears.
I see.
In the racial-stereotype department?
Yes. It’s right next to lingerie.
I love it when girls say “lingerie.”
Even the word is sexy.
It’s hilarious when boys say it.
Say “mascara.”
Mascara.
You’re snorting again.
I can’t help it.
You’re funny.
That’s because I’m Canadian.
Stop snorting!
Are you making me laugh
So my boobs will jiggle?
What?! No!
But awesome idea.
I ha
ven’t even been looking.
That’s because you’re a gentleman.
No, it’s also because I’m Canadian.
You’re right.
They ARE jiggling.
David!
What?
It was your idea.
They’re like milky Jell-O balls.
That’s the worst boob metaphor
I’ve ever heard.
Surely not.
How many have you heard?
And wasn’t that a simile?
Thank you, Captain Language Arts.
YOU snorted!
I did not.
That was a chortle.
I should get inside.
I’ll walk you to the door.
TEXT
There’s a beep
An odd chirp
From David’s pocket
And everything changes.
His smile becomes
A frown.
His laughter becomes
Silence.
His offer to walk me to the door
Vanishes.
His phone appears
And our joy
Our fun night out
Ends somehow.
What is it?
What’s the matter?
Are you okay?
Fine, he says
But I have to go.
SILENCE
The house feels empty
Though it’s only sleeping.
My head feels heavy
Though it’s also churning.
David’s car peels away into the dark
But curiosity stays with me.
It’s not my business.
He’s not my boyfriend.
I’m slightly whiplashed though
By his change of mood.
For all Samir’s complexity
David is even harder to read.
DARKNESS: PART TWO
I’m thinking of u,
Samir texts.
At this time of night
This is cheeky code
For something
Rather crude
And according to his beliefs
Forbidden.
Me 2,
I text back.
Not quite true
But close enough.
AFTERGLOW
Sent an email, he texts.
I read it
Phone light
Glowing bluish
Around me.
Last time
Before I broke up with you
I was always so happy
When we were together
But miserable
Full of doubt
And guilt
When we were apart.
This time
Happiness lingers
Erasing
The misery
And doubt
And guilt
Day and night
Every minute
I’m blissfully
In love
With you.
XO,
Your Samir
NIGHT LIGHT
A dream
A coyote’s howl
Launches me
Into the dark
Real world
As mystery trips away
Like a tail flicking
Slipping through
Grasping fingers
Momentarily
I wonder
If it isn’t
Really
Me
I’m afraid
Of
Losing.
PINK MARKER
In predawn lamplight
I scribble out Parker’s hand
His trimmed fingernails
And boring watch
Skinny wrist
His pale, stumpy fingers
Fisting a handful of chiffon
On Kayli’s thigh.
I do the whole thing
In nauseating pink ink
A feeble attempt
To emasculate him
For touching my sister.
OUT OF SYNC
The bell rings
The crowd parts
Like a salty sea
I drift from class
To class
A watery
Washed-up
Ghost.
The teachers start
Looking through me
As though I’m glass
Or falling ash
Like something
Scraped off
Toast.
My classmates see
A repentant smart-ass
I never asked
Who my prank
Would hurt
Most.
Unmasked
At last
I let them
Gloat.
They pass
A note.
INTERCEPTED LIES
She thinks she’s so edgy.
She’s obsessed with her hoo-hoo.
LOL! Free speech my flappy labia.
Snort! No one even writes on that stupid wall anymore.
It was a boring fad.
They should paint over it.
I heard she practically STALKS David.
He’s a loser too. He used to be cool.
He’s so MOODY now.
Wouldn’t YOU be with a brother like that?
She turned Sam gay.
LOL! You’re terrible.
I know.
BOREDOM AND HUMILIATION
After months of homeschooling
Regular school is hard to take
And I have to keep my nose
Squeaky clean.
I’m tempted to enlarge the note
On the library photocopier
And paper the stairwell
And staff lounge.
But Principal Pinch Face
Is just waiting for an excuse.
I don’t think he enjoyed
Looking the bad guy last year.
That part at least
Is not my fault.
No one forced him
To suspend me.
He drops hints.
I’m told your sister
Will join us in the fall.
Won’t that be nice?
And I hear:
“I hope she’s not
As much of a screw-up
As you.”
If you want to go on
The New York trip
You will have to join
A fundraising group.
I try not to choke
At this new horror
But before the last bell
Am down for “car wash.”
FRIENDSHIP
Samir’s arms are crossed
When I get into the car.
I buckle in
And wait
Resisting the urge
To kiss the pout
From his pretty lips.
What’s your deal with David?
He asks.
It’s not like I haven’t been
Expecting this.
What deal? We’re friends
I say, looking down
At my dorky skirt
And serious shoes.
He took you to Spring Fling?
I explain the “group date” thing
And try to make him laugh
By telling him it sounds
Kinky to me.
Samir is not quite appeased.
Why do you hang around
With that dumb jock?
I would like to tell him
That David is far from dumb
But that’s not really
What this is about.
I’m entitled to friends
I say, and it comes out decisively
More than how it feels.
Because I think I’m rewriting
The book of friendship
And entitlement.
GIRLS
Why can’t you be friends with gir
ls?
He asks and forgets to add:
“Like a normal person.”
It’s almost as though he doesn’t know
He’s asking for the moon.
I’ve been “friends” with girls before,
I remind him. How’d that turn out?
Wait. No, I remember. One bunch
Tried to kill me, and last year
My “friend” nearly got you arrested.
So excuse me if I prefer David.
David has no reason to hurt me.
David already feels responsible
For everything that happened
And if David wants something more
He’ll tell me and I’ll tell you. Okay?
Anyway, if you’re ready
To defy your parents and go public
Be my real-life boyfriend again
David will respect that.
Right now he thinks you and I
Are just friends, like you want him to.
So what am I supposed to say?
My “friend” Samir doesn’t want to share?
I take a breath
Shocked that all that
Came out of my mouth.
I guess it needed to be said.
Samir is not happy, but behind
Those dark and brooding eyes
Behind that conflict
Is a reasonable boy who loves me
And trusts me too, which maybe
I don’t quite deserve.
Chapter Three
Unexpected
SHOPPING MALL
I rue the day
I vowed
To get a job.
I think I’d really
Rather
Be a slob.
The mall where
I try to sell
My soul
Is so dark
I might become
A hairless mole.
MY RESUME
Ella, short for elephant
Student
Troublemaker
Seducer of pious boys.
Ella, short for Raphaelle
Fallen angel
Artist
Pornographer.
Ella, who hates
Fashion
Fast food
And most people.
Ella, yes, that Ella
Yes, I did go to jail
(For one night)
No, I DON’T have a record.
Ella, founder of
The Freedom Wall
Finder of flaws
Photographer.
No, I don’t have
Any experience
Or skills
To offer you.
Yes, I
Really
Need
A job.
EXHAUSTION
Mom tries to be encouraging
It took me a long time to find something.
She’s now teaching ESL kids
How to read.
I don’t have “a long time,” I say