Because of course the other option is to just do something altogether more modern and non-traditional and not have a roast?
I could just do something from what’s-his-name
Ottellangy or whatever he’s called –
You know the one with all the herbs?
And then it wouldn’t feel odd would it?
And anyway that’s more summery.
Don’t really feel like a roast when it’s hot do you?
Then again you never can rely on the weather in
July really can you?
What do you think?
ROSIE
You know what Mum,
I really don’t give a flying fuck what you cook for the Talbots,
I probably won’t be there.
Can’t you just deal with this yourself?
MUM
There’s no need to take that tone with me young lady –
You’ve made yourself quite clear,
I won’t bother you any more.
ROSIE
Well I’m sorry but I just have bigger things to be worrying about –
MUM
No don’t apologise if you don’t mean it.
I’m sure you’ve got much more important things to be worrying about,
I’ll stop wasting your time
And by the way,
It was your dad’s birthday yesterday.
Would have been nice if you’d have at least sent him a card –
ROSIE
Fuck
Mum
We hear the sound of an incoming call on ROSIE’s phone.
Timmy is calling and I have to pick up –
I’m hanging up now –
TIMMY
Hi Rosa
It’s Timmy.
Are you on your own?
Great.
Where’s Luc?
Okay good.
Look sugar I need you to do me a little favour.
Yah so the thing is my nest is empty.
Yah my nest.
It’s empty.
Yah no the eagle has flown the nest.
And I need you to fill it.
Do you see what I’m saying darling?
I need you to fill it with another eagle or a beak or even some eggs but I’d prefer a beak.
To fill my nest.
Are you catching my drift?
Oh come on Rosa!
Try a bit harder.
I need some beak.
I need you to get me some –
To fill my nest.
I need you to buy me some cocaine okay.
Not a lot –
Just a little dab for me.
And I’d appreciate it if you don’t bother Lucy with this.
She doesn’t need to know about this.
Just between you and I okay?
This is what I need you to do,
This will require you to buy some hummus,
I need you to get the charlie,
And Sellotape it to the bottom of the hummus pot okay?
And then I need you to put it in the fridge right at the back behind the cornichons okay?
And when you’ve done that I need you to text me saying these exact words ‘Hello Timmy, I’ve got the hummus do you need anything else?’
And then just make sure you’re out of the house by the time I get back okay?
Great.
Thanks sugar.
You’re one of the good ones.
Okay bye
Bye bye bye bye bye.
ROSIE’s phone starts ringing seconds after
TIMMY hangs up, she picks up.
WREN
Hi
I forgot to say earlier
This Marni girl,
Who is she?
ROSIE
She works in the production office,
She’s a part of Lucy’s team,
I think she’s an intern,
Why has she been bothering you?
WREN
She’s American.
She’s awful.
I can’t tell what she’s saying
And she talks far too fast.
I need you to get her to stop.
I don’t want to have to deal with her again,
Make sure she knows,
Also I’ve lost my passport.
And my credit card.
Can you cancel all the Coutts cards?
Okay I’ve got to go,
My babies need me.
We hear WREN hang up.
MARNI is sitting on her swivel chair again.
MARNI
Rosa,
What has more carbs in it
An apple
Or a banana?
Because I need to organise my snacking
It’s been pretty chaotic recently
And I feel like it’s weighing me down
Also, be honest
Do you think I’ve let my eyebrows go?
I’ve been trying to let them grow out a bit
And get a bit bushier
Because I’m really into Lily Collins’ look
But I think it might be veering towards Cara
Delevingne
And I don’t want to look that feral
Rosa?
Pay attention!
ROSIE
Sorry –
I think they look great.
I’m not sure about the carbs.
But look Marni,
Could I have a quick word?
Thanks.
Yeah it’s nothing –
I just need to –
Wren has just asked me to,
No you haven’t done anything wrong – it’s more –
Look.
Could you –?
Would you mind just –
Not looking at her,
Or talking to her,
Again,
Please.
Don’t ask why –
It’s not your fault.
MARNI has lost it, she’s crying.
MARNI
What is it?
Am I too full-on or something?
Is that it?
ROSIE
Really.
It’s just –
She’d prefer it if you didn’t –
Talk or look at her.
Okay?
Thanks.
MARNI
Am I annoying or something?
What is it?
ROSIE
Sorry.
Just come to me next time,
If you need anything.
Look,
Have a tissue.
MARNI
I mean it’s who I am
What can I do?
My ex always said I was too intense –
ROSIE
Have a tissue and go to the toilets and just cry for a minute.
Just cry.
And then come back out here and continue the great work you’re doing with the snacks,
Just don’t look at her okay?
Thanks.
ROSIE is back on the swivel chair with the keyboard and two phones, one on either ear, one should be the type of phone that would connect to a plug socket. The conversations should alternate between phones.
She is frantically typing.
This sequence could be over music or a beat.
At the end of every phone conversation we hear the dial tone as the other person hangs up.
Hi is that Feather and Black?
Yeah can I speak to someone about getting a delivery today?
No I know
It’s just it said on your website that you were able to –
Hello?
Hi Bobby!
It’s Rosie,
From school?
From Community?
Yeah you know we used to sit next to each other in biology –
Bobby do you still sell drugs?
Bobby?
Hello?
&
nbsp; Hi there
What are the chances of you doing a bed delivery in the next two hours?
Slim?
Hello
Ikea?
Xanthe
How ARE you?
It’s Rosie,
From dancing,
You know we used to do ballet together
Yeah yeah exactly!
I’m sorry about that
I didn’t mean it,
I was just insecure.
Girls can be mean at that age,
I’m much nicer now.
Fair enough –
Hi yeah are you still able to deliver today?
Even if we paid you more?
I mean I could pay extra –
No I’m not joking.
Stop laughing.
It’s not funny.
That’s really fucking rude.
Hi Ralph
How’s the anthropology going?
…Sorry Ralph I’m gonna have to just stop you there
I’m just in a bit of a rush –
Well actually, I was wondering, this is really awkward but –
Are you still into taking stuff
When you’re out
Well I don’t know, like coke for instance?
Ralph?
ROSIE is trying to open a bottle of water whilst on the phone, it’s fizzy water and explodes all over her when she opens it, water covers the phones and ROSIE is electrocuted. We hear a load crack, flash of white and then into blackout.
FUCK!
ARGH
FUCK
Oh my god
Fucking
Ow
Ow.
There is a moment still in blackout when we just hear ROSIE in pain. She doesn’t realise what’s happened to her yet and is in a lot of pain and trying to stand up when her mobile rings. ROSIE’s voice is shaky and weak until the end of the scene.
The rest of this scene is said in blackout.
Hi
Lucy
LUCY
Where the fuck have you been?
Did you decide to take a fucking holiday or something?
Did you think now was a good time to do that whilst we’re all running around with our arses on fire in the office?
Did you get lost in Whole Foods or something?
I’ve been wearing a scarf round my face all day.
It smells like something died in here.
ROSIE
No –
God.
Lucy –
Sorry I haven’t been in touch,
I’ve –
I think I’ve just been –
I just had a really bad shock –
LUCY
Rosie what are you talking about?
I don’t have time to hear your –
ROSIE
I was just on the phone,
And the water,
And then
I just
It was such a shock
The apartment is black
I think I’ve tripped a fuse or –
LUCY
What?
Oh this is a major fuck-up.
How did this happen?
What were you doing?
Rosie I actually can’t believe this.
Wren is arriving in half an hour with her children and she’s going to want to make them dinner and bath them and put them to bed and there’s no fucking electricity?
Be quiet.
Stop crying.
I knew this job was too much for you.
Get on the phone with her agent
Find an emergency electrician
I don’t care what you do but you need to sort it out before she gets there.
Yah bye.
Lights slowly fade up on ROSIE sat on the floor, covered in water and her right arm and hand, up to her shoulder, is entirely black.