My crony
My pal
My BFF, VBFF, BFFL, and VBFFL
I will call you all these things
And oh so many more
But I will never call you “my owner”
Nor by your name, which I forgot
I’m thinking it’s “Sneave”?
Is that something a person would call themselves?
Anyway, we’re good
JUST A CAT
“You can’t play catch
You can’t play dead
You can’t shake hands
You can’t roll over
You can’t take a bow
Because you’re just a cat.”
Actually
I do all those things
All the time
Only I taught myself
So it’s not your command
For how to occupy my time
In the middle of the night
When the ghosts are too busy watching you sleep
NEVER ASSUME
Never assume everything is okay
Never assume it will stay that way
Look for the flaws
Find the faults
See what is not right
And then respond
Respond
Respond
Until you’ve torn apart
An entire roll of single-ply toilet paper
Since anything less than two-ply
Is like wiping yourself with a hand and a dream
VICTORY
I see all your taped-up boxes
I see your suitcases packed
I see all your furniture
Being loaded onto trucks
And I think
“Did I really win by this much?
Is this place now completely mine?
Are they at least going to leave the sofa
So I can have a place for friends to crash?”
But then I see the pet carrier
And I realize
Every victory is another step
Not a full stop
Every accomplishment is another foothold
Not the final summit
And so I will continue the fight
By drawing as much blood as possible
As you try to shove me into that thing
MAYBE . . . JUST MAYBE . . .
IT WILL STOP
Am I just talking myself
Into deceiving me
Am I just fooling myself
About the possibility
But I hear that others
Need this to stop
Even agreed by my enemy
The dog, who convinced
The pet lizard to finally see
That if we get up
Stand up
Rise up
This house can truly be
Along with the humans
A shared responsibility
Now, who gets the master bedroom?
Acknowledgments
My deepest gratitude to my family, Stacey Bell, Scott Mendel, Patty Rice, Kirsty Melville, Diane Marsh, Elizabeth Garcia, Tamara Haus, Stephanie Finkelstein, and every single cat who ever let me study them for hours without thinking “Get a job” or “I really should smack him on the head now.”
About the Author
Francesco Marciuliano is the author of the bestselling books I Could Pee on This, I Could Chew on This, I Knead My Mommy, You Need More Sleep, and I Could Pee on This, Too. He writes the syndicated comic strips Sally Forth and Judge Parker as well as the webcomic Medium Large. He was the head writer for the Emmy Award-winning children’s show SeeMore’s Playhouse and has written for Onion News Network, Smosh, McSweeney’s, and the New York International Fringe Festival. He lives in New York City and on Twitter at @fmarciuliano. He has yet to acquire a jetpack.
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