I wanna have a threesome with you and your sister.
ya kho-CHU syeks vtro-YOM s to-BOI i s tvo-YEI syes-TROI.
Let’s have an orgy.
da-VAI u-STRO-im OR-gi-yu.
Group sex
Ggup-po-VU-kha
Other words you might hear meaning group sex include цирк (tsirk),
(es-ta-FYE-ta), and
(ka-ru-SYEL)
We went to the sex shop, but didn’t find any Spanish
Fly.
mi kho-DI-li v syeks SHOP , no nye na-SHLI SHPAN-sku-yu MUSH-ku.
Let’s watch some porn.
da-VAI po-SMO-trim por-NU-khu.
My turn-ons include big tits, midgets, and whipped
cream.
me-NYA voz-bu-ZHDA-yut bol-SHI-ye SIS-ki, KAR-li-ki, i
VZBI-ti-ye SLIV-ki.
I’m into sadomasochism.
ya u-vlye-KA-yus sa-do-ma-zo-KHIZ-mom.
Got any handcuffs?
YEST u te-BYA na-RUCH-ni-ki?
Orgasm
or-GAZM
I’m cumming!
ya kon-CHA-yu!
You got cum all over my leg!
ti pro-LIL kon-CHI-nu na mo-YU NO-gu!
Cum on my face!
KON-chi na mo-YO li-TSO!
He jizzed all over my bed!
on za-va-FLIL mnye vsyu pos-TYEL!
I’ve never seen so much semen in all my life!
ya ni-kog-DA v ZHIZ-ni nye VI-dye-la STOL-ko
SPYER-mi!
Wow, I’ve never seen female ejaculation before!
UKH ti, ya ni-kog-DA RAN-she nye VI-dyel ZHEN-sku-yu
e-YA-ku-lya-tsi-yu!
Holy shit, multiple orgasms!
YOB, E-to MNO-zhest-vye-nnii or-GAZM!
Sluts and fuck buddies
BLYA-di i ye-bu-NI
Sometimes you’re just looking for a good time. No shame in that.
You are such a temptress!
ti ta-KA-ya so-blaz-NI-tyel-nitsa!
I’m only looking for a fuck buddy.
ya i-SCHU lish ye-bu-NA.
She’s such a ho.
o-NA ta-KA-ya blyad.
He cheated on me with some slut.
on mnye iz-mye-NIL s ka-KOI-to SHLU-khoi.
She’s an easy lay.
o-NA lye-GKA na pye-rye-DOK.
I heard she’s a total slut.
ya SLI-shal, chto o-NA voob-SCHE GRYEL-ka.
That ho is only into one-night stands.
E-to pod-STIL-ka TOL-ko LYU-bit syeks na od-NU noch.
She smacked me in the face when I called her a
sleazy cunt.
o-NA da-LA mnye po-SCHO-chi-nu, kog-DA ya ye-YO
naz-VAL piz-DOI s u-SHA-mi.
My neighbor is a disgusting Peeping Tom.
moi so-SYED pro-TIV-nii so-blya-da-TAI.
He’s a male slut.
on blya-DUN.
He’s a total horn dog.
u nye-VO piz-do-ma-NI-ya.
Man, that old guy in my building is such a pervert.
blin, E-tot sta-RIK v mo-YOM DO-mye ta-KOI iz-vra-SCHE-nyets.
She found herself a new boy toy at the disco.
o-NA na-SHLA se-BYE NO-vo-vo KHA-kha-lya na disko-TYE-kye.
He’s just some pickup I met at a club last night.
on PRO-sto ka-KOI-to bik-so-SYOM s ko-TO-rim ya pozna-KO-mi-las vche-RA v KLU-bye.
I went to a night club looking for some cheap meat.
ya po-SHOL v noch-NOI klub v POI-skakh ras-kla-DU-shki.
Are all Russian jokes about women who whore
around while their husbands are on business trips?
nye-u-ZHELI vsye RU-sski-ye a-nek-DO-ti o TOM, kak
ZHEN-schi-ni blya-DU-yut kog-DA svo-I MU-zhya v koman-di-ROV-kye?
Sexual problems
syek-su-AL-ni-ye pro-BLYE-mi
I bought her dinner and she wouldn’t even sleep
with me.
ya ye-YO u-go-STIL U-zhi-nom a so MNOI DA-zhe nye
pye-rye-spa-LA.
She’s really cold in bed.
o-NA O-chen kho-LOD-na-ya v po-STYE-li.
She may look all purty, but I heard she’s frigid.
o-NA MO-zhet i VI-gla-dit kra-SI-ven-ko, no ya SLI-shal,
chto o-NA fri-GID-na-ya.
He dumped her because she doesn’t put out.
on ye-YO BRO-sil po-to-MU chto o-NA nye da-YOT.
He’s impotent.
on im-po-TYENT.
She dumped him when he couldn’t get it up.
o-NA ye-VO BRO-si-la, kog-DA u nye-VO nye sto-YAL.
When he drinks he gets a softy.
kog-DA on pyot, u nye-VO nye-sto-YAK.
Masturbation
o-na-NIZM
And if al else fails, it may be time to spank the ol’ monkey. It’s safe, it’s cheap, and it won’t expect you to pay for dinner.
I think I’m just going to sit home tonight and jack off.
na-VYER-no ya se-VOD-nya PRO-sto po-si-ZHU DO-ma i
po-dro-CHU.
When I can’t find a girl, I just choke the chicken.
YES-li nye mo-GU nai-TI dyev-CHON-ku, ya PRO-sto LI-so-vo v ku-la-KYE go-NYU.
Every night I like to watch some porn and tune the
violin.
KAZH-dii VYE-cher ya lyu-BLYU smo-TRYET por-NU-khu i
na-STRA-i-vat SKRIP-ku.
.
What the hell do
I need men for
when I can get off
with a vibrator?
ka-KO-vo KHRYE-na mnye NA-do
muzh-CHI-nu, kog-DA ya kai-FU-yu ot
vi-BRA-to-ra?
That bean flipper just wants a new electric vibrator
for her birthday.
E-ta ba-la-LAI-ka TOL-ko KHO-chet NO-vii e-lek-tro-SHTU-tser na svoi dyen rozh-DYE-ni-ya.
Prostitution
pro-sti-TU-tsi-ya
If you’re striking out, don’t lose hope. As long as the provinces remain poor and the Ukrainian border stays open, whores in Russia wil be plentiful and cheap. So where does one find a good whore in Russia? I’m glad you asked! There are tons of cruising strips (cal ed tochki), brothels (bordeli), classified ads in expat newspapers, and high-end nightclubs and strip joints that can hook you up. And likely, your own hotel wil even have an in-house supply ready, wil ing, and able to fulfil your every sick and twisted fantasy for a few greenbacks. If al else fails, just ask a cab driver where you can find a girl, and for a few extra bucks he wil take you to the place. Here are some words you’l need to know to be a satisfied John.
Where can I find a…?
gdye MOZH-no na-i-TI…?
These are al in the accusative.
prostitute
pro-sti-TUT-ku
hooker
noch-NU-yu BA-boch-ku
whore
SHLYU-khu
trick
shar-MU-tu
tramp
sha-LA-vu
slut
po-tas-KU-khu
streetwalker
U-lich-nu-yu FYE-yu
call girl
DYE-voch-ku po VI-zo-vu
lady of the night
ko-ro-LYE-vu po-lu-TMI
young hooker
ba-TON-chik
underage hooker
KRI-su
Where’s the nearest cruising strip?
gdye SA-ma-ya bli-ZHAI-sha-ya TOCH-ka?
Sometimes also cal ed a
(pa-NYEL).
We got drunk and went whoring.
mi na-PI-lis i po-YE-kha-li kur-VYA-zhi-tsa.
Pimp
su-te-NYOR
When it comes to street prostitution, most of the pimps are part of either Chechen or Dagestani mafia groups, and they are some serious mofos.
Don’t fuck with them.
She had a shiner cuz her pimp beat her up.
u nye-YO bil si-NYAK po-to-MU, chto BAN-der ye-YO
iz-BIL.
The Madam is a
skanky old bitch.
E-ta BAN-der-sha—BLYAS-ska-ya, STA-ra-ya SU-ka.
John
cha-sov-SCHIK
Specifical y one who pays by the hour.
Brothel
bor-DYEL
Do you know a good whorehouse in Moscow?
ti nye ZNA-yesh kho-RO-shii tra-kho-DROM v
mosk-VYE?
Hey, I ordered a blonde!
eh, a za-ka-ZAL blon-DIN-ku!
Negotiating a price
tor-GOV-lya po tse-NYE
If you’re short on cash, stick to street prostitutes or, in real desperation, train stations, but set your expectations low. The whores at nightclubs might be a lot easier on the eyes, but they wil cost you a pretty penny. Nevertheless, it is always worth negotiating a fair rate.
How much for an hour?
SKOL-ko za CHAS?
What can I get for a tenner?
chto ya po-lu-CHU za cher-VO-nyets?
I’ll give ya a fifty for a blowjob.
DAM tye pol-TI-nnik za mi-NYET.
How about some anal for cash?
KHO-chesh a-NAL za NAL?
How much are you willing to shell out for her?
SKOL-ko ti za nye-YO go-TOV ba-SHLYAT?
How about a C for a threesome?
da-VAI STOL-nik za syeks vtro-YOM?
Could you lower the price if I became a regular
customer?
ti nye u-STU-pish YES-li ya STA-nu po-sto-YA-nnim kli-YEN-tom?
I can’t afford that—could you go a little lower?
mnye nye po kar-MA-nu—ti bi mo-GLA po-dye-SHEV-le?
How about a small discount for a poor, lonely
foreigner?
kak na-SCHOT MA-lyen-koi SKID-ki dlya BYED-no-vo,
o-di-NO-ko-vo i-no-STRAN-tsa?
I’m outta dough, could you give me a freebee?
u me-NYA la-VE za-KON-chi-los—ti bi nye mo-GLA dat
mnye na SHA-ru?
The answer wil almost certainly be no, unless you are in the smal est of vil ages where foreigners are stil considered somewhat exotic.
Contraceptives
pro-ti-vo-za-CHA-toch-ni-ye SRYED-stva
There is a Russian saying that states, “having sex with a condom is like smel ing flowers through a gas mask.” While not al Russian men are that categorical—or poetic—when it comes to birth control, there can stil be a lot of resistance. Nevertheless, condoms of varied quality, color, and expiration date are widely available throughout Russia, as are various spermicidal suppositories (cal ed
, svechi) and other nasty things you
would probably never want to touch with your hands, much less any other part of your anatomy. Abortion, however, is stil the main form of birth control, especial y in the provinces.
Have you got a…?
YEST u te-BYA…?
condom
prye-zyer-va-TIV
johnny
gon-DON
However, when this word refers to a person, it’s something more along the lines of a total douche bag.
rubber
ga-LO-sha
love glove
noch-NOI no-SOK
Trojan
bu-DYO-nov-ka
raincoat
pa-ra-SHUT
jimmy hat
fran-TSUZ-ska-ya SHA-poch-ka
dick shield
na-KHUI-nik
Don’t worry, I’m on the pill.
nye pye-rye-zhi-VAI, ya ta-BLYET-ki pyu.
Pregnancy
bye-RYE-mye-nnost
I’m late.
u me-NYA za-DYER-zhka.
She’s in the family way.
o-NA v po-lo-ZHE-nii.
Honey, I’m pregnant with another man’s baby.
do-ro-GOI, ya bye-RYE-mye-nna ot dru-GO-vo muzh-CHI-ni.
He dumped her as soon as she got knocked up. on ye-YO BRO-sil, kak TOL-ko o-NA za-lye-TYE-la.
She’s had five abortions already and is probably
sterile now.
o-NA u-ZHE SDYE-la-la pyat a-BOR-tov i na-VYER-no
tye-PYER byes-PLOD-na-ya.
STDs
be-pe-pe-PE
( bo-LYEZ-ni, pye-rye-da-VA-ye-mi-ye po-lo-VIM pu-TYOM ), or sexual y transmitted diseases.
There are a lot of STDs floating around Russia, but that’s not the scary part. The scary part is the astronomical rate at which HIV has spread over the past 10 years. It used to be restricted almost entirely to IV drug users and prostitutes, but in recent years it has started to seep into the general population. The thing is, testing isn’t very common and many Russians are turned off by condoms, so there are a lot of people walking around who have no idea that they are infected. As for treatment, don’t even ask. Even if good treatment were available, most Russians can’t afford it. Al in al , it is a tragedy stil unfolding, and one that many Russians continue to deny even exists. Just something to think about.
I caught an STD from that bitch I was dating.
ya poi-MAL na KON-chik ot E-toi SU-ki, s ko-TO-roi ya
vstrye-CHAL-sya.
That bastard gave me crabs!
E-ta SVO-loch pye-rye-DAL mnye man-da-VOSH-ku!
It hurts when I piss—I think I have the clap again.
bo-LIT, kog-DA ya PI-sa-yu—po-MO-ye-mu u me-NYA
o-PYAT gu-SAR-skii NAS-mork.
I got a strange rash on my dick—I hope it’s not
herpes.
u me-NYA STRA-nna-ya sip na khu-YE—na-DYE-yus, E-to
nye GYER-pyes.
Do you need a prescription for penicillin in Russia?
NU-zhen li rye-TSEPT dlya pye-ni-tsi-LLI-na v ro-SSII?
Where can I find a doctor who treats venereal
disease?
gdye MOZH-no na-i-TI vra-CHA, ko-TO-rii LYE-chit vye-nye-RI-ches-ki-ye-bo-LYEZ-ni?
I heard he’s HIV infected.
ya SLI-shal, chto on vich-in-fi-TSI-ro-van.
He was sick for a long time, and they finally
discovered he had AIDS.
on DOL-go bo-LYEL i na-ko-NYETS ob-na-RU-zhi-li, chto
u nye-VO spid.
Gays
go-lu-BI-ye
Despite the appearance in recent years of gay clubs and even a gay pride parade in Moscow, being out is not “in” in Russia. There is stil a lot of discrimination against homosexuals, especial y in smal er towns, and unfortunately hate crimes are stil a reality. In other words, this is probably one of those places where it’s better to keep a low profile unless you’re around people you real y know are cool with it.
There’s actual y a very elaborate system of gay slang in Russia, so here we’re just going to give you some of the most basic, common words you might encounter while livin’ la vida homo in Russia.
Homosexual
go-mo-syeks-u-a-LIST
Gay
go-lu-BOI
Also a fairly neutral term which, in most other contexts, means “light blue.” It is also common to hear the English word “gay” (
) being used these
days.
Pederast
pye-de-RAST
The retort to this is
(gye-te-RAST), gay slang for a breeder.
Homo
GO-mik
Fag
PYE-dik
This is a pretty offensive term.
Faggot
PI-dor
Also an offensive term
Queen
ar-MYAN-ska-ya ko-ro-LYE-va
Literal y, “Armenian queen,” but it is used to refer to queens of al ethnicities
Quaggot
pe-DRI-lo
Cruiser
shtri-kho-VA-ya DYEV-ka
Fairy
bak-TYE-ri-ya
Twinkie
bar-KHOT-ka
Cuz he’s so soft and velvety.
Chicken
PYER-sik
Literal y, a “little peach.”
Chickenh
awk
ko-SHOL-ka s va-zye-LI-nom
Literal y, a “bag of Vaseline.”
Rentboy
BYEL-ka
Literal y, a “squirrel.”
Black queer
man-DYE-lla
Fat queer
BA-dya
Closet case
pod-POL-schik
Pitcher
DYA-tel
Literal y, a “woodpecker.”
Receiver
pye-TUKH
Literal y, a “rooster.” Or perhaps “cock” is more apt.
Manwich
bu-ter-BROD
In other words, a gay threesome.
Transvestite
trans-vyes-TIT
Drag queen
trans-FOR-mer
Outter
kha-BAL-ka
Gay basher
rye-MONT-nik
I’d really like to go to a gay club.
mnye bi O-chen kho-TYE-los po-i-TI v gei KLUB.
Moscow has a pretty active gay scene.
v mosk-VYE do-STA-toch-no ak-TIV-na-ya go-lu-BYAT-nya.
Where is the best cruising street in this city?
gdye SA-ma-ya LU-chsha-ya PLYE-shka v E-tom GO-ro-dye?
Also sometimes cal ed
(pa-NYEL)
Every big city has a queer quarter.
v KAZH-dom bol-SHOM GO-ro-dye yest go-mo-DROM.
Lesbian
lyes-bi-YAN-ka
Dyke
RO-zo-va-ya
Literal y, “pink.”
Lesbo
LYES-ba
Carpet muncher
LI-za
A newbie vagitarian
nu-lye-VA-ya GYOR-la
Literal y, a “zero girl.”
Could you tell me the way to the nearest taco stand?
ti mnye nye pod-SKA-zhesh, kak do-BRAT-sya do bli-ZHAI-shevo LYES-bi-scha?
CHAPTER 6
ANGRY RUSSIAN
ZLOI RU-SSKI